I am writing this at 4 a.m. The last few years my husband seems so uninterested in me, to the point of staring at other women right in front of me and when we are with another couple, flirting and boasting to the other women, and completely ignoring me.

If I try to let him know how demeaning this is to me, I am the jealous wife who needs to "grow up."

We have a horse farm and I don't ride horses. However, I support his hobby and have financially sacrificed for this to be part of his life. He loves to invite women to ride horses on our property or offers to take women riding, and when friends come to visit he pressures people to ride or we end up watching him ride.

Just writing this sounds bizarre and I wonder how this is really me? We have grown up together and somehow things have tilted so that it's all about him. He lost his business and I supported him. He has been a great dad and is good to my family.

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I love your column. I love your writing. Ive been following you for several years. Reading your advice feels like talking to a friend over coffee and that's what I need now.

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years, living together for one and engaged for six months. Everything was great, we get along, he has a good sense of humor, we helped each other through some difficult personal issues, my family loves him. We want the same things and are in love.

Except three months ago I borrowed his computer to do a picture album of our story together, and you may know how this goes ... I found pictures of other women in the first year we were together. He said it was nothing. I didn't believe him, I felt I needed to know the truth and I looked at his emails. He then admitted he cheated in the first year of our relationship. I was numb, then angry, but I stayed with him. He said he used to have several relationships at the same time, it was his way of not getting close to women. He was dating two other women on and off and I was the last one to get in the picture, but he said he didn't feel like being with others, fell in love with me and ended the other relationships in the first seven months we were together. I know this is true because I saw the emails. We had a lot of problems in the first year, so I can understand him not taking it seriously. It was a long time ago, we built a great relationship since then and I know he didn't cheat again. It still hurts. I'm a big girl and I can deal with that, but there's something else I'm not sure I can take. I saw an email from a woman he dated a year before we met. She told him about the baby she had, a girl, attached a picture and said she wanted to leave the door open in case he ever wanted to meet her or have a relationship with her. He confessed she is most likely his daughter, said they slept together a few times, she got pregnant, he was scared, told her he didn't want any part in it, and cut off all contact.

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I’m a novelist who has put great faith in introspection and self-knowledge. Recently, however, I am blinded, disoriented and unable to interpret my feelings. It feels almost like an illness.

I’ve had a boyfriend for the last two years with whom I have shared a great love. He is also a writer. Our habit has been to live in rotating European cities. We spend a few months here, a few months there. I have a home in one of these cities to which I often return. I get exhausted if I stay too long away. He on the other hand stays on without me in the other, distant cities until we are reunited, often somewhere else again. I would say that in contrast to me, he does not have a home — he does not feel the dominant pull of a single place. He is a strange, idiosyncratic man, with a constantly surprising, brilliantly perceptive, but also counterintuitive interpretation of life. He has very few friends, and both little ability and little need to form ties with others. Maybe for that reason, when he does form a bond, the intensity of his affection and the force of his powers of recognition are overwhelming. I am speaking in terms of my own sense of homecoming in finding him.

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I will be married in a few months. And until now I have this horrific, horrific doubt in my head. My fiancé is a wonderful man, Cary. He's kind to me, he has a steady job, and he cooks dinner for me even when he is tired. Also, I got attracted to his life story. He was married before, but his wife died during childbirth, along with the child. Yet when he speaks of it, I see no trace of bitterness or anger. Not even sadness. I got attracted to the fact that here is a person, who, through the bleakest period of his life, managed to keep his sanity, his faith and his humor intact. And I can't imagine a better partner to go through life with. He's also very funny and charming, and I feel that he truly loves me.

Here's the thing: I grew up with this idea of my future husband and he's just. not. it. I grew up thinking I'd get married to a man in uniform, maybe a doctor, or lawyer, what have you. He would be witty and brilliant and also cook well. I would be the supportive wife, the wind beneath his wings.

Alas, that doesn't seem to be the case now.

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I am seeking your advice because I find your letters deeply empathetic and kind, and because they have helped me in many ways over the years. My question is this: Do I tell an ex-love that I am getting married? How do I do it?

Here is some background: I call this man an ex-love because we were never in an exclusive relationship, though we were involved for many years. We had a very intense connection, having very similar emotional temperaments. Early on, I expressed my desire to be in a relationship with him. He made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Being both smart and emotionally healthy, I stayed involved with him for years. However, feeling deeply hurt by his earlier rejection of me (among other things), there were topics I literally never discussed with him in the years we were involved. These topics included how we felt about each other and whether we were seeing other people.

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But a recent interview with the Village Voice's Jenna Sauers provides an intimate and surprising glimpse into the life of the DJ, casting him as an isolated, vulnerable workaholic:

"You know, after work, everyone hangs and they go to a bar and stuff?" says Thompson, sounding a bit like an anthropologist who has just pinpointed a key habit of a strange tribe. "I don't socialize that way. I don't have a posse. I don't have friends. I got the people I work with. I got a mom and a sister."

He explains that this is intentional:

"I'm very guarded, because I'm very vulnerable. Which really reads as gullible ... I guess the downside of that is that the guardedness that Questlove has to use to protect himself has now absolutely done overages and bleeded over into Ahmir Thompson's life."

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An old boyfriend from high school has ended up in jail for embezzling funds through his law practice. I was browsing through Facebook and found a news link that explained his circumstances.

We are in our mid 60s. I am happily married and not looking for a hookup. Is it a good idea to write to him? He is in a medium security prison for four years. The conditions are likely not good. Apparently, you have to buy your own toiletries, food treats, etc.

When I initially read of his being convicted and losing his practice, I was appalled and since I had good memories of him, I still believe he is a good person at heart who made some really bad decisions. Would it be helpful to him to hear from someone who remembers him the way he was? Or should I just ignore the fact that I know what is happening to him?

I have looked other former friends up online, mostly out of curiosity. A few I contact, most I don't bother. What do you think?

Curious

Dear Curious,

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I am so happy these days. After a long stretch of single years after a painful and heartbreaking divorce, I've finally met a wonderful man and we are just starting to date and establish a relationship. I've introduced him to my family and friends and everyone really likes him. The problem, though, is that my one sister REALLY likes him. I think she developed a crush on him the moment she met him and it's making me uncomfortable. After only having had a few dates with him, she told my mother and sister all about him and called him my boyfriend, which at the time he wasn't. She's always asking when we can double date with her and her husband; she's been married 25 years. Up until now she has never said anything uncomplimentary or critical about her husband, but since my new boyfriend she has gone on about how lucky I am that he's so affectionate in a way her husband isn't, how he's involved in things she wishes her husband was, and how she's living vicariously through me. The other day she told me that she will have to attend an annual gala I organize alone since her husband will be traveling for work and after I told her that many of my friends whom she knows will be there, she asked only about whether my boyfriend would be there.

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I write because you say you are interested in those of us who are living an alternative life and you are curious about some of the challenges therein. Here is a piece of my story, and some of the questions I am asking myself.

I am struggling.  I live off the grid, on an organic farm, eight miles up a dirt road and 30 minutes from "town." I have lived here for four years and have yet to have a relationship, or even a proper date, with anyone who actually lives in my ZIP code. I have worked very hard to set up a lifestyle and an existence that allows me freedom and flexibility. It is beautiful here.  I have meaningful work, family close by, wonderful friends and a playful community. Yet, I want someone to fool around with on Saturday night and wake up to on Sunday morning without wondering how did that happen or will it happen again?  Do I give up all that I have built to move back to the city and date? Or, do I have confidence and trust that some day, the right bearded man is going to drive down my road in a pickup truck to find me picking blackberries in a cute pair of cut-offs and cowboy boots?

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I am struggling with an issue in my life that was revisited recently. I kindly request guidance.

When I was in middle school, I confided in my best friend at the time; I told her who I liked, so she could help me set up with the someone I was interested in. She agreed and told me she would find out who he liked. Imagine my 13-year-old horror when she came back to tell me that he liked her and she wanted to know if she could date him. Dumbfounded, I agreed, which resulted in me being miserable for a few months, because that's how long such relationships last.

She continued to be my best friend through high school; but she continued the same pattern. Whenever I liked someone, she would ask who and date them instead. If she had a boyfriend at the time, she would end that relationship to date the person I liked. It was as if I enjoyed this; I did not at all. After the third time (when I deemed it was not a coincidence), I ended my friendship with her. Years later, she apologized for her actions.

Why do I remember this detail so vividly?

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A few days ago, I learned that my husband had been lying to me. It was about something small. Actually, it was a series of lies -- a few to cover up an original omission of the truth. I had watched our children under the pretense that he would be somewhere, which he wasn't. He stated that his reason for lying was fear, and he was trying to avoid a conversation and criticism. As a result, I feel hurt. I feel used. I feel angry. I also feel that he may have a point.

We've been together 10 years. We have two children, and as long as I can remember, he's been lying. Most were small, but some were very big.

He's a recovering addict working a 12-step program, and he's been sober for just over a year. I've been patient. I stayed through the demon days when I didn't know what the hell was going on during his bottom-out. I stood by when he went to rehab after he told me what he was involved in. I've been far from perfect myself. There are times that I've been loving and kind. There are times when I've expressed anger and frustration in a tone I'm not proud of, recounting to him all of his wrongs. I've been seeing a therapist, and attending Al-Anon. There were years in which I felt truly victimized before he got sober. He took money I made, used my credit without my permission, got emails from women that he forgot to tell me about, sent texts to women that were unacceptable, and played while I paid the bills. This past year of his sobriety has been far from perfect, but these damaging behaviors were largely absent. I felt grateful, like the program was really working.

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Critics of Florida State Attorney Bruce Colton's handling of Hunt's case argue that the felony charges against the high school senior over a same-sex relationship with a 14-year-old freshman classmate are based on laws intended to prosecute adult offenders against minor children, not two high school students in a consensual relationship.

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I have a business partner. We started our small business 12 years ago, after working together in another company for five years. We each work from home on our own projects, but collaborate as needed, back each other up for vacations, and generally lend support to one another. We regularly use a half-dozen freelancers who have been with us for many years, also working from their homes. We all communicate via e-mail and phone. My partner and I see each other once or twice a week, and we also see the freelancers occasionally. It's not a big business, but it keeps us busy and provides a decent living (usually a high five-figure income for each of us, with an occasional really good year with low six-figure incomes).

My business partner is the nicest person I know. She is happy. She smiles. She gives great hugs. She has a joie de vivre that's infectious. She has taught me so much about how to be happy, how to see the good in most people, how to be patient with human weaknesses. She has been a huge influence on my parenting -- she is very child-focused and sees the wonder and fun in raising children. She comes from a big, happy family, and they have "adopted" my husband, son and me as part of them. She is a good person.

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To try and make a long story short, I met a girl 10 months ago during my last day studying abroad in London.  She is a Brazilian who lives in Argentina and we maintained communication for the last nine months in any way we could (via Facebook, Whatsapp, Skype, email).  Initially our intentions had been to meet in New York City in March of this year when we first started communicating (through a series of events NYC in March didn't happen but instead we were supposed to meet in July of this year).  The conversations we had were amazing; I've never felt such a strong connection with a person even though we had only seen each other in person once.  We had so many things in common and it seemed that we never ran out of things to talk about.  The conversations we had never felt as though we were just friends (it's worth mentioning that the night we met we danced and kissed the night away). However, the communication we had didn't go without its rough patches due to the fact that we never talked to each other in a "just friends" manner. I am incredibly attracted to her both physically and mentally and the feelings were reciprocated by her at one point.

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I have read your column religiously for the last two or three years and want to truly thank you for sharing  your insight. I'm not sure even where to start about my situation. In truth, I lied, and not a little white lie but a big compounding nine-year lie. I have never told anyone about this lie because it seems so psychotic.

For starters, I'm an orphan and grew up in the state foster-care system. I was adopted mid-childhood by a woman who adopts and fosters children as her only source of income. This being said she was never a parent but a paid caregiver to an ever-changing array of children. I lived in a town that was small enough that everyone I came into contact with knew my story. I was "The Orphan." This fact defined my life for 18 years.

I dreamed of moving away and going to college from an early age. In my mind college was the place where I could start over and no one would know that I was "The Orphan," no one would have their parents around, and I would just be a normal person. Turns out that was anything but the truth.

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Since the beginning of our relationship, of one year, my boyfriend always criticizes everything. He had a hard time when his father died because of alcohol, when he was about 12 or 13, and he considers himself to be very  mature because of that. I never had such a thing going on in my family. He is socially awkward, and just because the world isn't made for him, and how he wants the world to be, he just stays inside, since then, playing video games all day. He has a very sharp mind, he got into the university to study maths. But he left it. I'm always trying to remind him how smart he is and that he shouldn't leave it behind. He always says, "And what do you know?"

All I know is that I love him and I don't want him to be sad. And he calls me immature. When we are hanging with his friends I almost don't talk in order to avoid his criticism of me later when heading home. When we started dating he said that one of the reasons that he's dating me was that I was very mature. And now he takes it back.

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My problem is about moving in. I love my boyfriend of two years. We should live together; he's already at my place six nights a week. If we move in together, we could take awesome vacations and save more money at the same time! It just makes sense. We both agree it's a good idea. We're even looking at places (two bedrooms, so friends and family can visit us). (And because we love closets, let's be honest.)

But it freaks me out: The idea of relying on anyone else to pay half my rent (and other bills) makes me horribly uncomfortable. He is responsible, and will pretty much always be able to handle his half. Why can't I accept it? I mean, he makes nearly twice as much as I do. But he doesn't contribute to his 401K.

Secretly, I blame my dad for making me such a worrywart about savings and money in general. And by "secretly," I mean I tell everyone it's my dad's fault I'm such a tightwad. (Bless his heart, I know he'd agree.) Cary, please advise. I read your advice all the time because it's both unexpected and spot-on.

Sincerely,

I Hope This Isn't the Most Boring Letter You Get

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I'm serious about having the punk conversation, and have received some interesting mail already. I'm answering a "regular" letter today but will be turning to the above topic intermittently in the coming weeks. -- ct

Dear Cary,

So many people in the dating world talk about "deal breakers," their list of no-no's that immediately ousts a potential partner and ranges from "no drug-addictions" to "no socks with sandals." I have trouble making ultimatums, life just seems too complicated. It makes sense to have some boundaries, but this is love, not border patrol.

On the top of this list are always: no cheating, no abuse, no dishonesty.

Cheating and abuse I can draw a red line at. But never telling your spouse that no, their nose hairs aren't too noticeable? I find this idea to be completely unrealistic and wonder if smug couples who claim to be always 100-percent honest with each other are in fact lying to themselves.

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In 1979, McCray wrote a feature, also for Essence, discussing her life as an openly gay black woman based on a desire to "dispel the myth that there are no gay black people" and tell other black women "you are not alone," she says. Then, in 1991, McCray met de Blasio while working at City Hall and, unexpectedly, fell in love.

After years as a politically and sexually self-possessed black lesbian, McCray admits it was an adjustment to realize that she had fallen in love with a white man; but she says the experience felt more personal revelation than label reorientation:

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There is no shortage of professed wisdom on getting through heartbreak: There are women's magazines, advice columnists, self-help books and, of course, the cliche Sunday brunch proclamations of "you deserve better." That's not to mention the prescriptions of a Katherine Heigl movie, a tub of ice cream and some "Jagged Little Pill" karaoke. And yet, enough people still find themselves in search of post-breakup help that Elliott now does breakup coaching full-time and has clients the world over. It was recently rumored, and totally unsubstantiated, that Katy Perry paid a high-priced breakup coach to get over her ex-husband Russell Brand.

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