Fox News doesn’t just bring hard-hitting stories to the gullible and elderly about how Santa Claus is white and how NYC public schools teach people how to abandon their babies. It also offers sex advice (!) with its column titled Fox on Sex. As you might imagine, many of these “sexpert” tips are thinly veiled bouts of sexism and hackneyed gender stereotypes, but sometimes they are also just plain hilarious. Here are some of our favorite Fox News tips for your love life.
“Caught up in their roles, lovers are given the perfect excuse to check out often taboo areas of the body or explore them as never before. How can he refuse the prostate ‘exam’ from his hot-to-trot doctor? How can she not bend over to make sure that everything is A-OK down there?”
Got it. Uninvited rectal exams are A-OK as long as you do so while wearing scrubs.
2. Pranks that will spice up your love life (Fox removed this after it was published, but thankfully it lives on the internet)
“Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.”
This is also a really good test to determine whether or not you’re dating a third grader.
“Spend a little ‘mad’ money on yourself. … Take the time to discover what turns you on, from silky-smooth satin pajamas to a Victorian bustier.”
If you’re bored with your partner, it’s most definitely because you don’t have enough exciting underwear or immobilizing corsets. “Mad” money indeed.
"Sex is like cooking … The end result can be delicious, but it's important to savor the steps along the way."
You’re right! I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I’m just going to peel 700 potatoes. It’s the journey, not the destination!
“If you just met, don’t let your bodies touch. You’re after a kiss, not sexual harassment charges.”
You don’t understand, Officer -- her breasts touched my sweatervest! Take her away.
The author is also vehemently opposed to lip gloss and ChapStick: “The scent or texture of such goop can evoke dry heaving more than the desire for dry humping.”
We’re personally not wild about flavored lips, but a mild cherry scent is certainly not going to make us vomit on a stranger. You’d think the would-be kisser had smeared week-old tuna casserole on his or her lips and then lunged for your face.
“Always ask to see ID and carry a condom. Enough said.”
Ask to see an ID? Because you’re trolling for tail at a Justin Bieber concert?
“Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more than your appreciation and respect for their hard work.”
Is that why he finger-painted our grocery list on the fridge in Nutella?
“Nothing invigorates you — or your sex life — like the novel ...”
Finally, someone takes seriously the erotic potential of Tolstoy’s War and Peace! Oh.
“...The best part about this is that that can be almost anything in and out of the bedroom. Just remember to check your state’s laws regarding public nudity, use of sex toys, sodomy.”
It’s like they say: A vibrator is between you and the terrible person who would turn you into the police for owning one. (Read more terrible sex laws here).
“Rather than rummaging under the car seat for quarters to make that five bucks she needs for gas, give her a ten ‘just in case’ and don’t sweat the change. Sure, you might give up your double shot caramel grande because of it. But suck it up cappuccino-boy, because this will give you Trump-like credit for later.”
Ten whole dollars! Why, Cappuccino-Boy, you shouldn’t have. I shall use this bounty to scooter my way up a dozen more blocks at least!
“The sumptuous paintings and sculptures of Georgia O'Keefe at the O'Keefe Gallery in Santa Fe or at any number of other museums are a reminder of how sexy it can be to go to an art museum with your partner and revel in the rich hues and sensual shapes. Admiring her often erotic work (Are those flowers or...) will likely leave you hankering to get a look at your own private model when you get back home to your ‘studio.’"
No disrespect to Ms. O’Keefe or anything, but they are fucking flowers, and if you don’t know what your own vagina (excuse me “private model”) looks like, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands.
But, please, do go on:
“Or, if art isn't really your thing, how about food? Eating street food all along the narrow alleyways of Macau is a remarkably sexy experience. Slurping noodles, nibbling dumplings, eating foods you don't recognize.”
Nothing is sexier than getting amoebic dysentery from some back alley meat-on-a-stick. And sentence fragments.
“Diego Rivera had Frida Kahlo, Salvador Dali had Gala, and Pablo Picasso had, well, a lot of women. Point being, the primal release of slathering a canvas with pigment releases something in a man.”
Is it ejaculate?
We also think that the author’s manly painting advice sort of contradicts his claim earlier in the article that brunch is for pansies:
"’Let's do brunch,’ you say. Splendid, he thinks. And afterward, we can go antiquing before stopping by a department store for a refreshing spritz of summer perfume! Right. … So decamp to your local barbecue joint … and as he powers through wet wipes and drains his brew, his defenses will drop.”
Brunch is so emasculating! Please pass me another moist towelette.