![[Her poop was beaten gold]](poop.gif)
By RICHARD LEDERER
A high school student learned from his teacher that the Stratford town registry did not list the exact day on which William Shakespeare was born. The young scholar wrote, "Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday."
On April 23, we mark both the traditional birthday and the deathday of William Shakespeare. Because Shakespeare's works have been widely read in schools for centuries, many generations of students in their essays have gone from bard to verse. The following essay is composed entirely of uncut and unpolished student gems:
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William J. Shakespeare. His father was Mr. Shakespeare, and his mother was Mrs. Shakespeare. He wrote during the era in which he lived. Actually, Shakespeare wasn't written by Shakespeare but by another man named Shakespeare.
Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays and sonics. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing hysterectomies, tragedies, comedies and errors. I don't see why he is so popular when is writing skills are so low. He wrote in Islamic pentameter, and you can't hardly understand what he is saying.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. A soliloquy is a conversation between one person. Hamlet has an edible complex, and his mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother.
Oedipus and Hamlet really had a lot in common, even if Freud had not yet been invented.
Hamlet decides to act madly so he gets in an antic position. In Act Five Hamlet talks to Horatio about a skull that has been thrown up. Act Five comes right after Act Four.
In another play, Macbeth was from his mother's womb untamely ripped. He is a brave and strong man who turns bad and gradually gets worse.
King Duncan wires Macbeth that he will be spending the night at his castle. Then Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill King Duncan by attacking his manhood. All Macbeth does is follow his wife's odors. He kills the king on page 14. Macbeth and Lady Macbeth then suffer from quilt. In fact, they have so much quilt, they can't sleep at night.
During the banquet scene, Lady Macbeth is afraid her husband will expose himself in front of his guests. Then Lady Macbeth gets kilt. The proof that the witches in Macbeth were supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. This story presents a one on one situation between a man and a woman. Romeo and Juliet belonged to the families of the Montages and Copulates. They tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene. After much fighting in the pubic square, Romeo's last wish is to be laid by Juliet.
In "Julius Caesar," Brutus is a tragic hero despite dying at the end. Caesar is murdered by the Ides of March because they think he is going to be made king. Dying, he gasps out the words "Tee hee, Brutus." Then he dies with these immortal words: "Veni, vedi, vici."
In "The Merchant of Venice," the Rialto is the business part of Venus. Bassanio loved Portia, but he had no money to press his suit. "Taming of the Screw" is a play about Petruchio, who takes Kate from a bitter screw to an obedient wife. The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown. In "Anthony and Cleopatra," Cleopatra reclined to become Mark Anthony's mistress. She took the Roman Empire one man at a time. The barge she shat on, like a burnished throne, glowed on the water. The poop was beaten gold.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
Here's a Shakespearean quiz. Unscramble the anagrams to reveal the names of five of the Bard's famous characters. Example: Fat Laffs = Falstaff.
The winner of the sports-teams kangaroo words was Ben Bass. The winner of the original-kangaroo words challenge was P.C. Swanson.
Language expert Richard Lederer's latest book is "The Write Way: A Guide to Real-life Writing." He is also the author of such best-selling books as "Anguished English," "Crazy English," "The Miracle of Language" and "Literary Trivia." Richard comments on language for National Public Radio and other radio stations and is the Grammar Grappler for Writer's Digest. In his spare time, Richard makes approximately 200 speaking appearances a year, addressing fundraisers, corporations, academic groups and library associations. He can be reached at rlederer@tiac.net.