SALON

Thursday, Feb 23, 2012 1:00 AM UTC

Writing the “I’m gay” letter

I led her on but now I have to tell her the truth: I prefer men

By

Topics: Since You Asked, relationships,

Writing the (Credit: Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Dear Cary,

I have accepted my sexuality as gay, from as far back in early childhood as I can remember.

My girlfriend and I have been close friends for almost two years; we worked together. We are both virgins. She went overseas for a two-year job, which she accepted and I encouraged. It’s six months before she arrives back in New Zealand. I once terminated our relationship and was given another chance. At that time, I hesitated to leave her for men because she really, really likes me.

But I am gay and I need to send her the email below to tell her what I am feeling emotionally and at the moment:

Hi _____,

There’s something keeping us both from progressing in the relationship. As perfect as you are to me, it’s about something I’ve thought about since I was a wee tot.

I’m bisexual or gay, unsure.

I don’t want to hurt you, but I owe it to you. You know I really DO care about you? But I can’t change who I am. Sexuality isn’t a choice I can make.

I think there are loads of possibilities that my outlook can change in the future. It’s unsettling, horrible, which I need to go through on my own.

We’re still the same and always will be.

What do you think of my letter? Should I send it?

B. Smile

Dear B. Smile,

Good for you. You are taking a courageous step. I applaud your honesty.

Before you send your letter, there is one thing I would change, and I’ll tell you why.

Sometimes when we want people to be happy we tell them the things we wish to be true. You may wish that you and she would stay the same. You may wish this with all your heart. But the truth is that your relationship is changing.

You can be friends, but you are ending the romantic part of the relationship.

Here is how I suggest you change the letter:

Hi _____,

There’s something keeping us both from progressing in the relationship. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was a wee tot.

I’m bisexual or gay, unsure.

As perfect as you are to me, I don’t want to hurt you. But I owe it to you to tell you.

You know I really DO care about you? But I can’t change who I am. Sexuality isn’t a choice I can make.

This is hard for me, but it is something I need to go through on my own.

I’m sorry I was not honest with you from the start. At times I wasn’t completely sure myself. But I want you to know the truth. We cannot be a romantic couple because I am gay.

That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I will always be your friend. All I ask is that you accept me as I am.

As you see, I’ve added something as well. I felt it was important for you to acknowledge not being completely honest with her in the past. That may have hurt her. I hope you don’t mind. If there is anything you want to change, please do so. These are just suggestions. It’s your letter.

Good luck, and congratulations on taking a courageous and important step. I hope that you and she will remain lifelong friends.

Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column and leads writing workshops and retreats.

  • Send me a letter! Ask for advice!
    • Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
Writing Workshop in Amsterdam More Cary Tennis.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 63 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: Chekhov's story mirrors Russia's own

Recommendations