If I take my eyes off the TV, I might die.
I‘m a lousy lay. I know it. What can I do? I get nervous. In fact, I can’t even imagine not being nervous. I have fantasies, you know, of really weird stuff like being a doctor and examining my patients. But even in my fantasies I’m nervous and the patient has to “help me out,” you know?
On occasion I have had girlfriends. Girls can be very persuasive, especially where I work. They ask me first of all if I’m married. Then they check out if I’m gay. Then if I’ve got a steady girlfriend. And then they move in on me.
I find myself, you know, on dates. Going to movies and things. And you’d think that a nervous, semi-impotent, premature-ejaculating guy like me would never get anywhere with women. I’m not even particularly good-looking. I’m too skinny and a little too tall. I don’t have any muscles and my pot belly has gotten pretty big. But they don’t care.
Last week was pretty typical. I end up going to see the “Star Wars” prequel with this girl from shipping. And she’s nice. I mean, I wished I wasn’t so nervous so I could stop worrying about what a lousy sex partner I am so I could enjoy her company. But it’s like clockwork. I don’t have to do anything. She invited me over to her house after the movie. And even though I broke out in a cold sweat, one thing led to the next.
When we got to her place it was around 11 so I knew the “Frasier” reruns were on TV. I thought, we can just watch those, that should be relaxing. And we’re sitting on her couch, side by side, not really snuggling or anything and she gets restless. As if I don’t really want to watch “Frasier,” I’m just pretending to be watching TV to play hard to get. When in fact, I’m totally freaked out by the prospect of anything “adult” happening between us.
So she plays with my hair and runs her hand under my shirt and I just keep watching. Like if I take my eyes off the TV I might die. And she just keeps going. I’m watching John Mahoney hobbling around on his cane and she’s got my thing in her mouth. And you know, as usual, it doesn’t take me very long, oops, I, you know, ejaculate. I didn’t want to. I find ejaculating very scary, like maybe the stuff will start coming out and not stop, you know? Until I’m completely emptied like an old tube of toothpaste.
Now you’d think that would be disappointing. That a girl would not enjoy being with a guy who’s just watching a sitcom and has a small penis and comes in two seconds. But it didn’t seem to bother her at all. She just snuggled into me and then after awhile she got up and went in the kitchen and got us Triscuits with some sliced Kraft cheese. And they were good.
Eric Bogosian is an actor and writer. His solo shows include "Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll" and "Wake Up and Smell the Coffee." His novel "Mall" will be published by Simon & Schuster in November. More Eric Bogosian.
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