Books
“The Darwin Awards”
The cult-favorite Web site spawns a book memorializing the kind of people who meet their maker at hurricane beach parties.
It’s discomforting to know that if a bizarre death should befall you as a result of your own idiocy, strangers might immortalize you for the klutzy ignorance, out-of-control testosterone or incapacitating inebriation that caused your demise. While friends and family weep at your funeral, connoisseurs of extravagant deaths from Indiana to Indonesia might be giggling at their laptops over your fate, warmly thanking you for having removed yourself from reproductive contention. Wendy Northcutt, a University of California at Berkeley-educated molecular biologist, has gathered almost 200 stories of deadly human folly for her new book, “The Darwin Awards.” As Northcutt quotes a Stephen Wright aphorism, “The problem with the gene pool is, there’s no lifeguard.”
The Darwin Awards, which began as an Internet phenomenon in 1993, are in a way a strange testament to human evolution: Not only are some of us superior beings “bewilderingly unable to cope with the obvious dangers in the modern world,” but others, the survivors, serve up funny awards for the morbid achievements of those who turned out to be less well adapted. Only human beings, after all, could be simultaneously capable of self-destructive stupidity and comic self-reflection.
So, a warning to all dimwits: Be aware that should you decide to peer down the barrel of a gun while your lighter flames against the gunpowder, or throw a stick of dynamite while your faithful Labrador retriever sits beside you, your death might merit a Darwin Award or, if you live, an honorable mention.
Of course, Darwin Award proponents don’t advocate warnings of any kind — they want serious contenders to buy the farm in an innovative fashion, and as soon as possible. Read the book and this macabre attitude becomes understandable. It’s mind-boggling how many people throw the pin but hold onto the grenade. Many of these subjects might have enjoyed fine and lucrative careers as performance artists. Unbeknown to them (which is the beauty of it), killing themselves is their art, and the act includes everything from hosting a hurricane beach party to leaving unfed a pet Burmese python to nibbling off an exotic dancer’s sequined pasties — and choking to death on them.
And Americans aren’t the stupidest people on the planet after all. Darwin winners hail from all over the globe (though I did notice that Michigan, alcohol and below-average temperatures seem to be a particularly dangerous combination). One Darwin statuette was awarded to a German hunter who was shot dead by his own dog after he left the playful pooch alone in the car with a loaded gun — pointed out the window. And six Egyptian citizens won a prize for attempting to save a chicken that had fallen into a well. All six drowned, but the buoyant chicken was pulled out alive.
Other recipients have been criminals, such as the honorable-mention British thief who evaded security at a hospital only to happen upon a tanning bed and decide his skin could use a browning. The poor, pale bloke, never wondering why a hospital would keep a tanning bed, didn’t realize that the high-voltage ultraviolet machine was meant for burn victims. When he broke into blisters, he fled to another hospital wearing a stolen hospital jacket and was quickly apprehended (after treatment). One of my other favorites is the dingbat who tried to rob a Nashville restaurant by sliding down an exhaust chute. The tubby robber didn’t fit, so he got naked and tried to shimmy down. Unfortunately for him, his arm got caught under his chin, and he smothered himself. This story is unconfirmed, as many of the tales are, but I’m captivated by the image of the restaurant’s workers shuffling in the next day to find a pair of naked, hairy legs dangling inches from the griddle.
Self-sterilization — removing yourself from the gene pool by cutting off, burning or otherwise disabling the sexual organs — is a backdoor route to Darwin Awards fame. Ponder the Pennsylvania worker who tried to masturbate by holding his penis against the canvas dry belt of a large piece of machinery and got his scrotum caught in the works, then tried to seal the wound himself with a staple gun.
Northcutt’s book also glosses the stories with handy bits of scientific information that could help you avoid a Darwin-esque fate. If you’re confronted by an Amazon anaconda, for example, don’t follow the purported advice of a Peace Corps manual to lie still and allow the snake to get started on your feet — 99 percent of the time, these snakes swallow from the head down. Northcutt also lets readers in on the “Philosophy Forums,” where voters debate the stupidity quotient of how someone kicked the bucket. John F. Kennedy Jr. was once a nominee, and a heartfelt deliberation ensued via e-mail. Because Northcutt felt his death was merely a lapse of judgment, John-John was spared a Darwin.
One of the greatest pleasures of the collection is scanning the index, which runs from “A literal fountain of cess” to “Yosemite National Park” — a glittering cache of improbable causes of death. For the most part, the stories are easy to digest because the victims are virtually anonymous. Once in a while, though, a certain story struck me as more sad than idiotic, and I felt a little guilty mocking it. (Northcutt advises readers not to read the book in one sitting; I think this may be why.) Take the story of Andrew, who, while fighting with his young son over a missing container of chocolate cake icing, thrust a knife into the kid’s hand and challenged him to take a stab. The dad’s last words were, “Would you believe the kid did that?”
Suzy Hansen, a former editor at Salon, is an editor at the New York Observer. More Suzy Hansen.
“The Aleppo Codex”: The bizarre history of a precious book
A reporter traces the shadowy fate of the definitive version of the Hebrew Bible
Matti Friedman An ancient and priceless book, a murky history of evasions and coverups, an underground of sinister and possibly violent dealers, a former spy who drops tantalizing hints and a wily 84-year-old millionaire who says stuff like, “The problem with this story is that it could damage your health”: Are these the ingredients for a cheesy, improbable historical thriller? Yet “The Aleppo Codex,” Matti Friedman’s account of his attempts to learn the history of one of the world’s most precious books, sports all of these assets, and it’s nonfiction. If reporting this story damaged Friedman’s health, it probably happened when he realized what he’d stumbled into and his reporter’s heart started beating in doubletime.
Continue Reading Close
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Augusten Burroughs: Conquer trauma by letting it go
Salon exclusive: The best-selling memoirist says past horrors haunt us because we think about them too much. Stop
Augusten Burroughs Many people continue to feel influenced and even controlled by the things that happened to them a long time ago. Sometimes, people harbor dark, traumatic memories from childhood. Or fragments of memories — incomplete scenes, uncomfortable feelings, perhaps even a sense of certainty that something specific and terrible happened to them, but little more than this.
Others experienced something traumatic in adulthood that continues to affect them day to day many years later. Maybe an assault has left a person afraid to leave their home or enter a particular neighborhood.
Continue Reading CloseAugusten Burroughs' many books include "Runnning With Scissors," "Dry," "Sellevision," "Magical Thinking" and "Possible Side Effects." His latest book is "This Is How." More Augusten Burroughs.
Why did we move to Paris?
Leaving New York seemed ideal. Until the crazy landlord, topless exams, the French flu, the lack of credit cards...
Rosecrans Baldwin Paris’s neighborhoods, the arrondissements, are organized like a twist. They spiral from the river like toilet water flushing in reverse and erupting out of the bowl — a corkscrew or what have you, a flattened pig’s tail, a whorling braid notched one to 20. But if you walk from one neighborhood to the next, there is little to suggest the numbers changing. So it was confusing. Anyway, if you began in the middle of the Seine and snaked around, we lived on the Right Bank in the top of the third arrondissement, called the haut Marais, the upper Marais, on Rue Béranger, a quiet little street curling down from Place de la République.
Continue Reading CloseRosecrans Baldwin is a founding editor of The Morning News. His first novel, "You Lost Me There," was named one of NPR's Best Books of 2010. His latest book is "Paris I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down." More Rosecrans Baldwin.
Robert Caro’s bloated LBJ biography
Robert Caro's latest LBJ tome has everyone -- even Bill Clinton! -- hyping it. They've been had
“Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked.” When Bob Dylan wrote that line in 1964, the naked emperor was Lyndon Johnson, which makes that image perhaps the most disturbing in all of Dylan’s apocalyptic work.
By stripping down Lyndon Baines Johnson to his essence, Robert Caro has himself become an American legend. Since the publication of “The Path to Power” in 1982, Caro has transformed LBJ’s life into a cautionary tale of Shakespearean dimensions. In some wonky circles, the release of a new volume is heralded like the Summer of Love release of “Sgt. Pepper’s.” Can Caro possibly top his “Revolver”?”
Continue Reading Close“Bring Up the Bodies”: Hilary Mantel’s power play
The sequel to her Booker-winning "Wolf Hall" is a thrilling exploration of what it took to run Tudor England
“Bring Up the Bodies,” Hilary Mantel’s follow-up to her Man Booker Prize-winning 2009 novel, “Wolf Hall,” is a high-wire act, a feat of novelistic derring-do. Mantel makes bold not with form — by now meaningful experimentation in that area seems exhausted — but with the very material that brings most readers to novels in the first place: our imaginative identification with fictional characters and the experiences we feel we’re sharing with them.
Continue Reading Close
Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Page 1 of 984 in Books