let's face it: not nearly enough has been said up to now about Dick Morris. What are our alternatives? Nobody I know knows anything about the Kurds, so there goes discussing Iraqi policy, except for the inevitable, "we shoulda gone all the way to Baghdad last time." You can't maintain serious interest in the Presidential campaign; its chief accomplishment is setting a new world record for the number of times people say the phrase "bully pulpit."

So, Dick Morris, a John who makes money off a prostitute. He's in the process of pulling off the most elaborate cushion shot in America since Minnesota Fats died. Advising the President while secretly keeping notes for a book he already has a deal for, he answers a prostitute's questions about White House matters because she's such a darn good toe sucker. She is secretly keeping notes for a newspaper sold between the double A batteries and the gum, and the report gets her two shots on "Hard Copy" and him an opportunity to renegotiate his book deal upward, while being featured two weeks in a row on the cover of a magazine sold between Newsweek and People. A famous madam resurfaces on a TV news interview to castigate the prostitute for violating hooking's code of ethics. 

This is how a post-industrial economy works. So far, Morris, the prostitute (who nourishes ambitions as a standup comic), and the news media have all come out winners. The only losers are the President of the United States, and Morris' wife. The President responds by placing condolence calls to Morris, making sure he's not so wounded that he feels the need to savage Clinton in the two-million-dollar book. The wife responds by helping to edit the book. 

But who else is secretly taking notes in this story? Does Harold Evans of Random House have notes of Morris pitching juicy tidbits, in case the book is, as Random House press releases threaten, a serious essay on governance, and tanks on delivery? Does Bill Clinton have notes proving that, contrary to the ex-consultant's version, the only Morris ideas that got approved were plans calling for Hillary's dopier hairdos? Does the prostitute have notes of Rupert Murdoch feeding her questions for Morris? Does the famous ex-madam have notes of the meetings where prostitutes vote on the code of ethics? Is Morris taking notes on all of this just to be able to renegotiate the movie deal he made during the convention?

These would all be good reasons to keep your eye on America's heartland, the area between the double A batteries and the gum.





Co-creator and co-star of "This is Spinal Tap," comedian Harry Shearer is the voice of more than a dozen characters on "The Simpsons." He has been a two-time cast member of "Saturday Night Live" and is the host of nationally syndicated weekly radio broadcast "Le Show".











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