Movies
“Resident Evil”
Zombies! Mutant Doberman pinschers! Milla Jovovich in a slinky red slip-dress! Wake me when it's over.
If the appeal of playing video games is that you have some control over the outcome, then what’s so exciting about seeing characters from those games left to their own deadly dull devices on a movie screen? “Resident Evil” doesn’t even begin to answer that question. No one’s asking for well-developed characters or even a coherent story line (though neither would hurt). But the action sequences in “Resident Evil” are stagy and disconnected, and although there are a few cheesily awesome effects (an invisible laser that can silently and swiftly slice a body into neat diamond-shaped portions — kewl!), most of the dangers the characters face feel redundant and well-catalogued. Look out — here come a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies! Hey, watch out for those mutant Dobermans! Don’t look now — more zombies! And so forth.
None of those zombies or bad-ass doggies would exist if it weren’t for the mega-evil Umbrella Corporation, a bioengineering conglomerate that’s been doing some very naughty experiments in its basement. When a vial of virus juice breaks and contaminates Umbrella’s vast underground research facility (known as the Hive), the supercomputer that oversees it (known as the Red Queen) locks the place down and kills everyone inside.
But all those people are not really dead. Viral contamination has turned them into a league of zombies with hollowed-out eyes, bits of their faces eaten off, and bad posture — you can spot them slouching toward you a mile away. Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) lead a small crew of commandos deep into the Hive to disable the Red Queen and save the world from this treacherous virus.
The first stretch of “Resident Evil” suggests that writer and director Paul W.S. Anderson (“Mortal Kombat”) thinks that “suspense” means making people wait a long time for stuff to actually happen. Then when things finally do start happening, you wish they would stop. Alice, Rain and their team spend the whole movie rushing about the Hive, fending off those “Night of the Living Dead” ghoulies (who have the power to infect the living by inflicting the merest scratch) and a pathetic handful of other beasties (namely, the aforementioned Dobermans and an Alien-like slime thingy). Some loud, dull clanking industrial noises pop up on the soundtrack now and then, to cue us in to when we’re supposed to get really excited. And there are a few moments designed to make us leap out of our seats (decapitation by elevator door, anyone?).
Jovovich may not get to be much of an actress here, but with those merciless pale-blue eyes and that haughty feline smile, she at least has the right look to carry off cartoonish characters like Alice. She doesn’t look half-bad here, strutting about in supple black motorcycle boots and a slinky red slip-dress with coordinating hot pants: In one sequence she strides across a long industrial corridor, swinging her long legs as if to mimic the pixillated jerkiness of a video game.
But with the exception of crushing a zombie’s skull between her mighty thighs, she doesn’t get to do anything particularly interesting. Not that the other actors do either, with the solitary exception of Rodriguez, who is instantly recognizable by her trademark “check out the whites of my eyes” scowl. (Would it be possible for the Screen Actors Guild to start a special fund to buy her a new expression?)
Characters you should have come to care about meet gruesome deaths, but you find yourself not giving a fig: Each time another character gets picked off, you’re reminded that it’s a good time to check your watch. Most of the time Anderson doesn’t even bother to tell us where his characters are in the Hive or what they’re doing. (Don’t expect much help from the beeping computer-graphic maps that flash onto the screen now and then.) “Resident Evil” is mildly grisly, assaultively noisy and tremendously boring. It’s action-packed in the most mindless and mechanical way. And you don’t even get to push any buttons.
Stephanie Zacharek is a senior writer for Salon Arts & Entertainment. More Stephanie Zacharek.
Pick of the week: Haunting, gorgeous “Oslo, August 31st”
Pick of the week: "Oslo, August 31st" is a wrenching voyage of discovery in Norway's suddenly trendy capital
“Oslo, August 31st” is, as the title suggests, an evocation of one day in the Norwegian capital, as experienced by a troubled young man who’s facing the end of summer and the end of his youth. It’s a marvelously constructed personal journey, both wrenching and bittersweet, whose emotional ripple effects stay with you for days and weeks afterward. While much of international art cinema can seem overly talky or conceptually alien to American viewers, this second feature film from Norwegian director Joachim Trier is a dynamic, even breathtaking visual experience without much dialogue or any philosophical heavy lifting, following the bony, handsome, exceedingly vulnerable Anders (Anders Danielsen Lie) through coffee shops, nightclubs and bodies of water, en route to an ambiguous final destination.
Continue Reading Close“Moonrise Kingdom”: Wes Anderson’s mid-’60s love story
Bruce Willis and Ed Norton are at their best in the rapturous summer fantasy "Moonrise Kingdom"
Tilda Swinton, Bruce Willis and Edward Norton in "Moonrise Kingdom" All the details of Wes Anderson’s rapturous and hilarious mid-1960s New England summer romance “Moonrise Kingdom,” taken one at a time, are plausible. Indeed they are more than plausible; they’re perfect, from the fitted uniforms and yellow canvas tents of the troop of “Khaki Scouts” headed by cigarette-smoking Edward Norton to the achingly picturesque island home where the brood of children belonging to Bill Murray and Frances McDormand sit around listening to the Leonard Bernstein recording of “A Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra.” (I’m not going to bother questioning whether that record existed in 1965; some production intern probably spent half a day tracking down its history.)
Continue Reading CloseMovie assailant punches a kid, becomes a folk hero
A 10-year-old gets punched in the face for being too noisy at "Titanic" -- and the Internet applauds the beating
(Credit: iStockphoto/IBushuev) It’s a general rule of thumb that a grown man doesn’t get a lot of support for knocking out a 10-year-old child’s teeth. But Yong Hyun Kim has won himself a few fans lately for doing just that.
Back on April 11, the 21-year-old Washington state man settled in with his girlfriend to enjoy “Titanic” in 3D — right in front of a boy known only in police documents as KJJ. What ensued led to a night in jail and a charge of second-degree assault.
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Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
“The Intouchables”: Racial comedy, French style
"The Intouchables" is the biggest foreign-language film of all time. Some critics say it's also racist
A still from "The Intouchables" Here’s a startling news item: “The Intouchables,” a lively if largely predictable Parisian comedy about a wealthy quadriplegic and his ne’er-do-well immigrant caretaker, has become the biggest international success in the history of French cinema. Indeed, according to some sources — and these things are notoriously difficult to measure on a global and historical scale — “The Intouchables” is now the biggest non-Anglophone film of all time, with a worldwide gross approaching $300 million.
Continue Reading CloseMale grooming: The movie
From beard contests to ball cream, Morgan Spurlock's "Mansome" goofs through modern-day male narcissism
Jack Passion in "Mansome" American men are bewildered about their place in the cosmos, or so we have been told repeatedly over the last 20 years. They don’t know whether to thread their eyebrows or wield a welding torch, and end up trying to do both at once (which is inadvisable). As comedian Adam Carolla laments in a scene from Morgan Spurlock’s documentary “Mansome,” the old-time certainties of gender identity have melted away: Women are flying fighter jets and men work at the hair salon; there are no longer “chick jobs and guy jobs.”
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