Mary T. Kelly
It’s OK not to love your stepchildren
The expectation that a stepmom should immediately fall head over heels for her husband's kids is ridiculous
(Credit: Eugene Kalenkovich) As a psychotherapist, I’ve talked to women all over the country about a dirty little secret: Sometimes, stepmothers don’t love their stepchildren. “I need to confess this to someone,” they tell me. “I feel so bad about this, but I don’t, um, I really just don’t, um, you’ll think I’m a horrible person for saying this, for admitting this, but, um, I just really don’t love my stepchildren.”
I laugh when they say this and they are taken aback. What kind of cruel and twisted therapist am I that I would laugh? But I am quick to reassure, “So what? Of course you don’t love your stepchildren. Why should you? Just because you fell in love with their father doesn’t mean you will automatically love his children. Some women do, but many women don’t and there is nothing to feel guilty about!”
The relief on their faces or in the tone of their voices is immediate and palpable. Then the familiar kicker comes: “But my husband is demanding that I love his children. He expects me to love his children.” At one of my recent “Stepmonster” support groups, one woman mumbled, “Last week, my husband told me that if I didn’t love his son the way I love our daughter, he’s going to divorce me.” Her husband needed a big-time reality check.
When I married my husband almost 10 years ago, I had no expectation that he love any of my four children, children who were deep in the throes of adolescence and were quite busy totaling cars and getting underage drinking tickets. I wasn’t greedy. My hope was that he would be able to tolerate them. Loving them was between him and them, and quite frankly, none of my business. But what I did expect from him was to treat my children in a loving and kind manner.
Some say that love is a conscious choice. I would revise that: Acting in a loving manner is a choice. As stepmothers, we can certainly act “as if” we love our stepchildren. We can act in ways that are loving and make choices in our daily lives to do so, but it doesn’t mean that we have to “feel” the love. Nor should we feel guilty for not feeling something as profound and intimate as “love.”
It’s an awkward subject to be sure, and we don’t need to announce while sitting around enjoying a nice glass of wine: “By the way, honey, I don’t love your kids!” There’s an advantage to diplomacy. But when we are pressed against the wall and cornered for an answer to the “do you love my children” question, my advice to stepmothers is to say, “I care deeply about the welfare of your children and am open to the possibilities of building on our relationship in ways that feel genuine and authentic for me.”
I’ve found that stating that commitment, that intention, is enough for most well-reasoned husbands. Stepmothers simply cannot be the first-aid love doctor for their husbands, many of whom bring their own sense of shame and failure from their former marriages, and desperately want to have the new marriage clean up the messes from the first. It’s not realistic and it’s not fair.
The good news is this: We can have our cake and eat it too. We don’t need to love our stepchildren, or even like them, to have successful marriages. But we would be wise to treat all the people that come into our lives with warmth, courtesy and kindness. Anything other than that, though, is just icing on the cake.
“American Idol” chooses the wrong winner
Foiled again! Bland Lee DeWyze wins over powerhouse Crystal Bowersox, but the show's real loss is Simon Cowell
"American Idol" winner Lee DeWyze It was a bad sign when, at the start of the finale show, Ryan Seacrest asked the audience where the Crystal Bowersox fans were. Sitting 12 rows from the stage, I clapped and yelled as loudly as I could for the gifted single mom whose performances had often been the highlight of an incredibly dull season. But when Seacrest asked for the fans of Lee DeWyze, the crowd simply roared.
Sure enough, following a two-hour parade of throwback performances (Alice Cooper, the Bee Gees, Hall & Oates), we finally got to the big dim-the-lights moment. America voted … and Lee DeWyze won.
Continue Reading Close“American Idol” recap: Final performances
In the last episode before tonight's finale, Crystal dominates and Lee flails
Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox perform during Tuesday night's "American Idol" “American Idol, Season 9″ is almost over. After Tuesday night’s final performances of the last two contestants, Crystal Bowersox and Lee Dewyze, I could almost hear a collective sigh of relief from coast to coast. The race that felt more like a marathon was almost at an end.
However, moving to the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles gave Tuesday night’s show a special feel. Instead of performing for five hundred people, Lee and Crystal sang to 7000 people. What a difference a few thousand people make.
Continue Reading Close“American Idol” recap: Bye, Goldilocks
Casey James heads home, leaving Crystal and Lee to head to the finale. Plus: Justin Bieber performs
In this publicity image released by Fox, contestant Casey James performs on the singing competition series, "American Idol," on Tuesday, May 18, 2010, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Fox, Michael Becker)(Credit: AP) On Wednesday night’s “American Idol,” Ryan Seacrest declared that over 40 million votes came in. What he failed to mention was that last year at this time, over 88 million votes had been cast. Do the math, folks. An over 50 percent reduction in votes does not bode well for the future of “American Idol,” not to mention next week will be Simon Cowell’s last show.
Ryan spent time with each contestant, asking them how their experience on the show has been, how it’s changed their life, etc., etc., blah blah blah. The answers were as predictable as Kara’s perpetual bobbing head.
Continue Reading Close“American Idol” recap: Take a hike, Casey
Lee's "Hallelujah" wows the judges while Crystal shows soul. Let's hope the tweens don't save the handsome robot
Casey James, Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze perform on Tuesday night's "American Idol." It was “two for the price of one” night on “American Idol” as Casey, Lee and Crystal “battled” it out for the Final Two next Tuesday night. Each of them were finally able to pick a song of their choice, while the second song was picked by one or more of the judges.
Honestly, the show was more of a whimper than a bang. But there were some moments that inspired goose bumps and hope.
Round 1:
Casey James started the show by saying he was just happy to still be there. Casey is, if nothing else, realistic. He’s damn lucky to still be in this competition and he has his golden locks to thank for that. Maybe when his gig is over, Playgirl magazine will be in the market for some models (his guitar could be strategically placed).
Continue Reading Close“American Idol” recap: So long, Big Mike!
Michael Lynche gets the boot, but as a performance from Chris Daughtry reminds us: Coming in fourth ain't all bad
Michael Lynche gets eliminated from "American Idol" Wednesday night’s “American Idol Elimination Show” reduced the contestant field from a dismal four to a dismal three. The suspense was (not) palpable.
For all those naysayers who criticized those of us who, despite reason, logic or sanity, have continued to watch this disaster of a season, they should know that we are not alone. 37 million votes were cast Tuesday night, the highest number of votes cast this season in one night. Millions of people can’t be that stupid, can they? Never mind. It was a rhetorical question.
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