How do you rack up over 650,000 hits on YouTube in just a few hours for something that’s essentially a ten-minute commercial? You’ll need girls in prison. Lady Gaga. Beyonce. Mass murder. Oh, and sandwich-making. The music video for the power duet “Telephone” premiered online late Thursday night, and it’s both a return to the “music video as entertainment” event and a masterpiece of lurid product placement.
The mini epic, directed by “Paparazzi” helmer Jonas Åkerlund, opens with the Lady getting tossed into the world’s most haute couture pokey and stripped down – leading the guards to declare decisively to any doubters still out there, “See? I told you she didn’t have a dick.” And then Beyonce shows up, and things get really weird.
There’s a “Thelma and Louise” by way of “Natural Born Killers” storyline, lesbianism, incredibly catchy dance hooks, buckets of T & A, and some of the most relentless branding you’ve ever seen. Stop callin’ on my VIRGIN MOBILE telephone, bitch! And, for that matter, using Diet Coke cans for curlers and surfing Plentyoffish.com on your HP laptop and taking pictures with your Polaroid, yo! The less than subliminal messages are distracting as hell, but those prison yard opuses don’t pay for themselves, I guess. And in the age of DVR, how else are companies supposed to shove their products at us? So my giant, pushbutton festooned hat is off to the genius at Kraft who first saw the possibility of synergy between Lady Gaga and Miracle Whip. Has your mom’s favorite sandwich spread ever seemed so alluringly dangerous? Doubtful. Does it give a sudden craving for tuna salad on Wonder Bread? You tell me.
Lady Gaga poses backstage after winning best video with a message and best female video awards at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday Aug. 28, 2011, in Los Angeles.(AP Photo/Chris Pizzello) (Credit: AP)
Nobody has ever accused Lady Gaga of being boring. (This is, after all, the same performer who showed up to the Grammys earlier this year ensconced in a giant, translucent egg.) That being said, we’re still not entirely sure what to make of Gaga’s appearance at MTV’s Video Music Awards last night. The pop star opened the show with a monologue and a rendition of her new single. What was remarkable about the performance was that she did it under the guise of her male alter ego, Jo Calderone.
And we weren’t certain which was stranger — the dangling umlaut in the title of the song Gaga performed (“Yoü and I”) or that she continued to appear as the Calderone character for the rest of the evening
This cinematic supercut is more of a guessing game than the usual mashup fare. Using clips of characters walking away from the camera, can you guess what movie (and actor) you’re looking at?
2. Divine Rags … for all your high-quality rag needs:
I’m not entirely convinced this spot for a Memphis mall store isn’t a joke, since I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the same concept in a “Saturday Night Live” mock commercial. (I can’t remember the name of the sketch, though I know it starred Kenan Thompson as a prom dress shop proprietor. If anyone could help me out, I’d appreciate it!)
3. Living fashion spreads:
Yolanda Domingues‘ “Poses” project takes the concept of modeling to a whole new ridiculous level. If you remove the camera and the willowy model, can you still convince people you are in the middle of an Elle magazine shoot?
Sort of takes the glamour out of the whole thing, doesn’t it?
4. Lady Gaga’s music video for “You and I”:
Warning: This video is not safe for work. Also not safe for out of work. Video might cause slight brain aneurism. You may feel a strong desire to dress like Marilyn Manson, Sarah McLachlan, a mermaid, a greaser or Cher (all circa 1994) while singing like Shania Twain. Do not watch without proper protective goggles.
5. Video camera strapped to baby’s head … for your health!:
In “EllieCam,” some adults looking to win Parents of the Year award try to answer the age-old question, “What does being 2 look like?” They do this by putting a camera on their daughter’s head and then having her toddle around a park.
Question: What does being 2 look like?
Hypothesis: A magical world of wonder seen through the eyes of a child.
Conclusion: Being 2 looks a lot like watching some other kid’s parent calling Child Protective Services.
Casey Anthony. Rupert Murdoch. South Sudan. OK, have you got that out of your system yet? Good, because it’s time for our weekly roundup of the cultural news that will really have you going “Oh. That’s… weird?” Continue if you dare.
2. Bristol Palin questioned on “stolen virginity”: Barbara Walters calls out the memoirist for her description of her first time having sex with Levi Johnston. Walters: “It must have been OK, because you kept on having sex with him, yeah?”
3. Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson in a new Lifetime movie:
6. Shia LaBeouf is directing a Marilyn Manson documentary: Three-part question here. Why is Shia LaBeouf directing a Marilyn Manson documentary? Why is there a Marilyn Manson documentary being made? And why did he announce this on “Regis and Kelly”?
7. Chilling exposé on“Tiny Belly” Internet ad:I’m not going to lie, this is a very good investigative piece, but I honestly assumed that all of these kinds of ads are scams. It would be kind of weird if it turned out that someone was actually trying to give away a completely free weight-loss system via annoying Internet pop-ups.
Poor Neil. I kind of want to pair him up with the whiz kid from “Magnolia” and have them hang out and be best friends and sing Aimee Mann songs together.
9. They are recasting the baby from “Modern Family”: The twins who played Lily are getting dumped, probably for the Olsens.
Lady Gaga poses for photographers with a coffee cup with a message in Japanese "Pray for Japan" during a press conference to promote of MTV Video Music Aid Japan in Tokyo, Thursday, June 23, 2011. Lady Gaga said that she will sell the coffee cup at auction and donate the money for the tsunami-hit northeastern Japan. (AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi) (Credit: AP)
Lady Gaga’s spokeswoman says a lawsuit accusing the music star of misleading fans with an online pitch for donations to victims of the Japan earthquake is meritless.
Lady Gaga’s website is selling $5 wristbands that say, “We Pray For Japan.” The website also allows people to make additional donations and says “all proceeds go directly to Japan relief efforts.”
A lawsuit filed in Detroit notes that sales tax and a $3.99 shipping charge are added. Detroit-area attorney Alyson Oliver believes not all money is going to help the Japanese and she wants an accounting.
Lady Gaga’s spokeswoman, Holly Shakoor, said Tuesday that no profit is being made on shipping costs. She says $5 from each wristband is going to Japan.
The lawsuit seeks refunds for people who bought wristbands.
While this may seem like the week of awkwardness and homophobia (sadly, it’s also Pride Week), we can’t forget about all the great Holocaust and Hitler references used by celebs recently, or the surge in rehab stories following Ryan Dunn’s death. Great job, everyone.
1. Justin Bieber and Tiffani Thiessen have a creepy crush on each other: As evidenced by the shirts the two wore to Canada’s MuchMusic Video Awards, bearing each other’s faces. Bieber was born one year after “Saved by the Bell” went off the air.
2. James Blunt’s blunder: Put a photo of himself on Facebook in front of a historical building near Auschwitz, then claimed it was his “hotel in Poland.“
3. Bikini killer: Kathleen Hanna went off on a rant against Lady Gaga and Katy Perry during a CNN interview this week: “It’s exactly every male fantasy of fake lesbian porn. It’s pathetic.” Also she hates Jason Mraz and called the new James Blunt song “the worst thing that has ever been created on the face of the Earth.” Wait till she checks out his Facebook page!
4. Megan Fox loses support: We’ve already covered why the actress was fired from “Transformers,” but now her biggest supporter, Shia LaBeouf, has even admitted that it was the Hitler comment, not her “woman empowerment stuff,” that caused director Michael Bay to can her.
5. Pixar’s first poster for its latest film, “Brave”:
The description makes the movie sound like a Scottish fairytale told by your fairly drunk uncle. You know what, I don’t care. Sign me up for two tickets, please.
6. “Jackass” star escaped Ryan Dunn’s fate: You could have put money on the reckless Steve Glover (aka Steve-O) being the first one of the “Jackass” kids to die tragically. But he is now sober, thanks to the support of Johnny Knoxville and the rest of the cast, and is talking openly about his drug use for the first time in interviews.
7. “The Muppets” get official trailer: I would say there are officially too many trailers for this movie, but when it comes to the Muppets, there is no such thing as too many anything.
9. The real cost of the royal wedding: The demand for the morning after pill tripled in Northamptonshire the weekend after Kate married William. America’s rates of emergency contraceptive stayed approximately the same.
10. Most surprising rehab celeb story: “Glee’s” Cory Monteith, opens up to Parade magazine this week about hitting rock bottom at age 19. “I stole a significant amount of money from a family member,” said the actor who plays Finn on the Fox show, “I’m lucky on so many counts — I’m lucky to be alive.”
I’m not going to lie, this is a very good investigative piece, but I honestly assumed that all of these kinds of ads are scams. It would be kind of weird if it turned out that someone was actually trying to give away a completely free weight-loss system via annoying Internet pop-ups.
The (Condensed) Grammy Award Broadcast 
Predictions from Tarmac the Magnificent 
A passport to utopia 
“The Fault in Our Stars” and “There Is No Dog”: Not kids’ stuff 
Ricky Gervais: My conscience never takes a day off 
Lessons of a very sexy pirate costume 
America’s failed promise of equal opportunity 
Is gay literature over? 
A voice that touched us all 
Whitney Houston dies at 48 
Didn’t she almost have it all? 
Porn’s taboo transsexual stars 
