Let’s all annoy Ann Coulter! Seven things to irritate the conservative performance artist

We know -- Coulter hates soccer. With the World Cup over, here's what her ludicrous column might rail against next

Topics: Ann Coulter, Archie, Sting, The Last Ship, iggy azalea, Song of the summer, Warren Harding, World Cup, Editor's Picks, Girls, Beyonce,

Let's all annoy Ann Coulter! Seven things to irritate the conservative performance artistAnn Coulter (Credit: Jeff Malet, maletphoto.com)

The World Cup is over. The German players have won and have kissed the trophy. Swabs of their saliva have discreetly been taken by NSA operatives. There is nothing left for us to do, as a civilization, but to turn and face the next pressing challenge:

What else can we use to piss off Ann Coulter?

It’s probably not a perfect benchmark, but as imperfect benchmarks go, it’s not bad. If we’re pissing off Ann Coulter, we’re probably on the right track.

Also, it’s fun.

So let’s take a look around.

1. The death of Archie. He took a bullet intended for his friend, a gay married senator and gun control activist. I confess I never saw this coming (and neither did Archie, apparently). I thought Archie was pure Middle America and probably a McCain Republican. But it’s hard to imagine how his sudden death could be any bigger an affront to the Blond Veronica unless Jughead were to reveal that he is really Bowe Bergdahl. (Seriously, there is a passing resemblance.)

2. The Sting Musical. Let’s be honest. “The Last Ship” may drop its anchor pretty heavily on many of us who are not Ann Coulter. But if the environmentalist and Amnesty International backer has a Broadway hit, that’s going to weigh heavily on the polar bear mocker and waterboarding maven.

3. The Song of the Summer. Nobody knows yet what the Song of the Summer – if there is one – will be, but there are several scenarios that would play into Coulter’s horror at international culture creep. Let’s take Ann’s worst-case scenario first: The song of the summer is “Am I Wrong?” by Nico and Vinz. They are from Norway. They are black. They sound vaguely African and a lot like Sting. They’re like a World Cup soccer team available in gel capsule form. They would have roughly the effect on AC that holy water has on Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” Second worst case: “Rude” by Magic! Canadian reggae artists. Need I say more? Most likely case: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea. Coulter’s exact feelings about hip-hop are slightly elusive. She once compared President Obama to Flavor Flav in a manner not intended to be flattering. So maybe she wouldn’t mind an Australian hijacking an American art form she doesn’t even like. but betting on her not minding something is usually long odds.

You Might Also Like

4. The Warren G. Harding Letters. A Republican double-philanderer-president who referred to his penis as “Jerry”? This will be tough gristle for La Splendid Splinter to chew on, although I was somewhat persuaded by a conversation I had with Robert Plunket – author of the fabulous comic novel “My Search for Warren G. Harding” – in which Plunket averred that the sheer courtliness and solicitous praise in Harding’s effusions redeem him. I cannot bring myself to dislike a man who passes along a message from his penis Jerry who “told me to say that you are the best and darlingest in the world, and if he could have but one wish, it would be to be held in your darling embrace and be thrilled by your pink lips that convey the surpassing rapture of human touch and the unspeakable joy of love’s surpassing embrace.”

5. The Tour de France. This is the obvious one, right? All of the foreignness and crypto-socialist cooperation that Coulter hates about soccer can be transferred to the Tour. Yellow (good) jerseys instead of yellow (bad) cards. Announcers with accents. Rules and strategies she does not understand. And America is most prominently known, at this point, for cheating.

6. A piece of performance art that is not currently in the works. Coulter has a way of tipping her hand about what she reviles. In her infamous anti-soccer rant, she wrote:  “The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s ‘Girls,’ light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.” Somebody get on this, and put it up on Kickstarter. I’m picturing a chamber opera in which Bey and Hillary meet Marnie and Hannah on the MAX Red Line in Portland. “Drunk in Love With Adam, Charlie and Bill.”

7. The viral video with the tiny hedgehog and two hamsters eating eenie weenie pieces of birthday cake.  I have no proof but: Look at her. Think about everything you know about her. What are the odds she’s not a hard crush fetishist?

That’s all I’ve got, but it’s a lot.  Enjoy your summer, and relish it even more knowing that every time you experience stirrings of happiness, something about that is pissing off Ann Coulter.

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • 1 of 11
  • Close
  • Fullscreen
  • Thumbnails
    Martyna Blaszczyk/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 1

    Pond de l'Archeveche - hundreds thousands of padlocks locked to a bridge by random couples, as a symbol of their eternal love. After another iconic Pont des Arts bridge was cleared of the padlocks in 2010 (as a safety measure), people started to place their love symbols on this one. Today both of the bridges are full of love locks again.

    Anders Andersson/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 2

    A bird's view of tulip fields near Voorhout in the Netherlands, photographed with a drone in April 2015.

    Aashit Desai/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 3

    Angalamman Festival is celebrated every year in a small town called Kaveripattinam in Tamil Nadu. Devotees, numbering in tens of thousands, converge in this town the day after Maha Shivratri to worship the deity Angalamman, meaning 'The Guardian God'. During the festival some of the worshippers paint their faces that personifies Goddess Kali. Other indulge in the ritual of piercing iron rods throughout their cheeks.

    Allan Gichigi/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 4

    Kit Mikai is a natural rock formation about 40m high found in Western Kenya. She goes up the rocks regularly to meditate. Kit Mikai, Kenya

    Chris Ludlow/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 5

    On a weekend trip to buffalo from Toronto we made a pit stop at Niagara Falls on the Canadian side. I took this shot with my nexus 5 smartphone. I was randomly shooting the falls themselves from different viewpoints when I happened to get a pretty lucky and interesting shot of this lone seagull on patrol over the falls. I didn't even realize I had captured it in the shot until I went back through the photos a few days later

    Jassen T./National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 6

    Incredibly beautiful and extremely remote. Koehn Lake, Mojave Desert, California. Aerial Image.

    Howard Singleton/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 7

    Lucky timing! The oxpecker was originally sitting on hippo's head. I could see the hippo was going into a huge yawn (threat display?) and the oxpecker had to vacate it's perch. When I snapped the pic, the oxpecker appeared on the verge of being inhaled and was perfectly positioned between the massive gaping jaws of the hippo. The oxpecker also appears to be screeching in terror and back-pedaling to avoid being a snack!

    Abrar Mohsin/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 8

    The Yetis of Nepal - The Aghoris as they are called are marked by colorful body paint and clothes

    Madeline Crowley/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 9

    Taken from a zodiac raft on a painfully cold, rainy day

    Ian Bird/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

    National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest Entries

    Slide 10

    This wave is situated right near the CBD of Sydney. Some describe it as the most dangerous wave in Australia, due to it breaking on barnacle covered rocks only a few feet deep and only ten metres from the cliff face. If you fall off you could find yourself in a life and death situation. This photo was taken 300 feet directly above the wave from a helicopter, just as the surfer is pulling into the lip of the barrel.

  • Recent Slide Shows

Comments

Loading Comments...