Last week, the "Project Runway" mentor/most dapper man in the world groused that the young starlet/vibrator enthusiast, whom he encountered during his guest appearance on "Gossip Girl," "was pathetic, she couldn't remember her lines, and she didn't even have that many. I thought to myself, 'Why are we all being held hostage by this brat?'" Chalking up Momsen's lack of preparation to BlackBerry addiction, he flatly stated, "She annoyed the entire crew." But it's not just heavily eyelinered pop tarts who have felt Gunn's withering scorn lately. In the same interview, he further diagnosed "Real Housewives of DC" party girl Michaele Salahi and her husband as "sociopaths" and mused, of the New Jersey "Housewives" cast, "How far are these women from wild animals?"

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We start the episode with the finalists leaving the hotel and entering the workroom one last time. They immediately start to criticize each other's work. Mila says Seth Aaron's collection looks like a very glam Hot Topic  and that Emilio's could have appeared in any boutique in Harlem ... in 1994. Emilio says Mila's collection is severe and demure (are those words opposites?). Seth Aaron says Emilio's looks like an "older" collection. Like, for elders I'm assuming.

Tim walks in rocking the leather blazer he's been wearing all season. He is shocked by Seth Aaron's 24 looks (only 10 are required), says rather coolly to Emilio, "Haven't we seen this before?" and reminds Mila to rough up her styling a little bit.

We proceed to model casting, where the designers are forced to watch legions of leggy girls with amazing cheekbones parade in front of them. Mila wants an edgy mix of rocker/Hollywood/New York. Emilio wants multicultural, because the world is multicultural. Seth Aaron is merely looking for the "right vibe." There is no fighting, and one can assume that the models are successfully cast.

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Despite the unfairness of it all, it is my favorite episode of the season: lots of Tim Gunn giving his best critiques, spouting impressive vocabulary and sitting at uncomfortable dinners with relatives and mothers-in-law. 

The show starts off with quite a bit of braggadocio. Mila claims her "point of view is better" than Jay's. Emilio is "going to Bryant Park, bitches" with yet another show-stopper. It would be nice to see a bird poop on him. Or for him to trip. Something mildly humiliating. Seth Aaron says something that gets so bleeped out that I can't even understand what it is. Fuck yeah, Seth Aaron.

Fast forward three months, and we see Tim on his rounds. First stop: Vancouver, WA to visit Seth Aaron and his rather ordinary-looking wife and children. No black nail polish or faux-hawks to be found.

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The morning starts out with some horrible singing voice waking everyone up. Is this "American Idol" or "Project Runway"? Anthony attempts to tease Emilio, but everyone knows Emilio has no sense of humor, so it doesn't work. Mila is using visualization to calm down.

The designers go one last time to meet Heidi and learn about the challenge. She says that she is sending them to a tent. I attempt to stifle my first thought, which involves making tent jokes about Heidi's maternity wardrobe. Which is just immature. Not to mention hypocritical, since I've had two kids and gained 50 pounds with each in the process. But I digress.

Anthony is a bit concerned about which type of tent it's going to be, because he doesn't think his Gucci driving loafers are going to be able to handle any rugged terrain. Luckily, it's the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey circus tent. 

The designers are standing in the tent in front of the ring, a lot of spotlights start blazing and Tim prances down the blue circus runway grinning from ear to ear. Their challenge this week is to create a high-end look inspired by the circus. For inspiration, the designers receive a private show.

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The contestants go to meet Heidi, who tells them they will be designing a celebrity look for someone who is notoriously picky and opinionated. With this vague warning, the designers gamely move into the workroom, where Tim will have more details. With horror-movie music playing in the background, Tim tells everyone that the challenge is to design a red carpet look for a celebrity. Are you ready to meet her? Yes! Who is it? Is it Angelina? Cameron Diaz? Kate Gosselin? The door opens... Oh. It's Heidi.

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We are back at the Atlas Apartments. Everyone is very self-congratulatory that they've made it to the top ten. Jay gets particularly sassy and announces, "Top three, here I come, bitches." It sounds very uncomfortable coming from him, since he is usually so mild-mannered.  

Tim marches everyone down to Michael Kors' store in Soho. No time is wasted announcing the challenge. The designers will be eschewing Mood Fabrics and instead will make their garments entirely out of materials they find in a hardware store. They also need to make an accessory to complement the apparel. This is going to be a riveting episode, I can tell. (I know. Tool puns are not good. I won't use any more, tempting though it is.)

Michael Kors pulls out every bad corporate-ism in the book, telling them to push the envelope, think outside the box, and be unconventional. I find this all a bit ironic, coming from a designer best known for classic, American basics.  

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Kids' clothes are tough. You can't do gowns. You can't do anything sexy, as Anthony points out. You can't do anything with safety pins or other ornamentation (choking hazard, of course). Jonathan sums up the designers' fears nicely when he says, "I am scared of children. They are very small." 

The bantering in the work room is hilarious this week. Anthony weaves tale after tale in that golden voice of his. The designers finally challenge him to see how long he can be quiet. After donning a Lady Gaga-like mask complete with painted lips, he lasts for 14:56. Jonathan does an absolutely spot-on Michael Kors impression. I hope he does it during judging. 

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This is a case of infinite-loop shameless plugging, with all roads leading to "Project Runway." The designers create a look for Heidi, who is the host and a producer of the show. This design will then be worn on the cover of the magazine that sponsors the show. Repeat until the show moves to PBS. 

Joanna Coles, the stern English matriarch and editor in chief of Marie Claire, gives the designers some details to consider when designing a dress to be used on the cover of a magazine. She cautions against using black or any patterned fabric, because it will detract  from the print that needs to appear there. She advises that they focus on the top half of the dress and make it eye-catching; it needs to stand out in a veritable sea of newsprint. Someone throws out the statistic that a consumer chooses a magazine on a newstand within three seconds. So it has to pack a visual wallop. 

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 As usual, the show begins by showing the sleepy designers bantering and performing their morning ablutions. Maya wins backhanded compliment of the day: "Mila is the older version of me." Which, in all fairness, is not untrue. They both sport severe dark bobs with bangs, the requisite bombshell lipstick and have a similar modern design aesthetic.  

The designers trudge over  to Parsons to meet Heidi, who is in a short, strapless, floaty dress, still pregnant, but with nary a swollen ankle in sight this week. She enigmatically informs them that they will be making a "look for a fashion week gala" for some "inspiring women." Cut to the workroom, where Tim Gunn is standing with some woman from the Campbell's soup company. [needle skips off record] What? 

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This week the designers meet Tim Gunn at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, one of the most unoriginal sources of artistic inspiration that the producers of the show could have chosen. My smug sneering at this unimaginative venue quickly turned to awe when I saw gowns from the Costume Institute archives. Yves Saint Laurent! Christian Dior! Swoon! The challenge? To be inspired by the work of these geniuses and to create a "high-end signature look worthy of a master collection." The designers receive $500 to create the look and are told that they would be working in pairs. Ooh, reality TV paydirt!

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Where were the demented comments and the late-night breakdowns and the mimicry of former seasons? Think of Stella going on about how much she only wanted to work with "leathuh." Think of Santino Rice imitating Tim Gunn. Think of Jay McCarroll doing almost anything. Were the contestants chosen without any regard to their personalities or lack thereof? Or did the producers do an awful job of encouraging spirited talk and then editing it together to form a provocative narrative?

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If you start to look closely enough, you have to wonder what purpose that chocolate bar serves, what those extra hours at the office are for, what those numbers in your checking account add up to, really. Is power a substitute for love? Is money a substitute for happiness? Is happiness based on hedonism a substitute for the more meaningful happiness that comes from helping others?

But we need our substitutes to get through the day, a day littered with reminders that we don't have everything we want. Or at least, we tell ourselves that story, as a substitute for really knowing what we want in the first place.

Them thar hills

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Yes, most of us saw this tidal wave coming. The judges had praised Leanne's work all season, and seemed visibly impressed during her final show. They called her line "clean" and "modern." Even the audience lit up when her designs came down the long, white runway -- worn by a troop of awkward, odd-looking models, of course.

"The trickiest thing to do is to make complicated clothes look easy," said Michael Kors. "And her clothes look unfettered."

"She has an elegant, sophisticated, polished approach," added Tim Gunn. And he was right. All season long, Leanne has produced the most refined, well-tailored pieces, all of them with carefully crafted detailing and flair that nonetheless rarely overwhelmed her designs. She showed restraint. Her taste was impeccable. Her constructions were impressive. Her styles were thoughtful. So why was it so hard to see her win the big prize?

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"Ohmygod, that's Rachel Zoe down there!" a voice shrieks behind me. "She's a hot mess. I need to get that picture." He holds up his phone, and then sighs contentedly. "That's going on my blogfeed and my Facebook page!"

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It's time for the writers of "Lost" to explain some of its major mysteries. It wouldn't hurt if we found out, once and for all, the purpose of the Dharma Initiative and exactly what went wrong there. We could find out what Penelope's dad and the Hanso Foundation have to do with anything, we could understand what Ben's mission is in the wake of their rescue from the island. Really, pick any three or four threads and resolve them. What harm does it do? Instead of killing the golden goose, explaining a few things might give the rest of the story more life, and provide a platform for newer, richer story lines.

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Shark Week, then, is more than just a week to look at sharks. Maybe it started as such 21 years ago, when the Discovery Channel, like the awkward kid who brings his dad's python to school for a momentary glimpse of popularity, first shouted "Hey everybody! Look over here! Sharks!" But since then, Shark Week has evolved into a high concept, divorced from its original intention. Shark Week doesn't just mean, "Let's look at scary, fascinating sharks together! Let's watch them circle menacingly and chomp on bloody fish! Let's hear about the most gruesome shark attacks and worry about the next time we dip a toe in the water!"

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Salon contributors include Joy Press, culture editor; Amy Reiter, deputy editor, A&E; James Hannaham, staff writer; Caitlin Shamberg, multimedia editor; Mark Schone, news editor; Sarah Hepola, Life deputy editor; and Heather Havrilesky, TV critic.

BEWARE: Spoilers ahead!

Press: I've been in the Christian-loving camp all season, a sucker for the impish, self-invented 21-year-old Anglophile with a goth streak and a whiplash tongue. But when the judges announced the winner, I found myself in a state of shock: Christian won! Christian won?

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Five finalists (or so we assume; in previous seasons the show has faked out viewers by including designers who are not in contention for the prize) sent their designs down the runway: Kathleen "Sweet P" Vaughn, Chris March, Jillian Lewis, Rami Kashou and Christian Siriano. They were made to walk out alone with a microphone on the big empty catwalk before their collections, and say a little earnest something. This had to be difficult early in the morning, in a tentful of half-caffeinated New Yorkers on the last leg of a grueling Fashion Week. It was way too early in the morning for anyone to successfully conceal their true feelings.

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But let's give thanks anyway. Recessions aren't all bad, remember. At least now your dumb yuppie friends will stop prattling on about installing a Jacuzzi tub in their enormous bathroom. At least now fast food and cheap beer will be back in style. At least now college kids will stop thinking that they should be running their own companies or directing multimillion-dollar movies the second they graduate. Instead, they'll have to go get temp jobs, just like we did, back during the last recession. Because when recent college grads aren't eating Ramen and groveling for unpaid internships, there's really something wrong with the world.

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