I live in a medium-size metropolitan area and sometimes use dating sites and Craigslist to meet men for casual dating/hookups. Several years ago I was duped by a man who misrepresented himself by using 20-year-old photos. Which I discovered by meeting him in public.

Fast-forward a year or so and I again went to meet someone I had met online and lo and behold, he was in the establishment, which he quickly exited. Of course, no one matched the photo of the person I thought I was meeting. He followed me to my destination and then continued to send me messages, which I ignored. There was another incident as well, where he was in the same establishment as I was and again, he sent me messages. Fast-forward again until present day ... every site I go on, he contacts me, always using fake photos and different email addresses. I know this because I use Google image search and the photos always end up matching a scam artist or various profiles that contain a certain phrase or names the predator has used in the past. I experience a lot of anxiety now, while attempting to meet men online, always wondering if it is the wolf in disguise, yet again.

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I have read your column religiously for the last two or three years and want to truly thank you for sharing  your insight. I'm not sure even where to start about my situation. In truth, I lied, and not a little white lie but a big compounding nine-year lie. I have never told anyone about this lie because it seems so psychotic.

For starters, I'm an orphan and grew up in the state foster-care system. I was adopted mid-childhood by a woman who adopts and fosters children as her only source of income. This being said she was never a parent but a paid caregiver to an ever-changing array of children. I lived in a town that was small enough that everyone I came into contact with knew my story. I was "The Orphan." This fact defined my life for 18 years.

I dreamed of moving away and going to college from an early age. In my mind college was the place where I could start over and no one would know that I was "The Orphan," no one would have their parents around, and I would just be a normal person. Turns out that was anything but the truth.

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Since the beginning of our relationship, of one year, my boyfriend always criticizes everything. He had a hard time when his father died because of alcohol, when he was about 12 or 13, and he considers himself to be very  mature because of that. I never had such a thing going on in my family. He is socially awkward, and just because the world isn't made for him, and how he wants the world to be, he just stays inside, since then, playing video games all day. He has a very sharp mind, he got into the university to study maths. But he left it. I'm always trying to remind him how smart he is and that he shouldn't leave it behind. He always says, "And what do you know?"

All I know is that I love him and I don't want him to be sad. And he calls me immature. When we are hanging with his friends I almost don't talk in order to avoid his criticism of me later when heading home. When we started dating he said that one of the reasons that he's dating me was that I was very mature. And now he takes it back.

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My problem is about moving in. I love my boyfriend of two years. We should live together; he's already at my place six nights a week. If we move in together, we could take awesome vacations and save more money at the same time! It just makes sense. We both agree it's a good idea. We're even looking at places (two bedrooms, so friends and family can visit us). (And because we love closets, let's be honest.)

But it freaks me out: The idea of relying on anyone else to pay half my rent (and other bills) makes me horribly uncomfortable. He is responsible, and will pretty much always be able to handle his half. Why can't I accept it? I mean, he makes nearly twice as much as I do. But he doesn't contribute to his 401K.

Secretly, I blame my dad for making me such a worrywart about savings and money in general. And by "secretly," I mean I tell everyone it's my dad's fault I'm such a tightwad. (Bless his heart, I know he'd agree.) Cary, please advise. I read your advice all the time because it's both unexpected and spot-on.

Sincerely,

I Hope This Isn't the Most Boring Letter You Get

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I'm serious about having the punk conversation, and have received some interesting mail already. I'm answering a "regular" letter today but will be turning to the above topic intermittently in the coming weeks. -- ct

Dear Cary,

So many people in the dating world talk about "deal breakers," their list of no-no's that immediately ousts a potential partner and ranges from "no drug-addictions" to "no socks with sandals." I have trouble making ultimatums, life just seems too complicated. It makes sense to have some boundaries, but this is love, not border patrol.

On the top of this list are always: no cheating, no abuse, no dishonesty.

Cheating and abuse I can draw a red line at. But never telling your spouse that no, their nose hairs aren't too noticeable? I find this idea to be completely unrealistic and wonder if smug couples who claim to be always 100-percent honest with each other are in fact lying to themselves.

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This letter is not really a question and my response is not really an "answer." It  is just the beginning of a conversation that will continue off and on in the weeks to come. -- ct

Dear Cary,

I'm actually pretty skeptical you're going to respond to this. I'm 22 -- so I'm pretty used to being rejected by now; it comes with the territory of "youthful" inexperience. Most people ignore me, some don't -- I try not to take either one too personally. Anyway, I am glad you have recovered from cancer, and I am (sorry? what is the right word for "distantly but authentically sad and empathetic for a stranger whose column you read") about your dog.

You asked to speak to musicians, and I am not one. I am a writer -- I do a lot of things with my writing, but one of them is talk to a lot of musicians. (I could send you my interviews, but it seems tacky to pimp my writing in this letter...)

Anyway, from what I can tell you, this is how young contemporary punk bands work. First, the best ones all live together -- they get a cheap house, they name it something cool, they open it up for informal shows that get pretty wild. I live in Buffalo -- the biggest one (the Turnaround) just closed as the members are moving on and graduating and metamorphosing into beautiful punk-rock butterflies.

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I've followed you for what feels like 10 years, as I've traversed the quarter-life crisis and crises of creativity that speak powerfully to the blood that has always run through my veins.

So now I come to you with a more commonplace problem in some ways, but still so connected to the vein of creativity that you speak so well to.

There is a man. Isn't there always? An older man, and one I work with. So banal, I know. But we've been as you might call it, "good," or as good as one can be as two married people. We've admitted our attraction to each other, but agreed it would be reckless, careless and selfish to take it any further. I am not under any illusion that I love him, but I do enjoy his company. And that's my dilemma.  After traveling with him for work this week, staying up just talking until the sun came up, I suddenly feel a wave of creativity rushing my every sense. It's like being a teenager again, but one who's actually read ee cummings, Whitman and Milton. I find myself scooping up old poetry books, reading Shakespeare and even writing down the colors of this strange, yet I imagine so universal, blend of emotions. It's addicting in the way that any other vice might be, but I'm still young (so they tell me, at 28), so still learning the ways of this strange and wonderful world.

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I recently visited my best friend from college -- we had not seen each other in three years and have been talking over Skype on a weekly basis until now. She is getting married on Friday to a monster I had the great displeasure of meeting this last week. On the first morning I was with her at her house, I noticed her 1-year-old dog had a problem with her eye, ear and back. I asked what happened and she responded, "I'm not going to lie, my fiancé beat the shit out of her."

I was in shock. I didn't know what to say to her until later in the afternoon when I said I was very concerned for her safety. She shrugged me off and said he has never been bad to her, he is very stressed at work, and then said, "That's what battered women say, right?" When the violence occurred, she was not home -- when she came home and found her dog blinded on one side and more than likely bleeding internally, she did not take her to the vet. Instead, she told her fiancé that if he ever hit the dog again, she would be gone. She has been afraid to seek help for the dog, who is obviously suffering.

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I love your column, and I have a problem. Actually, my best friend has a problem and it's about his cat.

My friend lives on a disability pension, so has no extra cash for luxuries. His cat, less than 5 years old, is getting tumors under the skin. So far this year, my friend and his roommate have spent about $2,800 for two separate operations for the cat.

In my mind, this is crazy, but I don't know what to say to my friend that will help him see clearly the hopelessness of this situation and the madness of going into crazy debt for the sake of a year or two of life for a cat.

Don't get me wrong, I love this cat, but if he were mine, I would have him live until he was no longer comfortable, then have him put down.

What would you say to me or my friend?

Thanks,

Jim

Dear Jim,

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My 15-year-old niece lost her boyfriend a few months ago to cancer. While she's doing pretty well, she feels very lonely. She has friends and a lot of hobbies and activities. I was wondering if you know of a good site for teens that would help her through this difficult time. I'm also in the process of trying to find a therapist for her because I feel a few visits would be a help.

Caring Aunt

Dear Caring Aunt,

Thank you for your letter. Though your niece has friends, she feels lonely. She may not know how to communicate with them about what she is feeling. She may feel they don't understand what she is going through. To some extent, "lonely" may be a catchall word for her, indicating sadness, lack of energy, consciousness of loss, anger, etc. At 15, one's emotional vocabulary is limited. At the same time, she is of course lonely.

She is lonely. She had someone she was with a lot. She had enough human contact. Her boyfriend gave her that.  Now he's gone, so of course she feels lonely.

As you probably know, she will have to live with this loss for a while. It will take time for this loss to take its place in her world.

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I'm a month into my 30s, an age I always looked forward to because by then I should have my life together, know what I want, know my purpose, and know who I am.

As is the irony of life, my life is in shambles, I am unemployed (for almost a year!) and in debt. I want to be a paid television writer. I think writing is part of my life's purpose, but I haven't had any success due to a series of compulsively squandered job opportunities and years hiding in the petrifying fear of showing up to my career -- all of which I blamed on my youth. I am still, at the age of 30, on the square before square one while many of my peers have passed me by and are writing on successful shows.

Even though I was wrong about most of what achieving 30 would mean, I, with the help of five years in a 12-step program, thought I knew who I was, or at least what I was not. I recently discovered I qualified for three additional programs in addition to my first. So, instead of victorious self-awareness, I've had a whole new surprising part of me exposed, a part that was a total mystery, one of which is my debtor behavior.  

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You are an amazing voice of reason out there, so I am writing to you. In a nutshell, I am miserable. I am 39 going on 40. Anyone looking at my life from the outside would think (and they are correct) I have nothing to complain about. I have three great kids, wife of many years, am a successful professional who makes enough money to perhaps not be a 1-percenter, but certainly a 5-percenter. Heck, I was a college athlete and am still in good shape. So why do I feel so worthless?

I am OCD and depressive. I used to drink, and stopped cold-turkey several years ago because I figured out I was drinking myself into a stupor to turn off the feelings of hopelessness, and the next day, when I would be sick, was the lowest. And as my kids got older I did not want them to see me out of control like that. I was not "addicted" to alcohol, i.e., I was able to stop. It was simply my therapy of choice for these feelings of wanting to be dead.

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You said in your column that you want letters ... so I think I might send you a few. I have some things I'm sorting through that I suspect your intuition/insight would be especially helpful with. They have to do with the past, addictions and creative growth. So, here's one. This is about an ex and moving past the past.

About 3.5 years ago I started dating someone I met through work. I broke up with my then-boyfriend of three years, with whom I lived, to be with the new guy. At the time I felt a few things: 1) that it was a soul mate connection, larger than me; 2) that I didn't really know why I was doing it because my current boyfriend was wonderful and I loved him; 3) that I didn't deserve to be treated well, and because the new guy reminded me so much of my alcoholic father, I knew he would treat me badly and at a deep level I wanted to be punished. I wish I could say No. 3 was a barely conscious or subconscious voice that I only later recognized, but I actually articulated that feeling, pretty much verbatim, to the boyfriend I was leaving. Well, the relationship turned out as one might expect. In addition to the alcoholism -- over which he was in denial, and in fact there is a whole lot of addiction and a whole lot of denial in his family -- he was verbally and emotionally abusive. There were lots of other problems too, but anyone who is familiar with dysfunctional/addictive relationships can probably fill in the details. I played my role in the dysfunction as well. We lasted about eight months. Most of that I was miserable, we had epic fights, I stayed because I told myself I needed to take my punishment, and by the time we broke up my self-esteem was in such shreds that I was cutting myself. I should add that I was in my mid-20s at the time and he was 10 years older. I finally broke up with him when I tried to interrupt one of his hours-long tirades by explaining (again) that it was not OK with me to be screamed at and called names, no matter how angry he was, and he responded with the following: "I get to yell at you when I'm angry." It wasn't until that moment that I realized I could explain and explain, but his behavior was not going to change because he thought it was an OK way to behave. If I thought it was not OK, it was on me to leave. So I did, and I got into a 12-step program, and I worked my program, and I went to therapy, and I got on with my life. I am much happier and healthier now than I have ever been, and I'm still growing, and I am in a healthy loving relationship of over a year.

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I am a freelance bookkeeper. I had been seeing one of my clients a couple of times a week at his home office for over 15 years. Over time, we became friends -- having dinner together every once in a while and even going to the movies. He knew my family and was invited to holiday meals. There was never any indication that he had romantic feelings for me even though he has always been very generous and kind. In fact, I always thought he was the best person character-wise that I know but he always has seemed rather cold, emotionally. As an example, there was one time I just naturally tried to give him a hug on my way out the door and he stiffened like I had really crossed a line. It struck me as being very strange. I vowed then never again to be so "friendly." He's never seemed to have any friends much less a girlfriend.

About eight years ago, I advised him to purchase a house as he was making good money and doing so would (and did) save him quite a bit at tax time. He was resistant to the idea and always "teased" that if things didn't work out he would come to live with me. To make a long story short, his business took a dive, he lost the house and had to declare bankruptcy in March of last year.

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I am a 38-year-old woman having a hidden affair with my ex-husband of 10 years ago. To be completely honest, we're just having sex, no seduction involved. Old feelings are welling up for me, some good but mostly bad, all with a huge side order of guilt and shame. I don't think my ex has feelings for anyone except himself and our children. He's the most selfish person I know while extolling himself any chance he gets as a model of generosity. Yes, he's free with money and he's pleasant and jocular with strangers, acquaintances and friends, but he's stingy with his feelings. I'm realizing (again) that he doesn't seem to have any. He seems to exist on a completely superficial plane and when someone pisses him off he tells them how he feels and is done with them. He doesn't give anyone a chance to reply, just cuts them off. To him any discussion is an argument. He avoids confrontation unless he's the one instigating it. I should mention that he smokes pot daily, several times a day, and has since he was a teenager.

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I have been reading your column for the last year and it has helped me a lot. Your insights have deeply inspired me. Thank you!

Please forgive me if I make some mistakes in this letter, English is not my native language.

I had a troubled upbringing and my teenage years were hell. My relationship with my parents was a nightmare. My mother was very violent, controlling, manipulative and volatile. I suspect now that she has narcissistic personality disorder. I spent most of my time as a child being afraid of her, trying my best to be invisible to her, but when I hit puberty I became extremely rebellious. She had a very clear idea of who I should be as a person. I had to fight very hard to keep being myself, and I have had to fight even harder not to feel worthless by being me. Even now, after a lot of years, when she is in a rage she tells me I am nothing just because I don't fit in with her ideas of success. I have very limited contact with her for sake of my sanity.

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I am 20, for the past year I have been in an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a grad student at my university who is six years my senior; let's call him X. Most recently, X and I have been on-again, and he is going to graduate from his program in a few weeks. X told me he didn't want anything exclusive, so I have been with several other guys at the same time I have been with him. The problem is, X doesn't want to have sex again. The last time we did it, it frankly sucked; neither of us was properly aroused, and the next day I texted him to say that it would be better the next time, and he replied that he was sure it would be. There hasn't been a next time, and it is really bothering me because X has been willing to run errands for me and even hang out with me and my best friend, but he has spurned all my advances, saying things like, "You don't even need me, you get so many guys." I resent that, Cary; I especially resent it because he most recently told me that I was "by far the sluttiest" out of the 13 women he has been with in his life. I don't understand why he suddenly lost interest in me sexually, yet is still willing to do me favors and text me every day. I asked him point-blank, "Are you sick of me?" and he told me he was. He says it isn't because I have been with other guys besides him, but I don't see what else it could be. It's incredibly frustrating because I can have sex with other guys, but I want him one more time. Do you have any ideas why somebody would just lose sexual interest all of a sudden? Do you think he could be insecure because I am so openly sexual and the women in his past were not?

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A few months ago, I got a new supervisor at work.  I was excited because this is someone I’ve known for years, and have even considered a mentor in the past.  Unfortunately, I had a string of personal losses in the past few months — deaths and major illnesses of loved ones, that sort of thing — and I recently realized I was skating the edges of depression and taking it out on my supervisor.  I’ve been working to repair the damage I did, since even though it was inadvertent, it was clearly my doing.  So I was feeling pretty good about that, but then I learned that my supervisor, who is not on Facebook, has been told by others that I’m saying nasty things about her there.  I have no way to determine whether these folks are being willfully malicious, generically shit-stirring, or just very foolish, but in any case, I haven’t said anything at all, bad or good.  So I’m doubly hurt by this, first that some unknown entity would either lie or egregiously misinterpret and assume the worst, and second that my old mentor would choose to believe these stories without even questioning me.  In my head, I’ve run through various scenarios, including printing out my entire Facebook history to show her, and, well, things that are even less sane.  I want to do the sensible, straightforward thing and just tell her it isn’t true, but I’m worried that she won’t believe me or I’ll get defensive and set the relationship back again.  What can I do?

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Do you believe there is such a thing as a "quarter-life crisis"? I'm turning 25 next week, but I am so sick of waiting for my life to begin.

OK, background story: I decided very early in high school I wanted to be a nurse. I loved the idea of traveling and thought that nursing could translate across borders. So the life plan was simple: graduate from nursing school with a BSN, work two years as a staff nurse on a general medicine floor to get experience, then work abroad for Doctors Without Borders, return home and go to graduate school for my nurse practitioner degree, get married ... (you get the trend).

Well, Phases 1 and 2 have been accomplished. I'm currently working as a staff nurse at a busy city hospital and in September 2013 I'll have been working there for exactly two years. So September is the big month, time for me to move on, do something or go somewhere new.

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I've been reading your column for years and it's helped me a lot. Thank you for that.

A recent suggestion that a daughter-in-law who throws outrageous tantrums at the end of visits might have a borderline personality disorder really struck a chord with me. The videos you linked to were so similar to my mother. For example, at least twice a year she'll unleash a barrage of furious and hostile emails and phone calls to me and accuse me of gloating while she cries, being abusive, lambasting her and making her as miserable as I possibly can, never saying anything supportive, being secretive and a user (because I didn't tell her that my husband and I had separated until we knew for sure we were headed for divorce) ... I could go on and on. None of it matches my view of myself at all, though I do tend to close myself off and not react when she screams at me. I used to get really wrapped up in the hurtful things she says, but I'm used to it enough that it mostly gives me a week or two of feeling depressed and like I'm a horrible person, and then I just shrug and carry on.

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