2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Friday, Nov 12, 1999 5:00 PM UTC
Plague of penis-slashing cuts across planet
As the millennium approaches, male members are being abbreviated in record numbers.
Topics: Life News
Nov. 12, 1999
Watch your meat, men! Male sex organs are getting sliced off at an
alarming rate as the end of the millennium approaches.
Nov. 9: An Australian man was happily poking his penis into an
estranged wife, reports the Brisbane Courier-Mail. Their coitus was
cruelly interrupted by the woman’s angry ex-husband, who knifed off the rod of his
rival.
Sept. 27: A suicidal 42-year-old man near Yale University tried to
bleed himself to death by pruning off his phallus. The Connecticutter
survived, and was impelled by a local judge to accept reattachment, says
AP.
Sept. 3: Sex offender John Henry Brown was grossly abbreviated in an
Oklahoma prison by his cellmate, James Todd Frosig. Physicians’ attempts
to sew the pedophiliac prick back on were unsuccessful, notes AP.
Aug. 30: A young Pole butchered off his bratwurst near Warsaw, in an
inexplicable act of self-mutilation. Five hours later, doctors at
Bialystock Hospital successfully stitched his sausage back into his groin,
reports AP.
John Wayne Bobbit remains the most famous “Lost Weenie” cut-case; in 1993
he was dismembered by his allegedly battered wife, Lorena, who drove off through
Virginia streets with the dick. When the cock was found curbside, John was
granted a second stiff life. Since then, he’s proved his resiliency in
porn films, such as “Frankenpenis” and “John Wayne Bobbit … Uncut.”
No one knows how many men have had their fifth limbs amputated, but a
“No-Penis Club” posted by Spy magazine suggests that amateur penectomies occur internationally. Vengeful clipping by husbands and ex-husbands, like last week’s Aussie incident, seem to be a strictly Anglo-nation hobby: the only other cases on record happened in Alabama (1988) and Kansas (1989).
Wives whittling husbands is a multicultural phenomenon,
however. A machete was utilized in the Philippines in 1993 to deter a
drunk spouse demanding sex, a razor blade was employed in Bangladesh in
1992 by a woman whose husband wanted a divorce, a knife did the trick in
Russia in 1992 when Tamara’s husband told her she “was too old” and
scissors did the snipping in Hong Kong in 1987 when Lin Yuk-sang’s wife
discovered that he had a mistress (she flushed his penis down the toilet
as well). Lorena Bobbit herself was Ecuadorian.
Hank Hyena is a former columnist for SF Gate, and a frequent contributor to Salon.
More Hank Hyena.
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