Star Wars
In space, no one can hear you groan
The soul-deadening string of clich
“Star Wars: Episode II — Attack of the Clones” could be the worst movie ever made and still it would have the faithful rallying around the Lucas franchise, brandishing their light sabers like bayonets. Against that army of formidable opponents, it seems like a waste of breath to point out the flaws in a movie that isn’t really a movie at all: truncated sequences that don’t string together into a coherent story, dialogue that may as well have been cobbled together out of pieces of wood instead of words, love scenes shot to look like douche commercials. At this point, George Lucas can put whatever he wants on-screen and get away with it. He has become the ruler of the universe, at least the one between his ears; his wish is our command.
Anyone who dares criticize Lucas has to be prepared for an onslaught of e-mail from fans. But the irony here is that for all the fan-boy loyalty he inspires, Lucas doesn’t make movies with the hopes or desires of an audience — any audience — in mind. In his fortress, the lights are on, but nobody’s home.
Forget for a minute that we’re the ones paying the electricity bill. “Attack of the Clones” is barely reviewable as a movie because it’s something so far beyond (and yet less than) anything an honest-to-God movie should be. It’s an event, a juggernaut, with a preprogrammed audience ready to like it whether it’s any good or not.
Of course, you could have said the same about “Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace,” and you’d be right. But as aggressively piddling and impossible-to-follow as that film was, “Attack of the Clones” is actually worse. Instead of unraveling the back story behind the first “Star Wars” (now, of course, designated as Episode IV) in any recognizable narrative fashion, Lucas has decided to tell it with almost exclusively expository dialogue and a handful of not particularly impressive effects thrown in.
In fact, Lucas seems to have gone out of his way to make the plot complicated, as if following the wormy convolutions of the tale were supposed to be some kind of test — forget actually caring for the characters or being enthralled by the magic of a story as it unfolds. The message seems to be, if you find yourself unable to diagram the plot and all its alleged intricacies in 60 seconds or less, you can’t belong to the club.
Which may be why so many people, consciously or otherwise, are desperate to belong. In the case of “Attack of the Clones,” what does your Captain George Decoder Ring get you? You get the crawl at the beginning to explain where we’re at in the story, which you’ll need whether you remember a shred of the plot of “The Phantom Menace” or not.
Ten years have passed: Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) is no longer the queen of the planet Naboo, but an important senator who represents her home planet in the Galactic Republic. Even though we don’t really see her do anything except flit about in the worst movie gowns since “Mahogany,” she apparently is important enough for someone to want to assassinate her.
An attempt on Padmé’s life fails, and Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor, again doing a fine Alec Guinness impersonation but otherwise seeming lost and alone in the galaxy as the one actor attempting to give a real performance in this mess) and his young protégé Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are assigned to investigate.
The trail leads them to Count Dooku (Christopher Lee), and you know he’s bad because his name sounds kind of like kidspeak for “turd.” Dooku is a separatist who wants to secede from the Republic and otherwise stir up all sorts of trouble. Luckily, though, on a distant planet everybody has forgotten about, there’s an army of mighty soldier clones who are almost ready to receive their orders to defend the Republic. They’ve been grown from the earwax scrapings of a fearless bounty hunter named Jango Fett, who’s the last of the Mandalorians and also the forefather of a great Gypsy guitarist.
In other words, this is a story you’ll definitely want to take seriously. It really heats up when young Anakin and Amadala, who knew each other as kids but haven’t laid eyes on each other since the puberty fairy waved his magic rod, fall desperately in love. But of course, a Jedi knight isn’t allowed to have relationships with the fair sex, and a senator has no time for nookie, anyway.
Thus we’re subjected to an embarrassingly dewy scene, set on a soft-focus hillside straight out of “The Sound of Music,” in which the two roll around playfully together on the grass, each hoping to inadvertently cop a feel. Later, they stare into each other’s eyes on a moonlit terrace, talking in hushed tones about the infeasibility of inserting Tab A into Slot B. Forget “Spaceballs” — we’re talking “Blue Balls.”
Poor George Lucas: For him, the whole galaxy is a town without pity. He approaches the love scenes between Anakin and Amidala with unsheathed embarrassment. Clearly, he can’t wait for them to be over so he can get on to the cool stuff, much of which he’s stolen from other movies anyway. (A city of roadways floating parallel to one another on many different levels is lifted straight out of “The Fifth Element”; there’s a major battle, complete with bloodthirsty beasts, derived straight from “Gladiator.”)
There’s one special-effects scene in “Attack of the Clones” that qualifies as fun: A light-saber duel between Dooku and that little whippersnapper Yoda, who’s about one-sixth his size. When Yoda swings and sweeps through the air, jabbing and slicing at the stringbean-elegant Dooku (even when he’s playing a dud of a character, Lee can’t help but look elegant), the movie gets a momentary jolt of energy. The sequence works because it shows us a Yoda we haven’t seen before, moving in a way we never imagined he could — it’s a bit like seeing Kermit the Frog ride a bicycle. In that one sequence, Lucas creates a believable reality for a beloved and well-known character that teases and tickles our imagination.
The rest of the time, though, “Attack of the Clones” leaves us constantly hoping that with the next scene, something exciting will actually happen. The story is chopped up into dozens of tiny, episodic bits; they’re supposed to move the action along rapidly, but they only serve to make the movie feel like an elongated cheapie toy train with too many cars for its weak engine to pull.
What’s more, Lucas has never met a stereotype he didn’t like. Jar Jar Binks, his dreads dangling and his patois pattering, makes a few brief appearances. (For what it’s worth, the preview audience I saw the movie with hissed when he came on-screen and cheered when he left.) We also get another chance to see the crooked moneylender we first met in “The Phantom Menace,” the guy with the insect wings and the big, hooked nose. This time, he has apparently sold Anakin’s mother down the river. But we know he’s not supposed to look Jewish or anything because, as everybody knows, Jews don’t have wings.
Scene after scene, “Attack of the Clones” looks, sounds and smells bad. Portman and Christensen (the first of whom is incredibly talented, and the second of whom at least had a fighting chance in “Life as a House”) bumble about awkwardly, trampling over their own and one another’s clumsy lines. (Portman’s outfits are a consistent disappointment: Whose idea was it to put her in that chintzy Courrèges-by-way-of-Target stretch outfit for the climactic escape scene?)
“Attack of the Clones” is the ultimate betrayal of the two high points in the “Star Wars” series: It’s such a far cry from the giddy, Saturday-afternoon feel of the first “Star Wars,” and from Irvin Kershner’s somber, completely enveloping “The Empire Strikes Back,” that it hardly deserves to be mentioned in the same breath.
What no one wants to admit is that modern fantasies like TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books have rendered the ever-more-convoluted machinations of the “Star Wars” franchise irrelevant. (I’d also argue that the first installment of Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” series stole the thunder of “Attack of the Clones” months in advance.) Both “Buffy” and the Harry Potter books relate directly to real life, instead of taking place in a sterile, self-contained universe. Both have done a much better job than the “Star Wars” series of creating a rich and complex mythology and, most important of all, they’ve given us characters we genuinely want to care about.
Lucas, on the other hand, has created an imaginary universe that pretends to fuel our imaginations even as it seals them off: He doesn’t want our imaginations to soar, because then they will no longer be in his power. That’s why every plot detail in “Attack of the Clones” is so neatly planned out and controlled. This is a fantasy with no poetry in it.
Which explains why barely a frame of it stuck with me after I left the theater. For some moviegoers, the two-hours-plus of “Attack of the Clones” may qualify as fun. But what I loved best about it was running, almost literally, from the theater afterward: I can’t remember ever feeling so glad that a movie was finally over. Lucas may have held my imagination hostage for two hours, but reclaiming it afterward wasn’t hard at all. The Force is always with us. It lives, even when George Lucas tries to bludgeon it to death.
Stephanie Zacharek is a senior writer for Salon Arts & Entertainment. More Stephanie Zacharek.
Trust me on this: “Star Wars”
A New York Mets all-star explains how he plans to pass the power of the Force on to his son. First in a new series
(Credit: Shutterstock/Salon) I saw “Star Wars” on VHS originally when I was 6. I was just captivated. I would come home every day after school, and before I would do my homework, I would pop it in and watch it, because I was largely alone. Both my parents worked. I remember the play button being green, the pause button was red, and the way the top would pop up and you’d slide the tape in and clank it down. And I remember knowing every line.
As I grew, I began to see “Star Wars” as a metaphor for so much – whether it was the natural depravity of man, or the redemption of man, or the relationship between a father and a son in Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. That relationship can be broken and redeemed over the course of the trilogy. I really related and connected with it, and it encapsulated a lot of what I want to teach my children – people make mistakes, and they can ultimately be redeemed, even if those mistakes seem egregious, you know, in Darth Vader’s case. That there is a choice to be made between what side you choose in life. Our faith is a big part of our family, so the Force has special meaning for me. There’s just so many things that I think my son would get, that I hope my son would get.
Continue Reading CloseR.A. Dickey is a starting pitcher for the New York Mets and author of the memoir "Wherever I Wind Up: My Quest for Truth, Authenticity and the Perfect Knuckleball" More R.A. Dickey.
“Star Wars” like you’ve never seen it before
A new spin on a beloved classic finds its way onto YouTube -- and reminds us of the power of the Internet VIDEO
There are a few great universal truths. People love “Star Wars.” People love making videos. (Just ask the Star Wars Kid.) When in 2009, Vimeo developer Casey Pugh challenged fans to “remake ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’ into a fan film, 15 seconds at a time,” he got an outpouring of beautiful animated sequences, stop-motion extravaganzas, and a lot of people in their living rooms, wearing hoodies. So many hoodies. The final product became “Star Wars Uncut,” an addictively compelling low-fi reimagining of the classic that went on to win a 2010 Emmy for interactive media, besting websites for “Glee” and “Dexter.”
Continue Reading Close
Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
What Occupy can learn from the Hunger Games
A leaderless political movement still trying to find its place might look to heroes of dystopian fiction for ideas
(Credit: AP) “YOU CAN’T EVICT AN IDEA,” proclaim the banners fronting an otherwise dull building in east London, owned by banking giant UBS but inhabited and decorated by squatters from the Occupy movement. They’ve adapted the phrase from Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s graphic novel “V for Vendetta,” in which the titular terrorist explains his seeming immortality to a detective who has just shot him: “Ideas are bulletproof.” A poster of V’s trademark Guy Fawkes mask smiles eerily at all who walk into the foyer of 8 Sun Street, now dubbed “The Bank of Ideas” and used as a community center. The caption underneath reads, “We are the 99%, and so are you.”
Continue Reading CloseToday’s must-see viral videos
Watch: James Spader's first promo for "The Office," a "Star Wars" porn parody that's funny, and Lopez's monologue
A porn parody that's more parody than porn?
1. Paul Rudd is your bad marketing idea man:
Even though “My Idiot Brother” looks kind of terrible, I will watch Paul Rudd do basically anything.
Sorry America, the Rudd backlash hasn’t begun in my heart quite yet.
2. Chris Crocker needs your money for a documentary:
Come on, you guys remember Chris Crocker right? He’s the “Leave Britney alone!” guy. Anyway, here’s his Kickstarter project for a feature film.
Continue Reading CloseDrew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew. More Drew Grant.
“Star Wars” with street cred
Slide show: We talk to artist Nicholas Hyde about George Lucas' influence on contemporary graphics culture
Is there a law on the Internet that says that for every original idea, someone has probably done a “Star Wars” parody of it? There should be. For a story that’s been around for over 30 years, the iconic characters of George Lucas’ films always find ways to appear in the most unlikely of places: in musicals, riding bikes, even in rap music.
Continue Reading CloseDrew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew. More Drew Grant.
Page 1 of 16 in Star Wars