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Best of the Salon limerick contest

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

The best limericks submitted by Salon readers since the election:

So we’ve come to this point, as a nation,

Where a white man with money and station,

Is no longer a shoe-in,

So the Right Wing’s now stewin’:

“’Tis the End of Civilization!”

Bruce F. Cole

Kamuela, Hawaii

From Delaware hails our VP,

A fiscal cliff jumper is he.

He'll work on your pecs,

Offer old ladies sex,

Won't someone please put this guy on TV?

Josh Klemons

Madison, Wis.

Where’s Obama’s diversity minder–

His “qualified female” staff finder?

He’s named white guys galore,

To positions top-drawer,

Perhaps he should borrow Mitt’s binder.

Madeleine Begun Kane

Bayside, Queens

Did we have an assault weapons binge?

Just the thought should make all of us cringe.

Can we trust NRA,

To be honest when they,

Are the voice of a lunatic fringe?

Stephen Whitred

Barriere, B.C., Canada

In a tale of pro cycling woe,

Doping brought down a mighty hero.

But one detail I find,

Really frazzles my mind,

Who knew Oprah still had her own show?

Tom Foltz

Fort Wayne, Ind.

Although your new limerick contest is thrillin',

My brain appears not to be willin'

When every new verse

Than the last one is worse.

Best of the Salon limerick contest

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

in the first compilation of the Salon limerick contest, here are the best reader submitted limericks from the election:

As travel arrangements were set,

Rafalca had reason to fret,

When Romney explained,

To get to the Games,

She'd be strapped to the roof of the jet!

Pete DeVriese

Oakland, Calif.

The Romney's were off with a start.

Regrettably, Seamus had farts.

So into the crate,

If he makes it that's great.

If not, Mitt will sell off the parts.

Michael Peterson

Willowbrook, Ill.

Mitt’s not vulgar, profane or salacious.

He would never offend! Good gracious!

But in unctuous perfection,

He seeks his election,

In a manner sublimely mendacious.

Quentin Sullivan

Haverhill, Mass.

Paul Ryan is sure that it's true.

All abortions are wicked to do.

Not for rape, or incest,

Even death - Paul knows best.

For a zygote's worth much more than you.

Paul Bamborough

Norway

RNC speakers begin to assemble,

And their rhetoric starts to dissemble.

From Rubio to Ryan.

There'll be no shortage of lyin'.

Causing fact-checkers all over to tremble.

Jim Brown

Scarsdale, N.Y.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 14:59:00 +0000

Salon's poet army takes on DOMA and the Higgs Boson

It's now known there's a boson named Higgs,

That creates both electrons and pigs.

So it really does matter,

How particles scatter.

Some by zags, yet still others by zigs.

Marilyn Hewitt

Media, Pa.

A justice named Antonin Scalia,

Was vexed by the very idea,

That gays want to wed,

"It's unchristian," he said.

But that actually sounds like Sharia.

Mike Moulton

Gainesville, Fla.

Though a mister and a mister want to marry,

DOMA made it incendiary.

If a miss and a miss,

Tie the knot with a kiss,

No one's shocked (except maybe Rick Perry).

Shirley Stuart

Berkeley, Calif.

Next week we’ll try something different. Stay tuned!

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 14:59:00 +0000

Savvy Salon readers dissect the Ryan budget, Rob Portman’s reversal and more:
In a Salon piece I read by Sirota,

Ryan's budget exceeds every quota,

Of upper class' perks,

As the rich get the works.

It kicks the middle-class right in the scrota.

Mike Moulton

Gainesville, Fla.
Rob Portman, you demonstrate well,

The ethic conservatives sell:

When it’s my child in need,

Time to challenge the creed;

When it’s yours, damn those sinners to hell.

Johanna Richmond

Red Hook, N.Y.
Now we've all heard Reince Priebus's case,

That the GOP needs a new face.

But Palin just snorted,

And Limbaugh retorted,

"That's crap - we should play to the base."

Richard B Weinberg

Winston Salem, N.C.
I saw Donald Trump on TV,

At CPAC, at quarter past three.

He never did balk,

And the theme of his talk,

Was “Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me!”

Raymond Cavender

Newnan, Ga.

Will abandoning the weapons ban help gun safety?
The size of the pistol one packs,

Relates, if you must know the facts,

To being devoid,

To quote my friend Freud,

Of that which belongs in one’s slacks.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 14:59:00 +0000

This week readers assess The Pope, Rand Paul and Ashley Judd:

To save cash, White House tours are curtailed,

But the House tours have NOT been derailed.

So you still can have fun,

Seeing nothing get done,

On the Hill, watching nonsense unveiled.

Madeleine Begun Kane

Bayside, N.Y.

I must say I'm calling it quits,

On caring which cardinal sits,

In St. Peter's chair --

The whole damned affair,

Is Mardi Gras, minus the tits.

Nancy Cahill

The new Pope hails from Argentina.

And I’m wondering just what that might mean-a.

Let’s hope that his Latin,

Is smoother than satin,

And that his church is in for one big house clean-a.

Gary Sandy

Davis, Calif.

In the senate McConnell's a dean,

Of the GOP obstruction machine.

But his name will be mud,

When our dear Ashley Judd,

Kicks his ass in twenty fourteen.

Mike Moulton

Gainesville, Fla.

Rand Paul held the floor by the hour,

His words pouring forth like a shower.

He could have gone on,

Saying drone use begone,

But his bladder held ultimate power.

Thompson Lange

Carmel, Calif.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Salon readers weigh in on guns in the classroom, Donald Trump and the sequester:

The role of the teacher gets bigger,

In ways that I simply can't figger.

Teach reading and writing,

And make math exciting,

But also be quick on the trigger?

Michael Cotler
Maplewood, N.J.

Bill Maher and The Donald are feuding,

For simian parents alluding.

With ego maligned,

Trump wants Maher fined,

When it's really the apes should be suing.

Bink Olney
Spokane, Wash.

There was a was a dreaded sequestration,

That menaced the fate of our nation.

So with courage and grace,

Congress hastened the pace,

Of their mutual masturbation!

John Gately
Cambridge, MA

Send entries to limericks@salon.com along with your name and hometown. The deadline is Friday at noon eastern and we’ll publish our favorites on Sunday. Poems may be edited for clarity or scansion. Good luck!

Salon Limerick contest

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 15:59:00 +0000

Salon readers rhyme the Pope’s resignation and Seth Macfarlane:

Amidst litigation galore,
Pope Benedict has said “No more!”
He says he'll pursue prayer,
But I'm scratching my hair,
Asking, "What the hell's changed from before?"

Chad Parenteau

http://www.chadparenteaupoetforhire.com/index.html

I admit I don't care who they pick
For best actor, director or flick.
But here's news: When rude rubes,
Reduce women to boobs,
They'll now earn "a MacFarlane" (Best Prick).

Johanna Richmond

Red Hook, N.Y.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 15:59:00 +0000

Salon readers explain rocks from outer space and Sen. Lindsey Graham:

There once was a Senator named Lindsey,

Whose reasoning was really quite flimsy.

Obsessed with Benghazi,

He went kamikaze,

Based only on personal whimsy.

Randy Searight

A huge rock blew up over Russia,

If it fell on your head it would crush ya.

And though you might object,

If it fell on your neck,

You can be very sure it would hush ya.

Mark Childress

Key West, Fla.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 15:59:00 +0000

Salon readers take on Marco Rubio’s thirst and the Pope’s retirement:

Cuban songbird Rubio, on the wing,

Wet his whistle the better to sing.

But there's many a slip

Twixt the cup and the lip

And the bottle of Poland Spring.

Bob Hall
Springfield, Va.

Wednesday the Pope did decree,

"Lent begins for you and for Me."

So began the Papal writ,

But soon His Holy quit,

"In March this won't pertain to Me"

Sandy Wylie

South Portland, Maine

Aghast we all heard from the Pope,

To continue His role, He'd said nope.

A change of His heart,

(Surgery was a part),

Six hundred years broken (we'll cope.)

Alison Bruzek

Cambridge, Mass.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 15:59:00 +0000

Salon readers dig up Richard III, pay tribute to Ed Koch and more:

The Boy Scouts say it’s not okay,
To be out and a Scout if you’re gay.
But all straight molesters,
The Toms, Dicks, and Chesters,
Are welcome as flowers in May.

Mark Childress
Key West, Fla.

Edward I Koch, three times was Hizzoner,
Best of pals with Cardinal O’Connor.
When New York was a ruin,
He chirped ”How my doin’?”
And refused to call her a goner.

David Maron
New York

An entrepreneurial shyster,
bought an old carpark in Leicester.
For it seems that he'd heard,
That Richard the Third,
Was there, buried beneath an old Chrysler.

Timothy Smith

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 15:59:00 +0000

Salon readers dissect Manti Te'O's troubles, the recipes at Burger King and the political scene:

I feel sorry for poor Manti Te’O.

Turns out his sweetie pie wasn’t reo.

It was just his best friend,

Playing those tricks again,

“I’m not gay,” Manti says - oh, pleo.

Mark Childress

Key West, Fla.

Republican Redux

I grew up with William F. Buckley

Well known for his sesquipedality

His rhodomontade

Was oft a charade

But it beat out today’s right-wing sophistry.

Deborah MacFadden

Ridgefield, Conn.

Barack relies more on Joe,

Whose popularity continues to grow,

He’s doing just fine,

With approval fifty nine,

Joe’s catching up, but does Hillary know?

Kiran Parekh

Wayne, Ill.

There once was a "man" named Rand Paul.

Who thought himself Ruler of All.

His mental artillery,

Was pilloried by Hillary.

His sword was revealed to be small.

Deborah Newell Tornello

St. Petersburg, Fla.

As Burger King searches discreet.

For equine in each patty treat,

Consumers can now,

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 16:59:00 +0000

Salon's readers write poems on Republicans, the inauguration and poetry contests.

On His Blindness -- Not (Yet) Winning the Limerick Contest

This contest has got me bewitched.
I’ve not won so now I'm fermisht*.
My meter's on time
my subject's just fine.
I'm thinking, "Is this contest fixed"?

To publish I'll reach for the bait.
To win I must open their gate.
Do they read every poem
or just ones from the known,
or must I just "stand (there) and wait"?

*Yiddish: Mixed up in the head, a little crazy, overwhelmed, disorganized.

Richard Gardiner
Potter Valley, Mendocino County, Calif.

Although your new limerick contest is thrillin',
my brain appears not to be willin'
when every new verse
than the last one is worse.
Perhaps you should just call Calvin Trillin.

Bryan McKamey
Richfield, Minn.

A president chose to come clean
In a red white and very blue scene,
And the subtext was this:
Here's my rear for a kiss,
GOP, if you think I'm still green.

Salon limerick contest

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 14:59:00 +0000

After a hiatus, Salon's limerick contest returns with assessments of college football, Obama's cabinet and more.

A Notre Dame Fan Laments

We left behind bleak Northern Lights,

For a land of bikini'd Hamites.

We went down to defeat,

And were heard in retreat:

"At least my house doesn't have taillights."

James Lewis

Atlanta

To sit at the Cabinet table,

Obama picks Senator Hagel.

It would have been nice,

To have Dr. Rice,

But it was more than he could finagle.

Brent Winecoff

Jacksonville, Fla.

From Delaware hails our VP,

A fiscal cliff jumper is he.

He'll work on your pecs,

Offer old ladies sex,

Won't someone please put this guy on TV?

Josh Klemons

Madison, Wis.

Where’s Obama’s diversity minder–

His “qualified female” staff finder?

He’s named white guys galore,

To positions top-drawer,

Perhaps he should borrow Mitt’s binder.

Madeleine Begun Kane

Bayside, Queens

It's hard to finesse or finagle,

The Israeli alliance of Hagel.

For more J-street cred,

He should swap his white bread,

For a Brooklyn bialy or bagel.

Salon limerick contest reboot

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 17:50:00 +0000

After taking a break to eat and drink and get a tan, Salon's news limerick contest is back. Nonsense verse is a way to tolerate the daily absurdities emerging from our nation's capital, but readers are also encouraged to look beyond the Beltway for inspiration. Ridiculousness happens in Hollywood, Silicon Valley and pretty much everywhere else.

Remember, limericks are five line poems, typically with an a-a-b-b-a rhyme scheme. That said, we're also willing to consider exceptional doggerel in all it's forms.

Readers can send entries to limericks@salon.com. The weekly deadline will be Friday at noon eastern and we'll publish our favorites on Sunday. You can look here for past winners. Good luck!

Salon limerick contest

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 15:34:00 +0000

The fiscal cliff loomed large in the poetic imagination this week, also Donald Trump:

We must avoid this oncoming cliff!

Or the question will be "when" not "if".

The nation will slide,

Into the divide,

'Tween reason and the Tea Party shift.

Keith Lehman

Leesburg, Va.

There once was a man named John Boehner

Who worked as an animal trainer.

He confronted the elephant

But his words were irrelevant

He's nuts, but his party's insaner.
Mike Cotler
Maplewood, N.J.

"Forty-seven percenters love 'stuff.'

For you moochers it's never enough.

You welfare rock-bottomites

You smug urban sodomites..."

Oh Mitt. We know losing is rough.

Caroline Ely

New York

Donald Trump needs a change of careers --

Knocking doors to sell ladies’ brassieres?

Cleaning fast-food grill spatter

Sweeping dogs’ fecal matter…

Salon limerick contest

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:18:00 +0000

Salon readers show mercy for General Petraeus, but none for Sen. John McCain, R. Ariz., in this week's limerick contest:

"An outrage is what we have here,"

Said McCain, leading Fox News to cheer.

The Benghazi 'collusion'?

Was merely delusion,

Designed as a Susan Rice smear.

Mike Moulton
Gainesville, Fla.

Obama’s new hashtag is meant,

2 help middle class taxpayers vent,

Via tweets 2 demand,

That their tax hike is banned:

#My2k’s needed 4 rent.

Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com
Bayside, Queens, N.Y.

The sad lesson of General Petraeus,

Is not that our heroes betray us;

But the ugly glare of publicity,

Along with our share of complicity,

Does more than our sins can to slay us.

James W. Moore
Montreal

Send your entries to limericks@salon.com. The deadline is 5 p.m. ET on Sunday. Please include your name and hometown. Good luck!

Salon limerick contest

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 16:39:00 +0000

After the election Salon’s poet cavalry wondered what’s next for national politics:

The pundits can’t help be aquiver,

At the words of a man who delivers,

The data he crunches,

To ruin our hunches,

The new Anti-Christ is Nate Silver.

Doug Grabowski

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Barrack’s still commander in chief.

And each side will need time to debrief.

Will they work ‘cross the aisle?

Or continue hostile?

Time will tell if they change their motif.

Stephen Whitred

Barriere, B.C., Canada

The wealthy are starting to think,

Karl Rove's got his own Kool-Aid drink.

While the pundits just sit,

Praying “God won't he quit?”

Turd blossom finally starts to stink.

Chad Parenteau

http://www.chadparenteaupoetforhire.com/index.html

So we’ve come to this point, as a nation,

Where a white man with money and station,

Is no longer a shoe-in,

Salon limerick contest

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 15:48:00 +0000

Salon readers assess the results in five line verse:

Now NBC has a good reason,

To air “The Apprentice” this season:

For the public’s engrossed,

When its bigoted host,

Foments revolution and treason.

John Dillon

News Short n’ Sweet

@JFD8 on Twitter

It’s hard not to sound off and quote,

All the brain rot that sunk Romney’s boat,

Or to shout, “You unsightly,

Extremist nuts, bite me!”

But I’m far too enlightened to gloat.

Johanna Richmond

Red Hook N.Y.

I got rich by myself, so should you.

If you were smart you would know what to do,

First you pick the right dad,

Then you take what he had,

And keep those lower from starting a coup.

Kim Anderson

Gilbert, Ariz.

"Vote for me," Mitt Romney just said.

"Or else the economy's dead."

A plea or a threat,

Or him hedging his bet,

On congressional gridlock ahead?

Mike Moulton
Gainesville, Fla

There once was a dog named Seamus,

Whose owner had made him famous,

By strapping him to the roof,

Poor ol’ Seamus could say only, "Woof!"

As the contents shot from his anus.

Linda Moore

Hesperia, Calif.

At long last this great day has arrived!

And we wonder just how we survived.

The unseemly abundance,

Of rude, loutish pundits,

Salon limerick contest

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 19:35:00 +0000

With less than two weeks before election day, Salon's reader poets sized up the shape of the race:

On Obama and his use of drones,

You’d think he and Romney were clones.

Their constant agreeing,

Left progressives fleeing,

Like horses from modern war zones.

Chad Parenteau

http://www.chadparenteaupoetforhire.com/index.html

This last GOP incarnation,

Depends on linguistic conflation:

Preventive suppression

And self-deportation;

Plus acute vagina obsession.

Ana Maria Haar

Salon limerick contest

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 16:59:00 +0000

Salon's legion of poets take on Paul Ryan, Jack Welch and Joe Biden's smile:

His smile was big, wide and sparkly.

His tone was disdainful and snarky.

But like him or not,

Joe Biden was hot,

And didn’t put up with malarky!

Douglas McMillan

Sedgwick, Maine

Jack Welch, it would seem, has decided,

That the B-L-S should be derided.

He thinks they conspired,

To inflate numbers hired.

But sane people think he's misguided.

Mike Moulton

Gainesville, Fla.

Debating Paul Ryan, Joe won.

Moreover, he won by a ton:

Tough and energized, quick,