Hank Hyena
Plague of penis-slashing cuts across planet
As the millennium approaches, male members are being abbreviated in record numbers.
Nov. 12, 1999
Watch your meat, men! Male sex organs are getting sliced off at an
alarming rate as the end of the millennium approaches.
Nov. 9: An Australian man was happily poking his penis into an
estranged wife, reports the Brisbane Courier-Mail. Their coitus was
cruelly interrupted by the woman’s angry ex-husband, who knifed off the rod of his
rival.
Sept. 27: A suicidal 42-year-old man near Yale University tried to
bleed himself to death by pruning off his phallus. The Connecticutter
survived, and was impelled by a local judge to accept reattachment, says
AP.
Sept. 3: Sex offender John Henry Brown was grossly abbreviated in an
Oklahoma prison by his cellmate, James Todd Frosig. Physicians’ attempts
to sew the pedophiliac prick back on were unsuccessful, notes AP.
Aug. 30: A young Pole butchered off his bratwurst near Warsaw, in an
inexplicable act of self-mutilation. Five hours later, doctors at
Bialystock Hospital successfully stitched his sausage back into his groin,
reports AP.
John Wayne Bobbit remains the most famous “Lost Weenie” cut-case; in 1993
he was dismembered by his allegedly battered wife, Lorena, who drove off through
Virginia streets with the dick. When the cock was found curbside, John was
granted a second stiff life. Since then, he’s proved his resiliency in
porn films, such as “Frankenpenis” and “John Wayne Bobbit … Uncut.”
No one knows how many men have had their fifth limbs amputated, but a
“No-Penis Club” posted by Spy magazine suggests that amateur penectomies occur internationally. Vengeful clipping by husbands and ex-husbands, like last week’s Aussie incident, seem to be a strictly Anglo-nation hobby: the only other cases on record happened in Alabama (1988) and Kansas (1989).
Wives whittling husbands is a multicultural phenomenon,
however. A machete was utilized in the Philippines in 1993 to deter a
drunk spouse demanding sex, a razor blade was employed in Bangladesh in
1992 by a woman whose husband wanted a divorce, a knife did the trick in
Russia in 1992 when Tamara’s husband told her she “was too old” and
scissors did the snipping in Hong Kong in 1987 when Lin Yuk-sang’s wife
discovered that he had a mistress (she flushed his penis down the toilet
as well). Lorena Bobbit herself was Ecuadorian.
Oddly enough, the greatest penis peril resides in the owner’s own hands.
The recent Connecticutter and Pole have only their own mad brains to blame,
and they’re joined by an odd Australian in 1992 who hacked off his hose
because he was mad at a woman. Voluntary “male nullification” is also a kinky trend that cutting-edge body modifiers are currently exploring. Online
chop-talk praises the “smoothie” look one achieves, if one also adds simple
castration.
How many victims die? Miraculously, my extensive research failed to find a
single fatality in any of the weenie-removal reports. Although blood loss
is enormous, the attacked scrotal area clots and heals itself quickly.
I hope I never have to find out.
Carnal goo
New products now being tested promise to alleviate female sexual dysfunction.
Imagine a gel that women layer on their pudenda that magically swells the area with lustful desire. Blood engorges the labia, the clitoris stiffens excitedly and lubrication (the historic task of foreplay) is swiftly unleashed by the moistening cream. A tiny dollop rubbed in softly and — shazam! — the female tingles, itching with passion.
Such a thing exists. Many over-the-counter sex creams that speed up women’s “libida” are already available, and two biopharmaceutical companies are aching to get their new love lotions approved by the Food and Drug Administration. Their medical and financial ambition is to garner the products massive Viagra-esque popularity with women.
Continue Reading CloseSexy penises
The circumcision decision could affect a baby's future sex life.
“He’ll never get a blow job!” pregnant Abigail fretted, “if we don’t circumcise him.”
“Fellatio,” her husband Kent conceded, “is man’s best friend. But why won’t my son get sucked if he’s whole?”
The Berkeley, Calif., baby shower had disintegrated into yet another debate about circumcision. Every well-wisher on the festive patio knew that neo-natal Zachary already owned 15 stuffed animals, nine Dr. Seuss books and enough green overalls to costume an elf army, but the parents — like so many others — hadn’t determined yet if the tot would be sporting a foreskin.
Continue Reading CloseThe quest for sweet semen
I learned how to transform funky spunk into delicious joy juice -- but ultimately decided not to.
“You’ve got funky-tasting spunk,” Samantha tells her bitter paramour on the Aug. 6 “Sex and the City” episode, as she refuses to fellate his foully spurting member. “Giving head [to you] is like a trip to the rotten-egg buffet.”
I winced watching this, because I am consumed with greedy but guilty desire when it comes to the issue of squirting inside the mouth and swallowing. I adore oral acceptance of my penile offering, but I’m cravenly apologetic asking for it, because I’m sure the texture and flavor are repulsive on my lover’s palate. Fear of Samanthas also inhibits me: My crotch loves a tongue-lashing but my ego doesn’t.
Continue Reading ClosePenis gourds: The rebel uniform
Indonesia's government sees the garb worn by Dani tribesmen as backward and an act of defiance.
Indonesia is a polyglot nation of 13,000 islands, 300 ethnic groups and 365 languages that has always been ruled by the heavy-handed, populous Javanese. East Timor’s recent wrenching escape from the iron grip of
Jakarta is only the most visible boil in this archipelago that festers with religious, economic and cultural strife. The next bloodbath could break out in the province of Irian Jaya, the western half of New Guinea, where recent settlers have zero in common with the Stone Age indigenous inhabitants.
Is there a connection between AIDS and circumcision?
Researchers claim decade-old evidence has been ignored.
Male circumcision could help diminish the HIV/AIDS pandemic in developing countries, but health professionals are reluctant to publicize this fact, according to an editorial in the Lancet by Daniel Halperin and Robert Bailey. The authors cite a study, published a decade ago, of 422 Kenyan men who habitually visited prostitutes. The research showed that the uncircumcised men had an 8.2 times greater risk of infection. Of 38 additional investigations, 27 from eight different countries found a similar association between uncut men and infection.
Continue Reading ClosePage 1 of 15 in Hank Hyena