Salon.com > Verbal Abuse

On bisexuality: An apology

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Reader,

Regarding my last two columns, this one and this one, I seem to have made an error that was offensive to many people who identify as bisexual, and I apologize. I do. I really do. I can really fall in love with my own nonsense sometimes. And to those who have written agreeing with me, I appreciate it, but I think I was wrong.

Here is the flaw in my thinking, courtesy of a kindly scholar of argument:

"Logically, your position relies on a fallacy of amphiboly that confuses two different uses of the term 'two.' Being attracted to 'two' sexes is not the same thing as wanting 'two' partners. Could a bisexual person be polyamorous? Sure. But so could a heterosexual person. You say that being lesbian means one wants to be partners with women (etc). Does that mean that being a lesbian means that one wants to be partners with ALL women? More than one woman? By extension, does being heterosexual (man wants to be partners with women) mean that a man wants to be partners with ALL women? More than one? Besides, being bisexual doesn't mean that one has 'two' attractions. It means that one’s preferences don’t necessarily depend on sex. It’s not that you want to have sex with 'both' men and women. It’s just as easily that you want to have sex with either a man or a woman."

Psychic change or con job?

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 01:00:00 +0000

Hi Cary,

I'm at a crossroads in my marriage and life and I don't know what to do. No matter how much advice I receive from my parents, friends and one counselor, and no matter how many advice books I read, I still can't seem to come to a decision that gives me peace of mind. I have been separated from my husband (I'm living in an apartment; separate bills, bank account, etc.) for going on four months. The question is whether to file for divorce or reconcile.

We have been married for eight years, together for 13. It's been a stormy relationship from the beginning. To make a very long story short, the issues have centered around his drinking, his temper and anger, his children (my stepchildren), a terminally ill parent, and the fact that over time I landed somewhere on Page 2 or 3 of his priority list.

Who’ll raise my kids if I die?

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Cary,

Here's the situation: I've been married to my husband for 13 years. All but the first year have been miserable. He never adjusted to being a father -- never understood that his needs came second. He's terrible with money (mine, his and ours) and has plunged us into debt while I was in a coma by using my credit cards and borrowing money from my elderly father, which he spent on no one knows what. He refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions (it's always "that asshole"). He won't do anything fun with our kids (two girls -- ages 9 and 12) -- he'd rather sleep on the weekends. He has serious stress/anger management issues for which he refuses to seek help; he throws things, calls us names, punches walls and we never know what will set him off. He parents sporadically if at all -- since he "doesn't understand girls." He loses his temper and verbally abuses them. "Stupid cow" and "lazy bitch" are some of the things that spring to mind.

He took a pay cut when I returned to work so he didn't have to commute -- a cut of about one-third. Despite the fact that we can barely cover our debts. In short, he acts like a 3-year-old, and adds little if anything to our lives.

My sister’s husband yells

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

My sister and her husband have just decided to get a divorce. This was not a surprise, as they have not been living together since last November, when my sister escaped their home with her 2-year-old daughter to stay with my parents. My brother-in-law had been viciously abusing her verbally for years, even before their marriage. He finally went too far, ripping into her with an especially frightening attack and then retreating to their basement, refusing to communicate with her or their daughter for three days.

Though I'd seen signs of something wrong with her and hints of anger from him, I had no idea how bad things had been. It was brutal for our family to hear all the things my sister had been enduring for the past seven years. Sometimes he would scream so loud in the car that she would fear for their baby's hearing. Another time when she was several months pregnant, he would not stop yelling at her, even though she begged him to. She dealt with his angry, controlling ways on a daily basis. Once she left him, the furious texts he sent her upset her so much that she became physically ill.

I overheard chilling abuse

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

This is a problem that is, on its face, sort of simple, but there's a great deal of context that makes it more complicated. I feel helpless.

My older brother and I are pretty close, I think. We talk on the phone two or three times a week and see each other every few weeks. Last week, we spoke while he and his wife were driving through the countryside, she at the wheel. He asked me, at one point, to hold on, and then he seemed to put the phone in his lap or something -- I could hear everything -- and what I heard was chilling. He said, quite loudly and angrily, "What the hell are you doing? This is absolutely humiliating. I am so fucking embarrassed right now. You should be ashamed of the way you're driving ..." and on, and on. I hung up because I didn't want to hear any more, and then later pretended we'd lost the connection from poor cellular coverage.

So at this point, the question I have goes something like: Do I confront him and point out that his words and tone were emotionally abusive? Should I ignore it? Should I assume it's part of a dance that they both know the steps to? That she's an adult and can take care of herself? Should I bypass him and try talking to her?