THE WINNER

You want what you can't always get.
(You can't always get what you want.)
-- Greg Wehmeyer

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Vidi, vici, veni --
I saw, I conquered, I came.
(Veni, vidi, vici.)
-- Arjen Kamphuis

Deep beauty is only skin.
(Beauty is only skin deep.)
-- Doug Gordon

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
("Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -- George W. Bush, CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000)
-- Dave Romm

Something that he disagreed with ate him.
(He ate something that disagreed with him.)
-- David Bedno

And give a fish a man for to teach, and fish eats -- eats a man a day for a lifetime! He-he!
(Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.)
-- Keith Ammann

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If it can be so for music, why not for words?

Readers are invited to submit up to three familiar sentences, with word order scrambled so that the original meaning is subtly or radically altered. Include the original text below your alteration.

EXAMPLE

When the Romans, like, do Rome in.
(When in Rome, do like the Romans.)

RULES

Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you're a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish, edit and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Dec. 8, 2000.

PRIZES

The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard's book, "Bots: The Origin of New Species."

In two weeks we'll publish a winner and some selected entries -- then start over a couple weeks after that with a whole new challenge.

Continue Reading...

One self-described nit-picker reminded us that a real acronym is pronounceable as a word, like SCUBA and laser. We stand corrected, but unbowed. And perhaps one of the best entries, from Dan Norton, came in over the three-letter limit: "PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms."

THE WINNER

PDA: Public Display of Affluence
-- Keith Amman

HONORABLE MENTIONS

CRT: Cheap Radiation Therapy
-- Mark Q. Moore

FTP: Find The Porn
-- Janne More'n

JPG: Just Porn, Gentlemen
-- John Cave

IPO: Idiot's Pyrrhic Optimism
-- Jeff Ryan

SUV: Suburban Uneasiness Vehicle
-- Nancy Ott

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In this Challenge, we turn to the Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs) that litter our increasingly technologized world. What does VCR really stand for? SUV? .jpg?

Readers are invited to submit up to three well-known TLAs -- and illuminate their true meaning.

EXAMPLE

CPU: Computer Packaging, Undisposable

RULES

Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you're a winner. By submitting your entry, you give Salon Technology permission to publish, edit and reuse it. Deadline for entries is Nov. 10, 2000.

PRIZES

The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology editor Andrew Leonard's book, "Bots: The Origin of New Species."

In two weeks we'll publish a winner and some selected entries -- then start over a couple weeks after that with a whole new challenge.

Continue Reading...

THE WINNER

Informal Conversion Calculator
How much is a metric shitload? How many blue moons to a dog year? The Informal Conversion Calculator puts fuzzy logic in the palm of your hand, allowing you to translate between indeterminate quantities with absolute accuracy. Special module available for calculating actual costs of urban light rail.
-- Tom Sackett

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Visionary-ometer
Detects the precise amount of baloney being emitted from the mouth of the owner of an Internet start-up and produces an approximation, give or take four business days, of when company paychecks will begin to bounce.
-- Debi Lewis

Payback 6000 by ColdSweat Labs
Are YOU the Hardest-Working Man in Show Business? Find out with the Payback 6000! Accurately measures the energy in every "Hep!" "Hey!" and "Wow!" Digital display shows both pW (picoWilsons) and nC (nanoCookes). Good God!
-- Herb Robinson

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In the beginning was the stick. Then came the ruler, the plumb bob, the egg timer. And now, in the Silicon Age, human beings have created chip-based gizmos to measure absolutely everything. Or have we?

Readers are invited to invent a device -- hand-held or smaller -- that can measure something as yet unmeasurable. Give us its name, any new units of measurement and up to 50 words of Sharper Image catalog prose telling us why we cannot live another day without it.

EXAMPLE

Speech gun
Slow talkers got you down? Turn your speech gun on a colleague, politician or spouse. A chime sounds when the speaker falls below five syllables per second. Optional "Uh" counter available.

RULES

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We'll forward our winning entry to ICANN as soon as someone steps forward with the $50,000 application fee.

THE WINNER

.not
www.microsoft.not
www.harvard.not
The .not top level domain (TLD) is intended for sites that criticize or parody the sites in the other TLDs. The sites in the .not TLD will thus constitute a parallel or shadow Web, commenting on the "real" Web. A person or organization will not be permitted to own a domain name in the .not TLD if he owns the same name under a different TLD. For example, the Coca-Cola Company is prohibited from registering cocacola.not.
-- David Radcliffe

HONORABLE MENTIONS

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What's needed -- and everyone involved has known this for Internet eons -- is more suffixes. These are the top-level domain names like .com, .org, etc. To that end, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers is soliciting proposals for new top-level domains.

And we're here to help. Readers are challenged to submit a new suffix and briefly describe its purpose. You're also welcome to submit a sample that takes advantage of your new top-level domain.

EXAMPLE

www.microstrategy.con

The .con domain is intended to help differentiate the truly egregious from the merely aggressive business innovators.

RULES

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Why not limit politicians, too?

We asked you to try.

Results show: Less is more.

Thanks for playing our game!

THE WINNER

"Promise: No sex, just Gore."
-- Mary Waggoner

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Every political speech throughout history:
"I am promising the impossible."
-- Steve Leahy

All political speeches can be boiled down to five words:
"I'm not the other guy!"
-- Samantha Lynn

"You'll never catch me lying."
-- Jeff Taylor

The Lincoln-Douglas debates:
"The tall guy always wins."
-- Samantha Lynn

"What's worst about censorship is ..."
-- Glenn Hauman

Suggestions for George W. Bush

"I will avenge you, father."
-- Erik Hansen

"How many words? Five? Whoops."
-- Francis Heaney

"My middle name is different."
-- Tom Davidson

Inaugural Address, President George W. Bush:
"Check out dubya dubya DUBYA!"
-- Greg Sarab

More for Albert Gore Jr.

"I SWEAR I'm not Clinton."
-- Deborah Lewis

"Win one for the Tipper!"
-- Eli Neiburger

"My emotion chip is overheating."
-- Erik Hansen

"Won't screw up economy, interns."
-- M. Turyn

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At the Webby Awards winners are permitted only five words for their acceptance speeches. Why not apply a similar limit to this year's presidential candidates' speeches accepting their party's nomination? Or to any other significant political speech, past present or future. Care to have a crack at the Gettysburg Address or "I Have a Dream"?

Readers are permitted up to three entries, each no more than five words. Make the most of them!

RULES

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Now that some hot air has dissipated from the industry, we asked readers in this challenge to meditate on the present moment -- and to do so in haiku form. Once again, we're delighted with the results.

THE WINNER

Ten thousand stock shares
Papers collecting dust now
Me doing drywall
-- Noble Smith

HONORABLE MENTIONS

When profit is nil,
wealth fades faster than the sun.
What would Bezos do?
-- Heather L. Barnes

I heard your dot-com
laid you off. That's too bad. Send
me your risumi?
-- Dave Stagner

Fuck your damn options.
This surly civil servant
Won't get burned like you.
-- Curtis Linderman

Cool summer: pink slips
blossoming in Mountain View;
dot-coms bear bitter fruit.
-- Nick Sweeney

We will get rich quick.
No real ideas, just Web page.
Whoops! Buyers catch on.
-- Josiah Madigan

Foolish to plan to
retire at twenty-seven.
Twenty-nine is fine.
-- David Nett

Sixty thousand shares.
Multiply by price per share.
Sixty thousand cents.
-- Gence Soysal

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In this contest we return to the poetic form of haiku -- that calm and timeless way of encountering reality. We invite readers to apply the haiku form and sensibility to the current economic moment -- when so many high-tech hopes have apparently been dashed, and yet others are still aborning.

Readers may submit up to three haiku poems. (The haiku is a three-line poem in the 5/7/5 form: first line five syllables, second line seven, third line five.)

E X A M P L E

Fluttering oak leaf?
toppled cypress? each high-tech
stock falls diff'rently

R U L E S

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What are the engineers saying? Proceed with caution? You are not to be trusted? We know not what we do? Whether you find such messages reassuring or annoying, they're an established form of punctuation in our workflow. Nagware: Can't compute without it.

But what of the rest of our lives? In this Challenge, we asked readers to propose reminders for the rest of our lives. Are you sure you want to read further ...?

THE WINNER

WARNING: Exiting womb. Are you sure you want to proceed?

-- Stephen Thompson

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Warning: This action cannot be undone

Are you sure you want to move "/your entire life" to "/follow your dreams"?

-- Jacky Sin

(on Alan Greenspan's machine)

Are you sure you want to increase the prime rate?

[Yes] [Yes] [Yes]

-- Keith Ammann

Are you sure you can pull out in time?

-- Sandra Hess

Are you sure that the voices inside my head aren't telling me what to do?

-- M. Mahoney

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With dialog-box messages like these,
our computers show they are worried for
us. They fear that in haste we'll do
something that we'll live to regret.

What if our computers began cautioning
us about the reckless decisions we
make in the rest of our lives?

Are you sure you want to ingest a muffin
containing 1.7 grams of partially
hydrogenated cottonseed oil?

Are you sure you want to marry someone
without asking for references?

Are you sure you want to vote for a
candidate whose wealth exceeds that of
Nova Scotia?

Readers are invited to submit up to five
"Are You Sure ...?" messages, each no
more than 40 words. You may choose to
include the name of the person on whose
screen the message is popping up.

R U L E S

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Corporations

Hide

Acronyms,

Largely

Like

Embarrassing

Names,

Guess

Entrants

THE WINNER

Promised

Radical

Inversion?

Caveat

Emptor!

Letting

Individuals

Negotiate

Eliminates

Crappy

Overstock

Merchandise

--Keith Ammann

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Might

I

Calamitously

Reduce

Our

Stock

Through

Roughshod

Accounting

Trickery?

Executives

Go

Yachting.

--Michael Casey

In

Nervous

Times

Engineers

Litigate

--Guillermo Ibarra

Continue Reading...

Readers are invited to crack the acronymic code of any well-known high-tech firm and, by so doing, unlock its corporate credo.

We welcome up to three original submissions from each entrant.

E X A M P L E

Money

Is

Cherished!

Retaliate

Often!

Steal

Only

Finest

Talent!

R U L E S

Send your submissions via e-mail only to salon21st@salon.com. Please include your full name and an accurate e-mail address so we can contact you if you're a winner. By submitting your entry you give Salon Technology permission to publish it. Deadline for entries is April 3, 2000.

P R I Z E S

The winning response will receive a copy of Salon Technology senior correspondent Andrew Leonard's book, "Bots: The Origin of New Species."

In two weeks we'll publish a winner and some selected entries -- then start over a couple of weeks after that with a whole new challenge.

Continue Reading...

THE WINNER

Hard pressed for other means, we can but hope

To know the human heart by stethoscope.

-- Thomas Jenkins

HONORABLE MENTIONS

My heart leaps up, my troubled ears are glad,

When I do thumb the key that mutes the ad.

-- John M. Ford

Soft, what ware chokes on cookies, spam and bots

To surf links 'cross reality ersatz.

-- Doug Muehlhauser

Couch potato, how did this come to pass?

My clicker thumb is fat as my ass.

-- Pedro F. Vazquez

These trees will stay standing thanks to Salon,

Since all printed magazines soon will be gone!

-- Anthony Dodd

Pez Dispens'd

What are thou, Pez, that must needs be dispensed?

T' be merely wrapped would leave thee so incensed?

T'were better still to leave the fingers sticky,

Than be vomited up by the likes of Mickey.

-- Mark Janello

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Readers are invited to create up to three rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter
that celebrate a modern appliance, convenience or contrivance. A couplet is two lines of poetry; iambic pentameter is a metric scheme in which each line consists of 10 syllables in five "feet" -- primarily iambs (an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one), though occasional variations may be introduced.

E X A M P L E

The milk, the bread, the yams wrapped tight in foil/All kept from spoiling by your wondrous coils.

R U L E S

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The following pronouncements may seem patently impossible, but we've learned never to sell the future short. Given enough time, the future has a way of coming back to bite us on the ass.

THE WINNER

Nobody's toaster needs an IP address.

-- Jason Tiscione

HONORABLE MENTIONS

It would be immoral to install an ON/OFF switch in the family pet.

-- Brian E. Bradley

Given that some Machine Intelligences like to keep pets, I think there may be a galactic market for maybe 50,000 humans.

Strategic Planner, IBM (Interstellar Biological Materials)

-- Glenn D. Brown

Genetic engineering may have its uses, but who the heck would want to hear a dog talk?

-- Steve Gattuso

I really don't want my bathroom fixtures gossiping with the neighbor's doorknob.

-- Brian E. Bradley

Even if the ReAnimatizer does work on Richard Nixon, nobody'd be crazy enough to elect him president.

-- Bob Perlman

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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

-- Ken Olsen, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

-- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

The above quotes are gleaned from an e-mail "forward" that arrives most frequently at the turn of the year. What is it that's so satisfying about reading predictions that didn't pan out? The know-it-all naysayer proved wrong! The short-sighted given their comeuppance!

We celebrate the rollover to 2000 on our collective odometer by inviting readers to create predictions for technological breakthroughs that may or may not occur sometime in the next thousand years. Keep your quotations under 40 words. Attribute them if you like.

E X A M P L E

"Who's going to want a metal coil implanted in their tongue, even if it could tell you when you've eaten enough?"

R U L E S

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