Late-night comedy audiences are not the only ones guffawing at the country’s absurd political landscape this week. A CNN panel basically lost it on Friday when Trump proxy Stephen Miller asserted that Hillary Clinton is out to destroy the Second Amendment. “It’s true!” he said, immediately after Don Lemon said it’s just plain false.
True, false, whatever. What is this? Some kind of a test or something?
Here are some other complete absurdities emerging from the rightward flank this week.
1. Oklahoma gov does the right thing, for the totally wrong reason.
You might have thought for a brief moment that some sunlight had broken through in Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin’s fuzzy right-wing head on Friday. She actually vetoed one of the country’s most insane and extremist anti-abortion bills which was approved on Thursday by that state’s illustrious Republican-controlled legislature. The measure would have made it a felony for doctors to perform abortions, punishable by up to three years in prison and loss of medical license.
Yeah, that’s right. Oklahoma lawmakers want to toss doctors in jail for giving healthcare to women.
Well, we guess it was only a matter of time. Someone’s got to be punished, right Donald Trump? Start with the doctors, then on to the women.
These infinitely wise Oklahoma legislators did make an exception: Performing a “necessary” abortion on a woman, which would save the life of the mother (because all women are “mothers” by definition) would be a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card for the docs.
Governor Fallin, who brags incessantly about being the nation’s most “pro-life governor” despite some hefty competition, vetoed the bill, not because it is medieval, but because it “would not withstand a criminal constitutional legal challenge.” Aw.
“The bill is so ambiguous and so vague that doctors cannot be certain what medical circumstances would be considered ‘necessary to preserve the life of the mother,’” Fallin said in a statement.
The tireless Oklahoma legislature got back to the business of passing important laws on Friday after the setback, introducing a measure to impeach President Obama for demanding bathroom rights for trans people.
2. Donald Trump bribed Republicans with his list of Supreme Court wannabes.
This week, and perhaps every week from now until next November, we were treated to the spectacle of Donald Trump attempting to show he is not ushering in a Trumpapocalypse for the Grand Old Party.
Oh, you didn’t like my Muslim ban, it was “just a suggestion.” Also that thing about deporting 11 million people. Just a thought. A stray and lonely thought.
One of the Donald’s not-at-all-transparent moves this week to try to get the GOP to like him was releasing a list of people he would like to appoint to the Supreme Court. And surprise, surprise! That list contains lots of friends of sitting Republican senators. What a coincidence. Do you like me now guys? How ‘bout now?
As Politico reported, Trump’s shortlist included a friend of Sen. John Cornyn's (R-Texas). A second is a former professor of Sen. Cory Gardner's (R-Colo.). There is also Sen. Chuck Grassley’s (R-Iowa) longtime friend, and Senator Mike Lee of Utah’s brother Thomas Lee, who sits on the Utah Supreme Court.
The list is, of course, a terrifying one for women and other thinking, sentient beings. It shows how eager Trump is—just like all his new Republican best friends—to appoint justices who will do away with women’s right to choose. All of the people on Trump’s shortlist are, as Dahlia Lithwick of Slate points out, extremely young, white and possessed of “impeccable conservative credentials.” All are rabidly anti-abortion. “One of the judges who made Trump’s cut,” Lithwick writes, “William H. Pryor Jr. of the 11th Circuit, has described Roe v. Wade as having manufactured a 'constitutional right to murder an unborn child.'"
In slightly less terrifying news, Trump pandered for, and got! the NRA’s endorsement. Yay!
3. God’s chosen gay marriage fighter Kim Davis is back! Hooray!
The virulently anti-gay Kentucky clerk, Kim Davis, hasn’t been heard from for a while, since she became a right-wing Christian hero for refusing to perform her job granting people marriage licenses because she disagrees with their choice of partner. After tricking Pope Francis into meeting her, Davis went radio silent. But she was back on the airwaves this week talking about her religious beliefs and why anyone should care.
In an episode of must-listen radio’s “Truths that Transform,” Davis described her opposition to same-sex marriage.
"I was obeying my law," the taxpayer-funded state worker said. "I had couples bring in the whole Supreme Court ruling and I said, 'You know, I really don't need to see this because that's not a law, that's a ruling' [and they'd say] 'Well, why won't you do this?' And so then I go to the Bible and I'd tell them, [and they'd respond,] 'Don't be reading me the Bible.'
Made her soooo mad!
"They wanted to shove that paper down my throat and make me eat it for my dinner!" she exclaimed.
Eloquence, thy name is Kim Davis.
4. Stuart Varney is so happy about that plane crash.
For Stuart Varney, the more plane crashes the better. Plane crashes are good for Donald Trump. They get people scared, and they also kill people, and that is just great.
Fox and Friends invited Fox Business' Stuart Varney on to discuss the crash of EgyptAir Flight 804 and how it would affect the stock market, which is already cold-blooded enough. But Varney made his craven indifference to human life even more apparent by casting the tragedy in terms of what it does for Donald Trump’s potential presidency.
“I also think this may be good politically for Donald Trump,” Varney said, first commending the presumed GOP nominee for irresponsibly declaring the crash the work of terrorists before anything at all was known about it.
“He’s already tweeted out saying this is probably terrorism. I believe that's the nature of his tweet. He’s the guy who is saying, hands off, keep Muslims out temporarily whilst we figure out who comes in. An incident of this type is surely a plus for Donald Trump.”
Does he hear the words as they issue from his mouth?
5. Only Donald Trump could make us feel (just a little) sorry for Chris Christie.
Schoolyard bully Donald Trump taunted schoolyard bully Chris Christie this week about, you guessed it, being fat.
Trump was at a fundraiser for his patsy, errr, pal, Christie when the talk inevitably turned to Oreo cookies. Trump decided to use the occasion to brag that he no longer eats those, due to the fact that they are made in Mexico instead of Chicago where the creamy filling used to be squashed between the two chocolatey wafers. This clearly demonstrates that Trump has what it takes to make America great again.
"I’m not eating Oreos anymore, you know that — but neither is Chris," Trump said at the event in New Jersey on Thursday. "You’re not eating Oreos anymore. No more Oreos. For either of us, Chris. Don’t feel bad."
Such a fun guy. Fat jokes never get old.
6. Ex-presidential candidate proposes an important change of statue.
Marco Rubio may have left the GOP primary with his sad tail between his legs, but he has found a very important cause to throw himself into since then. This week, the chastened junior senator from Florida proposed replacing a statue of a Confederate general (slave-owning Edmund Kirby Smith) with a far more inspirational figure: uber Christian footballer Tim Tebow, a former player for the Gators.
Notably, both men are likely to be in job-hunting mode soon.