Air Travel
Flying the queasy skies
Sometimes turbulence is just the start of your problems.
During the final 20 minutes of a nine-hour all-nighter from Rio de
Janeiro to Miami, I came face to face with an unspeakable horror. It was
about 5 a.m. The cabin was dark, save for a few passenger
reading lamps and a dim glow from the main-cabin galley where I was busy
completing the liquor inventory.
As I locked the last of the service carts, a young kid stumbled into the
galley. He was about 8 years old, with big doll-like eyes that blinked
sluggishly beneath his wrinkled brow. He frowned and held his belly in both
hands.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I don’t feeeeel good,” he said. He spoke in a soft, reedy voice that would
have melted the hearts of my co-workers had they not retreated into the
lavatories to freshen up before landing.
My heart didn’t melt, however. I took two steps backward, worried that the kid would puke on my
shoes.
“Where are your parents?” I demanded.
“Sleeeeeping.”
“Do you need to go to the bathroom?” (I said this while nodding vigorously
and pointing to the nearest lavatory.)
“Nooooo.”
“Hmmmm … I guess your tummy hurts, huh?”
“Yesssss,” he said.
I sat him on the jump seat while I searched for some ginger ale to help
settle his stomach. He stared sullenly into space, rocking, with both arms
wrapped around his waist.
By the time I turned back to give him the glass of ginger ale, his eyes seemed to
have grown to twice their original size. There was a look of blatant
surprise on his face — the comical expression of a boy who, upon hearing
his father tumble down the stairs, suddenly remembered where he’d left his
toy fire engine. His eyes grew even wider. His lips pursed. His cheeks
swelled to Dizzy Gillespie proportions. But this kid was preparing to blow
something other than air into a trumpet.
In 13 years as a flight attendant I’ve seen more than my fair share of
air sickness. I once saw a drunken couple take turns barfing into each
other’s lap, as if playing a sickly version of “Can You Top That.” I watched
a Catholic priest vomit into the face of his secular seatmate. I watched a
teenage girl open the seat-back pocket in front of her and proceed to fill it
with the contents of her stomach. I watched a queasy businessman splatter
the last row of passengers after an ill-fated sprint toward the lavatory.
In one particularly memorable episode that triggered a chain reaction of in-flight
regurgitation, I watched the volcanic eruption of a 300-pound vacationer
who’d eaten three servings of lasagna. After witnessing this spectacle (and
inhaling the pungent odor that wafted through the cabin in its wake) more
than two dozen passengers leaned into the aisle and retched. Gallons of
heavy liquid splashed onto the carpet; even if you closed your eyes you
could not escape the sound. Or the smell. I still get queasy just thinking
about it.
Throughout all these years of high-altitude nausea there is one consolation,
however. Though I’ve dumped enough air-sick bags to fill an Olympic-size
pool, though my olfactory gland has been violated far beyond the limits of
rational expectation, though I’ve sprinkled more puke-absorbent coffee
grounds than Maxwell House would care to know, I have never been splattered
by a single drop of vomitus.
But now, an 8-year-old kid with bulging eyes and a high-octane stomach
was aiming his nozzle directly at me.
In the split-second that I realized he
was about to explode, I dived to one side like a stunt man in a Schwarzenegger
flick. I hit the floor, rolled once and came to rest against the aft
right-hand exit door. From this relatively safe vantage point, I watched the
action unfold in a semi-detached, slow-motion blur.
Just before the kid convulsed, he managed to cover his mouth with both
hands. But this maneuver seemed to cause more harm than good. Thin sheets of
ejecta shot from between his tiny fingers and splattered the face of all four
galley ovens. His head proceeded to swing side to side in a 180-degree
assault that covered the galley in a yellowish-orange slime.
I stared at him
with a mixture of awe and repulsion. It was as if he had become one of those
rapid-fire lawn sprinklers with the rotating mechanical head. The Lawn Boy
2000: We guarantee maximum saturation or your money back! The stuff just
kept coming and coming and coming.
After what seemed like an eternity, the kid finally ran out of juice.
Literally. With one half-hearted swipe of his sleeve, he wiped his chin, then
turned to look at me. His eyes had returned to normal size. But now they
were heavy, weighed down by guilt and embarrassment. His spew-covered hands
began to tremble as tears ran down his cheeks.
Watching this display of raw
kiddie emotion, my hardened heart loosened a bit. Fighting the stench that
was beginning to make me dizzy, I rose to my feet and stepped toward the
kid, careful to avoid the pools of ooze that covered much of the galley
floor.
As I approached, he began to cry in earnest. Big boo-hoo sobs.
Crocodile tears. He just sat there, bawling, covered from head to toe in
liquefied airplane cuisine.
Overcome by a paternal urge to pat him on the
shoulder, but unable to find an adequate dry spot, I reached out with one
finger and sort of ruffled his hair a bit. He looked up at me wearing an
expression that, for a moment, tugged at the heartstrings of forgiveness.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Much like that infamous scene from “The Exorcist,” the kid looked right into
my eyes and let loose a Linda Blair pea-soup blast that covered me from the
knees down to the tips of my uniform shoes. I stood there, motionless,
feeling the molten bile seep through my socks and into the gaps between my
toes.
Before I could throttle the kid he leapt from the jump seat and
disappeared into the darkened cabin.
Elliott Neal Hester has been a flight attendant for 15 years. He has also written for National Geographic Traveler, Men's Fitness, Glamour, Maxim and Caribbean Travel & Life. Out of the Blue appears every other Friday. E-mail your tale of life in the sky to Hester. For more columns by Hester, visit his column archive. More Elliott Neal Hester.
Behind the underwear bomb
The latest airplane terror plot wouldn't have been foiled without airport security -- but not the kind we all know
Travelers line up at a TSA checkpoint at Los Angeles International Airport.
(Credit: Reuters/Danny Moloshok) Another deadly plot taken down in the planning stages. This time, thanks to the work of a CIA double agent, officials were able to infiltrate a Yemen-based al-Qaida plot to destroy a U.S.-bound jetliner using a nearly undetectable underwear bomb.The moral of the story: Airport security works!Am I being facetious? Not necessarily. It depends on your definition of airport security.
In my mind, the key to keeping airplanes safe is, and always has been, stopping acts of sabotage while they are still in the planning stages. Here in the age of the TSA checkpoint, with its toothpaste confiscations and obsession with pointy objects, we tend not to think this way, preoccupied instead with a kind of airport Kabuki — the tedious, fanatical screening of passengers and their carry-ons. Real airport security takes place offstage, as it were. It is the job of the folks at the CIA and the FBI, working together with foreign authorities. And while TSA has an important role here too, we can do without the spectacle of airport guards rifling through innocent people’s bags in a pathological hunt for what are effectively harmless items.
Continue Reading ClosePatrick Smith is an airline pilot. More Patrick Smith.
How the rich took over airport security
Security checks were one of America's most democratic places -- until rich passengers got their own speedy lines
(Credit: Reuters/Salon) The other day at Bergstrom Airport in Austin, Texas, I witnessed a striking manifestation of the new American plutocracy. Along with getting a photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles and sitting in a jury pool, standing in line at airport security with a mob of other people, miserable though it is, remains one of the few examples of civic equality in our increasingly oligarchic republic. Much airport security, of course, is theater, designed to provide alibis for bureaucrats and politicians in the event of a terrorist attack. But while we can debate what a rational airport security system would look like, no rational system would discriminate among passengers on the basis of ability to pay.
Continue Reading CloseMichael Lind’s new book, "Land of Promise: An Economic History of the United States", will be published in April and can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com. More Michael Lind.
When parents drug their kids
Antihistamines can knock out even the loudest child on a plane. Is it safe -- or just bad parenting?
(Credit: Ilya Andriyanov and KAMONRAT via Shutterstock) When I wrote last week about the 2-year-old girl who, along with her whole family, was kicked off a JetBlue flight for having a tantrum, I expected an outpouring of responses. What I hadn’t imagined was how much of it would be in favor of sedating kids as a practical means of getting them from point A to point B. “You know how I traveled with toddlers?” the stay-at-home mother of two tweeted to me. “Benadryl. Works like a charm.”
Continue Reading Close
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
When a flight becomes “pre-schoolers gone wild”
A family with toddlers is ejected from a JetBlue plane -- and kicks up a storm about kids and travel
(Credit: Kenneth Man via Shutterstock) Very few venues in this world — especially ones that invlove confined spaces — are thrilled to welcome a 2-year-old. Unless you’re at a Wiggles reunion show, the most common response is a lot of rolled eyes, anticipatory grimacing and the question “Can we change our seats?” So when JetBlue staff noticed young Natalie Vieau boarding a flight from Turks and Caicos with her parents and her 3-year-old sister last month, it’s possible they were already steeling themselves for Natalie to behave exactly like, well, a 2-year-old. When young Miss Vieau complied, pitching a fit that would have made Chris Brown proud, the crew kicked her and her family off the plane. Discuss.
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Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
The things I carry
All those gadgets, chargers, adapters and cords are supposed to make my life easier. I'm not so sure
(Credit: Patrick Smith) The scourges of modern-day air travel.
I can think of a few: TSA, delayed flights, garbage in your seat pocket. Screaming kids and misdirected luggage. “CNN Airport News.”
Or, how about the blizzard of cardboard placards that hotel chains insist on littering their rooms with? I spend a quarter of my life in hotel rooms, and I resent having to spend the first five minutes of every stay gathering up an armful of this diabolical detritus and heaving it into a corner where it belongs. Attention, innkeepers: This is fundamentally bad business. One’s first moments in a hotel room should be relaxing. The room itself should impart a sense of welcome. It shouldn’t put you to work.
Continue Reading ClosePatrick Smith is an airline pilot. More Patrick Smith.
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