Your horoscope for the week

Mud wrestling with angels, trend surfing with aliens, an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust and a beautiful vampire.

Published November 22, 2000 8:30PM (EST)

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): This will be a very entertaining transition for me to watch, Aries. I hope it'll be as fun for you to live through. In a few short days you'll be making the shift from undercover operative to free-spirited joy rider, from mud wrestling with the angels to trend surfing with the aliens, from behind the scenes at the human zoo to the front of the pack in the wild blue yonder. May you overflow with passionate clarity through every mouthwatering, tear-jerking, brain-cleansing minute of it all.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I bet you'll be talking a blue streak in your sleep this week, Taurus. The quality of your oratory should be very high, too. You might want to keep a tape recorder turned on next to your bed to capture it all. To what do we owe these dazzling nocturnal emissions? Well, your subconscious mind is working overtime to process all the rich, anomalous data you've taken in lately. It simply won't be able to contain all the mysteries it's figuring out, and will have to overflow. That's why, by the way, you may also find yourself unleashing some surprising revelations in broad daylight. Floating down streams of consciousness could be your specialty.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to work as hard at love as you do at your job. Here are a few projects:

1. Purge yourself of an impossible longing for a person you can never have.
2. Forgive and say goodbye to a person who's no good for you.
3. Write a letter that expresses feelings you haven't found a way to reveal in person.
4. Give your lover a new nickname, and ask him or her to bestow one on you, too.
5. Heal the effects an enemy has had on your best relationship.
6. Buy a symbolic object that will stir up sacred desires.
7. Make a pact with an ally that the two of you will try to meet in your dreams on Sunday night.
8. While making love, ask your partner to sync up with your breathing and join you in visualizing the same beautiful image.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The U.S. Air Force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency's ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons. It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. "If they are ever fired," Earth Island Journal reports, "there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust." Let this serve as your bombastic metaphor for the week, Cancerian. While nothing remotely similar to a bomb is about to go off in your life, there is a smaller-scale threat. Don't just dabble with stopgap fixes. Totally defuse the sucker.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The opposite of a terrorist is a rapturist: a person who conspires to commit surprising interventions that make hordes of strangers happy and fulfilled. It's what I aspire to be when I grow up. By the way, Leo, I don't want to seem like a recruiter or anything, but it is my duty to mention that you may have what it takes to be a rapturist yourself. In the coming days especially, your talent for spreading unexpected bliss and success will be almost God-like. Be careful where you point that stuff, though; some folks are staunchly opposed to being lifted up out of their misery.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You and I have always known that we can think with our bellies. Gut instinct, we call it. Scientists, on the other hand, have always told us we were crazy to believe such a thing. But they won't anymore. In "The Second Brain: Your Gut Has a Mind of Its Own," Dr. Michael Gershon documents the evidence for a second brain in our stomachs and intestines. It's here, in a bundle of 100 billion nerve cells, that our gut reactions originate. Armed with this knowledge, Virgo, you have a powerful rationale for investing more faith in the wisdom your belly provides. And the planetary omens say that would be a wonderfully wise course of action in the coming weeks. References: 1 & 2.

Aquarius Aries Cancer Capricorn Gemini Leo Libra Pisces Sagittarius Scorpio Taurus Virgo

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I dreamed you ran over a beautiful vampire while driving an old Model-T Ford down a yellow-brick road. What the heck does that mean, I wonder? Here's my stab at a useful interpretation. You are now primed to bulldoze a superficially attractive drain on your energy; it's in your way and you need to leave it behind if you hope to keep driving down the path to the promised land. My dream also seems to be telling you that in order to pull this off you should go back to an original prototype -- symbolized by the Model-T -- to serve as your motive power.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My sources at college campuses are reporting the emergence of a new trend: pimple- and blackhead-squeezing parties. "It's a great way to instantly drop social masks and get to know the real person," says Jamie Brooks, a sophomore at Boston College. "Our generation is tired of having to wade through glitzy packaging everywhere we go," adds junior Carla Lipske. "Popping zits is a bonding ritual that says, 'I accept you with all your imperfections.'" I recommend you try this or something like it in your own sphere, Scorpio. The astrological omens say it's a perfect time to build intimacy through a total acceptance and even celebration of each other's raw humanity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Five cowhides are needed to make the leather interior for one Lexus car. Twelve percent of the population believes that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Rock music inspires termites to chew through wood at twice their usual pace. I'm happy to report, however, that factoids like these will be of absolutely no use or interest to you in the coming week, Sagittarius. That's because your mind will be attracted primarily to expansive, uplifting meditations on your life's master plan. You won't have any time for piddling little blips of cynicism that might divert you from the work of making your idealism more robust.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Johannes Kepler, a Capricorn born in 1571, was not only a renowned astronomer and mathematician but also a skilled astrologer. There was no contradiction in his mind between science and mysticism. Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727) was another member of the Capricorn tribe. The encyclopedia says he "single-handedly completed the scientific revolution and molded much of the content of modern scientific thought." What it fails to mention is that Newton was also obsessed with alchemy. He devoted years to studying and writing about it. I present this evidence to inspire you, dear Capricorn, as you enter the most metaphysical and nonrational phase of your yearly cycle. Save your brilliant logical feats for later. Now is the time for all the outlandish spiritual fun you can handle. (For further data:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I may have to give you the nickname "Spinmeister" after this week, Aquarius. You've got the savvy to put the best possible face on all your recent actions, no matter how iffy or controversial they've been. If there's any taint in your reputation or blemish on your record, now is the time to fire up a campaign to clear your name. It also wouldn't hurt if you dispensed gifts and compliments to sulky folks who might be inclined to stay fixated on the history you want to correct. While you're at it, perform an exorcism of the demons in your psyche that were responsible for the messes you hope to clean up.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I've know many wildly expressive Pisceans who have never found the creative outlet that would allow them to develop their full powers. One is a talented actress who's doing singing telegrams because she hasn't been able to craft a viable career strategy. Another is a potentially wonderful parent who has never gotten it together to have any kids. That's the bad news. The good news is that I expect the percentage of Pisceans who suffer this fate to go way down in the coming months. Would you like to be one of these late bloomers? If so, formulate and launch a fresh new plan now.

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Homework: Express your gratitude for the enemy who has taught you the most. or Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915.

By Rob Brezsny

Rob Brezsny's weekly astrology column appears on Salon as well as on his own Web site and in print publications worldwide. Brezsny's novel, "The Televisionary Oracle," was released earlier this year. He lives near San Francisco.

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