Peter Y. Sussman

Tuesday, Sep 4, 2001 7:31 PM UTC

Earthlink, do you read me?

Welcome to the 10th circle of hell: ISP tech support.

By Peter Y. Sussman

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- All Share Services

What follows is an actual exchange of e-mail between me, a real person, and various people and/or machines at Internet service provider Earthlink, whose corporate family includes a number of other e-mail providers that it has gobbled up in recent years. One of the gobbled and only partially digested companies is Mindspring. The companies appear to have separate phone numbers and domain names, but they share some billing functions.

This exchange of messages has been edited only for clarity and privacy. Eliminated, for instance, is some of the e-mail “header” clutter, as well as the previous messages in sequences that, in keeping with e-mail protocol, were strung at the end of each reply. Presumed time zones have been added to some messages that didn’t arrive with them.

The messages started with an e-mail invoice from Earthlink/Mindspring, informing me that my credit card had been charged $4.95 for Web space and $1 for something called “paper invoice.” I was inspired to write to the Internet behemoth by the following paragraph on the invoice:

If you think there is an error on your invoice, please write to us via email at invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com or US mail at the address above within 30 days of the invoice date to dispute the erroneous charge.

We’ll be happy to clarify your invoice or correct any erroneous charges.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 21:28:05 -0700 [PDT]
To: invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read”
Cc:

Why do I keep getting these bills? I have an Earthlink account, too, but this bill is for the Mindspring account (pys@mindspring), which is a remnant of the sale of my old ISP to Earthlink. The Mindspring account is not and has never been a fully operational email address or account, it is only for mail forwarding to my Earthlink account, which is pys1@earthlink.net. The only charge on this account was to be the initial $15 for six months of forwarding. That was charged to me in early May.

Please explain, and please straighten this out. There should be no charges that I know of on my Mindspring account after the initial fee.

Peter Sussman

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 00:53:41 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>Subject: Thank you for Contacting EarthLink Customer Service (KMM4382262V27130L0KM)
From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

You can reach a variety of automated tools, as well as links to our online chat representatives, at your Personal Support Center:http://start.earthlink.net/

Click on the Support tab.

The Personal Support Center contains several tools: address change/ plan change/ method of payment/ mailbox maintenance and much more to help manage your EarthLink account more effectively.

To hear an up-to-date message naming all known system outages, call (800)

719-4660 option #1

Thank you for using EarthLink.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 00:59:14 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4410648V13713L0KM)
From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

If you could please provide me with your account number, so I can be of some assistance to you.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,

Josh H.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 23:02:18 -0700 [PDT]
To: service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4410648V13713L0KM)

The account number is right there on the email I received (see end of message): XXXXXXX. That’s also my Earthlink account number, I think. The Mindspring account forwarding is supposed to be detailed in case no. 25632510.

Peter

- – - – - – - – - – - -

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 01:32:27 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4424660V2276L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

We will be more than happy to do this for you. However due to security reasons you will need to contact us at 1-800-719-4660, option 2. When you call please have your secret word and/or last 4 digits of your credit card available so we can confirm your identity.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 23:55:01 -0700 [PDT]
To: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4424660V2276L0KM)

Is that absolutely necessary? Even in the middle of the night the wait on hold is more than 20 minutes.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 03:04:49 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4425104V7804L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

We apologize for the confusion, but we did not understand the nature of your question. Earthlink handles all billing. Earthlink and Mindspring are the same company. Again we apologize, and thank you for your patience.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 00:18:38 -0700 [PDT]
To: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4425104V7804L0KM)

I think you STILL don’t understand the nature of the question. I apparently am being billed for a MINDSPRING account (pys@mindspring) on which I owe NOTHING.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com”
<invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 05:43:07 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4425506V17118L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

You have no account, with Mindspring or with Earthlink?

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 10:27:29 -0700 [PDT]
To: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4425506V17118L0KM)

Why can’t you get this straight? Did you read my original message? Look down below in this lengthy correspondence to see it.

In answer to your question: I have a Mindspring account (pys@mindspring.com) that I was assigned when Earthlink bought my previous ISP (Sirius, which in turn had been bought by FirstWorld). But I ALREADY HAD an Earthlink account, pys1@earthlink.net. So I arranged for the Mindspring account to be a forwarding-only, six-month, one-payment account that I cannot use or log into in any other way; it simply forwards mail from my previous ISP to my Earthlink account. The one-time-only payment was made when the account was switched to a forwarding-only account. As it says below, that Mindspring forwarding account is supposed to be detailed in your records, case no. 25632510. Please check the documentation. It is that account on which I keep getting billed $5.95 a month, according to the bill that you can read below.

Are you pulling my leg or trying to respond to my request? If you are really interested in resolving this issue, please check the full message below, from bottom to top. Your responses are starting to read like a very bad nightclub comedy act. Your questions sound like you are either on autopilot or haven’t read my messages before responding.

Thank you, Peter Sussman

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 23:26:27 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4435329V80992L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 23:36:37 -0700 [PDT]
To: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4435329V80992L0KM)

You’ve got to be kidding. Am I talking with a person or a machine? This is the same stock answer you sent me several messages ago. Then, when I protested, you sent me a message apologizing for your confusion. Now we’re back to repeating old messages. We’re going around in circles here. I feel like a character in a novel by Kafka.

Peter Sussman

- – - – - – - – - – - -

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 05:41:02 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4438750V3366L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

We are unable to determine the nature of your inquiry from your email communication. Will you kindly resubmit your question so that we may assist you.

We welcome the opportunity to be of service to you.

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 10:21:03 -0700 [PDT]
To: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com
From: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4438750V3366L0KM)

You asked me to resubmit my question. Can’t you go back to the beginning of this message? Perhaps whatever machine is reading this message can refer it to a human being? OK, here is my question, cut and pasted from the material at the bottom of the message you sent me:

[Here, for typographical clarity, the reader will have to visualize long strings of characters that look like this: > > > > > >.]

Please explain, and please straighten this out. There should be no charges that I know of on my Mindspring account after the initial fee.

Peter Sussman

- – - – - – - – - – - -

[partial message:]

To: “Peter Y. Sussman” <peter@psussman.com>From: “invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com” <invoice.inquiry@mindspring.com>

This automated message is to inform you that we have received your email. This is not a response to your inquiry.

You should be receiving a personal response from one of our representatives as soon as possible. We answer all questions in the order in which they were received.

- – - – - – - – - – - -

Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 00:26:41 -0400 [EDT]
To: “Peter Y. Sussman” peter@psussman.com
Subject: Re: “EarthLink Invoice #48021202, Please Read” (KMM4490730V43956L0KM)
From: “service@mindspring.com” service@mindspring.com

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Earthlink Customer Service.

You are receiving seperate [sic] invoices for both accounts?

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you,
Chris P.
ECS Representative
EarthLink Customer Service
service@mindspring.com

#1 Provider of the Real Internet

Email Case ID: H 1764880

- – - – - – - – - – - -

On July 27, I received my credit card statement, with the $5.95 Earthlink charge, confirming that the amount on the e-mailed invoice for my Mindspring account had indeed been charged to my credit card. That evening, I called Earthlink customer service, negotiating my way for a few minutes through various promotional and informational messages and phone-tree branches. When I finally got to the branch I wanted — billing inquiries — I half-heard a recorded apology — something about an unusual number of inquiries. I waited for another 15 minutes or so until a real person answered.

The real person patiently heard out my complaint and then said he wasn’t sure if his computer had access to that account. But after much audible clicking of keys, the real person finally found the Mindspring account in question. He began explaining that the MasterCard charge was for Web space.

“But I have no Web space on that account,” I began to reply. “It’s purely a forwarding address for which I paid a one-time-only $15 fee, which was charged to my MasterCard when the account was …”

Suddenly, I became aware of a telephone “busy signal.”

“Hello?” I said.

“Hello?”

Tuesday, Oct 24, 2000 7:30 PM UTC

How stupid can an e-mail program be?

Eudora's MoodWatch feature presumes to judge the offensiveness of my language.

By Peter Y. Sussman

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I am hot, hot, hot. I am indebted to Qualcomm Inc., the purveyor of Eudora Pro, for alerting me to the appalling depravity of my racy life.

I recently downloaded version 5.0 of the popular e-mail program — paying, as usual, for added features that I never knew I needed. (Such is the guilt of the techno-challenged.)

Among the expensive new features in version 5.0 is something called MoodWatch — available, as luck would have it, only in “Sponsored and Paid Modes.” The latter is a category designating fools like me. As the online manual describes this feature, “MoodWatch [whatever happened to the concept of spaces between words?] is a new Eudora feature that monitors incoming and outgoing messages for offensive text. A new settings dialog has been added for MoodWatch so you can determine how you wish to use MoodWatch,” which, one is informed, “works similarly to a spell-checker,” scanning words and phrases in e-mail messages and headers and flagging those that “may be offensive.”

The feature bears some graphic resemblance to a slot machine, with iconic drawings of vegetables instead of fruit. A new column appears in all e-mail logs alerting the user to “the level of offensiveness” of messages by the appearance of “one, two, or three red chili peppers.” One chili, says the manual, indicates that there “may be a slight bit of offensive language in the message.” I’m not certain what constitutes a slight bit of offensive language. Perhaps it’s the salutation “Hi, honey” in a letter to a female friend. In any case, it’s a tamer category than two chilies, which is still conditional but somewhat more emphatic: “There may be offensive language [not just a slight bit of it] in the message.”

Three chilies and you’ve stepped way over the line, buddy. It means “there is offensive language in the message,” no “may be” about it. This kind of outgoing message triggers a “three chili warning dialog box,” says the manual.

The three-chili dialogue box is a pseudo-hip yet quaintly old-fashioned reminder that I have succumbed to the temper of these licentious times. It reads: “Your message to [recipient] regarding [subject line] is the sort of thing that might get your keyboard washed out with soap, if you get my drift. You might consider toning it down.” I do relish the anthropomorphism of software that refers to itself in the first person, but the message sets off a higher level of paranoia: There’s someone hovering above my e-mail messages hinting with his or her “drift” that I’m getting out of line again. To send that message despite its patently offensive text, I’d have to click on “send anyway,” which, I confess, I am tempted to do with a wicked chuckle. Mind you, these are messages we ourselves were dumb enough to compose and send before Qualcomm Inc., with its innate good taste, intervened in the interests of decency.

As a writer, I have a silly and sentimental attachment to my own words, offensive or otherwise. Fortunately, there’s a software fix for those who remain attached to their own offensiveness. I immediately clicked on the box in “Options” that disables MoodWatch, and went about my business. But Qualcomm did not so easily relinquish its vigil over the language of my correspondents. No dialogue box popped up when I sent messages, but incoming messages continued to arrive labeled with chilies. I tried eliminating the MoodWatch columns individually in each of my mailboxes by dragging the column lines together, leaving no room for the chilies, but the next time I opened a mailbox, the column would be resized to its original width to accommodate the chilies, which had also returned.

What were my naughty friends saying that so offended the refined taste of my corporate guardian angel? I checked a few of the many messages in my mailboxes that were conspicuously labeled with those bright red chilies (even after I had turned off MoodWatch).

Three chilies: I think I get the drift of this one. An elderly friend sent me a message with background information for a book I’m writing that contained a reference to the so-called Filthy Speech Movement at the University of California at Berkeley in the mid-’60s. His message included the words “fuck, fuck, fuck.” Perhaps Qualcomm Inc. gave it one chili for each use of the filthy word.

I subscribe to one of those “word a day” e-mail services. A message from this service also merited the coveted three-chili rating. The word that day was “coxcomb (KOKS-kom), noun,” and the service gave its derivation as from the Middle English “cokkes comb, crest of a cock: cokkes, genitive of cok.” The second definition listed was “A jester’s cap; a cockscomb.” Qualcomm Inc. saw right through that transparent attempt by lexicographers to disguise a penis by adding the “comb” suffix.

Two chilies: A friend sent me a column from the New York Times about capital punishment. Actually, here I side with Qualcomm Inc. I wish others were as aware as this corporation is of the offensiveness of the death penalty. But I do wonder what specifically it was about the columnist’s discussion of that barbaric practice that set Qualcomm’s sensitive antennae aquiver.

One chili: Here my analytical powers are not up to the challenge of recognizing offensiveness when I see it on my own, without the aid of chili icons. One-chili messages included one from a friend alerting me to an upcoming documentary on healthcare, another from a neighbor discussing an error in our property taxes and a mass mailing from CNet’s computers.com. I haven’t a clue why these messages were considered potentially offensive enough to merit a chili, except possibly for the last one, which did tout an article on “giant hard drives, and whiz-bang gizmos.” I will read that article with new enthusiasm to learn some of the latest salacious news about these monstrous hard drives and gizmos. For shame, CNet!

I decided to do a few tests. I turned on (so to speak) the MoodWatch option and sent myself messages in which I called myself a “shit head” and a “shithead.” Sure enough, they rated three chilies — though sometimes, inexplicably, the “shithead” spelling sneaked through undetected. Then I turned off MoodWatch and resent the same messages. They arrived with no chilies whatsoever! How come my friends can send me messages about property taxes and TV shows that merit a chili even after I’ve disabled MoodWatch, but I can’t set off this sensitive barometer by calling myself a shithead? What does this say about the twisted mind that controls my software and my every exchange of deceptively innocent messages?

I tried another experiment. What if I quoted the words of our family-values Republican nominee for president? I sent myself a message with the following text: “There’s Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.” With MoodWatch enabled, the words of the Republican nominee were three-chili offensive. With Moodwatch turned off, the ever-quotable George W. Bush was only a one-chili offender.

I also tried testing various racial epithets. Some slurs drew three-chili ratings. Others sailed through without the company’s detecting that “there may be a slight bit of offensive language.” Tell that to a person on the receiving end of the slur — especially if the word is delivered as a slur.

And isn’t that the point? There is no way to program into a machine the complex sensibilities or robust creativity of the human heart and mind — with this or any other software program. So much depends on context and individual personality and tone of voice. It’s not a matter of any particular word that should be added to or subtracted from the program’s database. The very act of attaching chili icons to e-mail messages has as much cultural utility as pinning paper tails on paper donkeys. Moreover, it’s dangerous. If library patrons are prevented by software from reading anything containing the word “breast,” they will learn nothing about breast cancer, and if adults in their own homes and offices are cautioned by their software every time they write or read a word like “fuck,” they too will be diminished by the tools they rely on to learn and communicate.

Words become offensive by the nature of the attention that is paid to them. When a corporation tacks a chili onto this or that word in an e-mail message or builds a software barrier around a word on a Web site, it invites writers and readers to consider the word one-dimensionally, with only the meaning and intent that the corporation has interpreted as offensive. It’s Qualcomm Inc., not I, that is pointing leeringly at those words in my e-mail. Qualcomm’s single-minded focus invests those words with the prurience that it then claims to find objectionable. Now, that is offensive.

Yearning to get rid of those damned chilies, I e-mailed Eudora tech support, presuming on my elite “Paid Mode” status. But the money I paid apparently didn’t qualify me for a reply — certainly not a rapid reply. I’ve heard nothing in the two weeks since I sent my plaintive appeal to tech support.

I do wish I could find some way to escape the heavy breathing of my prurient e-mail program. If you ask me, Qualcomm Inc. has a software bug up its [three chilies].

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