Since You Asked
How do you get over being dumped?
My boyfriend said it was over and I've moved on but I'm still obsessed. What can I do?
Dear Cary,
I am a 28-year-old woman who was dumped, about four months ago, by my boyfriend of two years (he’s the same age). Things started off with a bang: fast, hard, big love, followed by sweet and very satisfying sex, lots of fun times and shared experiences. We shared many friends, took fun vacations, did the same sports, putzed around, got to know each other’s families, etc. We got along well, worked out the kinks, shared major principles about life and a vision of how we wanted to live, maintained our own independence, and seemed to have all sorts of other good things I would strive for in a relationship.
It was the third time I ever fell in love and my second “serious, long-term” relationship; it was his first on both accounts. This difference made me nervous at first but I quickly realized that passing him up just because I was worried that he didn’t have experience was pretty stupid — he was special, a great match and, well, you just never know.
Things moved pretty smoothly. He soon made subtle comments about living together, marriage and family. At first I demurred and responded shyly, unfamiliar with having a guy act so committed to me so quickly, but I warmed to the idea as I got to know him and felt like he was a person I could happily spend the rest of my life with. It seemed like we were on a path together that we both felt really excited about and that our love was strong. He bought a house; I was planning to move in when my lease was up. I started to have visions of settling down and getting married and being domestic and all of that jazz — and it felt good! Our friends said they envied us.
But obviously, all was not well. I can see now that at some point, he started to shut down and didn’t offer any of the care or attention it takes to fuel and maintain a relationship and take it further (he seems to think he shouldn’t have had to), and generally treated me like “one of the guys.” He would complain about sex but wouldn’t talk about it when I tried to learn what he wanted or suggested spicing things up. He stonewalled me when I tried to get him to open up or argue/discuss problems or feelings. At the same time, he seemed to desire some magical, romantic relationship. My diagnosis: He wanted love without the work.
It took me a long time to realized this, but as soon as I did, I started to be proactive about working on the relationship and then he came home one day and said he “just wasn’t into it anymore.” No explanation, no conversation, no desire to take stock and consider our relationship together. Just a frighteningly cold, standard speech: “The magic is gone; it’s not you it’s me; the passion has died down; it’s not as exciting as it used to be; is this all there is?” I was shocked and devastated. I felt like I had just been dumped by a 13-year-old. He left and I’ve never heard from him again.
Fast forward to today. I’ve done a lot of good thinking and recognize that I truly am a great person and deserve a partner who treasures me. My friends (and his) tell me so. And I am doing all of the right things: taking care of myself, spending time with people I love, pursuing neglected interests and hobbies, but I am still obsessed with him, the relationship, all of it. I don’t think I am actually depressed, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I am haunted by the whole thing when I wake up in the morning, at work, at night, and it’s been hard to enjoy other parts of my life with this preoccupation hanging over me at every moment.
What do I need to do to start moving on? In my head I know there’s more out there, but my heart doesn’t get it.
Having Trouble Moving On
Dear Having Trouble,
What I have learned from experiencing mistreatment similar to what you describe is that it takes longer to get over it than you think it should. You are obviously doing all the right things, and I applaud you and admire you for it.
Until you’ve been knocked around a few times, you can’t develop a sense of how long it takes to heal from such things: Trust me, it always takes longer than you expect.
It’s a little bit of a paradox that if you were a less thoughtful and more reckless person you might have gotten knocked around enough already. No matter; that’s just my little ironic aside. You are doing all the right things, and you sound like a wonderful person. There’s just no magical cure for a hurt like this.
I wonder about him. You said it felt like being dumped by a 13-year-old, and that this was his first time being in love. It strikes me as very cruel for him to end the relationship so abruptly. He probably not only lacked experience but has a woefully meager capacity for empathy. It doesn’t take empathy to be in love; empathy is quite different from love, in that love can be, as in an infant’s love, utterly self-absorbed.
Be that as it may, I wouldn’t be surprised if along with your hurt and sadness you also harbored some vivid revenge fantasies. Don’t feel badly if you do, but try to shape your anger into a kind of self-protective and vigilant skepticism.
Once you’ve gotten over it, remember how much it hurt. Remembering the pain will sometimes be your only defense. Young guys can be quite cruel, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
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Passion poison
My husband used to make me feel like the sexiest woman alive. Now his idea of seduction is "Wanna do it tonight?"
Dear Reader,
Last week this column was made Premium. Many of you expressed disappointment and outrage; many others signed up for subscriptions; some probably did both. There was a considerable venting of feelings, particularly because it was done without notice — which was a mistake on our part. To all those who responded in whatever way, I want to say thank you for your passionate engagement with Salon and with this column.
This week, the column is free once more. But there are more changes planned, starting next week. On Monday, “Since you asked …” will be relaunched as a daily column. Three days a week the column will be free; two days a week it will be available only to Salon Premium subscribers.
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Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
- Send me a letter! Ask for advice! Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
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Loveless at 21
Why am I always the bridesmaid and never the bride? Men like me but don't want to kiss me.
Dear Cary,
I just turned 21, and I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never even gone out on a date. I have a happy life otherwise: I’m doing well at a good college, I have a close group of smart, funny, caring friends, I seem to have the respect of most of my professors and both my parents, and animals and small children like me. I wear clean clothes, I’m decent-looking (have been told occasionally that I’m pretty), I have a nice haircut and wear makeup occasionally, I take a shower every day, I smile a lot. I’ve been told often that I’m funny and a good listener and good company in general; I’m a happy person, and I laugh often, and it’s not one of those honking, braying laughs that scare people.
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Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
- Send me a letter! Ask for advice! Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
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A classic conundrum
Does it make sense to stick it out with one of the few people I've ever loved, even if the sex is dreadful?
Dear Cary,
I’m 25, and recently moved in with my girlfriend of six months. This is the first serious “adult” relationship I’ve ever had. I love her very much, no one makes me happier, but I also have been having occasional panic attacks — 99 percent of the time, they don’t relate directly to her personally, rather to the future questions: “What happens if we break up?” “How much will it hurt?” “What if she’s not the one?” I think frequently of marriage and children but am frustrated with my occasional paranoia.
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Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
- Send me a letter! Ask for advice! Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
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Twice burned
My first husband died in my arms; my second one changed his mind about wanting children. I'm 40 and devastated. Plus: Why do married men kiss me?
Dear Cary,
Ten years ago, I was an English teacher engaged to marry a doctor I’d loved since college. We had an adventurous, romantic relationship, fueled by a mix of the idealism of one’s 20s and our own hard work, which suggested to us that we were going to have a very fine life. We reveled in each other; we relished our dingy apartment and ramen noodles because we knew we were lucky and wouldn’t be without for long. Rob and I spent several of his residency rotations in developing countries, where he worked in free clinics and I helped local women learn to read. We enjoyed this so much that we planned to shape our married life around it, following in the footsteps of others we admired who’d raised worldly and self-possessed children overseas.
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Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
- Send me a letter! Ask for advice! Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
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More Cary Tennis.
Dirty little secret
My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and the sex is wonderful, but he loses his erection before he finishes.
Dear Cary,
I am currently in perhaps the healthiest and most wonderful relationship of my life. I am happy with my boyfriend, and we’ve been together many months now. We talk about everything, and he’s the first person I’ve felt that I can be completely myself around. I’m completely in love. He’s exactly the man I’ve looked for all my life.
Except for one thing.
Sexually, we’re extremely compatible and active. We have the same kinks, and we’re not shy about sharing them. The only problem is, he’s not big into actual intercourse, because he has trouble finishing. He loses his erection during sex. In the beginning of our relationship, he explained that this was a peculiarity of his, that he often stresses out about finishing and that it makes him not able to. That his brain fills with all sorts of distractions. He said that he never has been able to finish inside a woman and that it shouldn’t be any reflection on me. He has said that I’ve gotten him closer to that than any other woman he’s been with — but I’m not sure if he’s just saying this to make me feel better, or if it’s actually true. He makes up for it by being very competent in the areas of satisfying his partner.
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Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column, leads writing workshops and creative getaways, publishes books, writes an occasional newsletter and tweets as @carytennis.
- Send me a letter! Ask for advice! Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
- Make a comment to Cary Tennis not for publication.
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Page 339 of 347 in Since You Asked