“The Marriage Ref” is a therapist’s nightmare

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:09:00 +0000

"The Marriage Ref" made its one-hour debut on NBC last week. This latest reality show takes marriage to a new low. "Real couples" bring an issue they've been arguing about and celebrity "judges" decide which one is right.

It's like a marital boxing match without the gloves. One of the spouses is declared the winner. While the show is surprisingly witty and entertaining, I couldn't help but think of the couples I've worked with in my private therapy practice and of my own marriage.

Years ago, my husband and I went to a nationally known marital therapist. Part of my agenda in going to counseling was so my husband could find out how wrong he was and how right I was.

It didn't take long for us to get into the back and forth accusations, like a tennis match between John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors. Oh, couples love to play the blame game and it can be hard for the counselor to get a word in edgewise.

Not for our no-nonsense therapist. He gave us about 10 seconds of this fruitless power play before he stood up, looked at us and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were here for marriage counseling. I thought you were here to find out how to understand each other more, love each other deeper, and try to bring a new level of intimacy into your marriage. You don't want that, you want a referee. There are plenty of marital therapists out there who are willing to do that, but I'm certainly not one of them and I'd be happy to show you both to the door."

Ignore the haters, “The Marriage Ref” rules

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:05:00 +0000

Critics hate "The Marriage Ref" (10 p.m. Thursdays on NBC). They say it's condescending, awful, wretched, unfunny, canned, corny. Some viewers seem to agree: One tweeted during Thursday night's premiere, "Now Jerry Seinfeld has been on both the best and the worst TV shows of all time."

Are we watching the same show? Because what I'm seeing is married people bickering over something ridiculous and trivial (see also: being themselves) while celebrities crack jokes, tease each other, and reveal odd details about their personal lives (see also: being themselves for a change). What's not to love?

Let's consider the portrayals of marriage on TV available to us up until now: Angry couples about to divorce on "Dr. Phil," cutesy couples guffawing over their adorable children's goofy shenanigans with homemade explosives on sitcoms, and exhausted couples squabbling over who lost the map on "The Amazing Race." In all of these cases, you provide the commentary and the laugh track (especially on Dr. Phil).

On "The Marriage Ref," Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Ricky Gervais and Jerry Seinfeld do it for you.

Salon.com > The Marriage Ref

“The Marriage Ref” is a therapist’s nightmare

Ignore the haters, “The Marriage Ref” rules