Donald Trump had a difficult time at last night's Republican debate -- what with being singled out as a possible interloper and being asked to provide evidence to support his outlandish statements -- but despite the many hardships he faced over the course of those two hours, the real estate tycoon convinced himself, at least, that he emerged from them victorious.
"I am very proud of my great performance tonight. I am not a debater, but I am a winner. If I am elected I will make this country a total winner -- I will Make America Great Again," he said in a statement that opened with his staff declaring him the "unequivocal winner."
"Mr. Trump, the definitive first place candidate in all recent national and state polls, proved himself to be a skillful debater, out performing his rivals with decisive responses and swift counter-attacks. Mr. Trump excelled in what was his first ever debate against a group of all talk, no action politicians," the statement continued.
The hastily composed statement -- nearly every sentence of which begins "Mr. Trump" -- identified his most contentious interactions as the ones in which he communicated most effectively.
"Mr. Trump condemned the incessant calls for political correctness and instead called for action," the statement claimed. "Mr. Trump also addressed the total epidemic of illegal immigration and promised to secure the border once and for all with an impenetrable wall."
"Mr. Trump spoke about his great success as a businessman and discussed his pro-life stance," it continued. "Mr. Trump's truthful talk continues to resonate with voters across the country as he shares his vision to Make America Great Again."