(Comedy Central)

7 worst right-wing moments of the week — Fox News melts down over "Colbert" finale

Greg Gutfeld has trouble hiding his disdain for Colbert, while Ann Coulter says more horrific things about rape


Janet Allon
December 23, 2014 1:25AM (UTC)
This article originally appeared on AlterNet.

AlterNet1. Antonin Scalia: Torturing convicts is a no-go, but torturing suspects is A-OK.

Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia was asked this week by the BBC about the CIA’s fully exposed use of torture in the years after the 9/11 attacks, and he found, shall we say, some rather interesting hairs to split.

Advertisement:

“We have laws against torture,” Scalia said. (Whew.) But then he added, “The Constitution says nothing whatever about torture. It speaks of punishment; ‘cruel and unusual’ punishments are forbidden.”

“So torture is forbidden, in that case?” his interlocutor asked.

“If it’s imposed as a punishment, yes,” Scalia responded. “If you condemn someone who has committed a crime to be tortured, that would be unconstitutional.”

Advertisement:

OK, good. But notice how it seems to leave a bit of an opening for torture. That’s not a mistake. When Scalia is asked about torture as a tool for interrogation, his tune changes: “We have never held that that’s contrary to the Constitution. And I don’t know what provision of the Constitution that would contravene.”

Uh oh.

“Listen, I think it is very facile for people to say, ‘Oh, torture is terrible.’ You posit the situation where a person that you know for sure knows the location of a nuclear bomb that has been planted in Los Angeles and will kill millions of people. You think it’s an easy question? You think it’s clear that you cannot use extreme measures to get that information out of that person? I don’t think that’s so clear at all.

“And once again, it’s this sort of self-righteousness of European liberals who answer that question so readily and so easily. It’s not that easy a question.”

There you have it, you European liberals always unreasonably saying never to torture people. It's fine to torture some people, sometimes. Just not convicts.

Advertisement:

2. Fox Newsian: No fair. Colbert got rich off of our idiocy.

A shocking outbreak of truthiness and Christmas spirit occurred on Fox News on Friday. The Five gang was sitting around acknowledging that Colbert’s finale was pretty darn impressive. Among the things they marveled at was Henry Kissinger’s presence on the show and Kareem Abdul Jabar’s height.

Advertisement:

“It was an epic send-off,” co-host Eric Bolling said amongst the sparkling commentary, “one of the best I’ve ever seen.”

“Very fun,” former Bush administration press officer Dana Perino agreed. “I thought it would have been great to have Bill O’Reilly on there.”

Yes, Papa Bear was sorely missed. Then again, he is probably licking his wounds over all the blows Colbert has landed over the years.

Advertisement:

“It was fine,” said Greg Gutfeld. “But he should really write an eight-figure check to Fox News because all of our gaffes made that man’s career.”

Yup. He said that. Interesting that he calls them “gaffes.” Guess that’s his word for a relentless, years-long campaign of hate-spewing, truth-distorting bile, racism, spiteful misinformation, victim-blaming, and anti-intellectualism that has done real and lasting damage to actual people and set the country back a few decades and deepened its divisions.

3. Ann Coulter: Women who are raped just want attention.

Advertisement:

Ann Coulter says she does not know anyone who has been raped. Odd, isn’t it. You’d think she’d be the warm and fuzzy female friend many a woman would turn to after a traumatizing event. Last week, the conservative radio personality appeared on the Lars Larson Show and asserted that the whole campus rape thing is an invented problem, and the Rolling Stone story proves it.

“People know what rape is,” she said, “and to have girls trying to get attention, from Lena Dunham to this poor psychotic at UVA, Lady Gaga claiming she was raped but she didn’t admit it to herself for five years. What major crime do people say, ‘I didn’t admit it to myself?'"

Coulter is shocked, shocked I tell you, at this appalling fraud. “There are a few, very few,  percentage of actual rapists, and as I said on Hannity, but his idiot producer cut it, they’re usually Clintons or Kennedys.”

And a very merry Christmas to you, too, Ann.

Advertisement:

4. Fox Business Newsian: Elizabeth Warren is the devil.

Melissa Francis needs to get a grip. The Faux Business host promised that Wall Street will devote all of its resources to defeat its arch nemesis Elizabeth Warren should the reform-minded Massachusetts senator decide to run for president. They will do this, Francis says, because bankers and traders believe Warren is “actually the devil.” Yes, actually. And she agrees with those bankers and traders. “I mean, without question, Elizabeth Warren is the devil,” she said.

It was all part of a very elevated discussion of 2016 presidential politics on Tuesday’s edition ofOut Numbered, with America-is-awesome-even-though-it-tortures-people host Andrea Tantaros. This brain scientist noted that Hillary Clinton’s delay in announcing her candidacy is fueling Warren supporters.

“I think Elizabeth Warren is going to capitalize on not only her economic populism, but also the social justice aspect,” co-host Kennedy Montgomery said, pointing out that all of the senators who were potential presidential candidates had voted against a recent budget bill that weakened consumer financial protections.

Advertisement:

“And she"—meaning she-devil Warren—“really came out smelling like a rose,” Francis said.

You know it’s bad when the devil wears her rose perfume.

5. Missouri GOPer: Women should get men’s permission for abortion.

This whole notion of a Republican war on women is pure poppycock. Amirite? You might have to ask a man because one super-enlightened Missouri legislator does not think women can make decisions about their own bodies.

Advertisement:

This marvel of modern-day enlightenment thinking, state representative Rick Brattin, recently proposed a bill that says, “No abortion shall be performed or induced unless and until the father of the unborn child provides written, notarized consent to the abortion.”

There are exceptions for cases or rape and incest, but even those are limited, you know, to legitimate rape, "Just like any rape, you have to report it, and you have to prove it," Brattin tells Mother Jones. “So you couldn’t just go and say, ‘Oh yeah, I was raped’ and get an abortion. It has to be a legitimate rape.”

Women are always doing that, “Oh yeah, I was raped," thing.

Also, Brattin’s use of the term “legitimate rape” should in no way be confused with former Mo. Rep. Todd Akin's use of the term.

"I’m just saying if there was a legitimate rape, you’re going to make a police report, just as if you were robbed," Brattin says. "That’s just common sense." He hastened to add that “legitimate rape” is the kind of rape you can easily prove. Because you’re either dead or badly beaten.

What’s next, legitimate incest?

6. Gordon Klingenschmitt recommends you pray for your healthcare.

It used to be that you could pretty much laugh off right-wing Christian lunatic Gordon Klingenschmitt’s every utterance. But the hate-spewing former Navy chaplain went and got himself elected to the state legislature in Colorado, giving him an unfortunate mantle of legitimacy.

Well, at least he’s wearing it responsibly. This week he turned his ample intellect to the problem of healthcare and came up with an answer: Jesus.

He was commenting on a Fox News poll (Yeah, so totally on the up-and-up) that showed 58 percent of respondents wanted to repeal Obamacare, reported Right Wing Watch.

“We ought to look to the Lord for our healthcare,” Klingenschmitt said during his PIJN News program.

It’s right there in Exodus, Klingenschmitt pointed out (the Old Testament book, not the Ridley Scott movie, you heathens).

‎‏‎‎‎‎‎‏‎‏‏‏‎‎‎‏‎‎‏‏‎‏‎‎‏‎‏‏‏‏‎‏‏‏‏‎‏‎‎‎‏‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‏‎‏‏‎‏‏‏‎‏‏‏‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‎“He said, ‘If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.’”

“Isn’t that inspiring? I personally prefer to look to almighty God as my healer and not to the government as a substitute god or substitute healer,” Klingenschmitt said.

And then he prayed. No, really.

7. Rick Santorum assures us he has had sex, not that we asked.

Rick Santorum is such a fun guy. He had a wonderful time joshing around about his sex (tee-hee-hee, he said that word!) life in a recent interview with the Daily Caller.

His interviewer said: "If you run [for the White House], lots of people are going to shriek about sex, Christianity and accuse you of being a wild-eyed social conservative. And that’ll shape the willingness of younger voters, urban voters, upper-income voters to pull the lever for you. What are you going to tell these guys?"

Santorum responded: “I’ve spoken on a lot of college campuses and a lot of high schools, and [I've got] seven kids, so obviously sex isn’t a real problem for me….”


Janet Allon

MORE FROM Janet Allon


Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Alternet Ann Coulter Fox Business Fox News Rick Santorum

Fearless journalism
in your inbox every day

Sign up for our free newsletter

• • •