Salon.com > Ryan Lochte

Ke$ha and Ryan Lochte get the reality TV treatment

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:38:00 +0000

‘Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life,” a reality show about the glitter-loving, jack-swishing pop star, began last night on MTV. “What Would Ryan Lochte Do,” a reality show about the grill-wearing, ab-having Olympic swimmer, began on Friday on E! Both shows are about people with physically demanding, time-intensive, all-consuming work lives. On tour, Ke$ha spends her days going from place to place so at night she can sprint around stage covered in body paint. While training, Lochte gets to the pool before most people are awake. Both shows are also about people who have cultivated — or, in Locthte’s case, maybe wandered into — reputations as partiers. Ke$ha’s songs are anthems to drinking and misbehaving. Lochte has convinced many that he’s a dim, brotastic douchebag. (Don’t ask him what that "douchebag" means, though: As he explained in his show, he really has no idea.) These shows are built around the second aspect of their stars' personas — that they are wild and vibrant and fun — when it’s the first that's worthwhile.

Cobain is rolling in his grave

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 18:03:00 +0000

O, the sacrilege!

It's hard to say who is the bigger culprit in this crime against rock humanity: ESPN magazine or the Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte. The publication released this video of its just-completed, inexplicably timed photo shoot with the megalomaniacal swimmer, whom they cast as the floating baby to re-create the iconic cover of Nirvana's best-selling 1991 album, "Nevermind." Or as Lochte puts it, "the iconic Nirvana blah-blah."

As if the concept alone isn't enough to make all of Seattle sink into the Earth with a collective, massive cringe, just wait until they hear Lochte explain why the album's imagery resonates with him. "When you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am. Whenever I step foot in that water, I'm happy." Lochte crinkles his nose, the soundtrack in the background blaring ESPN's idea of Kurt Cobain's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"-esque guitar riffs (how many ways can they kill a dead man?). "And he's chasing after a dollar bill," Lochte continues, "so he's always on the grind."

Though the photo shoot was easy, according to the Olympian, in order to be true to his subject, he had to forgo the goggles. He hopes that, "when everyone sees it, they'll be like, 'Dang, look at that guy!' I honestly think I nailed the shot." Smells like ... oh, never mind.

Ryan Lochte is getting a reality TV show

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 16:14:00 +0000

It was only a matter of time before budding television star and grill-sporting Olympic gold medal-winner Ryan Lochte got his own reality TV show. Called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?,” the six-episode E! series will follow the swimmer around as he prepares for the 2016 Olympics, starts his own fashion line and searches for a girlfriend.

Cheers for naked Prince Harry!

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:19:00 +0000

Thank you, Prince Harry. Last weekend, you went to Las Vegas with your bro Ryan Lochte and did exactly what we like to see our royals doing. You "cavorted." You "romped." And it goes without saying that you "frolicked." Naked, of course. Jeah!

Inevitably, it was TMZ that broke the story, involving the two gentlemen meeting some young ladies, inviting them up for a game of strip pool (apparently strip pool is a thing; expect to see a New York Times Styles feature on it soon), and an ensuing romp and frolic. In one of the blurry photos, the prince modestly covers his royal jewels while a nude female stands behind him. In the second, he appears to be giving a hug – or something -- to a female from behind. You can't see much; TMZ helpfully obscures his posterior orifice with a red star. So there you have it. Underneath his clothes, the prince is naked. With a penis and buttocks and all. On Wednesday a royal family spokesperson said only of the incident, "We have no comment to make on the photos at this time." Because, really, what else would they say? "Nice ass"?

Ryan Lochte: So sexy, so dumb

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 21:30:00 +0000

Ryan Lochte has managed to eclipse the celebrity of his torso. Not through stunning athletic prowess, mind you, but gold-medal-worthy douchebaggery. With the help of his $25,000 red, white and blue diamond grill and surfer-bro, oft-hashtagged catchphrase of "Jeah," the celebrated pinup boy of the 2012 games has been transformed into a joke the size of an Olympic swimming pool.

Oh #jeah, #LochteNation backlash is in full effect.

Jezebel has enumerated the top 10 reasons he's "America's Sexiest Douchebag" ("he calls himself a 'rock star,'" "he's fratty as fuck"). New York magazine compiled some of his most memorable tweets, including philosophical gems like, "Always reach for the moon cuz if u slip up u will still be a star!! #Jeah," and horrific misspelling like, "Rocks, paper, siccor........ ." Complex magazine concocted a parodic slide show titled "Ryan Lochte's Guide to Looking Like an Olympic Douchebag" (tip numero uno: "Beanies are perfect 24/7. They're like a swim cap, but you know, for land"). And BuzzFeed put together a video of his finest head-scratching interview moments (the standout: "What defines me? [Thoughtful pause] Ryan Lochte").

Aly deserved fourth

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:45:00 +0000

Does anyone this side of Tim Daggett, actually understand gymnastics scoring? On Thursday in the women’s all around, it became clear that sometimes not even the competitors do.

Gabby Douglas showed remarkable composure in winning the women’s all-around, putting enough distance between her and her competitors to keep any potential scoring controversy at bay. That fell to the bronze medal battle between Douglas’ teammate Aly Raisman and Russian Aliya Mustafina. There was a long awkward moment as the two finished in a tie for third. It only got more awkward as Raisman lost because of a new, and rather convoluted tiebreaker system. To add insult to injury, Raisman found out that she had lost, not from an official or from her coach, but from a member of the media.

Ryan Lochte’s mom explains his sex life

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 20:00:00 +0000

To everyone who has ever been embarrassed by your mom, this is a great day. To everyone who has lived in fear of being the world's most embarrassing mother, this is a great day. Because unless your name is Frances Bean or Courtney, there's a way-more-mortifying family than yours out there. Thanks, Ryan Lochte’s mom!

In a move that's already become one of the highlights of the these fabulously mom-centric games, Ileana "Ike" Lochte, mother of multiple Olympic medal winner and owner of the world's most ridiculous six-pack Ryan Lochte, opened up her mouth on "Today" and said out loud that her son "goes out on one-night stands. He's not able to give fully to a relationship because he's always on the go."

This raises a lot of questions. Let's start with a show of hands: Who else's mom knows how much tail you're getting? Who else is having conversations with the woman who gave birth to you that may involve the words "hooking up" and "booty call"? Because, WHAT? My mother still doesn't even know I ever lost my V-card, and I've got two kids and HPV.

Lochte falters again, but Franklin, Grevers shine

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 19:45:00 +0000

LONDON (AP) — Yannick Agnel dealt another crushing blow to Ryan Lochte and everyone else in the supposed Race of the Century at the London Olympics on Monday.

Missy Franklin restored American swim hopes with a gutty performance in the backstroke, and Matt Grevers kept the gold medals coming for the red, white and blue.

Franklin, a 17-year-old from Colorado and best hope for the U.S. program in the post-Michael Phelps era, bounced back from a semifinal race with just a 13-minute break, rallying to win the 100-meter back for the first gold medal of what figures to be a dazzling career.

Australia's Emily Seebohm, the top qualifier, led at the turn and was under world-record pace, but Franklin showed a remarkable finishing kick — especially since she had just raced in the semis of the 200 free. With her arms twirling, the 6-foot-1 swimmer passed the Aussie in the final 25 meters and lunged toward the wall for a winning time of 58.33 seconds.

She broke into a big smile but was clearly exhausted, her head dropping back against the wall. Seebohm settled for silver in 58.68 and Japan's Aya Terakawa took bronze in 58.83.

Olympics secret: They’re not about sports

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 20:20:00 +0000

Every two years, television reteaches us how to watch the Olympics. As thousands of sprinters, swimmers, archers, gymnasts, boxers, hurdlers, pentathletes and trampolinists descend on London for two weeks of gamesmanship that includes everything from basketball to badminton, fencing to field hockey, table tennis to taekwondo, NBC — the sole televisual purveyor of the Olympics in America — gets down to the business of instructing us, the viewing audience, on how to care about largely unknown athletes competing in not always well understood sports. It does this not only by explaining the rules of the decathlon and the steeplechase, the physical difficulties of the clean and jerk and the pole vault, but by telling us story upon story — the more dramatic, inspiring and tear-jerking the better — about the athletes involved.