Such a thing exists. Many over-the-counter sex creams that speed up women's "libida" are already available, and two biopharmaceutical companies are aching to get their new love lotions approved by the Food and Drug Administration. Their medical and financial ambition is to garner the products massive Viagra-esque popularity with women.

Femprox, developed by NexMed of New Jersey, seems to be leading the pack of climax contenders in the current race for an FDA-approved vaginal jump-start jelly. The company's manager of corporate affairs, Deborah Carty, says that testing of its product is in Phase 2 in China. She anticipates that the final leap over the Phase 3 hurdle will begin by the end of 2001, "and if the results are positive, it [Femprox] will go on the marketplace, pending FDA concurrence." (Phase 1 is an initial test for safety to rule out side effects not caught in animal studies; Phase 2 is an efficacy trial, usually using a small number of people; Phase 3 is a larger test that usually lasts a year and is the final phase before seeking FDA marketing approval.)

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"Fellatio," her husband Kent conceded, "is man's best friend. But why won't my son get sucked if he's whole?"

The Berkeley, Calif., baby shower had disintegrated into yet another debate about circumcision. Every well-wisher on the festive patio knew that neo-natal Zachary already owned 15 stuffed animals, nine Dr. Seuss books and enough green overalls to costume an elf army, but the parents -- like so many others -- hadn't determined yet if the tot would be sporting a foreskin.

"Smegma," Abigail spat out the word, "is gross. Future girlfriends are going to gag if we don't snip him."

"Really?" Kent petitioned the room for support. "Is that true?"

Two women wrinkled their noses and nodded. The remainder said "probably." They hadn't actually licked any floppy fellas, but the elephantine trunks seemed potentially rank.

"Leave his weenie alone," I spoke up. "You're just culturally biased."

"I've been there!" trilled Abigail. "I have tasted uncut men and I've had them wiggle inside me and I'm telling you: It's rude and inferior."

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I winced watching this, because I am consumed with greedy but guilty desire when it comes to the issue of squirting inside the mouth and swallowing. I adore oral acceptance of my penile offering, but I'm cravenly apologetic asking for it, because I'm sure the texture and flavor are repulsive on my lover's palate. Fear of Samanthas also inhibits me: My crotch loves a tongue-lashing but my ego doesn't.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please just spit it out anywhere, on me or the blankets; I'll clean it up and I'll bring you a big glass of cold water." Blow jobs bestowed on my happy organ invariably end with me mumbling ashamedly, as if I had just splattered eggnog all over the Christmas table. I view my gobs as disgusting dollops.

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In the 1970s, the fully dressed Indonesian administrators tried to ban the
skimpy "penis
gourd" that is proudly exhibited by Dani tribesmen as their sole item of apparel, according to London's Sunday Telegraph. Traditional Dani men maintain a wardrobe of several penis sheaths, also known as target="new" href=
"http://www.art-pacific.com/artifacts/nuguinea/bilas/phallocc.htm">"phallocrypts," that are fashioned out of orchid chords and elaborately decorated with fur, feathers, seeds, shells and embroidery. The gourds serve as pockets to secure cash and cigarettes and are tied up at jaunty angles by strings encircling the waist.

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Halperin and Bailey say the startling statistics support the widely held theory that the foreskin "provides a vulnerable portal of entry to HIV and other pathogens ... such as chancroid, syphilis and herpes, that are known cofactors for HIV infection." One possible explanation: The tender foreskin is easily torn and scratched during intercourse, enabling the virus to enter.

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If the husband dies, the girls -- often too young to even bear children -- become outcasts and remain dependent on their in-laws.

Mehta's cast and crew were harassed by a rampaging mob in the holy city of Varanasi and forced to flee after they were threatened with a public stoning, according to the International Herald Tribune. The sets of "Water" were torched once the crew left.

In Calcutta, West Bengal, militant Hindus growled that
they would burn Mehta and her lead actress, Shabana Azmi, in effigy if they dared to film in that city. Other states are friendlier: Maharashtra welcomed the project and Madhya Pradesh invited the crew despite "possible law and order problems."

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After a preliminary hearing, Malibu Superior Court
Judge Lawrence Mira determined that the
hoof-humping defendant must stand trial on a dozen
charges: six felony counts of animal cruelty and
six misdemeanor counts of having sex with a horse.

The mare and stallion molester was first arrested
in June under suspicion of perpetrating a series of
strange wounds on horses. After
he was freed on bail, he immediately returned to
his unnatural acts of
eques-erotica, said Deputy District Attorney Martin
Herscovitz.

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To demolish his pub rivals, Thomas Hendry stapled his staff to a crucifix 18 times with an industrial-strength stapler, then drenched it in cigarette lighter fluid and ignited it in a meat-cooking blaze.

Trader McKendry, the Christchurch tavern that sponsored the contest, gave Hendry a whopping jackpot of about U.S. $245 in cash and the same amount in a bar credit.

"The stunt was unusual and macabre," the Broadcasting Standards Authority conceded, but the footage shown on state-owned television's "Havoc 2000 Deluxe" show fell just short of breaking broadcasting boundaries.

The organ ordeal was videotaped in its excruciating entirety and subsequently broadcast by Television New Zealand (TVNZ) reports Agence France-Presse. Audiences were warned repeatedly that the upcoming footage was "graphic and disgusting," but the cock-crippling clip was actually edited so extensively that it was difficult to comprehend the magnitude of the genital torture.

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The demonstration was co-sponsored and primarily attended by
the "National
Headquarters To Practice True Family Values," a group
affiliated with the
Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church. The " target="new" href=
"http://www.purelove.org/">Pure Love Alliance," a Moonie
splinter
group of students who promote and celebrate virginity, also
helped organize the anti-orgasmic gathering. The celibate
crowd of 500
commenced the event by raising their right hands to vow an oath
of chastity
until marriage, before parading downtown for five city blocks.
Leaflets
promoting their fingers-off philosophy were distributed by the
eager for abstinence marchers who waved puritanical placards
proclaiming, "Free Sex: No," "One man, one wife" and
"Extramarital affair, you are a witch."

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Wealthy clients pay $50-$130 for these specialty cuts at the shop where requesting a "flat top" is impossible because all 10 professional barbers are young, attractive women. Owner Maksim Lyadov, a graduate of the Moscow State University journalism school, says he
wants to bring about a sexual revolution in Russia with his business. His salon also offers billiards with a nude opponent and massage with a naked
masseuse. His titillating service is thriving despite the scanty expenditure on advertising and lack of budget for staff uniforms.

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Non-sexy celluloid receives scant attention, while turgid throngs of viewers flock to soft-core cinema. Classics of carnality like "Metropolitan Girl" seduced 200,000 spectators in Jakarta alone.

The production of Indonesian erotica climaxed in the 1970s and early 1980s, an era that ejaculated more than 100 steamy titles per annum. The bulging growth of the industry was eventually slapped down in 1984
by a government-sponsored anti-pornography campaign and again in 1988 by Islamic religious leaders who censored two frisky films, "Revenge of
the Southern Sea Queen" and "The Result of Being Flirtatious."

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Two Buddhist contingents got caught with their pants down recently: a teen-whoring Japanese duo and a horde of partying pagoda-dwellers in Cambodia.

Tokyo's Mainichi Daily News reports that Eishu Sawada, a 30-year-old Buddhist teacher confined to a temple in Tokai, was arrested Jan. 13 with his acolyte, a 19-year-old university student.

The mentor and his pupil dialed a local "dating service" (were they bored crazy by meditation practice?) and hooked up with a pair of 16-year-old prostitutes for some enlightening orgasms at a cheap hotel. Sex-starved Sawada and his lascivious student were subsequently indicted for violating an Aichi state ordinance that forbids sex with anyone under 18.

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"Sexuality is undifferentiated at birth," Money has written. "It becomes differentiated as masculine or feminine in the course of the various experiences of growing up."

The Frankensteinesque experiment was an abysmal failure, according to the recently published biography "As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl" by John Colapinto.

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Danish men also like to play a sort of cat-and-mouse game. On Feb. 14, Danish men send anonymous joking letters called "gaekkelrev" to the femmes of their affection. Instead of revealing their vulnerable identity, they sign the glib correspondence with clandestine dots -- one for each letter of their name. If the beloved guesses who the shy admirer is, she is offered an Easter egg by her beau at Easter.

Worse yet, nearly half of the people questioned in a U.K. survey said they have never sent a card or flowers on Valentine's Day. But this does not mean the love-shy Brits are at the bottom of the international barrel.

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Rosemeri da Costa, 34, has been doing it for years, but last month while tanning her teats she was hauled off the beach by police, guns drawn, sparking a national debate entangling the Roman Catholic Church, feminists and politicians.

Costa, who was relaxing on the beach with her companion Antonio Saraiva, 62, was rudely awakened from her mammary-baking reverie by a contingent of raiding police, reports the International Herald Tribune.

Rosemeri and Antonio tried to argue with the anti-torso antagonists, but the cops responded by slapping Antonio, wrenching his arm behind his back and then dragging Rosemeri off to jail
for eight hours. The entire incident was videotaped and subsequently publicized on local TV stations.

The puritanical police insisted that they were just trying to enforce the city's laws, but their choice of de Costa remains mysterious; she'd been airing her areolas for months surrounded by an abundance of other bare-bosomed women, including European tourists.

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Aside from an all-star benefit performance last year,
the Obie Award-winning
play written by Eve Ensler
has previously been
performed exclusively as a
one-woman show by the
author in New York, Berlin,
London and Jerusalem. Next week, reports
Tuesday's Ottawa Citizen, the Westside Theater in Manhattan will
restage the text by dividing up the monologues equally between
three different actresses. Various casts will walk the boards for
two weeks.

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Last week Italian police rescued 12 women -- some as young as 16
-- from Nightclub International, located near the headquarters of
the Russian forces outside Pristina. The women claimed they had
been abused and sold several times to different owners as they
were smuggled from their homelands to Kosovo. At Nightclub
International they provided sexual favors to Russian and American
troops at a cost of about $48 for 30 minutes.

The International Organization of Migration (IOM) in Pristina
estimates that there are "thousands of girls who are now
prisoners in the European sex trade."

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While urban governments legislate a plethora of progressive
decrees, their attempts at enlightenment are often dismissed in
the countryside where ancient prejudices prevail. With 84.6
percent of the population living in rural areas this
means change, in reality, touches very few.

Gender equality was guaranteed in Burkina Faso's 1991
constitution, but women and girls remain miles away from
authentic liberation. Last month, the Committee on the
Elimination of Discrimination against Women convened to
strategize against its greatest concerns: forced marriage, wife
inheritance, polygamy, violence against women, illiteracy and
accusations of witchcraft.

Young Burkinabe girls are often coerced into matrimony because
customs regard them as "property to be given away as a gift for a
friend, a medium of exchange, or to be used for immediate or
future interests," according to a report on the Jan. 28 M2
Presswire.

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Are you lonely in bed? Want to bounce on the box springs with some sexy company? Just align your mattress in the proper position and the lovers will line up at your door, swears a recent convert to feng shui.

Karen May, 32, wrote in the London Mirror that she was
single, antisocial and depressed when she
consulted Liza Evans, a feng shui designer. Redecorating the barren boudoir was advised as a remedy. The cold bed was pulled away from the wall because this would allow Mr. Right warmth and access on the opposite side. The bed's head was also steered southwest, the direction of
romance.

Repainting the room supplied the next invitation to intimacy as the pale mauve walls were replaced with hot red and orange hues. A red heart-shaped lamp was also installed. Its warm glow made Karen feel "relaxed and sexy."
Fake plants were disposed of to rid the chamber of "dead energy." A wooden sculpture of two people entwined was purchased to promote "unity."

Were magic gems incorporated? Absolutely. A rose crystal was dangled by the window to attract "the earth element."

Did the ancient but also New Age arrangement produce aphrodisiac results?

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Streaking stark naked with one's pubic zone in full public view is a fad that began in the early '70s, when bellbottom corduroys and macrami were the rage. Cultural quirks usually fly swiftly out of style, but baring it all in front of startled multitudes seems to be a trend with long legs,
particularly in Anglo nations.

Australian sailor Peter Hassall, 29, danced in his birthday suit before 14,000 spectators during a football match in Darwin between the Essendon Bombers and the West Coast Eagles, the Australian AP reported.

The petty officer was on leave after a stressful 40-day tour in East Timor aboard the HMAS Newcastle. After boozing with buddies all afternoon, Hassall accepted a dare to gyrate buck naked on the green playing field in nothing but his Nikes.

Police escorted him out of the arena to Darwin's courthouse, where he pleaded guilty to an indecent behavior charge that cost him $400. Magistrate Daniel Trigg grumbled, "I get a bit concerned when I see members of the armed forces behave in this manner. I'm a bit concerned about their maturity levels."

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