Arnold Schwarzenegger

The cyborg who … governed me?

In what may be the weirdest campaign curtain-raiser in history, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns as a decrepit robot in "Terminator 3."

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The cyborg who ... governed me?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly been pondering an entry into politics since he first became a major box-office star almost 20 years ago, when his mentor Ronald Reagan was in the White House. For that idea to work, the Nietzschean superhero of the ‘roid-rage 1980s had to reduce himself in scale somehow, become lovable, reveal some flaws. (He also had to clean up his own personal act, get married and morph into a Republican family man — although that’s another story.)

Perhaps that’s the secret of the pedestrian but appealing “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines,” a back-to-basics B movie in which Schwarzenegger, who will turn 56 later this month, plays an aging, lovably defective robot, a softy cyborg who still doesn’t grok human emotions but can be counted on to do the right thing — even while being dragged bodily through many millions of dollars’ worth of Los Angeles real estate and motor vehicles at the end of a construction crane.

If “T3″ is the opening salvo in Arnold’s still-unofficial California gubernatorial campaign, it’s a curious one. This movie — arriving 12 years after James Cameron’s genre-defining “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and 19 years after Cameron transformed Schwarzenegger from sideshow attraction to legitimate star with the original “Terminator” — feels more like the first chapter of a new series than the capstone to an old one. (At this pace, the star will be 75 when “T5″ comes out. But hell, why not? If Clint Eastwood can play action roles well past even the Republicans’ idea of retirement age, surely Arnold can follow suit.)

In a summer movie season whose official theme is now blockbusters that make a pile of money but fade quickly and end up feeling like disappointments (see “The Matrix Reloaded,” “The Hulk,” and “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”), “T3″ may succeed, like Disney’s surprise smash “Finding Nemo,” by simultaneously lowering expectations and limiting its artistic ambitions. No previous knowledge of movies or life is required, no political lessons are taught and no French philosophers are name-dropped. Sure, the plot may involve the end of the world, but it’s of secondary importance at best (although it does take an unexpected twist at the end). What you need to enjoy this flick is an appetite for seeing things destroyed, a recognition of the fact that Arnold looks cool hefting a coffin in one arm and a machine gun in the other and a willingness to tolerate Claire Danes being whiny in an irritating romantic subplot.

When you consider that the Terminator series has lost its creators (director Cameron and producer/co-writer Gale Anne Hurd), its most interesting human performer (buff mama Linda Hamilton, who failed to develop any kind of career out of her gender-bending “T2″ role), and any sense that its leading man is a novel or interesting figure, it’s surprising that “T3″ works even half as well as it does. Director Jonathan Mostow (of the World War II submarine epic “U-571″), perhaps realizing his impossible predicament, sticks closely to the meat and potatoes of the action genre, blowing up a building or staging an imaginative motor-vehicle chase — involving, at various times, a hearse, a gigantic R.V., a fire engine, the aforementioned construction crane and a veterinarian’s animal-transport truck — anytime the talky-talky scenes, infrequent as they are, slow things down too much.

If anything, this film feels closer to the medium-tech appeal of Cameron and Hurd’s original 1984 “Terminator,” albeit at approximately 30 times its budget, than to the baroque excesses of “T2.” That first “Terminator” struck such a nerve because it had clearly been made by and for action-movie fans; it understood their tastes and treated them with respect. Its comic-book story line was simple but well thought out and it offered us various levels on which to appreciate the wondrous Schwarzenegger. The “Conan the Barbarian” camp value of his inflated physique and pompous persona were still present, but Cameron and Hurd also saw his potential to be most terrifying, and finally most human, while playing a machine.

This time around, as Arnold himself explains to youthful hero John Connor (Nick Stahl), the Terminator himself is an “obsolete model” that no longer works perfectly and wears a leather-boy outfit borrowed from a gay Chippendale-style dancer. (Sadly, he rejects the star-spangled Elton John shades.) Once again he’s been sent back in time to fight a vastly superior opponent; this time it’s T-X (Kristanna Loken), a blond fembot from the future with rocket launchers in her arms and pneumatic breasts that inflate to cop-distracting proportions on command. She can do instant DNA analysis of blood samples with her tongue (yeah, baby!) but, curiously, is unable to detect a hyperventilating girl hiding 10 feet away.

OK, let’s back up a minute. You probably thought the end of the world had been averted by Hamilton and bad-robot-turned-good Arnold in “T2,” right? Or rather, you barely thought about it, but you didn’t exactly spend sleepless nights fretting about the fate of the human race in this particular fictional universe. Well, that was false comfort, my friend, of the kind on which long-in-the-tooth sci-fi series depend. It turns out that John Connor (the son of Linda Hamilton’s character, played by Edward Furlong in 1991), the future savior of the human race in its apocalyptic war against the machines, has grown up into a slightly scruffy but adorable teen-idol type (Stahl, who played the murdered son in “In the Bedroom”).

Plagued by troubling dreams of killer robot armies, endless underwater fields of skulls and the kind of nuclear Armageddon that went out of fashion around 1989, John’s convinced the world hasn’t yet been saved. “They tried to murder me before I was born — machines from the future,” he muses in the half-baked voice-over narration that comes and goes throughout “T3.” So he’s living “off the grid,” doing odd jobs to pay for his faintly edgy denim outfits, his motorbike, his half-shaved Justin-wannabe look and his longneck bottles of Bud.

John wrecks his bike one night and ends up crashed out in the veterinary hospital managed by Kate Brewster (Danes), a perky 20-something who once made out with him in somebody’s basement, as it turns out, but has since moved on to a boring, responsible fiancé. Is this fate? Well, maybe. It’s definitely the beginning of a ponderous attempt to pander to young audiences with some wishy-washy romantic comedy. By the time Schwarzenegger and Loken show up from the future to trash the place, a pattern is established: John tries to convince Kate that yeah, really, in the future he’s going to save the world and she rolls her eyes like he’s a total psycho who is so lame.

Danes and Stahl are likable enough as performers, but they’re locked into squeaky-clean roles with little dimension; you get the feeling they, Mostow, the screenwriters (John Brancato and Michael Ferris) and everybody else are deeply bored by this aspect of the movie and want to get back to the exploding hearses. Their interaction is about as sexy as a game of touch football; at any moment they’re likely to begin punching each other on the shoulder or wrasslin’ in a big old pile of autumn leaves. (Their best moment comes near the end of the film, when Kate grabs a machine gun and blows away a robot aircraft that’s after them. “You remind me of my mother!” John gasps.)

His skin peeling off, his perfect Muscle Beach hair messed up and his circuits fritzing out, Schwarzenegger’s humane robot is clearly the sympathetic center of “T3.” He hauls his deteriorating robo-ass from scene to scene with conspicuous effort, repeatedly getting it kicked by a girl for the benefit of all mankind. If the show-stopper here is clearly the extended early sequence when T-X dangles him from that crane and smashes him through several blocks of L.A. buildings, my favorite scene is more metaphorical. Later on, she follows him into the men’s bathroom of a secret military facility and literally mops the place up with him, flinging him through a row of urinals.

John and Kate need to get to Kate’s dad, a big-time Mr. Secret military dude (it’s exactly the same role played by Sam Elliott in “The Hulk”), before he surrenders control of the U.S. air defense system to an evil computer that’s bent on starting World War Whatever. Mostly this involves a lot of cool “Battlebots”-style fight scenes, after T-X activates a lot of evil robot warriors conveniently stored right next door to NORAD HQ. But loyal fans who actually do care about the Terminator saga’s story will find some real surprises here — both in terms of what happens in this movie and what will supposedly happen down the road — and barring a spectacular flop at the box office, it’s going to take at least one more chapter to untangle it all.

Don’t get me wrong: I think the prospect of a Gov. Schwarzenegger is terrifying and ridiculous for any number of reasons. (Let’s spare a moment of gratitude to the Founding Fathers for Article 2 of the United States Constitution, by the way, even if it also means Arianna Huffington will never be president.) But sillier and more dangerous things have happened and the nation has just about survived. (See Reagan’s entire political career. See Jesse Ventura, taking time off from the Minnesota governorship to announce XFL games.) If it does play out that way, Arnold’s going to find life in Sacramento pretty dull. We’ll all be better off if he’s fighting killer droids of the future (again) rather than terrifying listless legislators with budget vetoes and mandatory physical-fitness routines. Is “Terminator 3″ the end of Schwarzenegger’s movie career, as he has hinted, and the beginning of something else? Oh, he’ll be back, all right. We just don’t know why or how, and we have to pray it won’t be the end of the world.

What can you learn from Arnie’s boyhood home?

Childhood museums pop up all over the world. What insight do they offer into their subjects' lives?

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What can you learn from Arnie's boyhood home?FILE - In this June 21, 2011 file photo, former Gov. of California Arnold Schwarzenegger attends the Energy Forum 2011 in Vienna, Austria. Schwarzenegger has been cast in a movie called "Last Stand". (AP Photo/Bela Szandelszky, file)(Credit: AP)

“Whether or not you’re a fan of his movies or his political career … it can’t have been a shock to learn that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s childhood home has just opened as a museum in Austria,” Glen Levy wrote for Time magazine’s NewsFeed after news of the museum’s opening broke earlier this week. Actually, I was a little surprised. Are there really that many people who will want to visit Arnold Schwarzenegger’s boyhood dwelling?

Here’s what you’ll find if you make the trek over to Thal, Austria, according to the BBC:

On display … are [Schwarzenegger's] childhood bed, a motorbike from one of the Terminator films, some of his first dumb-bells, and a copy of the desk he used as governor of California. …

The museum [also] shows the house’s original pit toilet, and a 1950s kitchen, with a washstand and jugs for collecting water.

Are there many people — non-Schwarzenegger-fanatics, that is — who still want to visit Arnold Schwarzenegger’s childhood home after reading that? It seems like many of the artifacts presented there have little to communicate about the man himself, beyond what could be gleaned by looking at them in a photograph; after all, at least one — the desk replica — appears to have bypassed Schwarzenegger’s presence entirely.

It’s not unusual for a childhood dwelling to be turned into a museum; William Shakespeare and George W. Bush are just two figures whose boyhood homes have been memorialized. In those cases, as with many childhood museums, you get a glimpse into the early life of the soon-to-be significant, rather than a peek at the place where anything beyond adolescence was actually accomplished.

Of course, if a historic site can give you a real idea of what it was like to grow up in a particular community, and provide some insight into the life and work of the person you’re interested in, that might be the strongest argument for its existence. Maybe the knowledge that Arnold Schwarzenegger grew up without electricity does shed a different light on his career. But it’s something you could read about in a magazine; is it worth traveling more than a couple of miles to actually see the evidence for yourself? In any case, this BBC footage suggests that the house has electricity today.

As with so many historical properties around the world, much of the fascination with house museums doubtless derives from the ghost-like perceived presence of the historical individual involved: the idea that Flannery O’Connor or Pearl S. Buck or Johnny Cash or Bill Clinton once lived here, ate here, breathed here, slept here. And much of the time, it’s down to the guest to create this experience: an exercise in imagination, rather than real observation.

How and why do these projects endure? Looking for answers, I first tried Victoria Cain, who teaches at New York University’s Museum Studies program; her outlook for the field was not encouraging. “One of the reasons I think you don’t get a whole lot of [experts on house museums] in Museum Studies programs is that it’s a dying field — it’s a dying industry,” she told me, explaining that people who start house museums hoping to boost local tourism often run into the normal problems encountered by small-business owners everywhere: high costs and dwindling demand.

“It will be interesting to see if people who are attempting to found these new house museums — what their time horizon will be,” she added. “Do they see these as short-term projects, designed to provide a jump-start to a particular neighborhood or economy, or do they really think that these are going to last forever? Because there will be a time where no one cares about Arnold Schwarzenegger … And the Schwarzenegger house museum may find itself in a difficult situation.”

Ken Turino, who teaches a course on historic house museums for Tufts’ Museum Studies program and is manager of community engagement and exhibitions for Historic New England, adds of house museums in general: “A story is really important. You have to realize, a lot of historic houses don’t have the original artifacts and family material. … You have to have some compelling story [to draw people in].”

“There has been a tendency to enshrine people with their birthplaces, even if they only were born there and immediately left,” he says of the childhood museum phenomenon in particular. I ask: Are most of these institutions spun out of a cult of personality — simply the product of a following for a particular person? He replies in the affirmative: “Quite frankly, I think a lot of them are.”

Turino doesn’t think the house museum field is “dying,” however. “Yes, there are a lot that are struggling. Are all of them going to make it? Nope. Should all of them make it? Nope. But do I think that there shouldn’t be new house museums? No.”

Whose childhood home would you visit? Have you been to any childhood museums around the country that are particularly informative — or notably disappointing? Let us know in the comments below.

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Emma Mustich is a Salon contributor. Follow her on Twitter: @emustich.

Maria Shriver files to divorce Schwarzenegger

The Kennedy family heiress cited irreconcilable differences but offered no additional details about the breakup

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Maria Shriver files to divorce SchwarzeneggerFILE - In this Nov. 8, 2006 file photo, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives in Mexico City, Mexico, with his wife Maria Shriver. Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger in Los Angeles Superior Court, Friday, July 1, 2011. (AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez, file)(Credit: AP)

Maria Shriver stood by Arnold Schwarzenegger when he ran for California’s governorship in 2003, even after several women accused him of lecherous behavior.

On Friday, 25 years after their fairytale wedding on Cape Cod, she filed for divorce.

The former television journalist and Kennedy family heiress cited irreconcilable differences but offered no additional details about the breakup.

Shriver did not list a date when the couple separated, although they announced they had done so on May 9.

A week later, the former California governor admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff years ago.

The filing, which Shriver signed nearly two weeks ago, signals an end to a union that brought together a rising film action star and a princess of the Kennedy clan, herself an up-and-coming network newscaster.

Shriver’s filing does not indicate the couple had a premarital agreement.

That means Schwarzenegger’s earnings from a career as a Hollywood megastar, which allowed him to forgo a salary as governor and commute by private jet to Sacramento, likely will be evenly divided with his estranged wife.

Shriver is seeking spousal support but the amount will be determined later, either through a settlement or by a judge. The divorce is expected to be handled mostly behind closed doors.

Economic disclosure forms filed when Schwarzenegger left as California governor in January show he has interests in at least eight entities each worth $1 million or more. An exact tally of his wealth is impossible to calculate.

The forms also show he still retains rights to intellectual property from his days as a fitness guru and movie star.

Several of Schwarzenegger’s biggest hits, including “Predator,” “True Lies” and the blockbuster sequel “Terminator 2″ were made during his marriage to Shriver.

Shriver was an award-winning television journalist but put her career on hold when Schwarzenegger ran for governor.

Her holdings are more modest but are listed in the disclosure as being worth more than $1 million. She is a member of the Kennedy family and a beneficiary of some of its assets in addition to owning rights and royalties from her work as an author, the filings show.

In recent months, she has appeared in videos posted on YouTube in which she talks about stress in her life, the weight of expectations and the search for faith in a troubled world.

Shriver and Schwarzenegger have four children together, including two sons who are still minors. Shriver’s petition seeks joint custody of the teens, who are 17 and 13.

Schwarzenegger’s spokesman Adam Mendelsohn declined comment in an email. Shriver’s attorney Laura Wasser did not immediately return a phone message seeking comment. Her spokesman Matthew DiGirolamo declined comment.

Shriver publicly supported her husband when he ran for elected office, even after the Los Angeles Times reported accusations by several women that they had been groped by the movie star.

Schwarzenegger said he “behaved badly sometimes” and was twice elected to the governorship.

He failed to fix the state’s chronic budget problems and left office in January with an eye toward environmental projects and a return to the big screen.

One of his projects was an animated collaboration with comic book legend Stan Lee titled “The Governator,” but the project was shelved after Schwarzenegger admitted fathering the child out of wedlock. He has disappeared from the public eye in recent weeks and has not announced any plans to resume acting.

——

Anthony McCartney can be reached at http://twitter.com/celebritydocket

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Five pop culture items we missed

Today's catch includes: The real difference between Mac and PC users, Hef's fiancee walks out, and more!

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Five pop culture items we missedFILE - Hugh Hefner, left, and Crystal Harris arrives at the premiere of "Iron Man 2" at the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles in this April 26, 2010 file photo. Hefner says he's gotten engaged again. Hefner said in a Twitter message early Saturday Dec. 24, 2010 that he'd given a ring to girlfriend and Playmate Crystal Harris, saying she burst into tears. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles, File)(Credit: Matt Sayles)

1. Schwarzenegger gossip of the day: Mildred Baena, the house staff member who has a 13-year-old son with Arnold, speaks to Hello! about their affair and their son’s reaction. (He thinks it’s “cool” that his father is the Governator.)

2. Flowchart of the day: The major differences between Mac and PC users include a gap in political bias (36 percent of PC users are liberal while 58 percent of Mac users are), education (54 percent had a higher education with a PC, versus 67 with a Mac), and ability to party.

3. Permanent bachelor of the day: Hugh Hefner, whose fiancée Crystal Harris called off their wedding five days before the duo was due to walk down the isle.

4. Amazing machine of the day: This gel-scooper-upper  doesn’t seem like it would have much of a purpose … until you spill mayonnaise on the floor in the exact shape you would have wanted it on your sandwich! Now who is laughing, Dad?!



5. Dalai Lama fail of the day: An Australian morning show anchor tries to explain a pizza joke to the leader of the Tibetan Buddhists. It does not go over so well.

Yes, maybe the problem was that he should have told the joke in terms of burgers.

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Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew.

Schwarzenegger housekeeper mistress speaks out

Mildred Baena breaks her silence over her child with the former California governor in an interview with Hello!

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Schwarzenegger housekeeper mistress speaks outHello! cover featuring Baena and son Joseph

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 13-year-old love child is breaking her silence this week in an interview with Hello! magazine. Mildred Baena worked as a housekeeper for the Schwarzeneggers when she had an affair with the former California governor.

Baena’s son Joseph, photographed alongside his mother for the Hello! interview, apparently increasingly resembled the former action star as he grew up.

“It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered — but it became more apparent as time went on,” said Baena, who said that Maria Shriver also seemed to recognize  Joseph’s similarity to her now estranged husband. Shriver, says Baena, was supportive and eventually asked the housekeeper point blank whether Schwarzenegger was Joseph’s father.

And perhaps the most surprising aspect of the story: When Joseph learned his father’s identity last year, he apparently said, “Cool!” (No doubt, we assume, because he is too young to have witnessed firsthand Schwarzenegger’s acting career play out in “Kindergarten Cop” and “Twins.”)

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Natasha Lennard covers the Occupy movement for Salon. A British-born, Brooklyn-based journalist, she has been covering Occupy Wall Street since before the first sleeping bag was unrolled in Zuccotti Park. One of the first journalists arrested at an Occupy action, she has managed to enrage Andrew Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. You can follow her on Twitter (@natashalennard), and email her any Occupy updates/videos/ideas to natasha.lennard@gmail.com

Why I’m still hot for my wife

After the Schwarzenegger and Strauss-Kahn scandals, I'm starting to feel like the odd man out. But am I?

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Why I'm still hot for my wifeIn a May 10, 2011 photo Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks at the Israel 63rd Independence Day Celebration hosted by the Consulate General of Israel in Los Angeles. Schwarzenegger has acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff, (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)(Credit: Matt Sayles)

Long-term marriages rank with fools, barflies and traveling salesmen as a classic butt of American jokes.

I married her 60 years ago, and right away I knew it was a mistake!

Their punch lines testify to nagging, sniping, dissatisfaction and the loss of romance. Their baseline assumption is that a lengthy marriage is sexless or, at best, sexually worn out.

Darling, do you remember the first time we made love?

– Hell, I can’t remember the last time!

These days, there’s a new rack of clever, grim headlines for comedians to invent:

“Maria & Arnold: Terminated!”

“IMF head sits in jail, waiting for a bail-out”

Meanwhile, I’m sitting at home, practicing my punditry and wondering why it is that after 36 years with the same woman — with whom I have made love more than 3,000 times — there’s nothing I’d like better right now than to go into the next room to strip off her clothes.

After all, I don’t really have much to say about Arnold and Maria. They’ve asked for privacy; I offer them indifference. I didn’t really know who Maria Shriver was, beyond her name (I don’t follow television news), until her husband ran for governor — and even today, after his two terms in office, I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a well-cast actor in a terrific sci-fi movie about robots. Judging from the Wiki versions of their lives — her father founded the Peace Corps, his father was a Nazi; she spends her spare time hugging people with disabilities, he spends his spare time grabbing ass — I find it astounding that they made it to their 25th anniversary.

As for Dominique Strauss-Kahn — like Schwarzenegger, married to a famous television journalist and driven to frenzy by the sight of a housekeeper — his alleged aggression is incomprehensible to me. What satisfaction does a man derive from rape (or, for that matter, hiring a woman for sex)? My own sexuality is so much about my desire to be desired that the thought of sex without reciprocity leaves me limp.

Schwarzenegger, Strauss-Kahn and I are about the same age (I’m the junior one at 59), so I can testify that none of us are testosterone-crazed (unless Arnold’s taking supplements). That’s where our peership ends, however. The two of them are multimillionaires, political bigwigs, media stars, with guys like me in their employ. That means I’ve had every advantage over them in terms of keeping together a long, happy marriage.

It takes a girlie-man to do it.

That’s what Schwarzenegger has been calling his political opponents since he campaigned for George W. Bush in 1988: “girlie-men.” It seems he wasn’t just acting in those “Terminator” films: He is a major-league alpha-ape fool.

Oh, it’s hard to be a girlie-man in this flaunt-and-taunt culture of ours. Quick, name one hit rock ‘n’ roll classic that explicitly celebrates long-term relationships. I can think of exactly one: Orleans’ happy number, “Still the One” (“We’re still having fun, and you’re still the one“), which made it to No. 5 in 1976 — a year that included No. 1 hits like Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” Elvin Bishop’s “Fooled Around and Fell in Love,” and Johnnie Taylor’s “Disco Lady” –

“If it wasn’t for the girl sittin’ next to me

I’d jump right up and outta my safety seat

You got me hypnotized, soul-mesmerized …”

And quick, name one porn scene (despite the fact that you never watch porn) in which the woman is truly pleasured. The only clips in which that happens involve girl-girl sex or gadgetry. As soon as a man enters the picture, intimacy, parity and female orgasms are banned. The “money shot,” as they call it, is always his orgasm, not hers. He is “ripping off a piece” while she is suffering a nympho-maniacal seizure. That’s the formula. You have to wonder if the titans of porn have even thought about its implicit message: To be used as a scum bucket, a woman should find a man; to get satisfaction, she needs another woman or a machine.

Whew. I’ve looked at these scenes of sex without kissing, without caring, without communion, and all I do is shudder. Is that what men really want? I can’t relate.

I’m a girlie-man.

It took a long while to achieve that status. For years, in fact, my poor wife was convinced that I’d someday renounce the comfort and intimacy of “the girl sittin’ next to me” and be “soul-mesmerized” by some hot Disco Lady. She knew that I sometimes felt frustrated by the sexual boundaries of monogamy; she knew that I would say yes to the right woman in the right situation (the only vow I’d made about having sex with other people was that I would not lie to her about it, neither to her face nor by omission). Therefore it was inevitable, she believed, that I would someday fool around and fall in love.

It took until our own 25th anniversary — as well as two tepid, fully disclosed flings (finally, the right women in the right situations!) — for me to look her full in the face and say: “Hey, you can stop worrying. I’m never going to leave you. Not until I die.”

I had finally reached an age, I explained, at which it might actually feel downright weird to get naked and share kisses and bodily fluids with a stranger. Certainly I could never match with another woman the level of trust, intimacy and freedom that she and I have in the sack. “It’s like, the longer we’re together,” I said, “the more like virgins we become.”

Virgins, indeed: sharing a bed, a refrigerator, a toilet bowl, for 36 years; sharing the mutual benefit of our successes and the mutual “oh, well” of our disappointments; sharing the incredible good fortune of having a person who really cares, knows, hears and sees; sharing a life in partnership, both of us made stronger and braver by our hand-holding.

Now, that’s the woman I want to make love with! C’mere, you!

Maybe strange flesh would still tempt me, but it barely ever passes through my field of vision: I’m a busy writer living in the country, where I see more squirrels than human beings in the course of any given week. Besides, what woman in her right mind would want to have a fling with me (notwithstanding my dimples)? I don’t represent danger or adventure, I don’t have bulging biceps, a motorcycle, a private jet, or a big roll of bills — and I’m famous only for my happy marriage.

And I’m so out of practice at groping! — first, because I need to be groped before I will grope, and second, because once a man learns to see women first as human beings, second as sex objects, it becomes difficult to reverse the order.

That learning took me years to accomplish — to lose enough of my vanity and my egotism, to feel some slackening of testosterone’s grip, to raise a beloved daughter to the age at which I met her mother, and to rewrite a few punch lines. Not:

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Rather,

Marriage is the process of becoming the kind of man your wife can keep loving.

But bless my soul, I’m a girlie-man at last.

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Lawrence Bush edits Jewish Currents magazine and is working on a new book, "Porn and the Heart of a Man."

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