Super Bowl
Super Bowl ads: The good, the bad and the ’80s
There were cars and babes galore. But in a game that rematched teams from four years ago, retro ruled the ads, too VIDEO
Several months ago, a 45-year-old ad executive drove home in his roomy, fuel-efficient SUV, anticipating the watery beer that awaited in his fridge, and thought, “Dammit, I used to be cool. Cool like Lloyd Dobler.” And then he went on to create the ads for the 2012 Super Bowl. Nostalgic much, Gen-X?
Sure, this year’s crop of ads featured hot babes, cute kids, funny animals and Doritos, but they were also heavily tinged with one overwhelming message: Hey, you. Yeah you, the one who once thought your band was going to be the next Love & Rockets. Can we sell you a car? Herewith, Salon’s picks for the Super Bowl’s best, the worst, and the most likely to make John Hughes roll over in his grave.
The Good
H&M: David Beckham
Tattoos. Abs. And the Animals. That’s right, world, there’s more to Super Bowl sex objects than Victoria’s Secret models. More yes please.
Samsung: Thing Called Love
You guys! Samsung has revolutionized communication by inventing … a stylus! But somehow, trotting out every possible celebratory, flash-mob cliché from the gospel choir to the marching band, all to the infectious strains of The Darkness, makes for impossibly giddy fun.
Volkswagen: The Dog Strikes Back
Shameless, yes. But what does the Internet run on? Dogs and “Star Wars”! What does Volkswagen give us? Dogs and “Star Wars”! While it lacks the charm of last year’s Darth Vader kid spot, it’s still a confident, breezy delight.
Skechers: Mr. Quiggly
Why? It helps that the Tone Loc fits in with the whole ’80s theme, but mostly because whoever thought to name the dog Mr. Quiggly is a GENIUS.
“The Voice”: Vocal Kombat
Cheesy as hell. But imagining the likes of Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine as furniture-smashing, ass-kicking action stars, battling it out over an unseen vocal powerhouse, is funny. That the mystery voice turns out to be the ubiquitous, forever awesome Betty White is adorable.
Chevy Sonic: Stunt Anthem
If you’re looking for a vehicle that will go skydiving, kick flipping and bungee jumping, this is definitely, jaw-droppingly, the one. Weirdly, the car also boasts of starring in an OK Go video, though the Super Bowl clip preferred Fun’s anthemic “We Are Young.” Sonic: the good-time car that will cheat on you.
Acura: Transactions
Oh Lordy, who’d have thought there was still comedy to be milked from the Soup Nazi? But casting Jerry Seinfeld as desperate enough to offer up sock puppets and holographic monkeys for a chance to be the first to drive the new Acura – and Leno as the jerk who robs him of the dream – somehow comes off as absurd enough to be fresh.
The Bad
TaxACT: Free to Pee
Accountancy for people who urinate in the pool. If ever there were a metaphor for the 1 percent this was it.
Teleflora: Adriana Lima
Adriana Lima slinks into a pair of stockings, tousles her hair and prowls past an “XOXO”-festooned floral arrangement. “Guys, Valentine’s Day is not that complicated,” she purrs. “Give. And you shall receive.” Hint: She is not talking about a free simonizing. For perpetuating the notion that $29.99 worth of roses and pink carnations entitles a man to a blow job, Teleflora, you win most ridiculous, sexist ad of the night.
Fiat: Seduction
You may be smart enough to know that a lousy bouquet won’t get you laid by a beautiful woman with a foreign accent, but are you dumb enough to try to make out with a car? The Fiat will slap you and drink your latte — and you will love it, you helpless, helpless slave to your penis.
Doritos: Man’s Best Friend
If you’re the kind of dog who kills and buries cats, or the kind of man who can be bought off for some neon orange snack food, have I got a nacho for you.
The End of Days
Hyundai: Cheetah
In a race between a man, a car and a deadly feline, the car will take off and the man will be mauled to death. Epic automobile win, I guess.
Chrysler: Halftime in America
Only 236 years to go, USA! Because Clint Eastwood would like to growl at you that it is “halftime in America.” “We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.” Somehow, however, we will rally “because that’s what we do.” It seems to involve firemen and dropping the kids off at school. It’s supposed to be hopeful, but when Dirty Harry says, “The world’s going to hear the roar of our engines … yeah,” I just want to hide under my bed and cry till the smoke clears.
Chevy: 2012
When that Mayan apocalypse hits and the world starts looking like a Cormac McCarthy novel, you know what will be left of civilization? Twinkies, Silverados and Barry Manilow music. Better hope you’re one of the raptured.
The Reagan
MetLife: Everyone
So what’s your death and dismemberment plan looking like these days? Is it as good as He-Man and Fat Albert’s?
Honda: Matthew’s Day Off
In a droll spot filled with cinematic Easter eggs (that Red Wings jersey!) and “Oh yeaaaahs,” Honda would like to remind you of that carefree, rebellious scamp Ferris Bueller. But the fact that now he’s a middle-age movie star playing hooky from his overpaid career, not to mention a man who in 1987 was the driver in a head-on collision that killed two people, makes this spot about as easy to watch as your dad jamming in the garage with his buddies. Oh nooooo.
Kia: Dream Car
Keeping up the theme of ’80s icons who’ve killed people with their cars selling you cars, Kia deployed Vince Neil for a spot that assumes that while ladies dream of rainbows and horseback riding with puffy-shirted Fabio wannabes, dudes even slumber awesomely. Guy dreams, you see, employ Chuck Liddell and Adriana Lima, rhino riding and Motley Crue. And big sandwiches. Yet props to Kia for having its hero bust out of his bikini-babe-saturated reverie to grab his wife from her dream, and speed off into the sunset together.
Audi: Vampire Party
A bunch of bloodsuckers are having a teeth-baring, tree-climbing shindig in the woods, until some yahoo comes along and kills off the guest list with his bright-as-day headlights. Cute, but the big reveal was its use of Echo and the freaking Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon.”
Budweiser: Eternal Optimism
And for the kids who were a little less emo, Budweiser takes on a stroll through modern history, in a mashup that combines Flo Rida’s “Good Feeling” with the Cult’s classic “She Sells Sanctuary.” The ’70s disco party with the horse was ridiculous, but the fact that a grungy mosh pit is now a sentimental touchstone in a beer ad should definitely drive you to drink.
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
Super Bowl: A tale of two catches
A taut, novelistic game turns in the space of three plays
New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker drops a pass during the second half of the NFL Super Bowl XLVI football game against the New York Giants, Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum) (Credit: AP) Super Bowl 46 was a tale of two catches – one made, one dropped – that took place within the space of three plays. The catch he dropped will haunt New England Patriots flanker Wes Welker to the end of his days. The one that New York Giants’ wide receiver Mario Manningham caught led to the Giants’ fourth Vince Lombardi Trophy, and will be almost too painful for Patriots’ fans to ever watch. Four years after Giants’ receiver David Tyree’s legendary ball-on-helmet grab led to the Giants’ scintillating victory in Super Bowl 42, the Patriots just got fatally struck by Eli Manning lightning. Again.
Continue Reading CloseGary Kamiya is a Salon contributing writer. More Gary Kamiya.
How Madonna liberated America
As the pop icon prepares to play the Super Bowl, a celebration of the way she changed sexual mores forever
When Madonna takes the stage at halftime of the Super Bowl this Sunday, she’ll be the first female solo performer to do so since Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake played peek-a-boo in 2004. Ever since Nipplegate, Super Bowl programmers have avowedly played it safe, booking a string of hoary grown-man rockers such as Paul McCartney and The Boss, known quantities not prone to random disrobing.
By and large, the halftime show has become the live-performance equivalent of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, an honor bestowed long after an artist’s peak. So Madonna, once the baddest good girl or best bad girl in pop, is now safe prime-time fare? No shocker there. But even if Madonna hasn’t had a mega-hit since Justin Bieber was in diapers, that’s far from the point. Madge will be bringing two other fabulous Ms. M’s — Minaj and M.I.A. — onstage with her, which is exciting, but that’s not the point either.
Continue Reading CloseSara Marcus Sara Marcus is the author of Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution." Follow her on Twitter: @thesaramarcus. More Sara Marcus.
Puppies and nostalgia will always sell
In a brand-savvy world, Super Bowl ads attract social media attention with sex and cuteness
(Credit: CNET) “If God manifested himself to us, he would do so in the form of a product advertised on TV.” –Philip K. Dick
So how did you like this year’s Super Bowl ads? You know, the ones that haven’t aired yet? The ones that have been teased, previewed, screened, deconstructed and parodied days and — in some instances, weeks — before their broadcast “premiere” during Sunday’s big game?
Which dancing and/or talking, cute, furry piece of CGI wizardry did you like best? Which retro-celebrity comeback performance? Which piece of brilliantly choreographed boomer nostalgia or crowd-sourced slapstick? What offended you more, the GoDaddy boobs or the boobs that represented the prototypical salt, trans-fat, hops-barley-and-corn-obsessed American male, circa 2012?
Continue Reading CloseJames P. Othmer is the author of the novel “The Futurist,” the memoir “Adland: Searching for the Meaning of Life on a Branded Planet” and the forthcoming thriller, “The Last Trade,” written as James Conway. More James P. Othmer.
The Super Bowl is not a job creator
Despite what civic boosters say, hosting the big game provides few long-term benefits
(Credit: AP/Michael Conroy) Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, argued on “60 Minutes” last Sunday that the NFL is one professional organization designed to appeal to the economic interests of the little guy: Its revenue-sharing model, he said, gives a fighting chance to squads from Green Bay and Buffalo as well as to those from large media markets like New York, Los Angeles and Boston.
On the eve of the Super Bowl, Goodell was touting the familiar idea that the sport’s biggest game is a boon to economic development. But with the cost of a ticket now averaging $3,982 and 30-second television spots selling for $3.5 million, the Super Bowl can appear to be more an occasion for ostentatious excess than an engine of development.
Continue Reading CloseAlexander Heffner is a freelance journalist whose writing has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, and Boston Globe. More Alexander Heffner.
Political lessons from this year’s Super Bowl
From jobs to health care, football's big game illustrates the factors that will dominate the 2012 election
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (Credit: AP Photo/Elise Amendola) Most Americans won’t need a justification to watch Sunday’s game, but if you’re a Salon reader you might think, even in passing, that celebrating the holiest day of violence, consumerism and class warfare on your couch is a betrayal of your values or a waste of your time. You might even imagine that it would be better to take a hike, read a book or meditate.
Not this Sunday, buster. It’s an election season. You need to watch this game to fully understand how jobs, religion, leadership and healthcare dominate every American contest.
Continue Reading CloseRobert Lipsyte is a former New York Times sports columnist. His new memoir, "An Accidental Sportswriter," has just been published. More Robert Lipsyte.
Page 1 of 17 in Super Bowl