Vitamins make you horny, and other things I learned on Laura Ingraham's insane new website

The conservative talker branches out to Internet publishing. And you thought her immigration views were out there

Published July 22, 2015 9:59AM (EDT)

Laura Ingraham                (AP/Mark Humphrey)
Laura Ingraham (AP/Mark Humphrey)

One of the fun parts about working at a "website on the Internet" is fielding a dozen emails per day from P.R. agencies pitching hilarious nonsense.

The spam filter catches many but hardly all of them. Sometimes they come in the form of "EXPERT AVAILABLE." A typical subject line might read "EXPERT AVAILABLE to discuss psychology of new purple pants" or "DONALD TRUMP and a SPORTS BRA -- separated at birth??? ACCLAIMED NEUROSCIENTIST AVAILABLE" or "Tens of people murdered in horrible massacre -- personal finance guru available to discuss short-selling options." Others offer the typical spam in the form of pseudoscientific studies: "New Study says having NOSES is GOOD for cancer," "Magical Jesus pill from outer space will remove those stretch marks," "Vegetables are BAD for you? -- what in the what???" And then there are those that are just trying to share some dumb new app or invent a trend. "Game-changing new #2016 app? Shares all your Google searches with every presidential candidate," "Explaining the new hair thing that everyone has." The basic point here is that people try to get a lot of bullshit onto the Internet. (Yes, the entire Internet is bullshit anyways, but these sort of things take it to another level.)

Usually the response to these pitches is to either ignore them, make fun of them with colleagues, or post screenshots to Twitter for open public mockery.

But now there is a brand-new website that appears to exist to accept all of these pitches and write them up. Introducing LifeZette, the recently soft-launched new #brand from anti-immigration talk radio host Laura Ingraham!

Word broke a few months ago that Ingraham, still banking on Eric Cantor's primary defeat last year in which she played no small role, would extend her brand of explicit truth-tellery to a fresh, cutting Internet destination. She poached the Daily Caller's Neil Munro to serve as the new site's politics editor and planned to build "a cultural and political web destination for conservatives and independents."

The site went live at ... some point? recently? ... and hasn't garnered much publicity. We're here to change that. Let's run through some of the things we learned on LifeZette today.

Wanna know about health? Everyone's so concerned about health these days. That's where HealthZette comes in handy: to fill you in about the latest health news.

One of the big concerns out there health-wise nowadays is Alzheimer's disease. It's a big old mess afflicting so many people, and much of the political debate centers around the proper level of funding for Alzheimer's research. But here's something that none of that Big Government money can buy: godliness. "Your reward for being good may indeed be in heaven," HealthZette (or is this FaithZette, too?) tells us, "but new research shows that conscientiousness also yields mental advantages as we age." Basically, godliness increases conscientiousness, which helps reduce the risk for Alzheimer's. Some caveats: "Of course, it’s quite possible to be godly without being conscientious, and vice versa." Of course. "Indeed, all the members of the study were ecclesiastically inclined, yet some scored higher on the scale of being conscientious than others. At the same time, one doesn’t have to be a believer to be conscientious." Yet? "Yet there is something about being godly — prayerful, spiritual, pious — that encourages mindfulness about doing right, and avoiding wrong." And did you know that churchies eat more vegetables? Well I'll say. Get me to a pew ASAP, hahaha!

Also in HealthZette: You hear about this 20-minute cure for cervical cancer? Sign me up! Also, too: Vitamin supplements may cause you to have more casual sex, and that ain't good for anybody.

Over to PopZette, which shares a lot of crossover content with HealthZette, because whatever: the latest trends sweeping the USA, man buns. Not men's butts, doofus -- this is a conservative lifestyle website! We're talking about hair. "Men with long hair are now twisting their ponytails into knots atop their heads" -- say whaaa? "It was Jared Leto and David Beckham who catapulted the man bun into the same hair mesa trend as mohawks, bowl cuts, dreadlocks and mullets. If they haven’t started sprouting up in your neck of the woods, they will soon." The post then features a bunch of amateur photoshops of presidential candidates with man buns, LOL. It would be so nuts if they did this hair thing like the celebrities.

There is so much more to be had at LifeZette. We don't even want to get into MomZette because we may not ever return. LifeZette is the new best website on the Internet from Laura Ingraham! You'll love it!

By Jim Newell

Jim Newell covers politics and media for Salon.

MORE FROM Jim Newell

Related Topics ------------------------------------------

Conservative Media Editor's Picks Garbage Laura Ingraham Lifezette Media Criticism Talk Radio The Internet