2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Germany has beaten Brazil in the a game that means so much to it, that, well, they’d shell out at more than 11 billion to host it. And not only did Germany beat Brazil in the World Cup semifinal — they obliterated them. It was merciless, ruthless, even cold. By the end of the first half, with Germany leading 5-0, Slate already declared the match the worst World Cup game since 1974. Germany was ahead of Brazil by 7 by the end, and thankfully, Brazil scored a single, final goal, narrowly avoiding total humiliation.
Every major hashtag trend on Twitter revolved around the match as people could not avert their gaze from what began to look like a fiery traffic accident. After the halfway point, the game was painful to watch:
Brazilian fans weeping in the stadium dot tumblr dot com— Jacob Harris (@harrisj) July 8, 2014
Blanka gotta be so disgusted— Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 8, 2014
At what point does Germany legally own Brazil?— Dan Treadway (@Dan_Treadway) July 8, 2014
Okay, Germany, we get it.— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) July 8, 2014
Maybe Brazil should try biting? I don’t know anything about soccer, but that seems effective?— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) July 8, 2014
And then the 6th goal came:
Me after Germany scored the 6th goal. pic.twitter.com/ejUy4uUrDR— S. Sami (@S_Universal) July 8, 2014
Is soccer hard?— David Waldman (@KagroX) July 8, 2014
Does the World Cup have a Mercy Rule?— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) July 8, 2014
Hollywood couldn't write a better disaster film than this— Ryan Fernand (@ryan_fernand) July 8, 2014
This might be the biggest embarrassment in the history of competitive sports— Roberto Ferdman (@robferdman) July 8, 2014
It's gone from might win the World Cup to maybe we should get other jobs. It's like watching an accident.— Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) July 8, 2014
Germany you're just being mean. pic.twitter.com/0Iqwv6QZld— Bill Bixby (@ManofRamliness) July 8, 2014
There were these #ThingsMoreLikelyThanBrazilWinning:
#ThingMoreLikelyThanBrazilWinningTheWorldCup 50 Cent being a starting pitcher for the Yankees— Evan Cleaver (@EvanCleaver) July 8, 2014
#ThingMoreLikelyThanBrazilWinningTheWorldCup Simply walking into Mordor— LOTR Reactions (@LOTRReactss) July 8, 2014
Then Brazil scored a goal! Which, at this point…
A goal.— roxane gay (@rgay) July 8, 2014
Brazil scores! Brazil scores! Br…whatever.— Tim Goodman (@BastardMachine) July 8, 2014
It finally ended:
oh thank god it's over— allisonkilkenny (@allisonkilkenny) July 8, 2014
But, the sadness isn’t over, yet:
They still have to play a third place game. That's the saddest part. #BRAvsGER— Rory Scovel (@roryscovel) July 8, 2014
Oh god Brazil has to play a third place game after this. They may as well play nude.— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) July 8, 2014
Weep for Brazil.
Prachi Gupta is an Assistant News Editor for Salon, focusing on pop culture. Follow her on Twitter at @prachigu or email her at email@example.com.More Prachi Gupta.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.