Mike Sacks

Dear Thomas Pynchon, can you blurb my book?

Letters from an aspiring writer with big dreams -- and big delusions about his novel

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Dear Thomas Pynchon, can you blurb my book?Thomas Pynchon

Dear Mister Thomas Pynchon:

Thank you for taking the time to open this envelope and read what is contained herein. I know that you, like me, are a very busy and serious man, so I don’t intend to waste our times.

I will have you know that while I am a fan of your work, this is the first instance in which I have attempted to make contact with you. You could say that I was waiting for the exact right moment and, if you did say that, then you would be right.

I am a writer named Rhon Penny (silent h), and I am no longer married. I am writing to you today because I have just finished my latest novel, and it would be my great honor for you to blurb it. If you are unaware, a blurb is one of those glowing remarks you find on the back of a book’s cover, written by a highly regarded author or TV chef. For example, if I were blurbing this letter, it would go:

“If you could only read two things this year, make one this letter … and the other maybe the Magna Carta!”

In today’s literary climate, it is essential that a new writer obtain a blurb so that Joe Q. Dumbbell thinks a book is worthy enough of purchase or library checkout. My publisher/mother tells me a top-notch blurb can mean the difference between Harry Potter-type sales and Harry Stottleberg-type sales (a guy who lives in our building). As my primary-care physician says, “Humans are fickle pickles,” which, while true, has never really explained why he has me on such a complicated smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals. I am very tired.

Like yourself (no doubt) I find blurbing to be absolutely repulsive. It is crass, pathetic and couldn’t be less artistic. Just so you know, I am only doing this because the more I think about it, the more I would like to make a lot of money. Full disclosure: I named my conjoined Siamese cats Tommy and Pinchie. Tommy just died, which has made movement difficult for Pinchie. But she pushes on like a feline boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past (F. Scott Fitzgerald). Like blurbs, an author’s choice of title is very important for sales. Take “Gravity’s Rainbow.” That is a terrific title. Why? Because it tells you exactly what the book is about. I would like to think that my book’s title does the same: Cream of America Soup.

OK. By this point, I am going to assume that you have already agreed to blurb me, so let me just say, “Thank you.” I truly appreciate it.

Let us now concentrate on the blurb itself. If you would like to construct your own blurb, then, please, by all means, construct it! You’re good with words. On the other hand, should you prefer that I create a blurb for you to affix your name and well-deserved reputation to, then I have taken the liberty of coming up with some samples (please note the use of exclamation points). Here they are:

  • “Fifteen thumbs up!”
  • “If I had a disease that made me retch every time I read a great sentence, I would never stop vomiting while reading Ron Penny’s latest novel!” [Note the misspelling of "Rhon." This will get people talking.]
  • “It is not for me to say whether Rhon Penny is a great new young talent, but I will say this: Yes, he is greatly talented, and no, he is not young!”
  • “If I were married to Rhon Penny … I would never leave him!”

You have to be wondering: What in the world is this novel I’ve agreed to blurb actually about? And why is Rhon no longer married? Excellent queries both. I will not tell you why I’m no longer married, but my book’s subject matter is very much like “Gravity’s Rainbow,” in a way, and in other ways not at all. It’s also very much a post-9/11 book, but not overtly. I’m not saying you need to know a lot about the medieval feudal system, Lady Bird Johnson, bats, my ex-wife’s fear of conjoined Siamese cats, democracy or linguine … but it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if you did.

What I am saying, however, is that the book takes place in Connecticut. (Yes, I am aware that a lot of people refuse to write about the Nutmeg State — for obvious reasons — but it is a state I know and care deeply about. Furthermore, being afraid of criticism just ain’t in Rhon’s genetic makeup.)

For reasons I can’t get into, I must immediately end this correspondence. But I will not sign off without addressing the giant elephant in this letter. Yes, if you blurb my book I will then blurb your next one. And I can promise you, as sure as I’m writing this letter with my lucky Bic pen, that it will be laudatory … even if I absolutely hate it! I just have a funny feeling that I’m going to “adore” and “love” and “highly recommend” the thing! Catch my “drift”? In closing, let me say three things. One, I would certainly take my ex-wife back if she ever leaves Bernard. Two, feel free to keep the enclosed sign that reads “Danger! Writer’s Zone!” That is a gift and it will go well in your office. And three, please allow me to express what I have to say in the form of a blurb: 

“If you could grow great people in the ground like tomatoes, then I would only plant seeds of you in the garden of my life so that I could have you available to top all of future life-salads. That said, if you could send a really well-thought-out blurb to my return address, I would greatly appreciate it!”

Self-addressed envelope included. Stamps not, but highly recommended.

Yours in the words,

Rhon Penny

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Dear Mister Don DeLillo:

Thank you for taking the time to open this envelope. As you are no doubt aware from having read my last five letters, time, the very whitest of white noises, is of the essence.

A quick reminder: I am a writer named Rhon Penny (silent h), and I am no longer married. I am writing to you today (again) with an exciting proposition that is going to be very difficult to decline. But first, a little background about this crazy “game” we call the “literary world.” Have you heard of a writer named James Patterson? Of course you have. He’s only the biggest-selling writer in the book business (sorry, not meant as a personal attack), churning out literally two or three best-sellers a year! So, you’re thinking, what’s his secret? Guess what? He uses writing partners. This is where I come into the picture.

Dan, has it always been a dream of yours to have it both ways? To be able to enjoy the advantages of a wonderful social life wherein you can rewatch “What Women Want” for the hundredth time, or hold an impromptu barbecue in the park with your buddies, while also earning the respect of your peers as a top-flight man of letters? This has always been a dream of mine. And it’s my thinking that if we join forces — preferably immediately — we can make this happen.

Being somewhat familiar with your oeuvre (and knowing how to spell “oeuvre”), I realize that you might not be so quick when it comes to creating book ideas –  but I’m incredibly fast. How fast? Since I started this letter, I have come up with four solid concepts:

  • A “what if” premise: What if the United States had lost World War II, and another country — perhaps Belgium — had somehow won? Would we all have strange accents and eat mussels all the time?
  • A more “highbrow” literary idea: A man no longer loves a woman, and vice versa. I think a lot can be done with this.
  • Something racial: A guy is bitten by a radioactive chameleon, and wakes up to find he can change skin color depending on who’s standing next to him.
  • If the website “Ask Jeeves” is to be believed, you once wrote a book about Lee Harvey Oswald and the Kennedy assassination. How about turning the tables, and writing about a less violent, but no less interesting, major event? The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? It’s topical and interesting. Let’s use it.

Another option would be to do something about Frank Sinatra (you love him, right?). Maybe a story about a guy who gets kicked out of the rat pack for telling Sinatra he couldn’t go out that night because he just popped a frozen macaroni and cheese into the toaster oven. Or something very similar?

Can we now talk author-to-author? I’m sure you might have a few questions about this specific writing arrangement, and I’d be happy to answer them all. For instance, are you worried about how we’ll split the royalties? Or whether your name will go first in the byline? Or who will take the “lead” on talk shows? Me on “All Things Considered,” you on “The View”? Let’s not jump the gun, OK? Here’s a question for you, though: Do you have any old ideas sitting around in your “trunk” that need freshening up? Most writers, as you no doubt are aware, are constantly working on a few things at once. This is what’s in my trunk:

  • A young man discovers a portal into another universe … and decides to open a much needed Baskin-Robbins. (This manuscript ends at Page 52.)
  • An unauthorized biography of my mother. (She literally has no idea.)
  • A book titled “Something Stinky, Something Fine.” (So far, I just have the title, which was an in-joke I once had with my former boss Teddy at Kinko’s. Sadly, he just died. But I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I found a new collaborator.)
  • A soldier goes to modern-day Afghanistan for some reason and realizes he wants to leave, because of all the current craziness. What does he need all of this madness for in his life? He only wants to sleep. (Just getting started on this one.)

For each of these manuscripts, I will give you what I have so far, along with an incredibly detailed outline — I have plenty of time, as I’m currently receiving workers’ comp (I was luckier than Teddy). You will do the same for your half-baked ideas. I’m sorry to be so brusque with you, but if we are to become literary partners, it’s better that you know my shortcomings from the very start. (For the record, I can also be sort of cheap.) For reasons I can’t get into, I must immediately end this correspondence. But I will not sign off without saying the following:

Mr. DeLillo — Don … I am a very sick man. I happen to suffer from a little disease called optimism. Is it catching? I hope so.

Your future partner in the words,

Rhon Penny

- – - – - – - – - -

Dear Family and Estate of John Updike:

I am a writer named Rhon Penny (silent h), and I am no longer married. I am writing to you, the legal custodian(s) of the complete works of John Updike, because I am seeking advice on how to take my (and John’s) career to the next level — the financial-wealth level.

Are you a fan of absurd questions? Good. Here’s one: Have you read the terrific 1979 novel “Flowers in the Attic”? Of course you have. Not that you even need reminding, but this is the book wherein a brother and sister are locked in an attic, and spend their days playing board games, reading old issues of National Geographic, and partaking in incest. It’s a lot of fun. You’re thinking: What the heck is Rhon getting at? Well, here’s a little secret: the author of this book, V. C. Andrews, died in 1986 … and yet, to this day, Miss Andrews still produces obscenely popular books under the V.C. Andrews brand! How in the world does V.C. do it? Guess what … she doesn’t! An alive writer does all of the writing for her! This is where I come into the picture.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but your father, John Updike, was known as “highfalutin.” Meaning, he tended to write books that most people didn’t “get” or “buy.” And that’s fine. Not everyone can be Judy Blume. Truly, you should not feel ashamed. There’s little doubt that if I had a menu filled with writers, your father would certainly be one of the main courses. Let’s face it, though: he would probably be something like pumpkin octopus risotto, or some other dish that sounds all fancy but no one ever orders.

A little bit about myself: I have more than 15 years of experience trying to get published, and by extension, much to offer you in your extended period of grief. Until recently, I worked at Kinko’s, and I am now on workers’ comp (yes, it was “alcohol-related”). I am a fan of body-switching movies and reruns of old game shows, and while I’ve never been a huge fan of your father’s work (too serious and stuck-up), I have a million ideas that just scream out “Put John Updike’s name on me!” As you can see from my following ideas list, I’m sort of going through a historical thing right now:

  • Has anyone written — I mean really written — about the Holocaust? Oh, sure, there have been books and movies and perhaps even a rap song, but has anyone penned a fancy book about the subject? My answer: I’m not sure. Here’s my idea: a novel set in Nazi Germany, about an adorable, wisecracking gerbil who lives inside a Jewish person’s skullcap (without that Jewish person’s knowledge or consent). The gerbil’s name will be Rosco.
  • Slavery has always bothered me slightly from a moral/ethical/historical perspective. But where to begin? This subject is, let’s admit it, a large one. How to tackle it? Where’s my “in”? Let me sleep on this one.
  • Bubonic plague holds a great fascination for me, as I’m sure it does for all of the Updikes. How awful would it have been for a child to be sleeping on his or her straw bed one day, and then the next, to be suffering from an awful bug-transported disease? How would this child have felt? Would it have coughed? Sneezed? Died? All three? This subject is ripe for further investigation. We can also include a scene involving Christmas, if you want the book to be extra, extra popular.

Now, I’ve been burned in the past by sending out detailed outlines, but for each of the above ideas I can certainly provide you with a hand-drawn illustration of what I am going for — as well as an ironclad promise that most of the action will take place in suburban Pennsylvania, with ample nudity. And that your father and/or husband, John Updike, will have “written it.” (Note the quotes.) Before we talk again, here are some additional ideas that I can’t wait to sink my (and your dead father’s) teeth into:

  • Did your father ever write an episode for a sitcom? How about a screenplay for a movie based on a TV show from the ’80s or ’90s? No? Let me write this for him.
  • Poetry slams were very exciting and hip a number of years back. Let’s take advantage of this.
  • Children’s literature is kind of hot right now. I was thinking that a “John Updike Presents” would be popular, and would be a terrific way to launch our new partnership. Just off the cuff: A boy wants to become a wizard at a magic school, but has to apply for financial aid. I would concentrate on the financial-aid part, and I’d really get into the nitty-gritty of how little wizard boys go about acquiring favorable financial-aid packages and such. And I do mean “as such.” But there really does have to be a signed contract before I get into the particulars …
  • Something to do with “electronic books.”

For reasons gastrointestinally based, I must end this correspondence immediately. But I will not leave you without quoting the following (seen on my therapist’s paperweight): Excuses are like butts. Everyone’s got ‘em, but I don’t necessarily want to see ‘em.

Please … no excuses. Or buts.

Your partner in literature,

Rhon Penny

Mike Sacks has written for the Believer, the New Yorker, Salon and Vanity Fair, among many other publications. He is currently on the editorial staff at Vanity Fair. “Your Wildest Dreams Within Reason” is his third book.

Queer as folk

Paul Lynde never officially came out -- but the "Hollywood Squares" star was the first TV personality to bring gay humor to the masses.

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Queer as folk

What took so long? In an age where celebrity biographies and memoirs outnumber actual celebrities, when even the life and career of Erik Estrada are deemed worthy of a 208-page meditation (opening line: “Any man’s beginning reaches back past his point of origin … to the deepest roots of his heritage”), how is it possible that the strange, sad life of legendary gay comic actor Paul Lynde (“Hollywood Squares,” “Bewitched,” “The Munsters,” and an untold number of variety shows) has not already been observed, analyzed and dissected through a rainbow-tinted lens?

Indeed, over the course of a 27-year career that was filled with many more downs than ups, Lynde did perhaps more than any other single celebrity to open America’s minds and hearts to the notion of a gay man cracking wise on a daily televised basis. Although he never officially came out, this Trojan horse in a silk shirt was a presence invited into millions of homes at a time when most weren’t exactly hoisting triangle flags for all their neighbors to see. Never merely a limp wrist for hire, somewhat arch and more than a little bitchy, and yet strangely likable, he was deemed “safe” for the whole family’s consumption, which only made his spicy dollops of gay wit dropped into the tasteless gruel that was 1970s TV that much more palatable for middle-American consumption. Exhibits A, B and C, from “Hollywood Squares,” circa 1974:

Peter Marshall (host): Is the electricity in your house A.C. or D.C.?
Lynde: In my house it’s both.

Marshall: True or false: Bob Hope and Jackie Gleason were recently seen in Central Park dressed as women.
Lynde (frightened): Was anyone else identified?

Marshall: In a recent column, Billy Graham said he would like to urge young people to reserve sex for the only place it belongs. Where is that?
Lynde (frightened): A state prison.

Now, nearly 24 years after his death at the age of 55, the man Mel Brooks once described as being capable of getting laughs by reading “a phone book, tornado alert, or seed catalogue” is at long last receiving the kind of serious attention that he always craved and felt he always deserved. “Center Square: The Paul Lynde Story,” by Steve Wilson and Joe Florenski, would surely have made the scion of Mount Vernon, Ohio proud — although, it’s safe to say, he would have been none too pleased with the photo of his obese younger self decked out in a snug Boy Scout uniform. Regardless, this frustrated character actor and bit player, this “Liberace without a piano,” has finally landed right where he always dreamed he would one day be: in the center of the stage, with the spotlight all to himself.

I spoke with Wilson and Florenski on the eve of their cross-country book tour. In appropriate fashion, a “Paul Lynde impersonator” was invited to join the biographers on their odyssey, but he was deemed too “difficult” and subsequently dropped from the bill.

What happened with the impersonator?

Steve Wilson: Joe and I contacted him to do a little routine with us for the tour, but he had all sorts of demands, like airfare for his makeup person. Would the real Paul have been so difficult to work with? Most likely. So it was kind of fitting.

What made you want to research Paul Lynde in the first place? You’re both in your mid-30s and were quite young when Paul was in his prime.

S.W.: I only vaguely remember seeing him on “Hollywood Squares,” but I watched a lot of “Bewitched” and caught [the 1973 animated feature based on E.B. White's book] “Charlotte’s Web” more than once, too. I never knew that the character of Uncle Arthur and the voice of Templeton the rat were the same man until a roommate gave me the Paul Lynde lowdown. I realized what a lingering impression Paul left on me over the years, and I became even more fascinated when I started looking into his life.

Joe Florenski: That’s more or less the same for me. I started researching him out of boredom and couldn’t believe so little had been written about him.

Why do you think this is the case? The biographical terrain is pretty well trampled on when it comes to celebrities, well-known or otherwise. While there have been a few articles on Paul Lynde over the years, there’s been nothing at all in-depth.

J.F.: I dug up a lot of minor profiles in publications like Weight Watchers magazine, but that was about it. Though Paul was huge on “Hollywood Squares,” to most people he was just a character actor on a daytime game show, not worthy of the same kind of ink reserved for movie stars. To many gay people, his reputation fared even worse. In some ways, he came to symbolize what’s perceived to be a self-loathing era for gay culture.

S.W.: That was one of the reasons we wanted to write the book, to help restore his standing, at least a little bit. Paul not only made a great and singular contribution to pop culture, but his going out there every day on “Squares” and bringing gay humor to the masses was heroic, even if it was largely unintentional.

What do you mean by unintentional? Was he not aware of his role as a gay icon?

S.W.: If anything, he felt like a gay whipping boy. Bad choice of words there. The friends we interviewed said Paul felt stigmatized by the industry about being gay. And by “unintentional” I mean that he got very fed up with “Squares” and after a while, through a combination of the writers getting more risqué as the ’70s wore on and Paul not caring one way or the other, he gradually let his guard down. Eventually, his gayness became incredibly obvious. His jokes came straight from gay culture, but mainstream America back then had practically nil exposure to that world.

It’s been said that Paul blamed his gayness for his lack of career advancement, but isn’t this the sole reason we know him today? The material that he was saddled with was lousy, by and large. And yet his “gay oriented” jokes on “Squares” were really quite edgy for the time.

J.F.: Well, he also blamed network stupidity, bad scripts, his drinking problem and, most embarrassingly, Jews for his career never taking off. But yeah, it’s interesting that his queerness gave him a certain edge and fueled his comedy even as it held him back.

Going back to “Hollywood Squares” — much as Paul hated being on that game show, it seems that this really was the best outlet for him.

J.F.: The host of the show, Peter Marshall, makes a good point in our book about a little bit of Lynde going a long way; too much of him was overkill. That helps explain why Paul’s sitcoms never went anywhere, but why his zingers on “Squares” got him so much notice — pretty much solid raves from the get-go, from both the audience and the producers. He was an immediate smash. He was 40, by the way, and the veteran of many failures, when he first appeared on “Hollywood Squares.”

It might surprise a lot of people to know that most, if not all, of Paul’s zingers were scripted by writers. You make it clear in the book that Paul wasn’t very adept at improvising.

S.W.: The writers on “Squares” took great pains to pen jokes in Paul’s voice. But there’s a lot to be said for what Paul’s great delivery did for those lines. They would have sounded mighty lame coming from anyone else. And he did have his moments of ad lib brilliance too, like the time he was presenting with a female chimp in a skirt at the 1972 Emmys and he chastised her with, “You forgot to use your Feminique [douche].”

Also, keep in mind that he might have been a better improviser if the standards of the day had allowed him to joke around as he did so effortlessly in real life. I think living in the closet for so long may have clamped him up. There was one time when he showed up to dedicate a new high school in his hometown of Mount Vernon, Ohio, and panicked when the organizers expected him to speak for 30 minutes without any prepared material. He was probably more afraid of what offensiveness might have come out of his mouth than anything else.

I’ve seen a few bootlegs of the failed sitcoms in which Paul starred as the leading man. Peter Marshall was right about a little going a long way. Watching the shows was like staring directly at the sun or eating a large bag of candy. It was all too much. I felt a bit dizzy and nauseated.

J.F.: We have a higher Paul tolerance than most, but it’s true, his manic approach really did only work in small doses. In the [short-lived 1972 sitcom] “The Paul Lynde Show,” for instance, who’s going to believe him as a family man for a whole half-hour every week? (Though he did get off some funny lines on that show, and many of them he wrote himself, or so he claimed.) That’s why he was great as Uncle Arthur on “Bewitched” and the father in “Bye Bye Birdie” and Templeton the rat in “Charlotte’s Web.” He was just in and out at the right moments.

Here’s something shocking: Paul was on “Bewitched” only a total of 11 times. I thought he appeared much more frequently. Again, a small dose of Lynde went a very long way.

J.F.: Right, it is surprising that he was only on the show 11 times. His presence was very strong. He guest-starred on one “Bewitched” as Sam’s driving instructor and hit it off so well with Elizabeth Montgomery that her producer husband, William Asher, created the Arthur role for him. The three of them hung out together and became friends off the set. Asher, by the way, told us he bailed Paul out of jail on the night of one of his most notorious episodes.

What happened?

J.F.: Paul got pulled over for a DUI and told the cop who came up to his car window: “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries!”

Is that story true? Paul’s misdeeds have become legendary, and many are still recounted in Hollywood. I wonder how many of them are tethered in any way to reality.

S.W.: We had lots of sources for that story. Paul even used to brag about it. Police records backed up other stories, like the Jim Davidson episode. He and the young actor went to San Francisco to party for the weekend and Jim got drunk and fell out their hotel window. It never became a big scandal, but it probably ruined Paul’s chances of getting a few projects off the ground.

J.F.: Another notorious Paul story that turned out to be true was the time he was on an airplane and a little girl was running up and down the aisle, making a lot of noise. He grabbed her and then shouted at her mother: “You keep this little girl quiet or I’m gonna fuck her!”

Not exactly the stuff comedy legends are made of.

S.W.: It worked for Paul. As we dug around for the truth behind other stories, we came to realize that Paul really lends himself well to tall tales. He’s sort of a gay folk hero that way. As an example, we talked to a writer who wrote a short story in which Paul slaps a character while they’re making love and says: “When you get fucked by Lynde, baby, you keep your eyes open!” It was pure fiction, but it just sounds so much like Paul that other people we talked to thought it was real.

Is there a comic actor who’s famous for doing less? In a sense, Paul always played himself. Whether he was a warlock or an animated rat he was always the same character: “Paul Lynde.” He didn’t exactly stretch his acting chops.

J.F.: But isn’t that the case with most movie and TV actors, no matter how famous they are? Also, Paul’s persona had much more dimension to it, not just the tight grin and the weird asthmatic laugh and the nasally voice, but also a poignant vulnerability underneath all the anger. You always felt sympathy for this raging ineffectual. He based it on people he grew up with in Ohio, and he spent so many years perfecting it that you can’t blame him for clinging to it. Plus, it worked for him. It really hit a chord with audiences, and other entertainers ripped off different elements of it — Charles Nelson Reilly is a big one; he took the laugh.

Most comedians and comic actors are angry, and if they’re not, they’re usually Paul Reiser. But Paul Lynde seemed to be a special case. Where do you think this rage came from and how did it fuel his comedy?

S.W.: He had a lot stacked against him, especially growing up. He was a fat kid. Classmates, as well as his brothers, picked on him. His mother was loving, but his father not so much. Meanwhile, everybody in town thought he was a freak for putting on backyard shows and marching around in the dresses he found in the attics of friends’ houses. He made the best of it by becoming a class clown, but when comedy is a defense mechanism like that, it’s bound to be mean. After college, he didn’t get any decent parts for years, and the stress and frustration of that just made matters worse.

You interviewed a lot of his friends for the book, but not too many family members. Were they uncooperative?

J.F.: In a sense. His direct relatives died by the time we started the book, and they likely wouldn’t have been too helpful anyway. An “A&E Biography” special that we helped out with apparently miffed Paul’s sister just before she died. She wrote a letter taking the producers to task for purporting — gasp! — that Paul was gay. The extended family seemed to have the same qualms when we tried to talk to them, so it didn’t work out.

At the end of his life, Paul seemed to be getting his act together. And yet he became something of a loner. He kicked booze and drugs, but would spend his days filling out crossword puzzles, and most of his social interaction was hosting dinner parties for his close friends during which he would apologize for his past offenses.

S.W.: He hinted to a few friends about some event that finally pushed him over the edge and made him realize he had to kick his habits, but he wouldn’t say specifically what it was. It could have been the time he got banned from Northwestern, his alma mater, for spouting incredibly racist comments at a black man standing behind him at a local Burger King. The man turned out to be a Northwestern professor. Or it could have been maybe something much quieter. Whatever the case, he gave up booze, but going cold turkey may have been too much of a shock to the system, because he died about a year later.

Did he ever officially come out, even to friends near the end?

J.F.: To his friends, sure he did. But he kept a fairly rigid line between his gay friends and his celebrity friends, rarely mixing the two except when he might bring a fling along on a “Squares” junket or the like. Publicly, he still kept himself in the closet, but just barely by the end. A 1976 article in People came the closest of any mainstream media in outing him. It featured pics of him with Stan Finesmith, his “chauffeur-bodyguard,” who, according to the article’s photo caption, also doubled as his “hair stylist and suite mate.”

I suppose it’s only fair to ask if he could ever really be considered a gay hero if he never officially came out.

J.F.: I’ve personally never considered Paul a gay hero. True, in his own way, he played a part in gay liberation, but it’s not like he led the Stonewall Riots. Had he lived longer, maybe he’d have outed himself on the cover of a magazine. But if he had come out, it would probably have meant the further end of his career, as in putting the nail in its coffin. That would have been that.

Rumors have circulated about Paul’s death for years. Your book puts an end to them.

J.F.: People have said things like a hustler left the vicinity the night of Paul’s death with a big stash of loot, leaving Paul dead and naked. But the more we looked into it, the more it all adds up to a heart attack, just like the coroner’s report says. He died at almost the same age as his father and for the same reason. With the way he lived, it’s kind of surprising he didn’t have a heart attack sooner.

How do you think Paul would have fared today? Although he complained about not achieving more fame through movies and leading roles, he was lucky to be around during the zenith of game shows and variety shows, the last vestiges of vaudeville. He was able to shine in both settings.

J.F.: If he’d survived the ’80s, he could have easily cashed in on the celebrity cookbook craze or become a game show host. I could see him with his own daytime talk show in the ’90s, when that was big.

S.W.: Yes, and these days he’d be great in a reality show. He could host a dinner party each week and tell everybody off. And, of course, as an elder statesman of gay TV, he could easily get a supporting or recurring role on any one of the many gay-themed shows out there today. Maybe as the DJ on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.”

And his legacy?

J.F.: For most people Paul is just a funny footnote of TV history. Like a character in the new “Bewitched” movie or as the butt of jokes on cartoons like “The Simpsons,” “SpongeBob SquarePants,” and “American Dad.” But it’s not a stretch to say “Will & Grace,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and other gay television shows are Paul’s legacy. Way before any of them, Paul was getting away with being gay on a daily basis on TV — an unheard of feat back then.

S.W.: But here’s something sad: The sign proclaiming Mount Vernon, Ohio, as the birthplace of Paul Lynde was recently changed to read: “Home of Daniel Decatur Emmett, Author of [the song] ‘Dixie.’” Maybe we can start a petition to get the old sign back. Or, at the very least, to hold a Paul Lynde day.

With the Paul Lynde impersonator as honorary mayor?

S.W.: The town would never be the same!

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