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Raging bull
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Dear Mr. Blue, I love my husband deeply. Most of the time he is a funny and kind
man. However, when he is under stress he is prone to fits of rage. They
are never directed at me and they don't last long, yet he feels the need
to rant over trivial things. He feels that I am not being supportive if
I don't commiserate in his woes. It is starting to affect his job and our relationship. I'm afraid that
most people do not get to see the good side of him, but only the overreacting beast who emerges in times of stress. I don't know how to help
him or if I can. Is this something he should be getting professional
help with? Weary of the Anger Dear Weary, Yes, I think so. Anger is often a leading symptom of depression, especially in men. And it
doesn't heal itself. And there are plenty of consulting psychologists who specialize in
anger-management counseling. The problem, of course, is how to persuade the mountain to
go to Muhammad. You love this man and you are the best authority on how to encourage a little introspection
that might let him see the problem. First of all, read up on the subject of anger and its
management. You might find something in the literature that your husband would be willing
to read. At some point, ask him to set aside a couple of hours for a family discussion --
schedule this, so he has time to think in advance. Is there a close male friend of your
husband's, perhaps a brother or cousin he's close to, who might be willing to sit down with
you and your husband and discuss his behavior -- his "emotionalism" or "crabbiness" or
"explosiveness" or whatever term he'd be willing to admit to -- and how it affects other
people. Somehow, in a calm way, you need to bring this to his attention and ask if he's
willing, for his own sake, to work on controlling his anger. He may need to crash
and burn before he's ready to get professional help, but you might be able to arrange an
emergency landing. Dear Mr. Blue, I am not unattractive, not unintelligent, not terribly
eccentric and only mildly shy. I've been on many first and
second dates. I have made small talk, made eye contact, flirted,
had a good time, thought my dates were having fun, but the second date always feels just
like the first and there is rarely a third. Why can't I connect? I have made
an endless string of acquaintances in my dating life but not a
single friend (and obviously nothing more). How do "normal"
people get to really know each other? How do they transition
from small talk to big talk? Why do I keep getting lost on the
road from Point A to Point B? Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Hoping Dear Hoping, You're asking me how normal people do it? Me? A guy in St. Paul who sits in his garret chuckling to himself as he pens made-up stories about an imaginary town? Well, OK. It strikes me that something in you resists making that transition from "Lovely weather we're having" to talking about yourself, your life, your family, your hopes and dreams and fears, which is how people connect. There is a confessional stage, where you fill each other in on your respective histories, and each of you is avid to hear about the other. Avidity is hard to fake (and why would you want to?), and it's hard to fake a connection that isn't there. So perhaps you're saving yourself time by cutting these folks loose. But who is lining these dates up for you? A computer? Your Aunt Agnes? Whoever is scheduling your social life is not working on all six cylinders. Get a new appointments secretary. Don't date dolts. And if you date intelligent and attractive and interesting people, and you're still not connecting to them, then let's talk again. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband is an artist and fine-art framer and works at an up-and-coming art gallery with a friend, where his own work hangs and has been selling well as of late. His friend, however, is not the best of managers and short-sells my husband's work, never offers positive comments and keeps my husband out of the loop. When the business was in danger of closing at the beginning of the year, my husband took a fairly steep cut in wages. Now he's getting paid just a bit above minimum wage and has no benefits. He can't just quit, because he has a muscle condition that makes certain motor functions difficult. Fortunately, I'm in a good job and I have insurance. We live simply and are very happy with our books, CDs and camping trips. Sometimes I feel angry because I want him to get paid what he's worth. He would like to make more, too, but his happiness at his job seems to outweigh the unhappy aspects. How do I best support him? How can I urge him on to find better opportunities without making him feel nagged or inadequate? Droopy Magnolia Dear Droopy, Forgive me if I'm leaping to an unwarranted conclusion, but it sounds as if neither your husband nor you has actually spoken to Mr. Legree and asked for a better deal. It sounds as if you've only groused about it to each other. Maybe you should approach the man, as your husband's agent. Artists tend not to expect much in the way of financial reward; they are entrepreneurs but seldom shrewd at business, and that's where agents come in. Put away your anger entirely, and speak to the gallery owner about raising the price of the work and paying a better wage. Sometimes all you need to do is ask. If he says no, then look for better opportunities. Dear Mr. Blue, I am living with my boyfriend of four years but am starting to feel it's time to move on. I no longer desire him sexually and think of him more as a friend (a really, really good friend who I will probably lose). Problem is, we have a lease till next May, and no way can I afford paying half the rent plus rent for some other place that I would move into. I have no savings and a lot of debt. So do I stay living with my boyfriend, even though I feel like a fraud and he can tell something is wrong, or do I just say fuck it, move away and see where the chips may fall? Ready To Fly Dear Ready, If you're old enough to live with your boyfriend and cosign a lease, then you're old enough to figure this out. The correct answer is not A or B. It is C. It means that you'll go a little deeper into debt and your really, really good friend may become simply your good friend, but it's the right thing to do.
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