Kenneth H. Cleaver
Arrest those dreadlocked rascals!
Cambridge's wayward youths threatened to "get vegan on my ass."
Aug. 14, 2000
Robert W. Healy
City Manager
Office of the City Manager
795 Massachusetts Ave.
Cambridge, MA 02139
Dear Mr. Healy:
I am saddened to report that a recent visit to your city was scarred by a most unpleasant occurrence. Walking near Harvard Square, I was followed by a gang of overgrown guttersnipes with rings right through their noses and long knotty hair. My younger relations inform me this style is called “dreadlocks.” It certainly looks dreadful.
At the root of their discontent was my T-shirt picturing Chinese President Jiang Zemin embracing exiled Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama. The back features the slogan “China & Tibet: Together 4ever.” The gang of boys demanded I take it off and became incensed when I refused. Before I could discourse upon freedom of expression and the potential of Buddhist-Communist unity, the young men were upon me.
Strangely enough, I was never kicked or punched, but my mouth was pried open and mob members forced down it what I later discovered to be organic bean sprouts, after which the boys stood up and bombarded me with bricks of extra-firm tofu. During the struggle they made several curious remarks. “Don’t f*** with the Dalai Lama!” “Tibetan Buddhists rule!” Before dispersing, the gang leader warned that if I was seen in Cambridge again he would “get some pipe-hittin’ lesbians and get vegan on my ass.”
My good nature prevents me from condemning a city based on the behavior of a few extremists. I consider it my civic duty to make you aware of what I hope is not a burgeoning problem.
Out of curiosity, perhaps you might clue me in: What is a “pipe-hittin’ lesbian”?
Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver
The City of Cambridge Police Department responds:
Aug. 21, 2000
Dear Mr. Cleaver:
Your letter of 8/14/00 to City Manager R. Healy, in which you describe being assaulted on a street here in Cambridge, has been forwarded to me for further action. I am sorry to hear of this unfortunate incident and the Cambridge Police Department would like to know more of the details, such as the location, date and time, and physical description of the assailants.
In order for us to investigate the incident, I ask that you call the Cambridge Police Investigation Section and ask for Sergeant Les Sullivan. With more specific information we will hopefully be able to address the situation that you found yourself in on the day you were attacked and be able to prevent a like occurrence in the future.
Again, I am sorry to hear that your visit to Cambridge was marred by that very disturbing incident. I assure you that such crimes are not commonplace here in Cambridge. I hope we hear from you soon so that we may take whatever steps are possible to investigate this incident further.
Sincerely,
Dep. Supt. Thomas O’Connor
Dear Sundance: These bons mots are for hire
With a wardrobe ranging from silk to suede, I'll add cinephiliac savvy to this year's festival.
October 11, 2000
Dear Sundance Film Festival:
To borrow from Somerset Maugham, I am a person “of no social consequence.” I say this not out of a desire for pity, but as a realistic assessment of my sphere of influence in the world of independent cinema. As film festivals have become ubiquitous, status and distinction have become increasingly important. Though unknown in the industry, my cinephiliac savvy, cultural lucidity and overall insufferability will help maintain Sundance’s status as the country’s elite film festival.
Continue Reading CloseDear Friendly’s: Where have all the doilies gone?
Ice cream desserts just don't taste the same without that classy decorative touch.
February 6, 1999
Friendly’s Ice Cream Corporation
1855 Boston Road
Wilbraham, Mass. 01095
Dear Friendly’s:
I have been a Friendly’s customer for many years and I hope to continue on for many more. While my grievance may appear superficial, please trust that I would not take the time to write if I didn’t feel it was important. My concern is that you have abandoned your long-standing practice of serving ice cream desserts on doilies.
While I recognize that such a decorative gesture has no bearing on the quality of the dessert, it adds a touch of class clearly lacking in most franchise establishments. In the northeast it appears Friendly’s has cornered the market on sit-down ice cream venues. It would be unfortunate if that edge was utilized to cut back on the trimmings that make it great. Are doilies environmentally unsound? Are doilies recyclable? Has Friendly’s considered a more earth-conscious doily substitute — like macramé? Are my worst fears true? Has the doily been banished to the dustbin of Americana with the juke joint and roller waitress? Or was this anti-consumerist policy the brainchild of some corporate bean counter who wouldn’t know a Fribble from French toast? I will assume the best as I prepare for the worst.
Continue Reading CloseThe margarine conspiracy
Our intrepid corporate correspondent gets to the bottom of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" mystery.
Sept. 15, 2000
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”
c/o Lipton
800 Sylvan Ave.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
Dear ICBINB:
Sophisticated in their understanding of culture, politics and literature, my friends — and you can dust this for sarcasm — are a bastion of profundity. They had little difficulty plowing through the teary-eyed haze of nostalgia surrounding “The Phantom Menace” and dismissing it for the travesty it was. They subscribed to Details magazine when it was under homosexual editorship and canceled months before it became the midwife to Maxim and Stuff. However, on one particular topic, their critical faculties have lapsed. My friends willingly believe that your product “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” is not butter. “It’s just margarine, Kenneth, get over it already.”
Continue Reading CloseDear Days Inn: Consider me bolted
A motel epiphany: Common household objects work better nailed down. Another corporate missive from Kenneth H. Cleaver.
July 17, 2000
Days Inn
P.O. Box 29004
Phoenix, AZ 85038-9004
Dear Days Inn:
I had the good fortune of being your guest this past March in Dearborn, Mich. What I learned during the course of my stay will remain for me a lifelong practice.
When I first noticed the remote control bolted to my night table, I was not a happy guest. Days Inn trusted me no further than I could throw a cheesecake underwater. Or so it seemed. As my anger passed, I began to contemplate my home and what I might want to bolt down.
Continue Reading CloseRename the eggplant, please
"Purple power bombs" would be much more market friendly: More excerpts from the corporate correspondence files of Kenneth H. Cleaver.
June 23, 2000
California Rare Fruit Growers Inc.
Fullerton Arboretum, California State University
P.O. Box 6850
Fullerton, CA 92834
Dear California Rare Fruit Growers Inc.:
The crisis of the American eggplant flies in the face of well-sung wisdom about judging books by their covers. With a coat reminiscent of the majestic tones of Rembrandt and Vermeer, the eggplant could not possess a better cover. The crisis facing the American eggplant is its name. Eggplant? This compound evokes fetid aromas of city dumps and genetic debacles fit for a “Far Side” cartoon. Not a palatable image, especially for finicky youngsters trying it for the first time. Is it not ironic that in an age of hyperconsumption, in which the image is master of all it surveys, even the most handsome of vegetables must be reconfigured?
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