Books
Beowulf vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Who will layeth the smack down?
In one of the more curious publishing phenomena of the year, “Beowulf,” an epic poem written over a millennium ago — and loathed by high school students ever since — has moved up to No. 8 on the New York Times bestseller list. Meanwhile, over in TV land, the World Wrestling Federation continues its mystifying climb in the ratings. As of two weeks ago, the WWF’s “Raw Is War” program on Monday nights is pulling in 7.7 million viewers, dominating cable in its time slot.
At first glance, “Beowulf” and the WWF don’t seem to have much in common. But closer inspection reveals some startling similarities. Both feature ominously named, testosterone-fueled men who are capable of unlikely and bizarre feats of prowess. Both ostensibly revolve around blood-drenched free-for-alls but, in fact, mainly entail oversize guys boasting and shouting between fights.
Putting aside possible reasons for their convergent popularity, here’s a more pressing question: How would Beowulf do in the ring against one of the WWF’s reigning champs, say, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? Let’s compare:
The contestants
Beowulf, aka “Prince of the War-Geats”
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin, aka “The Rattlesnake”
Place of birth
Beowulf: Geatland
Stone Cold: Texas
What they wear
Beowulf: Hard-ringed, gold-filigreed chain mail
Stone Cold: Black lace-up boots, black leather vest, black briefs
What the writers say
Beowulf: “The mightiest man on Earth.” (Seamus Heaney, Nobel Prize-winning poet)
Stone Cold: “Stands head and shoulders above the rest.” (Jorge Montenegro, contributor to Wrestling World magazine)
Best finishing move
Beowulf: The “grip of 30″
Stone Cold: The “stunner”
Defining moment
Beowulf: Engaged in an ocean-swimming contest with his childhood friend, Breca. Swam a full week while wearing armor and carrying a sword. Lost the race but survived an onslaught of “sea-brutes” before reaching the coast of Finland.
Stone Cold: Bled profusely and passed out during a “Submission Match” with his archrival, Canadian “Hit Man” Bret Hart. Lost the match but received exuberant cheers of “Austin! Austin!” from the sold-out crowd.
Career highlight
Beowulf: Tussled barehanded with the monster Grendel in the Mead Hall. Used his celebrated “grip of 30″ to rip off Grendel’s arm and throw it into the rafters. Later, tracked Grendel’s mother to her underwater lair and whupped her, too, before lopping off Grendel’s head.
Stone Cold: Smashed Hart over the head with a steel chair on “Raw.” Later, brutalized Hart’s knee with a wrenching “sharpshooter.” Then hid in Hart’s ambulance and attacked again, putting Hit Man out of commission for three months. After that, took on Hart’s brother, Owen, and whupped him, too.
When not engaged in mortal combat
Beowulf: Peacefully rules the Geats for 50 years.
Stone Cold: Guest-stars on “Nash Bridges.”
Best quote
Beowulf: “Hand-to-hand is how it will be, a life-and-death fight with the fiend.”
Stone Cold: “And that’s the bottom line, ’cause Stone Cold says so!”
The verdict
This would be a bruising, no-holds-barred grapple. On the verbal front, the edge goes to the foulmouthed Rattlesnake. His unprintable boasts are legendary. Also, nobody knows what Beowulf is bragging about most of the time. (What are sea-brutes, anyway?) In the ring, the thane’s acclaimed breath-holding abilities will stand him in good stead when the 254-pound beer-swilling Austin sits on his face and corkscrews his left knee. Once the real brawling begins, however, the edge goes to the Geat. That grip spells sheer doom for Stone Cold’s rotator cuff!
Jim Rasenberger is a screenwriter in New York. He has written for Vanity Fair, New York and Yahoo! Internet Life. More Jim Rasenberger.
“The Aleppo Codex”: The bizarre history of a precious book
A reporter traces the shadowy fate of the definitive version of the Hebrew Bible
Matti Friedman An ancient and priceless book, a murky history of evasions and coverups, an underground of sinister and possibly violent dealers, a former spy who drops tantalizing hints and a wily 84-year-old millionaire who says stuff like, “The problem with this story is that it could damage your health”: Are these the ingredients for a cheesy, improbable historical thriller? Yet “The Aleppo Codex,” Matti Friedman’s account of his attempts to learn the history of one of the world’s most precious books, sports all of these assets, and it’s nonfiction. If reporting this story damaged Friedman’s health, it probably happened when he realized what he’d stumbled into and his reporter’s heart started beating in doubletime.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Augusten Burroughs: Conquer trauma by letting it go
Salon exclusive: The best-selling memoirist says past horrors haunt us because we think about them too much. Stop
Augusten Burroughs Many people continue to feel influenced and even controlled by the things that happened to them a long time ago. Sometimes, people harbor dark, traumatic memories from childhood. Or fragments of memories — incomplete scenes, uncomfortable feelings, perhaps even a sense of certainty that something specific and terrible happened to them, but little more than this.
Others experienced something traumatic in adulthood that continues to affect them day to day many years later. Maybe an assault has left a person afraid to leave their home or enter a particular neighborhood.
Continue Reading CloseAugusten Burroughs' many books include "Runnning With Scissors," "Dry," "Sellevision," "Magical Thinking" and "Possible Side Effects." His latest book is "This Is How." More Augusten Burroughs.
Why did we move to Paris?
Leaving New York seemed ideal. Until the crazy landlord, topless exams, the French flu, the lack of credit cards...
Rosecrans Baldwin Paris’s neighborhoods, the arrondissements, are organized like a twist. They spiral from the river like toilet water flushing in reverse and erupting out of the bowl — a corkscrew or what have you, a flattened pig’s tail, a whorling braid notched one to 20. But if you walk from one neighborhood to the next, there is little to suggest the numbers changing. So it was confusing. Anyway, if you began in the middle of the Seine and snaked around, we lived on the Right Bank in the top of the third arrondissement, called the haut Marais, the upper Marais, on Rue Béranger, a quiet little street curling down from Place de la République.
Continue Reading CloseRosecrans Baldwin is a founding editor of The Morning News. His first novel, "You Lost Me There," was named one of NPR's Best Books of 2010. His latest book is "Paris I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down." More Rosecrans Baldwin.
Robert Caro’s bloated LBJ biography
Robert Caro's latest LBJ tome has everyone -- even Bill Clinton! -- hyping it. They've been had
“Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked.” When Bob Dylan wrote that line in 1964, the naked emperor was Lyndon Johnson, which makes that image perhaps the most disturbing in all of Dylan’s apocalyptic work.
By stripping down Lyndon Baines Johnson to his essence, Robert Caro has himself become an American legend. Since the publication of “The Path to Power” in 1982, Caro has transformed LBJ’s life into a cautionary tale of Shakespearean dimensions. In some wonky circles, the release of a new volume is heralded like the Summer of Love release of “Sgt. Pepper’s.” Can Caro possibly top his “Revolver”?”
Continue Reading Close“Bring Up the Bodies”: Hilary Mantel’s power play
The sequel to her Booker-winning "Wolf Hall" is a thrilling exploration of what it took to run Tudor England
“Bring Up the Bodies,” Hilary Mantel’s follow-up to her Man Booker Prize-winning 2009 novel, “Wolf Hall,” is a high-wire act, a feat of novelistic derring-do. Mantel makes bold not with form — by now meaningful experimentation in that area seems exhausted — but with the very material that brings most readers to novels in the first place: our imaginative identification with fictional characters and the experiences we feel we’re sharing with them.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
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