SALON

Saturday, Feb 10, 1996 8:00 PM UTC

Interview With A Grossologist

By

Topics: Books,

Try, just try, grossing out Sylvia Branzei. Big balls of ear wax? Forget it. Athlete’s foot? Won’t do it. Oozing sores? Diarrhea? Try again. Burps and belches, halitosis, projectile vomit? No dice. Because this junior-high school science teacher, based in Mendocino, California, loves to talk about anything and everything the human body excretes and secretes, no matter how smelly, runny, slimy, or crusty. Branzei, the world’s first — and possibly last — grossologist, is the author of “Grossology,” (Addison-Wesley, 1995), a book for excretory experts, intestinal inquisitors, or just kids who want to make their parents gag.

Her years of delving through the most sordid corners and cavities of our bodies have not dampened Branzei’s spirits. In a telephone interview, the scatalogical scholar was vivacious and forthcoming, even when asked the most probing questions.

This is, to say the least, an unusual field of expertise. Why did you decide to write a book about repulsive bodily functions?

I was cutting my toenails one day and said to myself, “Wow, what’s this stuff under my toenails? It’s really icky and gross.” I realized that since I had majored in microbiology, I could actually figure out what it was. Later, over spaghetti dinner with my family, we came up with the idea for this book.

Did you ever make yourself sick while writing it?

Yes, when I learned about the Eskimo tribe where the moms suck the snot out of their babies’ noses and spit on the ground. I had to leave my computer to stop gagging, and then come back and write about it.

Does anything else nauseate you?

I have a huge hang-up about spit. You know, big loogies.

But are you less grossed out now than you were before you wrote “Grossology?”

Yes. Around our house now, we feel okay about burping and farting in front of each other. It’s like, “This is what we do. Why hide it?” But I wouldn’t burp or fart in a nice restaurant or anything.

What do your students think of having a grossologist as a teacher?

They think it’s great. If I go into a class and say, “Today we’re going to learn about the excretory system,” the students yawn. But if I say, “We’re going to learn about pee and poop,” they say, “Yeah! That’s great!” Ultimately, I end up teaching the science behind all these gross things. That’s exactly what I do with the book: I use the real words, not the scientific terms. Too often, science hides behind big words.

And although the things you write about are pretty disgusting, learning the reasons why we have eye crust or scabs, for example, helps us to appreciate them.

Basically, your body is trying really hard to take care of you all the time. You realize that everything has a purpose and a place; every bodily function has a function.

Plus, let’s be honest. It can be fun to examine some bodily functions, like picking off scabs.

You shouldn’t pick your scabs, because your body is trying to heal itself. But it’s good to examine your snot. If it’s green or yellow, you have an infection. If it’s clear, you don’t. Snot’s a good thing. It keeps junk from reaching your lungs.

Your book has a statistic that says 70 out of every 100 people are nose pickers, and that three out of 70 eat what they find. Don’t you think the number of people picking and eating is larger than that?

That’s just the statistic that lists people who admit to doing it! It’s probably much more.

Why do you think so many people pick their noses in the car?

What else are you going to do in the car? It’s a way to pass the time.

Your chapter on projectile barf was fascinating.

Actually, the real name is “projectile vomit.” But saying “projectile barf” is so much more fun. It’s mostly young children who do it, because their throats haven’t opened up enough and they can’t control what comes out.

Also, I didn’t realize some people actually make money by farting?

Not any longer. The last fartomaniac was in Japan in the 1980s. But they could imitate animal sounds, sing songs, and even blow out candles.

You talked about dust mites. I never knew they existed. That gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I know. It’s creepy. There are millions of them on your body that eat your dead skin. There’s another wild mite that looks like a crocodile and lives on your eyelashes, where it eats up scum.

Are you planning to write a sequel?

Yes, I’m thinking of doing one on Animal Grossology.

Such as?

Such as why dogs roll in their own dookie.

That sounds fascinating.

I’m excited about it.

Leslie Crawford is a San Francisco writer. More Leslie Crawford.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 0 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: So long, Sookie Stackhouse

Recommendations