Salon.com > Theresa Fisher

The 10 nerdiest jokes of all time

Mon, 01 Jul 2013 23:15:00 +0000

Philosophers are hilarious (it's practically axiomatic). Courtesy of this "intellectual joke" thread on Reddit, here are 10 (almost) one-liners ideal for dominating parties (well, maybe a sherry tasting at Frasier's or at a meeting of the the New Inquiry, the New York Times' favorite literary rabble-rousers).

1. This should elicit at least a polite "heh" from people who relish the chance to explain the semantic difference between solipsism and narcissism (or egoism), which of course means anyone who can:

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

2. Is there ever a wrong moment to make an existential funny?

"Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.' The waitress replies, I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'"

Seven famous apologies that were just as bad as Serena’s

Thu, 20 Jun 2013 00:19:00 +0000

After "Rolling Stone" quoted Serena Williams blaming the 16-year-old girl victim in the Stuebenville rape case, the tennis star issued a statement that fell short of a sincere apology, or anything resembling one. Rather than own her remarks or express genuine repentance, Williams interspersed her statement with burden-shifting qualifiers, placing herself on a long list of public figures whose poorly crafted, transparent attempts to rectify lies, stupid gaffes and serious moral transgressions would surely make Aristotle weep.

Cringe-worthy mea culpas have become something of a regular occurrence, but Chris Brown ranks high on the growing list of famous people who don't seem to understand the basic elements of an apology. Over the last four years, the 24-year-old R&B artist has repeatedly squandered second chances he doesn't deserve after physically abusing on-again-off-again girlfriend Rihanna, and generally acting like a sociopath.

Pic of the day: No fun

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 23:07:00 +0000

The Group of Eight gathered in Northern Ireland on Monday for the 39th annual summit, where the Syrian conflict topped the agenda. This pic, from Reuters, captured the mood:

[embedtweet id="346738655546716160"]

Wal-Mart to lean on temp workers

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 22:32:00 +0000

First it broke its ban on Bangladeshi garment factories. Now comes news that Wal-Mart is increasingly relying on temporary workers to staff its U.S. stores.

A new Reuters report reveals that 20 of 52 surveyed outlets are only hiring temps, an abrupt departure from company policy. (Typically, the behemoth retailer recruits temps during the busy holiday shopping season). Wal-Mart's U.S. chief executive Bill Simon has confirmed the increase in temp workers, internally called "flexible associates," but company spokesman David Tovar denies that Wal-Mart is ratcheting up its temp workforce to cut costs.

A treat fit for Freud: Breast-milk lollipops

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 23:25:00 +0000

Are you a man or woman-child mired in an unresolved oral fixation? If so, then Lollyphile has just the confection for you. As of June 3, the lollipop company is offering an assortment of new flavors including Absinthe, Horchata and more mind-blowing still, breast milk.

Lollyphile owner Jason Darling says he got the idea for a breast milk-flavored sucker after watching his friends' babies relax during their mammary gland-derived meals. "What slowly dawned on me," he noted in a press release, "was that my friends were actually producing milk so delicious it could turn a screaming, furious child into a docile, contented one. I knew I had to capture that flavor."