Air Travel

The passenger from hell

When a man goes berserk on board, what can a flight attendant do?

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Suddenly weak-kneed and worried, I cowered behind the door in my apartment,
wondering why a cop had buzzed the doorbell. Like the sugar-plums in
Clement Clark Moore’s “The Night Before Christmas,” a hundred possibilities
danced inside my head. Had I broken the law? Had one of my friends been
injured or assaulted? Had some near-sighted pedestrian confused my license
plate number with that of a hit-and-run vehicle’s?

Unable to come up with an
answer, and a little freaked out by the possibilities, I challenged
the voice that had just crackled through my intercom. He wasn’t
really a cop, he said. He was an ex-cop — a private investigator, to be exact. And he
was here, at my apartment, because of an incident on an airplane.

I knew immediately what he was referring to: After landing at Dallas-Fort Worth
International a couple of months before, one of my passengers had been taken
into custody by local police officers. I remember watching as he was
dragged away by a battalion of cops — fear and confusion supplanting the
malice that had once glinted in his eyes. For two months I had wondered what had
happened to him. Now was my chance to find out.

Through the peephole I eyed a tall, gray-haired gentleman dressed in casual
clothes and carrying a briefcase. When I opened the door, he flashed the
practiced smile of a door-to-door salesman. I welcomed him in anyway,
pointed to a chair and, without offering small talk or liquid refreshment,
sat on the other side of the room and waited to hear his spiel.

“My, my, my,” he said, admiring the living room furniture, “nice apartment
you have here.” He didn’t sound like an ex-cop. He spoke with a soft,
authoritative Southern lilt, like a plantation owner from
19th century Georgia. His “private investigator” credentials made me think
of Barnaby Jones with an upscale pedigree. “My, my, my.”

I just stared at him in silence.

“Well … ahhh,” he said, “I’ll
get straight to the point. I’m workin’ for the lawyer who’s representin’ a
certain Adam Ratliff. He was a passenger who had a little problem on your
flight from Guatemala last month. You remember, don’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Well, being that you are the flight attendant who signed the complaint,
we’d kinda like to hear your account of the events that took place that day
on the airplane.”

“Your client lost the plot.”

“What?”

“He lost the plot. Went berserk. Lost his frigging mind.”

“Oh, OK, I get it. Wait a sec.” Barnaby reached into his
briefcase and removed a tiny recording device. “Do you mind if I get this all
on tape?”

“Go right ahead.” The soft-spoken P.I. flicked on the recorder and
placed it on my cocktail table.

“OK. Would you mind starting at the very beginning?”

I took a deep breath, tapped into the memory banks and told him the whole
story …

About an hour after take-off from Guatemala City, we began the dinner
service — drinks, followed by the ever-present chicken or
beef entrees. Halfway through the service, a loud, somewhat primordial
scream ripped through the cabin.

“ARRRRGGGH … ARRRRGGGH!!”

It sounded as if a large, carnivorous animal had escaped from the cargo hold
and was terrorizing passengers at the rear of the airplane. When I swung
around, I realized I was only half right. A wild-eyed male passenger was
terrorizing passengers at the rear of the plane. His arms flailed, his
head jerked spasmodically — he looked like the deranged criminal in a
low-budget biker flick.

“ARRRRGGGH … ARRRRGGGH!!”

His screams were directed at a woman who was sitting in a window seat,
across the aisle from him. The terrified woman leaned away, far away, so
that her back was planted firmly against the window. It seemed, for one
absurd moment, that the sheer force of his howling had blown her flat
against the fuselage.

“ARRRRGGGH … ARRRRGGGH!!”

Slowly I walked toward the irate passenger. Every step was measured by the
nervous eyes of 60 coach-class passengers who would have gladly bailed out
if parachutes, rather than peanuts, had been provided on the flight. The
problem passenger was in a row by himself, sitting in the middle seat. I
stopped, stared at him and smiled. Dressed in blue jeans and a tattered blue
jean jacket, frizzy hair cascading past his shoulders, he looked up at me
with eyes as wild as Borneo.

“Can I get you something to eat? Sir?”

His eyes crawled from my shoes to the
crown of my freshly shaven head, looking for a reason to launch an attack.
“Nawww,” he said. “But I’ll have another Jack Daniel’s and a beer.” On his
tray table there were three empty Jack Daniel’s minis and a crumpled can of
Budweiser.

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” I said. “How about a Coke?”

He glared at me with I’m-gonna-kick-your-ass eyes, eyes that meant
business, eyes that had somehow never been mentioned in the flight attendant
training manual. He was going to jump me, I was sure of it. I could see the
intent as it blossomed in his eyes.

Of the 110,000 flight attendants employed by U.S. airlines, however, he had picked one of a handful who probably shouldn’t be messed with. A 6-foot, 195-pound,
street-savvy semi-homeboy gym freak, I felt confident in my ability to
handle this dude. In the split second before he leapt, I planned a three-step
method of defense: 1) step sideways; 2) grab him by the jacket; 3) use his
own momentum to toss his crazy ass into the opposite wall.

It seemed perfectly logical in theory, but two problems immediately came to
mind. First, the frightened woman was still plastered against the wall where
momentum was supposed to send the assailant. Second, all the passengers were
watching. If I hurt the guy, even after 60 witnesses watched him attack me,
I might have problems when we landed in Dallas. Lawsuit. Suspension. Possible
termination. (I know a male flight attendant who was suspended for punching
a passenger who had viciously attacked him. The passenger sued the airline and
the flight attendant. When the flight attendant spoke to the airline about
help with his defense, it told him he was on his own.)

Luckily for both of us, this guy didn’t lunge. I stood my ground in the
aisle, ready to do the three-step boogie. He sat on coiled haunches, poised to
spring but not quite willing to make the full commitment. He gave me one
final, I’m-gonna-kill-you look, then turned to the window — perhaps to study the intricacies of a passing cloud formation.

As soon as I rejoined my serving partner, the irate passenger screamed at a volume that, I would
learn later, was heard all the way to the cockpit.

“YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU ASSHOLE FUCK!”

Now, everybody was scared. A few passengers seated at ground zero departed
for safer seats. The screaming passenger’s eyes rattled in his sockets. His
face grew red. Judging by his agitated state, he seemed capable of just
about anything.

Herein lies the problem of potentially violent airline
passengers: At 30,000 feet, you can’t call a cop. Nor can you throw a guy out
the door like we did on a nightly basis when I worked as a bartender in New
York (all I had to say was, “Yo, Rico! Eighty-six this moron!” and the customer would suddenly find himself roaming the plains of 14th Street,
howling obscenities at an uncaring moon). But there is no beefy backup on an
airplane, and most of us aren’t up for the physical challenge. Why should we
be? We’re flight attendants, not Steven Seagal wannabes.

I returned to the back of the plane and, using a calm, non-combative voice, I confronted the passenger again.
“Sir, please try to calm down,” I said. “There’s no need to get upset and
there’s certainly no reason to use profanity.”

“FUCK YOU … YOU GAY FUCK!”

“Sir, I’m straight.”

“I DON’T GIVE A DAMN … YOU’RE ALL FUCKED. ARRRRGGGH!!”

At this point, I resorted to passenger misconduct solution No. 657. “If a male
passenger exhibits hostile tendencies toward a male flight attendant, a
female flight attendant may be able to intervene and defuse the anger.”
I turned to Donna, my diminutive blond colleague. She stepped up to the
plate, dug her cleats into the batter’s box and with a bravado that would
make Sammy Sosa proud, took her best shot.

“Sir, please …” she said, settling her warm, motherly gaze upon him. “Can
you just lower your voice a bit?”

“FUCK YOU!”

He lashed her with insults too degrading to repeat. But
when Donna had finally had enough, she reached for the interphone and called the cockpit.

“Yeah,” she said. Her voice was as flat and expressionless as a veteran cop
calling in her third burglary of the day. “We got a problem passenger…
Coach … 25F … Yeah. OK.”

A few moments later, the flight engineer came lumbering out of the cockpit.
He was a little on the stocky side, and as he moved down the aisle he tucked
his shirt into his trousers and hitched up his pants more than once.
Contrary to what many passengers think, flight engineers are not pilots.
They are responsible for the mechanical performance of the aircraft, a
demanding job in itself, but they don’t actually fly the plane. In
three-person cockpits, therefore, flight engineers are the expendable ones,
the sacrificial lamb sent into the cabin when punches are ready to fly.

As the flight engineer approached, he did not need us to point out the
problem passenger. The guy was flailing and gesticulating like a madman.

“Sir, what seems to be the problem?” the engineer said.

“DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU FAT FUCK.”

“Sir, you’re interfering with the duties of –”

“SHUT THE HELL UP!” he said, cutting off the engineer. “YOU
CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I KNOW MY RIGHTS!”

“OK, buddy. If you don’t calm down right now, we’re going to have you
arrested in Dallas.”

With great emphasis, the passenger raised his middle finger and shook it in
the engineer’s face. “FUCK YOOOOOU.”

The engineer gave me a look, then lumbered back to the cockpit.
It was at this juncture that I noticed the woman sitting behind the problem
passenger. She was clutching her chest with one hand; her other hand
trembled uncontrollably.

“Excuse me, miss.” I said this in a soft voice so she wouldn’t jump. “Let me
move you to another seat. I think there’s room up front.” She nodded her
head like a shellshocked refugee, allowing me to move her to safer territory.
Along the way, she mentioned that the passenger had been reaching in his
pocket periodically and sniffing something.

“He do it four, five times,” she said in a sweet Guatemalan accent.
Drugs. Cocaine maybe. More likely it was Special K (a liquid animal
tranquilizer). No wonder he was acting so weird.

I escorted the Guatemalan woman to a seat in the front section of coach.
Next, I informed the lead flight attendant about the exacerbating problem in
the back, obtained the troublemaker’s name from the passenger information
list, then went into the cockpit to relay information about possible drug
use.

The captain — a supremely competent woman whom I’ve flown with on several
occasions — turned around and listened to my report.

“That does it,” she said sternly. “We’ll have the police meet the flight in
Dallas. Just keep an eye on him. If he gets out of hand we’ll … just keep an
eye on him.”

“Captain,” I said, “he’s already out of hand.” The captain nodded. Looks
were exchanged. “Just keep an eye on him.”

I walked to the back of the airplane, which was all but deserted save for my
colleague Donna and Mr. Adam Ratliff — aka the problem passenger. He sat there talking to himself. Every few minutes he’d scream.

“ARRRRGGGH … ARRRRGGGH!!”

Less than an hour later, and without further incident, we landed in Dallas-Fort Worth.
As our plane taxied toward the gate, the captain spoke over the public
address system. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she said, “we apologize for the
troublesome flight. Authorities will be meeting the aircraft to remove the
passenger who caused the disruption.”

As soon as the “fasten seat belt” sign blinked off, all the passengers stood
up — including Ratliff, who immediately disappeared into the lavatory. A moment later, I heard the mechanized hum of the toilet flushing. Ratliff was probably dumping his drugs.

Sure enough, police officers were waiting on the jet bridge. They converged upon Ratliff as soon as he stepped through the exit door. They searched his carry-on bag. I filled out a complaint. Then they hauled him away.

Still, I had an issue with the captain. Her announcement had alerted Ratliff to
the possibility of a drug search and he’d almost certainly taken advantage
of the opportunity. When the captain emerged from the cockpit, I couldn’t
contain my bewilderment. “Excuse me, Captain, but why did you make that
announcement? You knew he probably had drugs. As soon as you
announced that the plane was being met by cops, he went into the lavatory
and dumped his stash.”

The captain just looked at me, a blank stare frozen in her eyes. “Oh!” That
was all she said.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
-

“Well,” I said to the private investigator. “That’s what happened.”

He switched off the tape recorder and sighed. “That must have been some
flight,” he said. He nodded his head as if answering his own question, then
gathered his belongings and rose from his seat. “Thanks for your help,” he
said. “You really opened my eyes to a few things.”

Barnaby closed his briefcase and walked toward my front door. That’s when I asked a question — a question I should have asked at the onset of my
deposition. “You mentioned that you were hired by a lawyer who is
representing Mr. Ratliff. When is his trial?”

“Excuse me?”

“His trial? When is he being prosecuted in court?”

“Trial?”

“Yeah, he’s being prosecuted for his actions on the airplane, right?”

“Oh, hell no,” he said. “Mr. Ratliff is suing your airline. We believe he was
intoxicated before boarding and should never have been allowed on that
airplane. Your airline is at fault.”

When the door shut behind him, there was only one thing I could say:

“ARRRRGGGH!!”

Elliott Neal Hester has been a flight attendant for 15 years. He has also written for National Geographic Traveler, Men's Fitness, Glamour, Maxim and Caribbean Travel & Life. Out of the Blue appears every other Friday. E-mail your tale of life in the sky to Hester. For more columns by Hester, visit his column archive.

Behind the underwear bomb

The latest airplane terror plot wouldn't have been foiled without airport security -- but not the kind we all know

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Behind the underwear bombTravelers line up at a TSA checkpoint at Los Angeles International Airport. (Credit: Reuters/Danny Moloshok)

Another deadly plot taken down in the planning stages. This time, thanks to the work of a CIA double agent, officials were able to infiltrate a Yemen-based al-Qaida plot to destroy a U.S.-bound jetliner using a nearly undetectable underwear bomb.The moral of the story: Airport security works!Am I being facetious?  Not necessarily.  It depends on your definition of airport security.

In my mind, the key to keeping airplanes safe is, and always has been, stopping acts of sabotage while they are still in the planning stages. Here in the age of the TSA checkpoint, with its toothpaste confiscations and obsession with pointy objects, we tend not to think this way, preoccupied instead with a kind of airport Kabuki — the tedious, fanatical screening of passengers and their carry-ons. Real airport security takes place offstage, as it were. It is the job of the folks at the CIA and the FBI, working together with foreign authorities. And while TSA has an important role here too, we can do without the spectacle of airport guards rifling through innocent people’s bags in a pathological hunt for what are effectively harmless items.

The concourse checkpoint needs to be there.  Just the same, chances are good that once an adversary has made it to the airport, he or she has engineered a way to outwit the system.  And spend as we might, there will always be a way to outwit the system.  ”Even if our technology is good enough to spot it,” said California Rep. Adam Schiff, commenting on the news of the latest underwear plot, “technology is still in human hands and we are inherently fallible.”

That’s one of the smartest things I’ve heard a politician utter in some time.

Getting a handle on this takes us all the way back to Sept. 11, 2001, the day that everything, and yet really nothing, changed.  I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: Conventional wisdom holds that the 19 hijackers exploited a weakness in airport security by smuggling box cutters onto four Boeing jetliners. But conventional wisdom is wrong. What the men actually exploited was a weakness in our mind-set — a set of presumptions based on the decades-long track record of hijackings and how they were expected to unfold. (In prior years, a hijacking meant a diversion, perhaps to Havana or Beirut, with hostage negotiations and standoffs; crews were accordingly trained in the concept of “passive resistance.”) The presence of box cutters on 9/11 was merely incidental. The men could have used almost anything — a deadly sharp can be fashioned from a broken first-class dinner plate or a ballpoint pen — particularly when coupled with the bluff of having a bomb. The success of their plan relied not on hardware but on the element of surprise. It wasn’t a failure of airport security that allowed those men to hatch their takeover scheme. It was a failure of national security — a breakdown of communication and oversight at the FBI and CIA level.

To put it succinctly: The success of the 9/11 attacks had almost nothing to do with airport security at all — a great and painful irony, of course, to any passenger forced to endure the checkpoint rigmarole in 2012.

Not that frontline guards don’t play a deterrent role.  And, in the opinions of some, the plot uncovered in Yemen underscores the value of full-body scanners — those controversial walk-through machines that allow guards to look beneath a passenger’s clothing. It’s a compelling argument, but the way in which these scanners have — and have not — been deployed is apt to make some of us cynical. For instance, the vast majority of body scanners are found at U.S. domestic airports. Overseas, where a bomb is far likelier to originate, they are rare. Is this really about safety, we wonder, or is it about billions of dollars going into the coffers of the companies contracted to build these machines?

And although the scanners are effective, where does the arms race end?  Not long ago, the idea that passengers would be marched through body scanners and photographed naked before being allowed to board an airplane, would have seemed outrageous. Yet here we are. What might be next?  The stubborn truth is, we can turn airports into fortresses if we want (in some respects we’re well along that path), yet we’ll never be entirely safe. Airport screening alone, no matter how thorough, how expensive, and how technologically advanced, will never defeat a relentless enough, resourceful enough adversary intent on downing a plane.

That isn’t capitulation, it’s reality.  And acknowledging this reality would go a long way toward warding off panic and overreaction when the next successful attack occurs.

Regrettably, too, we often forget that commercial air travel has long been a target of terrorist extremists.  The 1970s and 1980s in particular were, as I like to describe them, a Golden Age of Air Crimes, comparatively rife with bombings, hijackings and other deadly assaults against airplanes and airports. Over one five-year span between 1985 and 1989 we can count at least six high-profile terrorist attacks, including the horrific bombings of Pan Am 103 and UTA 772; the bombing of an Air India 747 over the North Atlantic that killed 329 people; and the incredible saga of TWA Flight 847.  And let’s not forget what might have been, such as the so-called “Project Bojinka,” the 1994 scheme masterminded by Ramzi Yousef (nephew of Kalid Sheikh Mohammad), in which impossible-to-detect (at the time) liquid explosives were to be used to simultaneously destroy a dozen U.S. airliners over the Pacific Ocean. Fortunately the plot unraveled and Yousef was arrested.

While we can argue, quite persuasively, that many of the current-day security measures have done little if anything to make us safer, we’ve nevertheless introduced measures that have been useful and effective, from explosives screening of checked luggage to the sorts of trans-border partnerships that broke up the most recent plot from Yemen. Whether in spite of, or because of, the attention we’ve lavished on All Things Terrorism, the past decade has seen fewer attacks against commercial air travel than any since the 1950s.What we need to remember, though, is that our success has had more to do with the security measures we don’t see than those taking place in plain view. And if our luck is to hold, we need to better rationalize and streamline our entire approach to airport security. For instance, if we’re going to have those body scanners, let’s put them where they’re needed. If this requires negotiating with foreign authorities whose airports are beyond TSA’s jurisdiction, so be it. Meanwhile, here at home, TSA’s one-size-fits-all approach, in which every single person who flies is seen as a potential threat, is simply unsustainable in a country where close to 2 million people fly daily. Things like taking snow globes from children, haggling over tiny container sizes, or confiscating a dessert fork from a uniformed, on-duty airline pilot (it happened to me) serve no useful purpose whatsoever. On the contrary, they divert valuable time and resources away from the things that could make us safer.  Let’s scale back that concourse Kabuki and retrain guards in the finer points of a more sensible, risk-based assessment of passengers and their belongings.

And lastly, if only as an aside, let’s behold for a moment the term “underwear bomb.”  That was the operative phrase in literally hundreds of articles and broadcasts over the past several days, and nowhere did it raise a snicker.  What does it say about our country, I wonder, that such a preposterous expression is instantly understood and effectively taken for granted?

Strange times indeed.

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How the rich took over airport security

Security checks were one of America's most democratic places -- until rich passengers got their own speedy lines

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How the rich took over airport security (Credit: Reuters/Salon)

The other day at Bergstrom Airport in Austin, Texas, I witnessed a striking manifestation of the new American plutocracy. Along with getting a photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles and sitting in a jury pool, standing in line at airport security with a mob of other people, miserable though it is, remains one of the few examples of civic equality in our increasingly oligarchic republic. Much airport security, of course, is theater, designed to provide alibis for bureaucrats and politicians in the event of a terrorist attack. But while we can debate what a rational airport security system would look like, no rational system would discriminate among passengers on the basis of ability to pay.

That is what makes the policy of Delta Airlines so shockingly un-American.  In Austin, Delta had not one but two lines that fed into the Transportation Security Administration checkpoint area. One line was mixed race, mixed class and mixed age. The other line was usually empty. Now and then a white, middle-aged man would appear in the second line and the first line would be halted as he went directly into the TSA checkpoint.

“Who are those guys?” I asked a TSA officer, when I reached the front of the second-class citizen line.

“Delta has total control over the passenger line all the way up to here,” the officer answered. “They’ve decided to let priority passengers as well as pilots and steward staff go through ahead of others.”

“So that’s the rich white guy line?” I asked.

The TSA officer laughed. “On our side of the line, everybody is equal.”

Now I would be the first to concede that what Delta and other airlines do beyond the government security checkpoint at the gates that lead to airplanes is their business. At the moment, the model of America’s pathetic, predatory, deteriorating airline industry seems to be eking out nickels and dimes by playing crudely on the snobbery of their customers, with the use of two separate lines at the terminal gates, one for priority passengers — labelled, by various airlines, Gold, Platinum, Elite and so on.

The priority line, needless to say, goes to exactly the same door and entry ramp and does not get the “elite” to its destination one second earlier. Neither de Toqueville, who commented on the contrast between the status obsessions of Americans and their professed democratic egalitarianism, nor Veblen, who coined the term “conspicuous consumption,” would have been surprised by this method of showing off. Such silliness is a matter for satire, not lawsuits or protest marches.

But going through airline security is different. It is not a choice, like belonging to an airline’s frequent flier points club. Security screening is an onerous civic duty. Like other civic duties, it should be shared equally by rich and poor alike. Remember the motto of Jacksonian populism? “Equal rights for all, special privileges for none.”

Nearly all the airlines now allow well-heeled passengers to pay for the privilege of cutting ahead of the rest of us at the TSA checkpoint. At many airline checkpoints there are two lines. The long line looks like America; the short line is made up mostly of affluent white men.

Is this the future we Americans want: two lines at all airline security checkpoints, one for the privileged 1 percent and the other for the 99 percent, who have to stand aside to let the people with lots of money pass?  Alas, it appears that making economic apartheid formal in U.S. civil aviation is a bad idea whose time has come. The TSA is experimenting with a “precheck” program with built-in class discrimination, including the government’s crony-capitalist invitation of frequent fliers from private U.S. airline programs, but not other American citizens, to participate:

If you are a United States citizen and are currently a member of CBP’s eligible Trusted Traveler programs (Global Entry, SENTRI, NEXUS), you are automatically qualified to participate in the TSA Pre ™ pilot as long as you are flying on a participating airline at a participating airport. (If you’re a more frequent flyer with Delta or American, you must opt in to the program by responding to the communication sent to you, which is why it’s important to find that email and follow the directions in it.)

In other words, if you do not fly frequently — and most low-income and middle-income Americans cannot afford to — you would not be allowed to take part in this public government program.  In true crony capitalist fashion, the precheck program blurs the line between the government’s security function and the airlines’ purely commercial frequent flier programs.

The precheck program is advertised as an experimental program, holding out the possibility that after a period in which they are subject to more scrutiny than affluent business travelers, low-income grandmothers traveling to visit their grandchildren at last will be able to take part.  More likely, the precheck program would never be extended to the masses rather than the classes.  It would simply become another permanent perk of the elite, whose members would have no incentive to lobby for democratizing the program — rather the contrary.

But wouldn’t it help an overburdened airport security system to reduce the number of people to be rigorously screened by TSA?  Not if it means more screening for low-income grandmothers and less for frequent business travelers.  Indeed, as anti-terrorist measures, trusted traveler programs allowing affluent people who are frequent international travelers to be subjected to fewer security procedures might well backfire. Osama bin Laden and Mohamad Atta were members of the affluent social and educational elites in their countries who lived abroad and traveled frequently.

These “trusted traveler” systems will not make America safer. Their unacknowledged purpose is to create yet another area of American society that is privatized and segregated by class, to the benefit of the mostly white economic overclass.

Very well then. Why don’t we just make the new class-based discrimination official? Instead of leaving it to airlines and other corporations to construct the new apartheid piecemeal and informally, let the government issue a Premium Elite Citizen Card, valid for multiple purposes. For the right price, a price carefully calculated to be unaffordable by the majority of Americans, those willing and able to pay would be allowed to cut in line, not only at airports, but everywhere: at taxi stands, movie theaters, restaurants. All they would have to do is flash their Premium Elite Citizen Card to force the rabble to step aside and make way.  The degeneration of America’s democracy into a banana republic would be complete, once the Land of the Free became the Land of the Free Points With Membership.

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Michael Lind’s new book, "Land of Promise: An Economic History of the United States", will be published in April and can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com.

When parents drug their kids

Antihistamines can knock out even the loudest child on a plane. Is it safe -- or just bad parenting?

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When parents drug their kids (Credit: Ilya Andriyanov and KAMONRAT via Shutterstock)

When I wrote last week about the 2-year-old girl who, along with her whole family, was kicked off a JetBlue flight for having a tantrum, I expected an outpouring of responses. What I hadn’t imagined was how much of it would be in favor of sedating kids as a practical means of getting them from point A to point B. “You know how I traveled with toddlers?” the stay-at-home mother of two tweeted to me. “Benadryl. Works like a charm.”

I’ll admit that I was initially stunned to see how apparently commonplace the practice is. I’d never given my two daughters Benadryl or anything else to calm them down when they were young travelers, and the thought of doing so seemed wrong to me. It would have felt like a violation of their trust, a willful introduction of something unnecessary into their bodies for my own convenience.

In fairness, though, my kids have barely ever flown, and when they have, they’ve been reasonably chill. And after getting an earful from other parents both on Twitter and via email, I began to wonder if doing something that could make a child comfortable — and one’s fellow travelers considerably less inconvenienced – was such a big deal.

“I’ve totally given Benadryl as a way to get the kids to go to sleep when they were littler,” says my friend Collette, whose sons are now tweens like mine. “I think I did it about a month ago even. I would do it on a flight if I thought it would make them less freaked out.” But, she admits, “I’ve never made it a habit.”

And my friend Ted, who has two school-age daughters, regaled me with the story of flying to Florida a few years ago, “crouched down behind the row of seats in the departure lounge, feeding my perfectly healthy kids cough syrup so they will sleep, and looking guiltily around to see if I am going to be caught. Down at the other end of the long row of benches, I catch the eye of another parent doing the same thing to her daughter. All our kids rack out and we sit and laugh about it — and other kid realities — for the whole flight.”

It’s not as if this generation’s parents invented the idea of taking the edge off for our kids. We learned from the masters – our own parents. Ted says, “My parents did the same to us when we were on long road trips. We had a VW van with the back seat removed and a platform put in covered with mattresses and sleeping bags and we drove everywhere — out to the Midwest, down to Florida, New Mexico. My mother fed the three of us cough meds as we left a few times and after that it was Pavlovian — we’d all get in the car and immediately crash. I still fall asleep if I’m not driving.” Collette says that her mother used to give her whiskey in hot milk. And Monica, a mom in the Bay Area, recalls a cross-country trip with her brothers in the ’70s, when the kids “made little beds in the back of my parent’s Buick LaSabre and slept constantly.”

“It was strange to wake up and two states had gone by, or it was afternoon and suddenly it was midnight and we were checking into a hotel,” she says. “My mom was always giving us ‘vitamins’ from a tincture. I remember us all standing in the entry of our hotel room while she gave us little drops — like little birds getting a worm. Years later my mom told me what she did. She had gone to the doctor before the trip and gotten some kind of sleep aid/tranquilizer for us.”

But nothing in life, not even relaxing, over-the-counter allergy medication, is a sure thing, recalls Melissa, a mom who learned that the hard way. “We gave our newly adopted 14-month-old a dose on a flight home from China. She wound up climbing the walls, hyper-awake and restless. Never touched the stuff again.”

And Darshak Sanghavi, a pediatrician and author of “A Map of the Child: A Pediatrician’s Tour of the Body,” says, “According to a good randomized trial of Benadryl to promote sleep in infants, the drug didn’t really work any better than a placebo. So I first tell parents that it’s not really clear that Benadryl really works like many parents might think. Second, there are occasional case reports of Benadryl poisoning. Granted, those are highly unlikely, but my opinion is that parents traveling with infants should generally stay away from trying to sedate them with Benadryl, and instead focus on comforting them with feeding during takeoff and landing (may improve ear pressure equalization). Flying with infants is almost always torture,” he admits, “and unfortunately, medicating an infant isn’t going to change that.”

Yet when you’re facing a cross-country flight and a cranky kid, sometimes you’re willing to try anything. My own former pediatrician, Brooklyn’s Dr. Philippa Gordon, advises parents to be guided by equal measures of caution and instinct. “It’s a question that toggles between the pragmatic and what we find uncomfortable,” she says. “Is it a kid who has a known disorder or you know is going to have a terrible time on a flight? Or is it really more for the control of their symptoms than the comfort of other passengers? Are you medicating them for behaving like normal, developmentally appropriate children? We shouldn’t use medications just for the comfort of adults. Remember that Benadryl is an antihistamine. I try not to use over-the-counter drugs for children and toddlers, and certainly not for unintended results.” But she adds that it’s “a judgment call,” and ultimately “a relatively benign intervention.”

But my friend Helen, an advanced practice nurse specializing in maternal addiction in Philadelphia, sees it differently. “I think putting a chemical into your child’s brain in lieu of substituting appropriate comforting parenting behaviors is shameful,” she says. “Whatever happened to games, singing, soothing? I work with addicts for a living and this is the disease to its core: Can’t cope? Head for the dope! If other people on the plane get annoyed at a fussy child, then dose THEM.”

Even those of us who’ve never sedated our kids can cop to moments when we’ve considering it. I’ve certainly enjoyed a few of my children’s drowsier afternoons after they’ve had vaccinations or medication. And my friend Ava recalls a pediatrician handing her two bottles of medicine, “with instructions to be careful to give the one at night, as it would make my 8-month-old baby sleepy,” and wondering, “Just at night? When I’ve considered the tension and fighting and probable bad mothering that took place in a carful of kids on a 12-hour road trip, I’ve wondered more than once just how bad it would have been if I’d given them that night-time cold medicine. I didn’t, but I wouldn’t judge a mother who did.”

I’m still glad I got out of my children’s meltdown years without dosing them – because that feels like the right and consistent approach for our family. I still shudder at the automatic “Haven’t you ever heard of Benadryl?” response from callous adults who think any child out in public should be silent and sleepy. There’s also a world of difference when you’re dealing with a colicky baby, a tantrum-tossing toddler or a bored kindergartner, and you need to consider your options in age-appropriate ways. But in the past few days, I’ve been reminded that parenting is very much a make-it-up-as-we-go-along adventure, and that most of us really are endeavoring to do right by our children and the innocent bystanders who have to put up with them. As my writer-friend Stella says, “There are so many things you say you’ll never do/say to your kids. But any parent will tell you that raising children is all about doing the best you can with what’s at hand. Excepting actual physical injury or emotional trauma, I would never deign to judge the parental decisions someone else makes. Parenting is hard. Full stop. And you do what you can.”

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Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub.

When a flight becomes “pre-schoolers gone wild”

A family with toddlers is ejected from a JetBlue plane -- and kicks up a storm about kids and travel

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When a flight becomes (Credit: Kenneth Man via Shutterstock)

Very few venues in this world — especially ones that invlove confined spaces — are thrilled to welcome a 2-year-old. Unless you’re at a Wiggles reunion show, the most common response is a lot of rolled eyes, anticipatory grimacing and the question “Can we change our seats?” So when JetBlue staff noticed young Natalie Vieau boarding a flight from Turks and Caicos with her parents and her 3-year-old sister last month, it’s possible they were already steeling themselves for Natalie to behave exactly like, well, a 2-year-old. When young Miss Vieau complied, pitching a fit that would have made Chris Brown proud, the crew kicked her and her family off the plane. Discuss.

The problem, the family says, arose when Natalie – and apparently her sister as well — didn’t appreciate the notion of sitting still and being buckled in. Natalie wanted to fly on her mother’s lap, but federal regulations require children over the age of 2 to fly in their own seats. “We were holding them down with all of our might, seat belt on,” their mother, Dr. Colette Vieau, told a Rhode Island TV station this week. “And I said, ‘We have them seated. Can we go now?’” Instead, the pilot made the decision to ground the  family and have them escorted off the flight. They wound up having to book a hotel for the night and then find another flight home, to the tune of $2,000.

The very fact that Dr. Vieau describes the scene with the phrase having to use “all of our might” certainly suggests that little Natalie might be a handful. And her squirmtastic appearance on the “Today” show Monday doesn’t do much to suggest she’d have settled down for a peaceful ride back to Boston. So it’s unsurprising that when “Today” polled its viewers, “71 percent of more than 60,000 voters” agreed with the airline’s decision to kick the family off the flight.

Modern flying is horrible enough – on top of all the usual indignities, nobody wants to be trapped in the air with a pair of freaked-out toddlers. This mortified family, however, just wanted to get home, and they remain confused about just how quickly the incident escalated. As Dr. Vieau says, “We did what we were asked to do. We weren’t belligerent, drunk, angry or screaming. We were just having a hard time struggling with our children. Just some consideration, a little bit of humanity in the situation was really all I was looking for.”

What stories like this illustrate is how often that “little bit of humanity” goes wanting. And the predictably vocal response shows how badly we’ve all been burned by other people’s senses of entitlement. For their part, the Vieaus — with their Caribbean vacation, their plea that they’ve flown with their very young brood an impressive 15 times before, and their sob story of having to lay out two grand for an extra night on a tropical island — come off sounding exactly like the kind of spoiled, swaggering parents who make you avoid the playground. They may be lovely people whose kid had an off day – and if you’re a parent, you’ve likely seen plenty of those – but their story can’t engender too much sympathy. Too many of us have endured the nightmare of the family that just does not understand why little Finnegan’s meltdown is not what everyone in earshot signed up for. We’ve all seen preschoolers gone wild and parents who blithely stood by. When we hear a story about a toddler freaking out, we immediately think, fairly or not, “Spoiled parents, spoiled kids.”

That’s why the story is hard from the other side, too. Sometimes all a family has to do is go somewhere other than a Chuck E. Cheese to rile up a whole lot of tantrums – and not from the 2-year olds. You need only look as far as the frothing comments about “yuppie larvae” with “unbearable brats,” and observations that “kids just suck up oxygen and subway space anyways” to see that there’s a whole mess of preemptive rage toward children and families. And even if a child is tantruming up a storm, it’s still a stretch for an airline to claim, as the Vieaus assert, that she was “a risk to the safety and security of the aircraft in general.”

We all have to navigate a pretty crowded planet together. As Dr. Vieau herself admits, “I don’t know that I could blame JetBlue, to be totally fair. I just feel like it’s airplane travel today in general.” Kids don’t make it easy – they are volatile, difficult and often really annoying beings, it’s true. But they can’t stay home until they learn not to scream and poop in their pants. Sometimes they have to travel for family reasons, and frankly, they’re entitled to for recreational ones. They’re people, and as such, they can be jerks just like everybody else. A parent doesn’t always know, on the morning of a flight, whether she’s going to get Quiet Little Napping Girl or Hellspawn Baby for the day. The best all of us can do with other people’s kids is not be hostile just because they’re kids. And the best we can do as parents is to know when to exit gracefully.

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Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub.

The things I carry

All those gadgets, chargers, adapters and cords are supposed to make my life easier. I'm not so sure

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The things I carry (Credit: Patrick Smith)

The scourges of modern-day air travel.

I can think of a few: TSA, delayed flights, garbage in your seat pocket. Screaming kids and misdirected luggage. “CNN Airport News.”

Or, how about the blizzard of cardboard placards that hotel chains insist on littering their rooms with? I spend a quarter of my life in hotel rooms, and I resent having to spend the first five minutes of every stay gathering up an armful of this diabolical detritus and heaving it into a corner where it belongs. Attention, innkeepers: This is fundamentally bad business. One’s first moments in a hotel room should be relaxing. The room itself should impart a sense of welcome. It shouldn’t put you to work.

And here’s another one: the ever-expanding collection of electronic cords, adapters, chargers and gadgets I’m obliged to haul around with me. You know what I’m talking about. Anybody who travels regularly knows what I’m talking about. All of this, supposedly, to keep us “connected.” To make our lives easier and more productive.

Does it?

Don’t get me wrong. Riding the subway out to Logan, I love being able to pop in my earbuds and catch a few cuts from the Wedding Present, the Jazz Butcher or the Velvet Underground. And my MacBook Air is as essential for travel as a change of socks. But there is, or was, something to be said for that unplugged, disconnected age of not so long ago. If nothing else, our carry-ons were lighter, with more room for clothes.

The photo above shows the assortment of electronic gadget and gizmos I take with me pretty much every time I hit the road, be it for work or pleasure. As recently as a decade ago I owned none of this. I didn’t even have a cellphone until 2006.

Clockwise-ish, from upper left:

– That black case contains the camera that I used to take this picture. I currently use a Panasonic DMC-LX3. It’s a decent point-and-shoot with a Leica lens and super-long battery life. (The more recent pictures in my Flickr archives were taken with this camera.) I bring it with me on most, though not all, of my layovers and holidays.

– Earbuds. I recently upgraded to a pair of Klipsch and retired this Apple set.

– 32GB flash drive. For my backup files, and for transferring to and from my “master” computer at home.

– USB connector for camera (optional).

– Ethernet cord. Useful in those (too many) hotels where Wi-Fi is weak and a wired connection runs more robustly. Hotel-supplied Ethernet cords are often broken.

– Power adapter for laptop.

– AC adapter set. Essential when traveling overseas. One problem is, if I’m assigned to reserve status I often don’t know if I’ll be heading overseas until the last minute, so I’ve always got this with me.

– iPhone 4. Product unplug: Am I the only person who despises — and I mean really despises — the iPhone’s messaging keypad? Because the special function keys — caps, space bar, backspace and return — are so close to the normal character keys, I’m constantly capitalizing, spacing and backspacing when I don’t mean to. This happens in either the vertical or horizontal layout, and it’s especially annoying for those of us with fat fingers. It takes me five attempts to complete the simplest sentence.

– USB charger for iPhone.

– USB-to-AC connector thing for iPhone (optional, but a good thing to have).

– USB-to-Ethernet adapter (see Ethernet cord above).

And, in the middle of it all, my beloved MacBook Air.

All together, we’re looking at roughly five pounds of technology that, for all intents and purposes, is mandatory carry-on. Sometimes it’s slightly less, other times slightly more. Not shown, for instance, is my Flip video camera, which I bring on longer trips. ( Flip brought you this, among other works of directorial art.)

Thus the real must-have gadget is a decent case or container in which to consolidate all of this crap. For me, most of the more wiry components above fit nicely into an old business class amenities kit, which keeps them out of the way and avoids tangles. (How frustrating is it, meanwhile, that so many electronic devices require their own proprietary charging cord or adapter? Imagine if every lamp took a different kind of light bulb.)

The amenities case, together with the laptop, camera and phone, fit snugly into either of my larger carry-ons. Now that my flight case has been retired — a milestone previously detailed here — I typically go to work with two pieces of luggage:

The first is a custom crew roll-aboard from Luggage Works. At the moment I use the 26-inch LW with the plastic frame, which is much lighter than the more popular metal frame version. To make it even lighter, I’ve retrofitted the stainless steel retractable handle with an aluminum one.

I don’t know what “custom crew” means. I just thought it sounded cool. Over 95 percent of LW users are airline crew members, but anybody can order one.

A number of my colleagues use Travelpro bags (I’ve owned a couple of Travelpros over the years), but on the whole that brand is more popular with flight attendants than with pilots.

For a long time pilots resisted using roll-aboards at all. The thinking was that rolling your belongings was, like, too effeminate for the macho pilot (take me, for example). And so pilots would hand-haul their 40-odd pounds of personal luggage and pilot gear through the airport, toning their tough-guy biceps and making many a chiropractor happy.

By the way, have you ever heard somebody refer to roll-aboard bags as “roller board” bags? I was on a plane a few weeks ago and the flight attendant made an announcement reminding people to stow their “roller boards” handle-first into the bins.

My smaller bag, hung from my roller board using a hook that I designed myself, is a $300 Tumi briefcase that I bought about six months ago and quickly learned to hate, with its useless, miniature exterior pockets that I can barely squeeze my fingers into.

I’m something of a pro when it comes to short-notice, multi-climate packing. Here’s a tip: Go with lightweight clothing. What a concept, I know, but I’m amazed by how many people travel with heavy cotton jeans — even to hot climates. I own a lot of fast-dry synthetics. They’re not stylish, but when have I ever been? On the other hand I can launder a pair of pants in the hotel room bathtub and they’re dry before morning.

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GO-AROUNDS

Re: The Funniest Thing Ever Written

Several readers emailed demanding that I immediately scan and post copies of the 1988 “Guide to Harvard University Dining Services” booklet that I wrote about last week. A great idea, but the thing is 38 double-sided pages long. Tell you what: I’ll do it, but not for free. My price is $5, sent to my PayPal account. I figure if 20 people are interested, that’s $100, which makes it worth my trouble. Once I hit a hundred bucks I’ll send scans of every page to anybody who wants to see them, or else I’ll post them somewhere on my home site. If I don’t hit the $100 mark within the next 10 days I’ll refund your donations. (I really don’t expect to bring in much beyond that, as people will be waiting for the early birds to cover the cost.)

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