“Uniting the blockbuster appeal of the 1970s’ Have a Nice Day yellow smiley, the Sanrio Hello Kitty face, and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, this internationally-appealing character puts the irresistible cuteness back into feeling glum,” the site proclaims over a pink backdrop of cascading tears.

Hilarious? Certainly. Good gag wear or forwarding material for cynical friends? Yessir. The start of a Disney children’s show? Mmmh — what?

Christe’s private joke first appeared in the skate zine Warp last year. The biggest thing to come out of that was a call from a San Bernardino, Calif., manufacturer who was interested in producing This Is How I Feel socks. “My editors at the magazine convinced [the manufacturer] it was a joke and he was on the wrong end of it,” Christe says.

Still, this did not hinder demand for T-shirts in Christe’s circle. He figures he has sold a modest 50, but naturally feels that “every one is a lot.” There was even a buyer from Brazil “who was really sold on the idea of a This Is How I Feel Peli.”

Christe noticed that kids were in on the joke too (which end, he doesn’t say). “Kids seem to like the poochy-sad face innately,” he notes. He offers this testimonial: “I know a 10-year-old kid in New York called Max. I made him a TIHIF Alaskan hunting vest and he wore it to Woodstock. He took pictures of himself [one of which appears on the site] playing around in the vest in front of Alanis Morissette. He wanted to become my first franchise, to license it from me and sell it to kids at school. I think probably a dozen kids have them.”

See where Disney comes in? Christe and his screenwriting partner, Greg Fiering (creator of the comic “Migraine Boy”), were talking to the animation giant about some other projects when an exec asked to see a TV treatment for This Is How I Feel. The resulting proposal offered the True Feelers (representing sad, mad, glad, pitying and jealous — from Feeladelphia, of course), emotional spirits being chased by evil tycoon Assiduous P. Cook of Glomcorp. Cook wants to capture the Feelers so that he can sell things like Happy Bars! and new, 30 percent angrier Humvees. “The plots revolve around the corporation’s various plans to misuse the powers of love and so on for the nefarious purposes of achieving 100-percent market share — i.e., taking over the world,” Christe explains. The Feelers find allies in four kids who help them hide within everyday objects.

Disney is still considering the proposal. “If there’s a message,” Christe says of the show, “it’s to cultivate your humanity, rather than memorizing how big Pikachu’s breasts are and that kind of busywork.” In other words, if happy little bluebirds cry, why, oh why, can’t kids?

If the recent increase in Ritalin and Prozac prescriptions for young people is any indication, there are plenty of adults who might argue that expressing themselves more freely is the last thing we should be encouraging in today’s kids. But Christe has a point about the prevailing element in programming for young people: This Is How I Feel sprang from “frustration with how the only emotion you see on MTV or in the youth market is hyperenthusiasm or sarcasm. This was a way of saying, admit defeat, and try and market this. Try and market depression.”

Ironically, what could make TIHIF a success with kids is the exact opposite of what makes adults think it’s funny. The site and its ugly T-shirts (among the offerings: yellow with brown ink, brown on gray) make a serious issue surreal, cartoonish — a joke. If you’re feeling low, somehow the idea that a really screwed-up beaver is out there crying its little beaver eyes out seems comforting. With hardly any promotion to power it, the TIHIF site garners 10,000 hits a month.

Whether or not TIHIF becomes the next Pokimon, Christe plans to keep satisfying the modest adult demand for it. He even has a friend who is working on a rubber prototype of RealTears, the adhesive drops Christe would have TIHIF aficionados stick on their faces.

Will we be able to buy RealTears anytime soon? “Most moldable rubbers are highly toxic, especially the clear stuff, so I think selling it would be kind of tricky,” he answers cautiously. In the meantime, the site will continue to offer gems such as the Metallic Red Print on Soft Pumpkin Orange Tee, adult large. And don’t despair, kids, there may be more on the way: “I keep thinking I should take Phil some more Maker’s Mark and add a few [product] pages,” Christe says.

Look at the Associated Press wire on Salon if you want to know who won at this boring farce of an awards show. The more frightening story is that it looks like actors are actually taking the Globes seriously. Jim Carrey anointed himself “the Tom Hanks of the Golden Globes,” while Halle Berry claimed that “in just five seconds, by announcing my name, hopefully that burden [of discrimination] will be removed from me,” she said. “This is for my inner self and my struggle.”

While Berry deals with her own struggle, soldier through a few more questions: If you mixed and matched Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan with Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, would anyone notice? When people ask Parkinson’s patient Michael J. Fox for the bazillionth time, “Are you surprised at the outpouring of support?” what do they expect him to say? “I guess, but I still haven’t heard from that bitch Mallory, so I’m a little hurt”?

Of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the body that administers these illustrious awards, Joan Rivers said: “I know them all, because they wait on me during the year in various restaurants.” Waiter, a double scotch please.

Why did someone with a guffaw as devastatingly annoying as Renie Zellweger’s have to hook up with a comedian? Can we hope that Jim Carrey’s next role will be as Bob Saget or a similarly unfunny character?

Couldn’t Lara Flynn Boyle have rooted around for one of Jack Nicholson’s ex-girlfriends’ gowns or something instead of wearing her little brother’s T-shirt from 1979?

And when Parker thanked the caterers, was she trying to get us to think that she eats food and stuff?

There are more mysteries. Is it just because she was never ready for a close-up without a tub of Vaseline on the lens that Barbra Streisand was given an award in Cecil B. DeMille’s name?

If you were the person who had to adjust the microphone to suit both Seth Green and Claudia Schiffer, who could have stepped on her co-presenter on the way out, would you cry silent, bitter tears?

And we end by offering the Roberto Benigni Award for European Director’s Acceptance Speech to Pedro Almodsvar. Best Disney World Alternative goes to Peter Fonda: “I’m going to try to get that $2,000 [I lost in a bet] back and buy a magnum of Dom and get utterly wasted.”

Certainly, if my wife will let me. Thank you.

Thank you. I’m glad we could help.

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Appraiser: So, Lillian, tell us about what you brought here today.

Lillian: Certainly. This lamp has been in my family about 100 years. It was my grandmother’s, and now my mother, who is not in such good health and lives with me, uses it to read every night.

Man, is that an eyesore.

Yes, it is.

Now, you’ll notice that the shade here is made of stained glass, which is typical of the bad taste of the period. If you look at the base of the lamp, see this insignia? Do you know what that means?

No, I don’t.

Well, then I guess it’s a good thing we’re not counting on you to appraise it! The insignia shows that this lamp is French and very old. Therefore, it is valuable. Also, the market for very ugly lamps has skyrocketed over the last few years. Under ideal circumstances, a lamp like this would go for $25,000. But you’ll notice there’s a crack right here. Did something happen to the shade?

Yes, unfortunately my mother tripped over the cord one evening and the lamp fell. She broke her hip.

Well, your mother’s clumsiness has cost you several thousand dollars. Any idea how much this would bring in at auction in this condition?

No, no idea.

Of course not. At auction this lamp with the crack would still bring in about $15,000.

Oh, my!

So your mother will have to be more careful from now on!

Oh, I can afford a nursing home for her now. [Laughter.]

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Appraiser: Well, Tommy, this is quite an interesting coin bank you have here. Where did it come from?

Tommy: My grandpapa gave it to my daddy and now my little brother and I share it.

Now, see the boy figure on the bank? Tell us what he’s doing here.

He is sitting down in his bare feet eating watermelon, and his eyes are very wide and he has big lips.

Yes. Tommy, do you know what a racist is?

Ummm … I’m not sure.

You are related to a few, I can tell you that! The bank portrays a stereotypical image of African-Americans that was common at the time. However, many people, both black and white, would pay a lot for this bank, because it is part of a history in which bad people like your family oppressed other people. Do you know how much this is worth?

[Crying.] I don’t … I want to go home!

Just answer the question.

But I don’t know!

Then I’m not going to tell you. Now take your racist bank and get out of my sight.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – — – — – — – — – —

Appraiser: This is a remarkable story you have attached to this yearbook. The book is from Valley High, 1944, and in the back you have autographs from your classmates. Will you read this signature right here?

Randy: Surely. “Dear Randy, you are the best and I am thinking of you always. Have a great summer. Love, Norma Jean.”

Wow. Now, this is Norma Jean Baker, also known as Marilyn Monroe, you say?

That’s correct.

And how well did you know her in high school?

Oh, pretty well. She was a sweetheart, she really was.

Uh huh. Well, fortunately we were able to consult some graphologists on this, and they told us something very interesting.

What’s that?

That you are full of shit, Randy. This is your handwriting and Marilyn did not even attend this school. I’m afraid we’ll have to escort you from the premises.

Heh, well, you can’t blame me for trying.

I’m just sorry it was such an uninspired attempt. Better luck next time.

Thanks.

After contractual disputes with Warner Bros. and a failed attempt at releasing his own albums, the Artist is supposedly re-recording his entire song catalog so that he will own his master tapes. In the meantime, he has deigned to let Arista distribute his latest effort, “Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic.”

An announcement made by Arista several months ago had us weary Artist consumers braced for another blow. It said that, like the No. 1 Santana comeback record with Lauryn Hill and other hot, younger artists, the Artist disc would feature collaborations with commercially viable stars like Sheryl Crow, Ani DiFranco, No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani and Chuck D. We winced. Sheryl Crow? Gwen Stefani? What were these peanuts doing in our chocolate?

Imagine the sighs of relief when Arista CEO Clive Davis previewed the album for an eager group of media types last month in New York. “Rave” was not ill-conceived, heavy-handed or clunky. It was good. The Artist tempers Stefani and Crow into Wendy & Lisa substitutes. DiFranco plays the guitar on a quiet, pretty ballad called “I Love U But I Don’t Trust U Anymore.” Chuck D. does his thing without interference.

The album’s first single, “The Greatest Romance Ever Sold,” is an easy-tempo ballad along the lines of “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World,” featuring the Artist’s knack for combining pretty melody with staccato rhythm. The rest of the album travels from ballad to box-blaster and back, blending influences from hip-hop to trance without straining.

A couple of tracks veer a little too far into “Dawson’s Creek”/John Hughes territory. The Stefani track, for example, “So Far So Pleased,” is the type of song you can imagine playing as the camera pans across a bustling high school exterior. Other songs revisit the funk roots the Artist is so fond of: “Hot With U” is a Funkadelic-style grinder with Ruff Ryder’s rapper Eve guesting; “Pretty Man” recruits master horn blower Maceo Parker for a free-form jam. Other notables include “The Sun, the Moon and the Stars,” a contemplative song with “Parade”-era strings that the Artist wrote after a happy dinner in Spain with bassist Larry Graham and their wives, and “Undisputed,” the Chuck D. track.

We’ve probably heard the last of the Artist’s truly gritty work, like the stuff long ago on “Dirty Mind” and “1999,” but this album at least finds him more in control of his impulses (i.e. his synthesizer). He is also in top vocal form, particularly on the title track. Unless the Artist decides to appear au naturel in the first video, “Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic” is something a weathered Prince fan can bring up to the register without any qualms.