Thailand

Tales of Koh Samui

Two Wanderlust readers describe their adventures and misadventures on Koh Samui, Thailand's fabled -- or is it just mislabeled? -- island.

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Living like kings on $20 a day

While I normally enjoy reading your travel stories, your recent Mondo Weirdo story about Koh Samui really upset me. I spent perhaps the best, most relaxing, enjoyable 10 days of my life on Koh Samui. So I’d like to offer my version of the island:

I was a student in Tokyo in March 1995, when the dollar was at its weakest. After working for a few months as a bartender at Ari’s Lamplight (Tokyo’s best cheeseburgers), I had saved enough, and my friends and I left Tokyo on March 4 for sunny Thailand. After three days in Bangkok and an overnight bus ride (during which we were pulled over for speeding), we arrived at Surat Thani, where we caught a ferry to the island.

Upon arrival at the island, we were surrounded by representatives of various hotels and inns, which were offering rides from town to their locations, free of charge. Having nothing to lose, Joe, Nicole and I took one man up on his deal, and we sped to the other side of the island. The accommodations were not what we had in mind, so we took a short ride on a song taosinto a small town, where we chose a somewhat upscale hotel for the evening.

The next day, our Italian innkeeper helped us negotiate to rent scooters for the day so we could explore the island and find a more reasonable room. This is not to say the previous evening’s room had been overly expensive: We each spent less than $10 for the night. We were looking for a more relaxed atmosphere, though, and something so close to the beach we wouldn’t have to put on shoes when leaving our hotel.

We were looking for paradise — and we found it in the Pongpetch Hotel, an extremely clean, friendly inn owned, I believe, by Germans. They had a small hotel with about 10 rooms, and a dozen or so bungalows closer to the beach. There was a covered cafe where the breeze would relax your whole body over hot coffee, toast and fruit for breakfast. There was a shower just before the water where you could wash off the tanning oil and salt before returning to your room. There were luscious trees and blooming flowers of all sorts, and at night the air was scented with the sweet and sultry smell of blossoms.

But the best part was the view. Across an azure bay was a temple built around a large golden Buddha statue. To reach the temple, one had to drive on a dike. From land, the temple and statue appeared to be floating on the water, giving this area its name: Big Buddha Beach. We were in paradise.

Everything on Koh Samui costs 100 bahts (about $4, but less for us due to the fantastic exchange rate we enjoyed at the time). Our spacious, air-conditioned room with two double beds, cable TV, a freshwater shower and just steps from the beach was 100 bahts per person, per night. During the day, we would rent scooters and circle the island in search of new beaches, waterfalls, curio shops and natural wonders such as Grandfather and Grandmother Rock. Cost: 100 bahts per day.

Meals were always delicious and light, and with a cold beer, the cost was about 100 bahts. We saw a Thai boxing match — muay thai — for 100 bahts. We danced the nights away at the Reggae Bar and Blues Brother Bar, where a few hundred baht got you plenty of great drinks. When we were lying on the beach, women would give massages using coconut oils. An hour would cost 100 bahts. You would lie down on a clean, lightly scented sheet and the women would pour the oil into their wrinkled but surprisingly strong hands, and they would proceed to twist you into a pretzel, chatting happily away with the other masseuses, while you would groan and moan as the kinks in your skeleton and muscles were slowly worked out. At the end of the hour, the women would pick up and walk to the next beach and do the same for a new group of tourists.

We were college students living like kings on just about $20 a day, and we never wanted to leave. The scenery would stop you in midconversation and captivate you for a while. The food, while often spicy, was delicious, fresh and healthy. The beer was cold and strong, and could be enjoyed at any hour of the day. But most of all, the people of Koh Samui — and there is a term they use to distance themselves from the more uptight, hustling city dwellers — were among the warmest, gentlest people to be found anywhere. A beautiful smile could cross any language barrier, and seemed to be on everyone’s faces all the time. I can do nothing better than say “Kap khum kap” (thank you very much). I can’t think of a better tropical getaway, and I encourage everyone to give Koh Samui a try. You will not be disappointed.

– Vincent Fike

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Losing Faith

At the risk of turning this into the all-Koh Samui Hour, allow me to recount my own tale of travel and intrigue on the road:

Last spring I flew into Bangkok for what was to be two weeks of hi-jinks and hilarity. Faith, a dear friend from high school, met me at the airport, and we headed back to the hotel, where I slipped into a comalike slumber after 26 hours of nonstop travel. Sadly, however, the Faith I knew from high school was no more. Gone was the plucky, wily traveler with a fondness for margaritas. Years of living in Japan had transformed her into someone whose idea of a grand time was an uninterrupted nap and obsessive personal grooming. The hourly slathering of sunscreen was one thing, but the parasol was entirely another.

After three days of travel, we had a — shall we say — spirited argument in a hotel room in Chiang Mai, a small Thai city near Burma’s border, after which we agreed to travel separately for a few days. Later, we would rendezvous at the Bangkok airport and catch a puddle jumper to Koh Samui for the rest of the week. Fine. I myself had no desire to visit the island, being more of a city girl and, ironically, tending to burn even more easily than Faith. But I thought for the sake of goodwill and reviving a long-standing friendship I would grin and bear the life of sun and sand and utter boredom at the resort Faith was so keen on.

We met at the airport as planned, and despite a lingering tension between us, I felt I had made the right decision. For the duration of the two-hour flight, we didn’t speak much. That is, until the final 15 minutes, when Faith turned to me and asked in her I’m-a-weak-woman whisper, “So … where are you going to stay tonight?”

My jaw dropped. And there was a terrible, sinking feeling in my stomach that was not attributable to drunken piloting. “Um … I thought I was going to stay at that hotel, with you,” I replied as nonchalantly as I could.

Pause. Then, that sotto voce again. “Well, I really need my privacy.”

My inner American was beginning to lose her democratic temper. “What does that mean? Does it mean that we can share the room but we have to keep our distance, or does it mean that you don’t want me staying with you?”

“I don’t want you staying with me.” A fine time to tell me. Moments later the plane landed on Koh Samui, and one person’s tropical paradise became another person’s nightmare: I was stuck without a place to stay on an island where I’d rather not be.

I ended up staying two days on Koh Samui before heading back to Bangkok. The limo driver who brought Faith to her resort up the beach took pity on me and, with the help of his sister-in-law the travel agent, found me a rattan shack near the beach that I could afford. The two German men next to me hosted different prostitutes each night, and in case you’re wondering, rattan does not afford much privacy.

The other wildlife gave me a hard time as well. One night a hefty gecko clung impassively to the wall. I planned to smash it to death with the heel of my shoe before I realized that, unlike your typical housefly, it might put up more of a struggle. And then there were the stray dogs, packs of them, following me around and nipping at my ankles, like the kids in school who seemed friendly but you weren’t quite sure.

And, of course, I did time on the beach, doing nothing. It wasn’t as hideously boring as I’d imagined it would be. I left two days later, burned to a deep crisp. And I haven’t spoken to Faith since.

– Margaret Weigel

Stranded!

In Mondo Weirdo, Wanderlust readers describe their most memorable adventures -- and misadventures. This week's featured subjects: Readers describe their adventures getting stranded on the Thai isle of Koh Samui and in the wastes of western China.

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Cindy Morrison was a bald schoolteacher from Philadelphia who had spent the past eight months in a Burmese monastery, vigorously studying to be a Buddhist nun. My wife, Teresa, and I met Cindy on Koh Samui, an idyllic island located 56 miles off the coast of Thailand. The three of us were having dinner in an open-air, thatch-roofed restaurant one tropical evening in 1986. Incoming waves were lapping deserted beaches as Cindy was calmly (oh, so calmly) telling us how she had lost her passport that morning. Losing this crucial item of international travel can mean excessive government paperwork and extended time in a country that’s never heard of boneless chicken. Yet Cindy was facing this political crisis with peaceful resignation.

I was incredulous. It was fine and admirable for the Dalai Lama to possess a tranquil demeanor, but not a fellow American. The institute of stress, as far as I was concerned, was right up there with baseball, apple pie and other star-spangled icons.

And your passport? I asked. Cindy smiled back at me, took another bite of her combustible Thai meal, chewed and swallowed.

“I went through my luggage for the fifth time and found it,” she said.

The next mouthful of tom yum gai struggled down my esophagus.

I glanced at my watch and noticed it was 6:30 p.m. This was bad news because the song taos, pickup trucks with wooden benches for passengers in the back, had stopped running. These vehicles were the only public transportation system on Koh Samui. We were stranded.

I anticipated many hours of heavy hoofing before we would make it back to our thatched hut, assuming we knew which dirt roads to take.

The Buddhist monk from Pennsylvania assured us with her predictable composure that we’d make it home. I informed her that it was quickly getting dark, we did not have a flashlight and my AAA maps were not with me.

The owner of the restaurant, although he could not transport us home, loaned us his flashlight. “Be careful,” he said. “Tourists are mugged on this island, and usually threatened with machetes to help them empty their pockets faster.”

We headed down to the beach and started walking parallel with the coastline. Wishful thinking claimed that we would eventually reach our beach-front huts. However, with Koh Samui’s dimensions topping out at 90 square miles, a full evening of lower body aerobics was ahead of us. We picked up coconuts to serve as projectiles in case of an invasion by machete-wielding robbers. In the meantime, I tried to let the night soothe me with its bright stars and luminescent ocean waves.

After walking in the sand for an hour, our legs began to tire. The coconuts had become so exhausting to carry that I figured if we saw a robber, we could easily pummel ourselves into unconsciousness before he reached us. Cindy was the epitome of serenity.

“We’ll get home,” she said as she purposely dropped her coconut. Damn her.

In time, dark, deserted beaches replaced the occasional bungalow. While Teresa picked up a fresh coconut, I wondered if there was an American consulate nearby.

Farther up the beach we noticed the glow of a lantern light emanating from the open door and windows of a lone dwelling.

“That may be the robbers’ hideout. I’m holding on to my coconut,” said Teresa.

We stood on the threshold with the biggest grins on our faces and looked at the half-dozen smiles of a local Thai family. Luckily, a young man of about 30 spoke some English. We explained our predicament and asked if they had a car. He nodded and, with the look of an individual who knew what organ he had us by, said, “My father take you back to camp for 100 baht (about $4).” We accepted.

A wizened old man in his 70s staggered to his feet and motioned us to the back door. The car must be back there, I thought. I could see Teresa’s white knuckles clinging to her coconut. And, for the first time, Cindy’s expression was not peaceful. We followed our guide down a dirt road that went through groves of palm trees. After about 10 minutes of walking through this scenery, we began to question the wisdom of this tour. Where was the car? Suddenly, the unthinkable happened.

“All right, this is enough!” yelled Cindy. “Where is this son of a bitch taking us!”

The old man turned around at this outburst, smiled, turned back and kept walking. We had no choice but to follow.

After about 10 minutes, we reached the conclusion that although there was a car in Grandpa’s family, we would not be riding in it that evening. We decided to trust our guide as he led us, by foot, down various dirt roads. He never wavered from his pace, except for a couple of times when he stopped to whiz.

For the next three hours a lady with a coconut, her husband, a grumpy Buddhist nun and a septuagenarian kicked up dust. We had no idea how far we had walked, but at the end of our trek we reached camp. We gave our helmsman his money and said, “Thank you” in Burmese, French and English. If it hadn’t been for the old guy we might still be carrying coconuts.

– Joe Tortomasi

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Abandoned by bus in China

“Not a guardrail in sight.” Those five words kept dancing through my feverish brain as we skirted the eastern edge of the Tibetan plateau in a late-model Soviet-issue monster bus. I was reeling from the effects of intestinal collapse, the driver’s wife was pounding the engine with a ball-peen hammer and my companions were wedged among Muslim nomads, World War II rifles, small animals and stray cabbage.

As we rounded another blind, hairpin turn, the bus clipped a small boulder, jarring the passengers and sending the barrel of a loaded rifle into the back of my girlfriend’s head.

Two hours into the journey, the driver stopped abruptly at a dusty fork and demanded that we disembark. This was the end of his commercial leg. The remaining passengers were either friends or family and the driver wanted to continue north to his home in the mountains. We had no choice but to get off and wait for a ride in the middle of western China’s barren grasslands — an expanse more reputed for its renegades and wayfarers than its rest stops and bus depots.

After being stranded for a long time, we ultimately had to negotiate a ride with a vanload of bandits who subsequently ditched us in a frontier town after trying to extort money.

There’s nothing like bus travel in China to get the adrenaline going!

– Christian McIntosh

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This week in travel

Wanderlust's select guide to the top travel-related news stories from around the globe

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- – - – - – + From ABC News
Honduras’ latest growth industry is a bit “macabre,” but it might be just what the beleaguered country needs. Ever since Hurricane Mitch pounded Honduras in October, leaving around 5,660 people dead, the country has been experiencing an increase in visitors. While the notion of foreigners flocking to see areas where so many people died might be seen as sick, Honduras’ tourism minister, Norman Garcia, sees it differently. “Honduras could benefit widely from this ‘macabre tourism,’” he said. “And that is why we have already started to design plans so that foreigners who want to come could visit and help us with reconstruction.”

- – - – - – + From the International Herald Tribune
It may soon no longer be necessary to have German blood to become a German citizen. Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder’s government is planning to push through a bill altering a 1913 law that requires Aryan blood for citizenship. The new law, which will be brought up in parliament later this year, will grant German status automatically to people born in the country, and the possibility of naturalization to others after eight years of residence. The Christian Democratic Union opposes the new bill, which will affect mainly Turks who have been living in Germany for years.

- – - – - – + From CNN
In a move that may signal tough times ahead for travel agents, Delta Air Lines has decided to start charging a $2 fee with every ticket not purchased through its Web site. The surcharge incensed members of the American Society of Travel Agents. “Delta is saying, in effect, we tried to get you to book on the Internet and now we are going to make it hurt to book any other way,” says Joe Galloway, the society’s president. “Instead of offering an inducement, they are slapping on a penalty.” Delta had no comment.

- – - – - – + From MSNBC
They thought they could get away with it. Some would sneak out in the wee hours of the morning and light up; others would discreetly do it in the privacy of their own cabins. In total, nine passengers were kicked off Carnival Cruise Line’s MS Paradise in the last month for blowing smoke in the face of its no-cigarette policy. Since the incidents, Carnival has upped the ante on defiance: As of Sunday, if caught, passengers will be charged $250.

- – - – - – + From the Times of London
In Milan, there has been a surge in violence in the last week and a half, leaving nine people dead. The deaths have shaken up residents in the northern Italian city, who have always prided themselves on the differences between themselves and residents in the mob-infested south. Since some of those deaths allegedly involved immigrants and mafiosi from Albania and Croatia, police are pointing to the recent influx of foreign criminals — who are apparently joining the Mafia gangs from the south — as the blame.

- – - – - – + From the South China Morning Post
The Cambodian government has decided to end international flights to Angkor Wat. Ever since a route between Bangkok and Siem Reap, where Angkor Wat is located, was opened a year ago, Cambodian officials say Phnom Penh — where Angkor-bound travelers used to fly into — has experienced a 30 percent drop in business. Cambodian officials will halt the flights, on Malaysian-owned Royal Air Cambodge and Thai-based Bangkok Airways, later this year. As a result, some say Cambodia’s relations with neighboring Thailand and Malaysia may become strained.

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Don't get off the elephant!

Exploring the hill tribes and opium fields of northern Thailand on foot sounded like a great adventure. It wasn't.

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the idea had been, at the outset, to ride elephants around northern Thailand. Take in some temples. Visit a few villages. Dip a toe into the hilly jungle. Do, in other words, the tourist’s Thailand. But somehow, after a day in Chiang Mai, the plan changed. That smart, civilized and sober concept was lost in the tropical heat, humidity and licentiousness — and what emerged instead was hard to define. We would do something that tourists don’t do. Our Golden Triangle, we decided, would be the real Golden Triangle. Elephants. Hill tribes. Guns. Opium. Rice paddies. And jungle.
From air-conditioned hotel rooms in Chiang Mai it seemed like a good idea.

Chiang Mai, a city of 156,000 in Northern Thailand, is where MTV stops. MTV Asia blares in Hong Kong high-rises and Bangkok brothels, in Kuala Lumpur discos and Macau casinos, but Chiang Mai is beyond the reach of the Asianet satellite that broadcasts MTV. And when MTV Asia — Japanese idol singers, Indian heavy metal bands, Kylie Minogue and all — isn’t on the tube, you really feel remote. (There is something reassuring about a VJ, any VJ, even if he speaks half in Chinese and his name is Woo.) Where MTV ends, the Golden Triangle begins.

it was the introduction of the opium poppy for cultivation by British and French merchants in the mid-19th century that changed Chiang Mai from a prosperous center for Theravada Buddhism to the booming economic heart of northern Thailand. Before 1800, opium smoking in Burma, Laos and Thailand, the three countries whose border regions make up the Golden Triangle, had been virtually unheard of. By 1930 there were 6,441 government-regulated opium dens. The Kingdom of Siam, Thailand’s predecessor state, earned 14 percent of its tax revenues through its 972 licensed opium dens. While Chiang Mai had once been a center for pottery, weaving, silver work and woodcarving, it now became the destination point for hundreds of mule caravans hauling the bulk of the Golden Triangle’s annual production of 3,000 tons of opium.
As demand for refined opium products like heroin and morphine has increased in Asia and the West, the economics of the Golden Triangle, which produces 73 percent of the world’s opium, have become ever more intertwined with the poppy plant. A succession of local warlords, some with CIA backing because of their staunch anti-communist stances, have ruled the region and fought for control of its rich harvest. Thai generals, Shan rebels, communist guerrillas and exiled Kuomintang (Nationalist Chinese) commanders have all, at one time, sought and controlled a large piece of the opium action. The business of opium is so immense — heroin generates $2 million a day on the streets of New York alone — that its windfall has financed wars and toppled governments. (In 1990 the United States government indicted Shan rebel leader, opium warlord and Chiang Mai local Khun Sa as an international drug trafficker, labeling him “the self-proclaimed king of opium.”) Alfred W. McCoy wrote in “The Politics of Heroin”: “This illicit traffic allows opium and heroin traders at all levels enormous incomes that they can use to purchase enough protection to survive any attempt at suppression.”

“If you go up there it will become clear,” a junior officer in the Thai military explained to David, my photographer traveling companion, and me, pointing to the verdant mountain ranges that loom above Chiang Mai. “Generals and governments come and go; opium is the real king of these hills.”
So our idea was to go into the hills. Sure, we would ride elephants and gaze at ruins, but what we were looking for was something else. I hate saying it because it sounds so stupid now, but we wanted adventure.
We hired two Karen tribesmen as guides. We bought hiking boots. We took malaria pills. We innovated ways to lighten our packs. We consulted maps. We planned a six-day route up through Mae Hong Sa and down along the Burmese border and then back into civilization.
We should have listened to the sunburned, brain-dead, weed-thin American in the lobby of the Chiang Mai Orchid Hotel who had been in the jungle outside Chiang Mai for six months and had come to town for some air-conditioning. Upon hearing of our plan, he asked, “What kind of idiots would want to do something like that?”


From the godlike perspective of looking down on a topographical map, a 2,000-foot hill looks manageable. The green that indicates higher ground seems invitingly lush after all the white and brown that indicate the lower elevations. In reality, when you are humping up it on a mud trail with no switchbacks, a 2,000-foot hill is a monster of a mountain, slick, unforgiving and treacherous. Many of Thailand’s northern mountains — they are mountains, despite what the guidebooks and locals say — don’t have well-beaten, clearly marked tracks. Instead, you have to claw your way up pig runs or seldom-used paths through thick undergrowth teeming with leaches and ticks. It’s bad jungle, with the climate changing every 30 minutes from pelting rain to blistering sun and the mud making for unsure footing.
Within six hours of being dropped off by a jeep at the end of the loneliest dirt road I’ve ever seen, we were enmeshed in the lush green vegetation, banana stalks, giant bamboo, royal palms and thorny licorice. We hadn’t known it would be like this. We hadn’t considered that with steep mountains and quintuple-canopy jungle in a dozen shades of green and rainbowed crystal waterfalls came exhaustion and thirst and confusion and wishing to hell we had stuck to the original plan. The simple plan. The tourist’s plan. There were nice, organized, enjoyable treks for tourists where one can ride elephants, stay in clean villages, do a little rafting. Who were we to buck the system?
All the estimates we, and our Karen guides Perm and Sarbom, had made back in our Chiang Mai hotel rooms of the time it would take between villages were wrong. For example, we had estimated four hours between Sadaeng and Mae Dat La. It took closer to seven. And that was seven bad hours of going up and down mountains, slogging up waist-deep rivers and tip-toeing to keep our balance along the muddy edges of rice paddies. The Karen tribesmen maybe could have done it in four. Maybe. We had our doubts.
“I thought there was a trail,” David shouted as we waited for Sarbom to hack through thick brush with his machete. “There’s supposed to be a fucking trail.”
“This is a trail,” Perm explained (Sarbom didn’t speak English), “a not-used-much trail.”


It’s the downhills that kill. Uphill was horrible, but downhill in the mud and mossy rocks was deadly. And by the second day, I felt like my knees were running out of cartilage, that nothing was cushioning the impact of bone against bone and each downhill step was somehow degenerative or permanently debilitating. I was being punished for the aplomb of walking into the jungle and just assuming everything would be all right. And while we were fatigued, our native guides were still going strong and carrying all our luggage. (We would hire, over the course of the trek, four porters, a pony, elephants and a Lisu opium trader named Sook.)
It was midway through the third day when, as David was verging on heat stroke and my right knee simply stopped working and poisonous blue snakes made their first appearance on the trail (they liked the rain) and it was getting dark fast and we were still hours away from the nearest village and even Perm, our guide who had taken on a sort of Daniel Boone-meets-Bruce Lee heroic quality in our eyes, said that finding the way in the dark would be impossible, that it dawned on us that maybe we were in serious trouble, that maybe we had made a terrible mistake, the kind of mistake people die from. And if something were to happen to us, who would ever know? A few Hmong tribesmen on their way out to hunt? A couple of Lisu merchants? A Chinese opium buyer making his rounds? There were no roads. No planes in the sky to spot us. We would simply vanish. Fallen off a cliff. Bit by a snake. Shot by a drunk tribesman. There were so many ways.
“This is bad,” we were mumbling as we descended another killer downhill. “This is so, so bad.”
And we were out of water.


We made Nao Lao Dum, a Lisu village somewhere along the Burmese border, as the sun shot orange and blue streaks through nimbus clouds in a dramatic last stand before surrendering behind a craggy mountain. Sai Pu Dong, the village headman, was between 25 and 60. It was impossible to narrow his age any more based on looks alone. His face was mottled and scarred, but his arms and legs remained sinewy and tight-skinned. When he smiled, he flashed teeth bright red from betel nut chewing.
Naked children stared at us as we staggered in after climbing the terraced rice paddy, they mobbed us as we wended up the trail into the village, and as the headman greeted us the crowd of children and women swelled to about 50, all just drop-jawed staring at the spectacle that had wandered into their village.
There were no roads to Nao Lao Dum, only footpaths so narrow that if you didn’t know they were there you would miss them. Where there are no roads there are no police and no schools and no bureaucracy and no missionaries. No law. And certainly no toilets. Call me a wuss, but it’s hard taking a crap when 30 kids are giggling watching you squat. And it’s not that you’re crapping that’s so funny, it’s you, just being foreign and wearing sunglasses or a red shirt. Utterly shocking. It wouldn’t matter to them if you were taking a crap or assembling Stinger missiles, it’s you they’re fascinated by.
Headman’s elephant grass hut wobbled precariously on stilts. Wide gaps had been intentionally left between floorboards so any grain of rice that didn’t end up in your mouth fell through the floor to the ground below for the pigs, chickens and cows who made an awful racket down there jockeying for scraps.
A crowd of men were gathered around a cooking fire in Headman’s hut. The women and children skulked at the periphery of the orange glow, their shadowy features catching the flickering light for a moment and then vanishing as the flames shifted in the draft. The place was better in the dark. You couldn’t see all the cow turds and pig shit and fleas and garbage. You couldn’t see what was floating around in your water, even after it was boiled.
“When was the last time you had foreigners here?” I asked.
“Two opium harvests ago.” Headman answered as one of his wives spooned something into a bowl for me. “Eat.”
It would have been rude to refuse. “What is it?”
“Pork,” I was told.
The Lisu men were digging in.
“It’s cooked?” I asked.
Headman nodded.
I took a bite, chewed and swallowed. It was fatty and cold.
“After we cook it,” Headman explained to me through Perm, “we soak the meat in the raw blood and guts for flavor.”


Opium was the opiate of the masses. Opium served the same purpose for the hill tribes as the cocktail after work does for Manhattan’s work force. No matter how poor the village, no matter how destitute the inhabitants, every male over the age of 18 owned a well-crafted glass-bowled opium pipe, a gas or oil lamp for heating opium, crushed aspirin for mixing with opium to eliminate headaches, several thin steel sticks and pokers for heating the opium and reaming the pipes, a small pillow or smooth bench for laying his head upon and, probably, some opium. Even if the kids were naked and they ate rice mixed with barley for dinner, dad had an opium pipe. Even if they couldn’t afford a candle to light their hut, dad had an oil lamp for heating his opium.
After the cooking, eating and cleaning, the men broke out their pipes and went to work with their oil lamps heating the opium and mixing it with aspirin powder. (Aspirin powder was the only Western medicine they had and it never occurred to them to use it for anything besides cutting opium.) Once the paste was heated and mixed it was rolled between the palms into cylinders and then broken off piece by piece to smoke. The reason one must lie down to smoke — and hence the evolution of the opium den — is that it takes one hand to hold the opium, and one to direct the foot-long pipe so that the opium is close to the flame but not directly burned by it. Unless your head is down near the ground, you can’t see how close the flame is to the pipe.
It takes five pipes to get high. Seven to begin to drift away. And between 10 and 20 and you don’t feel any more of your pain. Your knees feel strong. Your stomach cramps are suddenly gone. And you’re not hungry anymore. The hill tribes smoke it because it is the best thing they have in otherwise tough, hardscrabble lives. Take opium away and replace it with what? Corn? That’s what the Thai government tried to do. Once you’re up in these hills you see why that will never work. Corn, as useful as it is for making whiskey, doesn’t get one away from it all for a few hours.
The dozens of children gazing at us, the mangy dog next to me scratching violently, the fleas biting me, the leach stings, the raw pork, the dirty water, suddenly it was all tolerable and didn’t seem so horrible. But then nothing seems horrible when you’re on the pipe and that’s why opium will always be king of these hills.


We were five now — David the photographer, Perm, Sarbom, Sook the opium merchant and me, plus a pony we had bought for 8,000 baht ($160) from a Lisu tribeswoman. But the gray pony, once we loaded our gear in baskets and slung the baskets on his back, proved to be slower than we had thought. Still, it was good not carrying anything — not that David and I were carrying anything, anyway; we had long ago given our packs to Perm, Sarbom and Sook. Sook was 4-foot-10, weighed about 115 pounds and had small, cruel features and an expression that conveyed total indifference, to you, to his own well-being, to the world. He was a certified opium addict who broke the rule of drug dealers the world over: He got high off his own supply. It took Sook 35 pipes to catch a buzz. He smoked three times day, including first thing in the morning. And after he smoked he could carry a 50-pound backpack through 10 miles of bad jungle and not feel a thing. He was ageless, his growth stunted from opium and his expression childlike in its emptiness. But he had a never-ending supply of opium, so wherever we brought him we were warmly welcomed by the locals; he was a good guy to have around.
We marched knee-deep up a rocky stream, Sarbom behind us keeping the pony walking by shooting rocks at its ass with a slingshot. (Slingshots are immensely popular in these mountains. It is the child’s first toy.) Perm led us out of the stream and up another muddy trail that offered about as much traction as a hill of frozen yogurt. As we climbed, the familiar noises of Sarbom’s snapping slingshot, the flustering of the pony, the bird calls and the gibbon shrieks were suddenly interrupted by a sharp cracking sound and then a rapid succession of breaks and whizzes in nearby bushes.
The smell of smoke.
Perm, Sarbom and Sook dropped to the ground. David and I stood and stared at each other for a moment before realizing what was happening. We were being shot at. We hit the mud. I hurriedly unbuttoned my pants and pissed while lying in the mud.
Perm shouted something in Karen.
A child’s voice answered. We were being shot at by children.
There followed a long exchange during which we assured the children firing at us at that we were not interested in stealing their prized bulls or confiscating their opium. And nor were we Nationalist Chinese (KMT) troops looking to extort opium. The KMT had been through here recently and had forced the villagers to give up the bulk of their opium and a few ponies. These KMT units were relics of Chiang Kai Shek’s defeated 3rd and 5th Nationalist Armies, which had crossed in 1949 from China’s Yunan province into Burma and then kept moving south to northern Thailand, where, with the tacit cooperation of the Thai government and weapons from Taiwan and the United States, they had established fully militarized bases. The KMT these days was nothing like the efficient heroin-exporting machine it had been in the 1960s, when thousand-mule caravans guarded by hundreds of armed troops plied these mountains, but they were still a considerable, well-armed and dangerous presence. With their American-made M-14s and AR-16s — compared to the local tribes’ cheap Chinese imitations of 19th century British muskets — the KMT were still among the top opium buyers and refiners.
“We are tourists,” we assured them. If only that were true, if only we had done some sedate nature walk with a pack of healthy Germans and Swedes, a few hours of hiking, some food, plenty of water, clean villages and real trails. That would be the life. There are hundreds of companies offering that kind of safe, touristy trip, and if you’re ever in Chiang Mai and get the urge to head into the hills, do it the easy way. Don’t be stupid and get shot at.
Our attackers turned out to be one 8-year-old child with a Chinese-made musket taller than he was. He emerged from behind a thorny licorice plant onto the trail about 20 feet ahead of us, smiling widely. He wore a blue wool cap and a T-shirt on which was a tattered silk-screen of Paul Molitor, a baseball player now with the Minnesota Twins but pictured in the silk-screen with his original team, the Milwaukee Brewers.
“What the fuck is this?” I demanded of Perm as I buttoned up my pants. “Who the fuck would shoot at us?”
And then focusing my anger on Perm because he was the only guide who spoke English, “And who would take us to a place like this?”
Wide-eyed, dirty-faced Paul Molitor spoke quickly.
Perm translated: “He wasn’t trying to hit us.”
Paul Molitor spoke again.
“And he says he will take us into town and introduce us to his headman.”
“What’s the big deal about a headman?” I asked. “We’ve met plenty of headmen.”
“Special headman,” Perm assured me. “Powerful headman. Headman of all headmen.”


“Billy Bong will see you now,” a thin Karen warrior dressed in a thickly woven V-neck tunic told us. From his mouth dangled an unlit teak tobacco pipe.
We took off our shoes and climbed the ladder to the tin-roofed hut that stood a whole story higher than any other hut in the village. The hut had wooden windows. The hut had doors. The hut had separate rooms. There was an outhouse in back. This Billy Bong lived in a palace.
All the windows of the innermost chamber were shuttered and the only light in the room emanated from two candles stuck to empty condensed milk cans. Billy Bong was little more than skin and bones beneath an orange, flowing, V-neck tunic and trousers. He lay with his eyes closed and his head resting on a shiny black stone slab. His opium pipe lay on a small, gray and black carpet before him. He opened his eyes as we entered. His high cheek bones, drawn skin and strong jaw gave him a dissipated look. He did not look cruel but rather exhausted. He smiled. He said something to Paul Molitor, who had entered ahead of them, and Paul Molitor spoke rapidly back.
“Why don’t you go home?” Billy Bong said, looking at our eyes.
“We want to,” I said. “As soon as possible, as soon as we can get out, to a road or something, somewhere where we can be picked up.”
“There is a village one day from here, through the village runs a river, down the river there is a road. There are jeeps there.”
“Then that’s where we want to go.”
He began heating opium on the oil lamp. “The village is five mountains away.”
We sighed.
“But I can get you there in five hours. No walking.”
“How?”
Then we heard an animal call like a distorted, amplified amateur trumpet blast and turned and beheld through the doorway an armed Karen warrior seated atop the immense, dinosaurlike head of a five-ton cow elephant. Behind her were five more elephants, standing in a broken line along a trail up the hill from Billy Bong’s hut.
“My elephants will take you,” said Billy Bong as he lit his pipe.
Billy Bong, Headman among Headmen of the Black Karen, was the supreme tribal leader in these parts. Billy Bong (his real name was Ba Pu Long, but he insisted Westerners call him Billy Bong) had five wives and 22 children whose names ranged from Ee Pa (literal translation: First Girl) to Ee Pa Pa (twenty-second girl). As Supreme Headman he was in charge of the local opium production, and of keeping KMT and Shan hands off of that opium, and Billy Bong wanted to expand.
“No more Khun Sa,” Billy Bong said of the indicted warlord. “No more KMT. The Karen people must take charge of their own opium. Karen people will rule these hills. Tell them that where you are from.”


We climbed onto Billy Bong’s elephants from the deck of his hut, stepping between the elephant’s eyes and then sitting cautiously on the wooden benches strapped to the elephant’s backs. Billy Bong had informed us he always traveled by elephant, and it is a magnificent way to travel. Elephants are sure-footed, steady if a bit stubborn, and capable of climbing steeper hills than ponies. (We gave Billy Bong our pony in gratitude.) The only things to watch out for are branches and the occasional showers of dirt elephants throw over their shoulders. Their guides keep them moving with slingshots and monosyllabic commands. (Elephants will only listen to one master at a time. When an elephant is sold — in these mountains the price is between 200,000 and 400,000 baht, or $8,000 to $16,000 — the new master must spend a month together with the former master handling the elephant before the elephant will listen to the new owner’s commands.) They are smart, temperamental animals who spend 20 hours a day eating. And they were our saviors.
We got out. On the back of the elephants who took us over the mountains, the ride a relief for sore legs and battered egos. Riding on their backs above the jungle, so that our heads scraped the bottom of the canopy, made the drenching rains and blistering sun seem not so bad. As they climbed up the mud tracks, their immense flat feet finding traction where there would appear to be none and their trunks rooting out bamboo from the side of the trail, as we rose higher and higher to the top of a mountain, they were taking us to heaven. This was ecstasy, to ride and not walk, to be carried and not to carry, to be above the jungle and not in it, to be safe and not threatened.
After the elephants, rafting down the Nam Mae Yuam river was easy — no walking, just poling along the bottom during slow parts and keeping balanced during rapids, but nothing as tough as those mountains. All the bad part of what we had been through began to seem not so bad as it became clearer we would make it out with only partially torn ligaments and severe dysentery and eye infections and leach scars and maybe a stomach amoeba or two, but we would make it.
Yes, it became obvious we would be OK, and that realization makes you happy when you’ve been through a rough spot. For just a moment, you are relieved. And then, instantly, your worldly concerns return. All those cares that seemed trivial as you were dehydrating in the jungle or dousing leaches with Deat or worrying about being shot, all those cares return suddenly and you think about money and cars and girlfriends and all the civilization you left behind and how you will be fine, you will go home and you will take all that up again. And you think that maybe what matters more than everything that happened out there in the jungle is keeping up on your credit card bills and changing the oil every 3,000 miles.
I don’t know. My knees are still fucked up.

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Karl Taro Greenfeld is a Knight-Bagehot Fellow at Columbia University. He is the author of "Speed Tribes" and a contributor to Vogue, Details, the New York Times Magazine, Wired and other publications. He has written for Wanderlust on Ibiza and exploring northern Thailand by foot.

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