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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I meditated on what holiday gifts might motivate you to take maximum advantage of your astrological opportunities in 2001. Here’s what I came up with.
1. An antique slot machine. It would serve as a symbolic statement that all of your impulsive risks and “odds are stacked against you” gambles are things of the past.
2. A golden hammer to inspire you to engage in a refined smashing of taboos.
3. A World Passport. It might prod you to fulfill the cosmic omens that are suggesting you should travel far and wide.
4. A Three Stooges Shower Curtain, featuring likenesses of Larry, Moe and Curly: Just because you’ll need to be goofier on a regular basis more than ever before.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The coming year may bring a motley parade of exaggeration and extravagance. You could be offered heaps of things you don’t need, making it hard to focus on the truly valuable boons that’ll also be available. Want to prevent this future from occurring? You can. All you have to do is rouse the force of your will to new heights. With a clear vision of what you really need and a burning intention not to get distracted by inferior or irrelevant gifts, you will guide your fate in the direction of felicitous abundance, not useless excess.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In Jon Rappoport’s book, “The Secret Behind Secret Societies,” hypnotist Jack True is quoted as claiming that he rarely practices his craft anymore. Most of his clients, he explains, are already in a light trance when they come to see him. “I mainly find myself doing reverse-hypnosis these days,” he adds. “I do things to wake people up.” I’ve noticed this mass-hypnosis problem myself, Gemini. The good news is that your tribe doesn’t suffer from it more than any other sign. The great news is that 2001 will be a breakout year for you, meaning you’ll have extra impetus to shed automatic behavior and escape from the spells you’ve been under. To aid your liberation, I pledge to slip lots of wakeup calls into your horoscopes in the coming months.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I would never try to talk you into being as predatory and cold-blooded as a shark. On the other hand, I’d dearly love for you to develop a rougher, tougher determination to succeed in this cruel, crazy world. How about if we work on making you maybe 10 percent as predatory and cold-blooded as a shark? I promise we’ll stay utterly respectful towards the other 90 percent of you that is more like a mermaid, dolphin or crab. If you’re game for trying this approach in 2001, I suggest you buy this holiday gift to inspire you: a wireless, radio-controlled, helium-filled flying shark. It’s available at (800) 843-0762.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In my meditations about what holiday gifts you’d benefit from, I keep seeing how crucial it’ll be for you to make beauty a more routine part of your life in 2001. And I do mean it’ll be crucial, not just pleasant. To cultivate optimum health, you’ll need frequent exposure to delightful grace, gorgeous elegance and primal loveliness. I trust you have an intuitive sense of which objects and experiences will accomplish this best. If not, find out. Here’s a simple suggestion to get you started: Buy refrigerator magnets that replicate French Impressionist paintings. They’re available at (800) 225-5592 or Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts online shop.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Virgo! I’ve been meditating on what symbolic holiday gift might help you ward off the pesky little demons of unwanted thoughts in 2001. Ideally, this boon would inspire you to keep your substantial mental powers focused and grounded. It would discourage you from getting ensnared in 10,000 trivial diversions, and thereby allow you to fully exploit your brilliant attention to detail. I think I’ve come up with an object that should do the trick: a statue of Rodin’s “The Thinker” seated on a tractor. If no one will buy it for you, give it to yourself.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Astrologer Caroline Casey has an interesting take on the influence of our solar system’s largest planet. She says that Jupiter’s message to us is always “I will make everything bigger.” The proper response to this invitation/threat, Casey suggests, is to become very clear about what parts of your life you’d like to expand, and then to prune those aspects that you don’t want to see grow. This will be a key task for you in the coming months, Libra, because Jupiter’s power to enlarge and amplify everything will be sweeping through your life with extra force.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I know you adore enigmas wrapped within conundrums, Scorpio. They’re like soul food for you. But 2001 may satiate even your voracious hunger. Since you’re liable to see several events that you previously thought had zero chance of happening, I suggest you get yourself a holiday gift that’ll prepare you: an electric flying pig with a 17-inch wingspan. It’s available at (800) 843-0762. Or how about the “Detective Lab” kit from MuseumTour at (800) 360-9116? It teaches aspiring sleuths to hone their observational powers and meticulously gather evidence. Given the tantalizing mysteries you’ll encounter in the coming months, it could be the perfect plaything.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Last week’s horoscope urged you to buy yourself an engagement ring in preparation for getting married to yourself in 2001. What I didn’t suggest until now is that a self-wedding ritual would be an act of transformative magic that’ll almost certainly induce the arrival of a challenging new consort or the renaissance of an existing intimate relationship. In light of that sweet hope, let me offer a suggestion about what to give yourself for the holidays: two rubber duckies to ensure that your future togetherness always includes lots of playtime, and the ultimate manual for creating a spiritually vital relationship, John Welwood’s book, “Love and Awakening.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): One of the blessings I hope you can harvest in 2001 is a growing skill in the right use of memory. What would that involve, exactly? On the one hand, it would mean you’d cultivate a strong grasp of historical patterns; you’d be a keen student of the twists and turns of your own life’s journey. On the other hand, you wouldn’t force every new event to be evaluated solely in terms of what has happened in the past; you’d recognize that some experiences may be mostly fresh. The best gift to give yourself this holiday season — the object that’ll symbolize your subtle task — is a two-way mirror.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You Aquarians aren’t renowned for having green thumbs. Some astrologers consider your tribe to be dead last in the zodiac’s “best gardener” rankings. Judging from the astrological aspects in late 2000 and the first half of 2001, however, I believe you’ve already been possessed by a fertility god or goddess. (Don’t worry: It’s a mostly benevolent, not demonic, takeover.) This means you’re likely to be quite potent whenever you lend your vibes to the magic of sprouting and growing. It also suggests your creative output and romantic fecundity will soar to all-time highs. To nurture these wonders, I suggest you give yourself the gift of a homemade altar this holiday season. Pack it with symbols of lush abundance, like packages of seeds and photos of rain forests.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Are birds motivated to chirp their lovely melodies from the sheer joy of being alive and as a way to impress potential mates? Maybe a little. Mostly, though, their crooning is a way to stake out their turf. We might conclude from this that singing provides an instinctual way to build and express authority. That’s one reason I hope you’ll be belting out a lot more tunes in 2001 — in the shower, in the car while driving, in the middle of boring committee meetings or any time you need to invoke more command. Consider getting yourself a home karaoke machine as a holiday gift.

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Guerrilla ritual time, everyone. Sometime on the solstice, Thursday, Dec. 21, let’s all devote five minutes to visualizing the fulfillment of our most holy desire. freewillastrology.com.

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Dear Rev. Brezsny: Is there a time limit on your weekly predictions? Are they like milk that spoils if not used by the date stamped on the carton? I’m wondering because I really liked the prediction you made two weeks ago — that we Aries would find enlightenment — but I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to capitalize on your offer. Is it still good? — Tardy Ram.”

Dear Tardy: My oracles are generally fresh for eight to 10 days. However, the Aries horoscope from late November — the one that promised a bolt of spiritual wisdom — may still be in effect if you’ve made full use of the rowdy, playful energy the cosmos has made available lately. Have you been tenderly making fun of everything, especially yourself? If so, expect a divine breakthrough.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “All that most maddens and torments; … all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby-Dick.” So wrote Herman Melville in his novel about the white whale relentlessly pursued by Captain Ahab. I offer up this passage to you, Taurus, to encourage you to find your own ultimate scapegoat. Though I usually preach the path of love and peace, this week is one of those rare times when you’ll be smart to feel your wrath in its pure state. There’s no need to actually punch or scream at your chosen symbol of devilry. Merely allowing yourself to guiltlessly experience white-hot anger will be amazingly healing.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the view of ace astrologer Caroline Casey, Jupiter is the planet that tells you, “I will make you a wealthy person according to what you define as wealth.” Her crisp truth has a heightened importance for you and your tribe, as Jupiter is now in Gemini and will continue to be until next July. If I were you, I’d get very clear on what you plan to treat as your greatest treasures during the next 12 years. Money? Good allies and strong community? The ability to communicate powerfully? Abundant creativity? Love that intrigues and stabilizes you?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): My dear fellow Crab, I hope you and I can collaborate in 2001 to dispel two of our most harmful delusions. The first is that it’s possible for us to benefit through other people’s losses. The second is that we may have to hurt ourselves in order to help someone else. Our conscious minds may have pooh-poohed these energy-draining misconceptions long ago, but I’m afraid that stubborn remnants still persist in our subconscious patterns. Let’s devote our fiercest willpower to dissolving them in the coming months. And let’s begin today.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The star of Frederick Buechner’s book “On the Road With the Archangel” is the archangel Raphael. This supernatural helper has a tough gig: gathering up the prayers of human beings and delivering them to God. Here’s how he describes the range of pleas he hears: “There are prayers of such power that you might say they carry me rather than the other way around … There are prayers so apologetic and shamefaced and halfhearted that they all but melt away in my grasp like sad little flakes of snow. Some prayers are very boring.” I wanted you to read this passage now, Leo, while you’re at the height of your power to ask for what you want. May it inspire you to express prayers of such potent grace that they blow the archangel’s mind.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): People who have recently fallen in love almost never get sick. Several studies show that the immune system performs at peak efficiency for those lucky fools in the throes of deep infatuation. That’s one reason why I’m recommending that you Virgos adopt an additional self-care strategy as the cold and flu season begins: Plunge into a passionate, adoring state of blissful connection — if not with a brand-new partner, then with an old familiar one. There is another reason I’m suggesting this action: The planetary omens tell me that the gods are conspiring to whip up a good strong lovefest in your vicinity, and I thought you might want to cooperate with them.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Even as everyone around you increasingly acts as if he or she is waging a pitched battle against the clock, the planetary omens tell me that you’ll cultivate a more relaxed relationship with time in 2001. That’s the good news. The great news is that you should be able to pull off this revolutionary feat without any loss of energy: I predict you’ll have more sparky verve at your disposal than ever before. There are two holiday gifts you can give yourself to encourage these developments. The first is a round-trip ticket to a funky paradise where the natives observe a more luxurious tempo. The second is a sundial, to remind you of the cosmic origins of time’s passing.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How did you get so good at bringing passion into ordinary events? What uncanny power allows you to transmute chaos into creativity? What events in your life taught you to apply death’s lessons to living a deeper and wilder life? And why, when I try to fathom your current mysteries, do I get visions of luscious Chilean grapes arriving in the stores of snowbound Warsaw, Poland? (Homework: Ask yourself four more questions in this style.)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! If I could bless you with just one holiday gift, it would be a Tiffany diamond engagement ring. Actually, I’d give it to you in the hope that you would give it to yourself. I’d want you to slip it on your finger as you pledged to get married to yourself in 2001. Maybe you’d even be inspired to begin planning that happy day (sometime in the first two weeks of June?) when you will proclaim, “I am no longer looking for the perfect person. I am that perfect person.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Judging from upcoming astrological omens, I believe you’ll need to resort to using smoke and mirrors on more than a few occasions in 2001. That’s not to say your efforts will be phony or dishonest. On the contrary, I think you’ll have a lot of integrity. It’s just that some of the VIPs you’ll have to persuade to go along with your plans may not do so unless you conjure up irresistible magical effects. Having provided this explanation, I think you can see why I’d love to buy you symbolic gifts like a fog machine and a dozen funhouse mirrors this holiday season.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I bet you’d enjoy turkey bowling in a grocery store this week. (Set up paper towel rolls as the pins and use a frozen turkey as the bowling ball.) You might also get a lot of pleasure from sleeping with snakes or competing in blowgun shooting contests or spray-painting passages from James Joyce on bridges. Yes, Aquarius, seeking out exotic adventures like these could very well help you scratch the weird itches you’re feeling. Truthfully, though, I’d prefer to see you dabble in more practical experiments. Like maybe you could get a rich attorney to buy you expensive dinners in exchange for your writing dirty stories about his enemies. Or perhaps you could win new friends and influence people by embodying Salvador Dali’s brag: “I do not take drugs — I am drugs.”

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Thirty years ago, protesters of the Vietnam War burned their draft cards to signify their refusal to be conscripted. Feminists torched their bras back then, too, declaring their liberation from constricting conventions. In the late 1980s, as the ravages of America’s greedocracy began to expand beyond poor folks, some debt-ridden members of the middle class set fire to their credit cards. It is in the spirit of these symbolic rituals that I offer my gift suggestion for you this holiday season, Pisces: a doormat, lighter fluid and matches. As you use the latter two items to incinerate that emblem of victimhood, you will assert your intention to no longer be so easily walked upon in 2001.

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In the astrological worldview, this week is the last gasp of the yearly cycle. A good way to celebrate is to bid farewell to outworn approaches and lost causes. Tell me if you do. Write: freewillastrology.com.

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Given the untamed impulses that are now erupting within you, I should remind you to use a knife, fork and spoon when you’re eating in the company of other people (though it’s fine to shovel it in with your fingers when you’re alone). Another suggestion: If you’re overtaken by the urge to guffaw or yell triumphantly, try not to do it right in the face of the person sitting next to you. Finally, if you jump up on the dinner table to dance or belt out a song, please avoid stepping on your fellow diners’ plates. Other than that, Aries, I’d like to give you pretty much free rein to express yourself without inhibition this week.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Every square mile of our planet has been thoroughly explored, right? Wrong. Vast expanses of the ocean floor, amounting to two-and-a-half times the size of the Earth’s land masses, remain a secret. The situation reminds me of you, Taurus. As much as you think you know about yourself, the uncharted areas of your psyche are far larger than the places you’ve mapped. I mention this because it’s an excellent time, from an astrological perspective, to plumb your mysterious depths. Somewhere in there, a New World awaits discovery.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Is it possible, as Marshall McLuhan theorized, that we become what we behold? I find some big grains of truth in that idea. That’s why I believe you should be vigilant about what scenes you allow to pour in through both your physical eyes and your mind’s eye — especially now, when you’re more suggestible than usual. There’s another step you can take to safeguard yourself, Gemini, and that’s to sharpen your perceptions. Beneath all the ugliness out there is a lot of well-hidden beauty. So look deeper and clearer. Listen closer and softer. Touch slower and wilder.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You really should buy yourself a luxury car. Owning one will make you feel great about yourself. To pump up your self-esteem even further, surround yourself with starry-eyed admirers and show off your superior intelligence with snide witticisms about wimpy scapegoats. Won’t it be fun to strut and crow for a change? Ha! Did you fall for my disinformation, Cancer? I was testing you — to see if you’re susceptible to lies and hype that pander to the superficial parts of your ego. The planetary omens have alerted me to the possibility that you’ll be led astray by sweet-talking manipulators. Your false pride may even be threatening to overthrow your soul’s confidence. Solution: Make skepticism your ally; be cheerfully humble.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Was I really the Greek philosopher Socrates in my past life, as has been rumored on the Internet? Nah. I was merely his student. But my time with the great teacher did endow me with a highly developed capacity for asking questions. And that could come in handy for you. Ready to find the answers you need? Here goes. What is the creation that most defines who you are now? What creation will most define who you are two years from today? Have you worked your buts off in order to nurture the forms of self-expression you love? (Please note: That does not say “butts” but, rather, “buts,” as in the plural of the excuse-ridden word “but.”) In 2001, are you willing to strive harder than ever before to nurture the forms of self-expression you love? Why or why not?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Turns out there’s even a bit of virgin forest in America’s biggest, loudest city. It’s at the upper tip of Manhattan, near the Cloisters, a branch of the Metropolitan Museum. If you’re a New Yawker who lives within 20 miles of that oasis, I urge you to steep yourself in its pristine vibe this week. All the rest of you Virgos, please find an equivalent sanctuary in your own neck of the woods. In my astrological opinion, you need to do more than merely flirt with the great outdoors in the weeks and months to come. To dig up the intuitions that will seed your success in 2001, you should regenerate your link with primeval nature.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I once interviewed a rodeo clown turned pro miniature golfer who could recite the Bhagavad-Gita by heart while shooting holes in one with a blindfold on. I’ve played strip backgammon with the woman president of anti-animal-nudity activist group Society for Indecency to Naked Animals. I have bid at an auction where a 1975 Ford Escort formerly owned by the pope sold for $102,000. But none of these weird wonders prepared me for this week’s incredible spectacle: millions of Libras telling everyone in their lives, “I don’t care what you want me to do or what you think of me, because this time I’m going to do what I damn well please.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “From the moment we enter school or church,” says Uruguayan writer Eduardo Galeano, “education chops us into pieces: It teaches us to divorce soul from body and mind from heart.” I would add that most of us come to terms with this schizo state through numbness and denial. Though it always distorts our lives, right now it’s causing special pain for you Scorpios. Alas, none of our familiar cultural traditions offers a remedy. If you hope to unify your fragments — and this is prime time to try — I suggest you look for help in these three ways: feisty conversations with your higher self, homemade prayers to the most playful version of God you can imagine or consultations with teachers and literature that are so far outside the mainstream that they’re virtually secret.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I know a Sagittarius woman with an abundance of raw courage. She sky-dives and hang-glides. She has risked arrest by abusive cops during World Trade Organization protests and trekked the jungles of Guatemala alone. On the other hand, she steadfastly avoids facing her inner demons. Instead, she projects them onto friends and acquaintances and then banishes those people from her life. This psychological cowardice has become more invisible to her as she has grown more daring in her physical exploits. The bad news, dear Centaur, is that many of your tribe suffer from a milder version of this imbalance. The good news is that the coming months will bring rich opportunities to correct the problem. The glorious transformation can start with the meditations you hatch this week.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Many people are under the impression that discussing a problem is the same thing as doing something about it. Not you, though. You have a deserved reputation as a man or woman of action. Walking your talk is your specialty. I would like to note, however, that every now and then, discussing a problem is actually better than doing something about it. An uninhibited exchange of ideas and feelings, when done in a setting where mutual tolerance rules, can dissolve a logjam so thoroughly that no other adjustment is necessary. Now is such a time, Capricorn.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): How could you possibly be ahead of your time but behind in your schedule? You tell me. Maybe you’re afraid to stop procrastinating because that would put you even further ahead of your time. And you have already endured enough rejection from people who aren’t ready for your innovations. Let’s face it: The majority will always prefer future schlock to future shock. But are you man enough or woman enough to decide here and now that you’ll no longer let the lowest common denominator hold you back? There has never been a better time to gather allies who love you to dream your most visionary dreams.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Dear Gorgeous Force of Nature: As one of the emissaries assigned the lucky task of ensuring that you get all the gifts you deserve, I’m happy to announce the imminent arrival of a big, hot batch. Please don’t feel the least bit guilty about receiving so many blessings, and don’t you dare indulge in the slightest shyness about raking them all in. You may sometimes fantasize that you’re being unduly rewarded, but I assure you that you have thoroughly earned every boost of sweetness that will be coming your way. Love, the Ambassador of Delight.

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Send me a parable that captures what your life has been like in 2000: freewillastrology.com.

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity. They believe that through diligent meditation and self-improvement, there will come a day when they will finally acquire it, free and clear. It will be theirs forever. Their struggles will be over. But here’s what I have to say about that: Arrrgggghh! I believe that even if you’re lucky and wise enough to score a sliver of “enlightenment,” it’s not a static treasure that becomes your permanent possession. Rather, it always remains a mercurial prize that must be continually reearned. Having issued this warning, Aries, I feel fine about informing you that your mind may soon become so open and your vision so vast that you could snag yourself a tasty, concentrated dose of that enlightenment stuff.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It doesn’t matter if you’ve chanted a million Hail Marys, or made a pilgrimage to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, or done all 12 steps five times over. You will simply not be released from a history that has repeated and repeated and repeated itself — until you completely forgive yourself. Neither does it make a bit of difference if you’ve discharged your debt to society and paid your dues to those who’ve made it possible for you to have gotten as far as you have — unless you also reimburse yourself for all the grief you’ve caused yourself.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “Dear Dr. Brezsny: Can you tell me why my trivial prayers are often answered (Please don’t let the light turn red, please let there be enough milk for one cup of coffee, etc.), but never my big life-changing prayers (Please send me a soul mate, please help me make money at what I love to do)? Are God’s priorities screwed up, or is it me? — Dumb Luck Collector.”

Dear DLC: You remind me of an old fairy tale in which two old folks are given three wishes by a magic dwarf, then impulsively waste them on the first silly whims that pop into their heads. I’ll tell you what I would have told them: Proceed on the assumption that only a few of your fervent prayers will be granted. Don’t use them up on pleas for convenience when you’re tired, cranky or desperate.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Readers often ask how I come up with my oracles. There’s not enough room to give a full account here. (For further insight, check out the story on my Web site.) I will say that while I rely heavily on an analysis of planetary configurations, I do try other divinatory techniques to supplement my investigations, from reading the cards of my homemade “Baseball Tarot” deck to inducing a trance by inhaling hot ammonia water wafting from my mop bucket. This week, I experimented with a new approach: standing on my head at the bottom of an unheated swimming pool. A few minutes into the ordeal, I had a vision that you were a turtle on its back. Naturally, I immediately followed that up with a vision that I turned you right side up.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): According to ancient myth, the half-feral Greek god Pan used to scare people who were walking in the woods when he darted out suddenly from behind trees. The English word “panic” originated with him. It should be noted, however, that Pan never threatened violence; no one had to fear for his or her physical safety in his presence. He was the god of lusty abandon, of wild dancing, of the orgiastic spirit of growing nature. If passersby were at any risk, it was only because they might contract his contagious erotic obsession. I’m telling you this, Leo, so as to alert you to an imminent encounter with an archetype that is for all intents and purposes Pan.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’ll have a great opportunity to embarrass your family in the coming weeks, Virgo. I’m being only a little bit facetious. A breakthrough invitation will arrive, and in order to take full advantage of it you’ll have to rebel against all the expectations your relatives have of you — your parents, siblings, grandparents, children and probably even your ancestors! Quite a dicey challenge, my friend. It won’t be the first time you’ve had to choose between sparing your family’s feelings and pushing onto the frontiers of being yourself, but this dare will require the most ingenuity and courage.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If I had more room, I’d tutor you in a tasty slew of outlaw language lessons. We’d cover forbidden techniques like talking back to big shots, divesting yourself of your five most overused buzzwords, mastering the crafty art of Swahili obscenities and adding authority to your speech by projecting your voice from your diaphragm. Oh, and of course we’d teach you how to pack your utterances full of subliminal messages capable of changing the minds of even the most incorrigible ideologues. In lieu of my crash course, Libra, maybe you could design a do-it-yourself program. The planets are aligned in such a way as to help you boost your persuasive powers.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): So far this year I estimate my advice has saved my 9 million readers more than $2.7 billion in unnecessary expenditures. Scorpio devotees of “Free Will Astrology” have alone been inspired to avoid wasting almost $235 million. But now I’m going to suggest that you exploit some of those extra funds you’ve been able to hold onto. It’s time for you to treat yourself to the kinds of rich, expansive experiences that only money can buy. Whether it’s the professional tool that’ll allow you to leap to the next level of expertise or an educational jaunt to a South Pacific island, spend your way to happiness, please.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The renowned Japanese artist known as Hokusai (1760-1849) was a restless maverick. Throughout his career, he was driven to experiment with ever-new methods and mediums — a habit that early on alienated him from his conservative mentor, Shunsho. So passionate was the man in his commitment to reinvent himself that he celebrated 60 births, each time giving himself a new name. (“Hokusai” was just one of many.) I’d like to recommend his ebullient approach to you in the coming months, Sagittarius. To get started, why not pick a new alias and throw yourself a resurrection party?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In order to achieve his radical transmutation from a mere wise man and saint into a world teacher, Buddha had to outwit — not engage in pitched battle with — several demons. Like a martial artist trained in anger management, he carried on his fight with poised calm and good humor, not embattled rancor. May this be an inspiration to you as you come face to face with some of the ghosts of your past, Capricorn.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s a richly complicated time, Aquarius. So many threads of your fate are weaving themselves together that I could not possibly tell your story in fewer than 30,000 words. Here’s my attempt to give you a collaged impression of what to expect. Your ruling symbol is the cornucopia. Your motto is: “When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.” Your official music is the trumpet call of the archangel; your official vegetable is the hot chili pepper; and your official toy is a cross-dressing Ken doll wearing a bridal gown and wizard’s hat. Finally, the heroic deed from legend that most resembles the feat you’re about to pull off is the capture of a monster without touching it.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Tigers never take baths or brush their teeth, right? With that as his rationale, Chinese leader Mao Tse-tung vowed early in his life that he would become like a tiger by copying its approach to hygiene. Personally, I think there are better ways to infuse oneself with the spirit of the big cat — and that’s exactly what I encourage you to explore in the coming weeks. You could, for instance, sharpen up your listening and looking skills, practice moving your body with sinewy suppleness and hunt for your dreams with raw, relentless precision.

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Time for you to start channeling your inner Nostradamus. Send your earth-shaking do-it-yourself prophecies to Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915 or freewillastrology.com.

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): This will be a very entertaining transition for me to watch, Aries. I hope it’ll be as fun for you to live through. In a few short days you’ll be making the shift from undercover operative to free-spirited joy rider, from mud wrestling with the angels to trend surfing with the aliens, from behind the scenes at the human zoo to the front of the pack in the wild blue yonder. May you overflow with passionate clarity through every mouthwatering, tear-jerking, brain-cleansing minute of it all.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I bet you’ll be talking a blue streak in your sleep this week, Taurus. The quality of your oratory should be very high, too. You might want to keep a tape recorder turned on next to your bed to capture it all. To what do we owe these dazzling nocturnal emissions? Well, your subconscious mind is working overtime to process all the rich, anomalous data you’ve taken in lately. It simply won’t be able to contain all the mysteries it’s figuring out, and will have to overflow. That’s why, by the way, you may also find yourself unleashing some surprising revelations in broad daylight. Floating down streams of consciousness could be your specialty.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to work as hard at love as you do at your job. Here are a few projects:

1. Purge yourself of an impossible longing for a person you can never have.
2. Forgive and say goodbye to a person who’s no good for you.
3. Write a letter that expresses feelings you haven’t found a way to reveal in person.
4. Give your lover a new nickname, and ask him or her to bestow one on you, too.
5. Heal the effects an enemy has had on your best relationship.
6. Buy a symbolic object that will stir up sacred desires.
7. Make a pact with an ally that the two of you will try to meet in your dreams on Sunday night.
8. While making love, ask your partner to sync up with your breathing and join you in visualizing the same beautiful image.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The U.S. Air Force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons. It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Earth Island Journal reports, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.” Let this serve as your bombastic metaphor for the week, Cancerian. While nothing remotely similar to a bomb is about to go off in your life, there is a smaller-scale threat. Don’t just dabble with stopgap fixes. Totally defuse the sucker.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The opposite of a terrorist is a rapturist: a person who conspires to commit surprising interventions that make hordes of strangers happy and fulfilled. It’s what I aspire to be when I grow up. By the way, Leo, I don’t want to seem like a recruiter or anything, but it is my duty to mention that you may have what it takes to be a rapturist yourself. In the coming days especially, your talent for spreading unexpected bliss and success will be almost God-like. Be careful where you point that stuff, though; some folks are staunchly opposed to being lifted up out of their misery.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You and I have always known that we can think with our bellies. Gut instinct, we call it. Scientists, on the other hand, have always told us we were crazy to believe such a thing. But they won’t anymore. In “The Second Brain: Your Gut Has a Mind of Its Own,” Dr. Michael Gershon documents the evidence for a second brain in our stomachs and intestines. It’s here, in a bundle of 100 billion nerve cells, that our gut reactions originate. Armed with this knowledge, Virgo, you have a powerful rationale for investing more faith in the wisdom your belly provides. And the planetary omens say that would be a wonderfully wise course of action in the coming weeks. References: 1 & 2.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I dreamed you ran over a beautiful vampire while driving an old Model-T Ford down a yellow-brick road. What the heck does that mean, I wonder? Here’s my stab at a useful interpretation. You are now primed to bulldoze a superficially attractive drain on your energy; it’s in your way and you need to leave it behind if you hope to keep driving down the path to the promised land. My dream also seems to be telling you that in order to pull this off you should go back to an original prototype — symbolized by the Model-T — to serve as your motive power.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My sources at college campuses are reporting the emergence of a new trend: pimple- and blackhead-squeezing parties. “It’s a great way to instantly drop social masks and get to know the real person,” says Jamie Brooks, a sophomore at Boston College. “Our generation is tired of having to wade through glitzy packaging everywhere we go,” adds junior Carla Lipske. “Popping zits is a bonding ritual that says, ‘I accept you with all your imperfections.’” I recommend you try this or something like it in your own sphere, Scorpio. The astrological omens say it’s a perfect time to build intimacy through a total acceptance and even celebration of each other’s raw humanity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Five cowhides are needed to make the leather interior for one Lexus car. Twelve percent of the population believes that Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife. Rock music inspires termites to chew through wood at twice their usual pace. I’m happy to report, however, that factoids like these will be of absolutely no use or interest to you in the coming week, Sagittarius. That’s because your mind will be attracted primarily to expansive, uplifting meditations on your life’s master plan. You won’t have any time for piddling little blips of cynicism that might divert you from the work of making your idealism more robust.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Johannes Kepler, a Capricorn born in 1571, was not only a renowned astronomer and mathematician but also a skilled astrologer. There was no contradiction in his mind between science and mysticism. Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727) was another member of the Capricorn tribe. The encyclopedia says he “single-handedly completed the scientific revolution and molded much of the content of modern scientific thought.” What it fails to mention is that Newton was also obsessed with alchemy. He devoted years to studying and writing about it. I present this evidence to inspire you, dear Capricorn, as you enter the most metaphysical and nonrational phase of your yearly cycle. Save your brilliant logical feats for later. Now is the time for all the outlandish spiritual fun you can handle. (For further data: www.mountainastrologer.com.)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I may have to give you the nickname “Spinmeister” after this week, Aquarius. You’ve got the savvy to put the best possible face on all your recent actions, no matter how iffy or controversial they’ve been. If there’s any taint in your reputation or blemish on your record, now is the time to fire up a campaign to clear your name. It also wouldn’t hurt if you dispensed gifts and compliments to sulky folks who might be inclined to stay fixated on the history you want to correct. While you’re at it, perform an exorcism of the demons in your psyche that were responsible for the messes you hope to clean up.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I’ve know many wildly expressive Pisceans who have never found the creative outlet that would allow them to develop their full powers. One is a talented actress who’s doing singing telegrams because she hasn’t been able to craft a viable career strategy. Another is a potentially wonderful parent who has never gotten it together to have any kids. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I expect the percentage of Pisceans who suffer this fate to go way down in the coming months. Would you like to be one of these late bloomers? If so, formulate and launch a fresh new plan now.

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Homework: Express your gratitude for the enemy who has taught you the most. freewillastrology.com or Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915.