Sex therapist Ian Kerner: When it comes to sex, being “spontaneous” rarely works


Sex therapist Ian Kerner, the author of the New York Times bestseller “She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman,” is fed up with the obsession for spontaneous sex.

“I hate the f**king word spontaneous when it comes to sex,” he says with frustration on an episode of “Salon Talks.” Kerner joined Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams to discuss his upcoming Salon show, “Sex Toast.”

As a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy and counseling couples, Kerner knows the problems his patients face when it comes to sex in and out of the bedroom. He explained, “Everywhere in culture I feel that sex has been depicted as something that's supposed to be spontaneous.” And Kerner even discusses tropes in popular romantic-comedies and how they depict sex unrealistically, “Man enters room, women enters room exchange glance, cut to: Fantastic sex with mutual orgasms.”

He asks, “how do we actually thoughtfully create an environment in which we can allow ourselves to be aroused, go into our own bodies, get out of our own heads?” Kerner’s solution: plan when you want to have sex. The secret to good sex is “a little bit of collaboration and a little bit of planning.”

Watch the video above to learn more about why you should plan your sex life. And watch the full episode to learn why sex is barely valued in most relationships according to Ian Kerner.


About “Salon Talks”

Hosted by Salon journalists, “Salon Talks” episodes offer a fresh take on the long-form interview format, and a much-needed break from the partisan political talking heads that have come to dominate the genre. “Salon Talks” is a destination for information through conversation. Viewers can expect discussions with A-list actors, artists, authors, thinkers, and newsmakers as we explore the full range of the human condition. The show streams live on Facebook and Twitter and each episode is published in full on Salon.com.


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