What difference does the sequence of information make? Depends on who you ask — John Cage or Noam Chomsky. In this Challenge we asked readers to press their “shuffle play” buttons and rearrange familiar quotations to produce new meanings. The pudding in the proof is!
THE WINNER
You want what you can’t always get.
(You can’t always get what you want.)
— Greg Wehmeyer
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Vidi, vici, veni –
I saw, I conquered, I came.
(Veni, vidi, vici.)
— Arjen Kamphuis
Deep beauty is only skin.
(Beauty is only skin deep.)
— Doug Gordon
“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”
(“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.” — George W. Bush, CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000)
— Dave Romm
Something that he disagreed with ate him.
(He ate something that disagreed with him.)
— David Bedno
And give a fish a man for to teach, and fish eats — eats a man a day for a lifetime! He-he!
(Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.)
— Keith Ammann
“For the American people, I need to have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. To lie back and go to work. A single time — not! I never told anybody these allegations are false, never! I did not!”
(“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time — never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people.” — President Clinton, Jan. 26, 1998)
— Mark F. Schwartz
Seldom free or thoughtful, thought is free.
(Free thought is seldom free, or thoughtful.)
— D. Dwayne Edwards
Is truth something, a feeling that nothing is true?
(Truth is nothing but a feeling that something is true.)
— Amy Scheck
Crying milk spilled over no use.
(No use crying over spilled milk.)
— Judy Richardson
Never having to say “love” means you’re sorry.
(Love means never having to say you’re sorry.)
— Randall Braaksma
I sees ‘em as I calls ‘em.
(I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.)
— Stuart Thiel
To the good men, “Come now!” For their aid is to party all of the time.
(Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.)
— Christopher J. Lackner
To mind a terrible thing is a waste.
(A mind is a terrible thing to waste.)
— Maureen Cozine
Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in the new year!
Let us now praise the genius who invented the random or “shuffle play” button on the CD player. Beethoven may be rolling around in his grave when you play the movements of the “Eroica” out of order; but, hello! a new musical possibility has been unleashed.
If it can be so for music, why not for words?
Readers are invited to submit up to three familiar sentences, with word order scrambled so that the original meaning is subtly or radically altered. Include the original text below your alteration.
EXAMPLE
When the Romans, like, do Rome in.
(When in Rome, do like the Romans.)
RULES
Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you’re a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish, edit and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Dec. 8, 2000.
PRIZES
The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard’s book, “Bots: The Origin of New Species.”
In two weeks we’ll publish a winner and some selected entries — then start over a couple weeks after that with a whole new challenge.
We abbreviate to save time. Yet this everyday encryption also serves to obscure meaning from outsiders and eventually even from those who once knew what the terms meant. In this challenge, we asked readers to explain the hidden meaning of common three-letter acronyms (TLAs).
One self-described nit-picker reminded us that a real acronym is pronounceable as a word, like SCUBA and laser. We stand corrected, but unbowed. And perhaps one of the best entries, from Dan Norton, came in over the three-letter limit: “PCMCIA — People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.”
THE WINNER
PDA: Public Display of Affluence
— Keith Amman
HONORABLE MENTIONS
CRT: Cheap Radiation Therapy
— Mark Q. Moore
FTP: Find The Porn
— Janne More’n
JPG: Just Porn, Gentlemen
— John Cave
IPO: Idiot’s Pyrrhic Optimism
— Jeff Ryan
SUV: Suburban Uneasiness Vehicle
— Nancy Ott
PBS: PLEASE Be a Subscriber!
NPR: Not Particularly Radical
RFP: Rigged to Favor Pals
— Keith Amman
AOL: Amateurs On Line
BMW: Burn My Will
— Neal Conner
ATM: Addicted To Money
TLA: Terrible Language Additive
— David Bedno
IRC: Interrupt, Rant, Curse
— Rafe Brox
MP3: My Profits cut in 3rds
— B.J.D. Cruz
MP3: Music Pirates Please Pay
— Dharmo
VCR: Voluntary Commercial Remover
— Pat Hunt
Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in two weeks.
In a previous Challenge, we asked readers to explain the true meaning of the ubiquitous “http://www.” Memorable entries included “Hands to the Pants, Wanton Willing Women.”
In this Challenge, we turn to the Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs) that litter our increasingly technologized world. What does VCR really stand for? SUV? .jpg?
Readers are invited to submit up to three well-known TLAs — and illuminate their true meaning.
EXAMPLE
CPU: Computer Packaging, Undisposable
RULES
Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you’re a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish, edit and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Nov. 10, 2000.
PRIZES
The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard’s book, “Bots: The Origin of New Species.”
In two weeks we’ll publish a winner and some selected entries — then start over a couple weeks after that with a whole new challenge.
How do you measure up these days? Too much body fat? Sub-Mensa I.Q.? Mutual funds lagging the index? The affluent consumer is confronted with an ever-widening array of devices that measure the hitherto unmeasured. In this challenge we asked readers to invent new measuring devices and units of measure. Thanks to all who rose to the challenge.
THE WINNER
Informal Conversion Calculator
How much is a metric shitload? How many blue moons to a dog year? The Informal Conversion Calculator puts fuzzy logic in the palm of your hand, allowing you to translate between indeterminate quantities with absolute accuracy. Special module available for calculating actual costs of urban light rail.
— Tom Sackett
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Visionary-ometer
Detects the precise amount of baloney being emitted from the mouth of the owner of an Internet start-up and produces an approximation, give or take four business days, of when company paychecks will begin to bounce.
— Debi Lewis
Payback 6000 by ColdSweat Labs
Are YOU the Hardest-Working Man in Show Business? Find out with the Payback 6000! Accurately measures the energy in every “Hep!” “Hey!” and “Wow!” Digital display shows both pW (picoWilsons) and nC (nanoCookes). Good God!
— Herb Robinson
Prolixity Distillometer
A hand-held device that measures (in Orwells) the amount of semantic content in speech. “Currently,” “located” and “to better serve you” have failed to register on the device at all in early tests. And an entire Las Vegas technology industry convention barely made the needle wiggle.
— Keith Ammann
Canine Polygraph
Is your dog really happy to see you? How sorry is Rex about the carpet? The Canine Polygraph uses sophisticated audio analysis to measure the stress in your pet’s barks and whimpers. (Not for use with cats. Not admissible for resolving issues in behavioral science in California, Oregon and Wyoming.)
— Tom Sackett
Digital Helenometer
How beautiful are you? Stunningly, breathtakingly, conventionally — or are you just handsome? Why spend hours in front of the mirror cataloging freckles when modern science can tell you the objective truth? The new Digital Helenometer© scans your appearance and gives you instant results. Readouts in millihelen units. (One millihelen equals enough beauty to launch one ship.)
— Michael P. Walsh
Bad Tip Alert
Is the tip you leave a token of gratitude or an inadvertent insult? The Bad Tip Alert hides discreetly in a pocket and vibrates if your gratuity falls below a predefined threshold, determined by the snootiness of the establishment and the quality of service.
— Jason Terada
Blink-per-Minute Counter
People blink more frequently when they’re lying. A BPM counter might prove useful for presidential debates, for assessing auto repair estimates, for annual salary reviews, etc. A bar chart comparing current BPMs to a baseline for an individual might prove handy, too.
— John Englert
Brownie Pointer
Want to know where you stand with your spouse, your co-workers, your boss? Now you can, with our patented combination remote skin-temperature, iris-dilation and voice stress-level tester. Stay up-to-date on exactly how much you can get away with! Vibrating warnings, diversionary cellphone call if you fall below -5.
— Mark Janello
Level Tracker
Forgot whether you were taking your company to “the next level” or “the next, next level”? Compact, wristwatch-size unit automatically counts how many times your boss tells you to “take it to the next level,” while integrated scrolling display shows the proper “next, next, next, next …” sequence needed to refer to your target level.
— Austin Appleby
Millerometer
Are you pretty sure Dante has no place in “Monday Night Football” but afraid you may be missing something? Don’t waste money on CliffsNotes — get the Millerometer. Attached to your television, the Millerometer displays how many other heads Dennis Miller’s commentary is passing over so you can have the peace of mind to use the Inferno as a coaster again.
— Caleb Shreve
Conscience
This nifty, low-maintenance device watches everything: what you eat, when you eat it, what it contains, where you’ve been, what you’ve done, your pulse, your breathing, your thinking. Not getting enough sun? It’ll book you a holiday!
— Peter Blyth
Fartractor
Measures how disgusting drivers are while leaning right to cut the cheese in their cars. It combines a plastic school protractor and stopwatch. While following a leaning driver, hold up the Fartractor and hit the stopwatch. If the lean is more than 15 degrees off vertical and lasts more than five seconds, it’s a Cherry Bomber. [One of many submissions on the theme. Sorry, but we had to cut the rest.]
— Kim Garretson
Thanks for taking our challenge. Look for another one in two weeks.
“Cyclometers can turn even a leisurely Sunday bike ride into a high-performance event by measuring distance traveled, speed, heart rate and even the number of pedal rotations each minute.”
— New York Times, August 2000
In the beginning was the stick. Then came the ruler, the plumb bob, the egg timer. And now, in the Silicon Age, human beings have created chip-based gizmos to measure absolutely everything. Or have we?
Readers are invited to invent a device — hand-held or smaller — that can measure something as yet unmeasurable. Give us its name, any new units of measurement and up to 50 words of Sharper Image catalog prose telling us why we cannot live another day without it.
EXAMPLE
Speech gun
Slow talkers got you down? Turn your speech gun on a colleague, politician or spouse. A chime sounds when the speaker falls below five syllables per second. Optional “Uh” counter available.
RULES
Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you’re a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Oct. 13, 2000.
PRIZES
The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard’s book, “Bots: The Origin of New Species.”
In two weeks we’ll publish a winner and some selected entries — then start over a couple of weeks after that with a whole new challenge.
