2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Luis Suárez, last seen ripping out English hearts with his bare teeth, was at it again during Uruguay’s pivotal group stage match against Italy Tuesday afternoon. The mercurial striker found himself jockeying for position in the box against Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini when this happened:
Here’s the money shot for you “CSI” fans out there:
Chiellini sprinted toward the referees to reveal his fresh gash to no avail. Suarez went uncarded, and the Italian defender suffered further indignity when Uruguay’s Gastón Ramírez pulled Chiellini’s jersey sleeve over his wound. (We can only presume that this episode will inspire its own one-act opera.)
This is not the first time Suárez has allegedly sunk his sizable chompers into an opponent. In 2010, he was suspended for seven games by the Dutch Football Federation after biting PSV Eindhoven midfielder Otman Bakkal. Last year he was banned for 10 games, this time by the English Premiere League, after a similar altercation with Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic. He was also suspended eight games and fined £40,000 in 2011 after hurling a racial epithet at French national and Manchester United defender Patrice Evra, so his reputation for scumbaggery long precedes him.
Uruguay would ultimately prevail 1-0 on a thrilling goal off the back of Diego Godín to advance to the knockout stage of the World Cup, but its star forward proved less fortunate in escaping Twitter’s wrath. Here’s a small sampling of our favorite reaction tweets:
That's Suarez's Street Fighter finishing move.— netw3rk (@netw3rk) June 24, 2014
"Mr. Suarez, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie OH MY GOD YOU'RE SWALLOWING MY FOREARM YOU MONSTER"— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) June 24, 2014
There is a biter in every classroom— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) June 24, 2014
Look at the commitment. This man doesn’t bite for himself; he bites for you. pic.twitter.com/Pqbptg3rzN— Miriti Murungi (@NutmegRadio) June 24, 2014
Little-known fact: Suarez was a big Niners fan back in the day. pic.twitter.com/3lxhUTwPXp— Erik Malinowski (@erikmal) June 24, 2014
"what do you mean 'you people'" - suarez, other vampires— Rembert Browne (@rembert) June 24, 2014
Re-enactment of Suarez Incident: https://t.co/zWlW3u4SW0— Kevin McElroy (@knickerbacker) June 24, 2014
And Suarez is contemptuously flossing at the Italy side. A very dark day here for football. You don't like to see that.— Jeb Lund (@Mobute) June 24, 2014
Luis Suarez basically Aaron Hernandez with teeth— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 24, 2014
If you don't think that was a bite, you probably thought that wasn't Anthony Weiner's dick the second time around.— Tom Ley (@ToLey88) June 24, 2014
Jacob Sugarman is Salon's cover editor and the editor of Open Salon. You can follow him on twitter @jakesugarman.More Jacob Sugarman.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.