YES, "XENA" DOES RULE And other answers to TV's FAQs By JOYCE MILLMAN it's summertime, and there's nothing to watch except reruns and the Games of the Nike/Coca-Cola/ AT&T Olympiad. At last, we have the time to answer some of the TV questions that have been piling up in the Salon mailbag. 1. Does "Xena" rule, or what? -- C. Paglia, Philadelphia Most definitely. This syndicated spinoff from Sam Raimi's "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" is the perfect antidote to "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman's" Martha-Stewart-on-the-frontier sanctimony. "Xena: Warrior Princess" is just as anachronistic as "Dr. Quinn" in its portrayal of a strong woman beset by strangely modern dilemmas, but it's infinitely hipper and funnier. "Xena" is the coolest cult fave around, as well as one of the highest-rated shows in first-run syndication. Like "Hercules," "Xena" takes the comic book tour of ancient Greece. It's a colorful hodge podge of kung fu, pro-social messages, off-the-wall modern colloquial language and, of course, Ray Harryhausen-esque titans, multi-headed snake-beasts and Cyclopses. But, let's be honest here -- nobody's watching "Xena" to brush up on their Greek mythology. Star Lucy Lawless (honest!) is a strapping, buff, black-haired Amazon poured into a leather bustier and skimpy skirt. Stalking her prey with supreme confidence, scowling under her bangs, Xena looks like one of the big-boned Petersen sisters from the Bangles. Unlike Lynda Carter, TV's "Wonder Woman," Lawless is no prissily made-up beauty queen (also, unlike Carter, her breasts and costume move in the same direction when she runs). Xena is terrifically surly, and you can't blame her. Her whole village was destroyed by marauders, her brother was killed, she doesn't know who her father is and her barmaid mother doesn't approve of Xena's career path. Xena is as misunderstood a bad girl as Catwoman or Madonna (who must look at Xena's breastplate costume and biceps and drool). Xena used to fight and kill out of anger over her brother's death, but ever since her tryst with that happy-go-lucky dude Herc, she's been trying to use her fighting skills for the good of mankind. And, man, can she fight! Xena has more martial arts moves in her arsenal than Jackie Chan, and when those don't work she's got her trusty spear, whip and "round killing thing," a razor-sharp discus-like object. Never has a superheroine been allowed to display such enjoyment of the fight -- when she somersaults and kicks her way into battle, Xena ululates like a Middle Eastern woman and she's got a hang time of, like, hours. Along for the ride is Xena's sidekick, Gabrielle (Renee O'Connor), a young virginal bard seeking excitement. The two have a prickly relationship with single mother/teenage daughter overtones. But let's not put too fine a point on the subtext. The glory of "Xena" is that she can kick the crap out of anybody -- guy, god, goddess, snake-headed monster, whatever. So, yes, "Xena" does rule. 2. Speaking of big-boned women with attitude, what's the deal with CNN's Lynne Russell? --Rosie O., New York Russell, an anchor on CNN's "Headline News," has an utterly unique look and presence for a TV newswoman. In a field of all-American Debbie Reynolds-types, Russell is Joan Crawford. She fills the screen with her shoulder-padded presence. She uses makeup as artfully as a Hollywood movie star of yore -- or a Kabuki performer. Her hairstyles are big and fussy and change capriciously every couple of months. She elevates false eyelashes into an art form (for a while last year she sported a pair of spidery lower lashes to rival Alice Cooper's). Her dark, manicured eyebrows are mobile arches of silent editorial commentary. She has a habit of pursing her lips like she's smooshing lipstick, then smiling radiantly into the camera when she's going to a commmercial break. She seems perpetually capable of breaking into a scene from "Sunset Boulevard." What makes Russell behave this way? If I had to guess, I'd say boredom. Her CNN bio claims she's a first-degree black belt in Choi Kwang-Do and a licensed private detective. This is clearly a woman who wants to be noticed. Maybe there's a role for her on "Xena." 3. Could "Melrose Place" possibly get any worse? -- A Concerned Fan Five words: Coming next season -- Greg Evigan. 4. Are Stone Phillips and John Tesh the same person? -- fmulder@FBI.com No, but it's a common misperception, owing to the fact that they both have enormous anchorman-caricature heads. Phillips, the co-anchor of "Dateline NBC," is the one who does not moonlight as a New Age jazz schlockmeister. Tesh is the one who recently left "Entertainment Tonight" to concentrate on his career as a New Age jazz schlockmeister (and part- time NBC Sports fluffguy). However, even though Phillips and Tesh are not the same person, their DNA is compatible enough to have been mingled in the infotainment anchor cloning project which resulted in E! Entertainment News host Steve Kmetko. 5. Who's crazier -- Letterman or Leno? -- Conan, New York It's a toss-up. Letterman is a self-proclaimed depressed workaholic with a severe inferiority complex. From his frequent speeding tickets, one might be tempted to infer that he is also self-destructive. His problems with sexually aggressive female guests are well-documented. But, most tellingly, he actually thinks that Manny the Hippie is funny. As for Leno, his apparent lack of a personal life is disturbing, as is his obviously desperate need for approval. He could be developing job-related paranoia as well, judging from his decision to forego a paid two-week vacation in order to do a nightly six-minute monologue leading into NBC's late night Olympics coverage. But, most tellingly, he actually thinks Iron Jay is funny. 6. Do you think "ER" will be less popular this season, so that maybe the ratings will start to go down and some of the actors in the show who have offers to do big Hollywood movies will be able to break their contracts with NBC without getting into too much legal trouble? -- George (no last name given), Los Angeles No. 7. I'm disappointed in the lack of old-fashioned, conservative, Christian-values-oriented, Sunday-school-homily-laden children's programming on PBS. "Barney" is just too worldly for my family! Don't those public broadcasting liberals know that Newt can still zero them out if he wants to? -- Mrs. A. Huffington, Santa Barbara Good news! This fall, PBS is going to be airing the animated kids' series "Adventures from the 'Book of Virtues'," based on the bestseller by Puritan busybody/tool of the Christian right William Bennett. Tell the kids! It's going to be as much fun as Bible Camp! 8. Can you think of a cuter use of phallic imagery than those sneaker commercials with basketball star Penny Hardaway and his tiny, talking mannequin companion, "Little Penny"? -- Tipper G., Washington, D.C. Yep! Little Penny -- and remember what part of his body the King of Rock and Roll named "Little Elvis" -- withers in comparison to B1 and B2, the stars of the syndicated kids' show "Bananas in Pajamas." B1 and B2 are twin yellow bananas (well, really, actors encased in banana costumes) who run around with their bananaheads poking up out of the collars of their striped jammies. They've got these brown stems on top of their pointy bananaheads that look just like the reservoirs at the tips of condoms. Look, I don't want to sound like the Church Lady imagining sexual innuendo in something as perfectly innocent as this nice Australian Broadcasting import that teaches pre-schoolers about friendship and feelings and stuff. But look at these guys and what do you see? Bananas in Pajamas: That's Australian for morning erections, mates. 9. I can't wait for "The Book of Virtues!" But isn't there a Christian cable network where I can see some peachy-keen family programming in the meantime? -- N. Flanders, Springfield Yes indeedly-do! Every night at 11, right after Pat Robertson's "700 Club," The Family Channel shows an hour of classic Three Stooges film shorts. And this is the good stuff too -- mostly Curlys and Shemps, not too many lousy Joes and Curly Joes. Praise the Lord, and nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! 10. This season's combined prime-time Nielsen ratings for the four major broadcast networks were lower than they were in years. I bet this means there's been a surge in reading group memberships and that libraries are staying open late and people are going out for a jog or stargazing after dinner instead of plopping down to watch TV all night, right? How else do you explain where the networks' viewers went? -- CEO@NBC.com See answer 1.