Cameltoe alert!

A new hip-hop trio warns you to watch out for your frontal wedgie, but why not wear it with pride?

Topics:

“Hmmm, hmm! that’s right, uh huh, oh no! Fix yourself girl! You got a cameltoe!”

Thus runs the chorus of the schoolyard taunt cum new hit single “Cameltoe” by Fannypack, an up-and-coming all-girl hip-hop trio from Brooklyn. The girls have been rescued from obscurity by Matt Goas, 25, and Fancy, 30, two coolhunting New York DJs, and now robbed of their underground credibility forever by a loving profile in today’s Times’ Arts section. The august Times illuminated the title’s etymology with characteristic tact and delicacy, defining it as “slang for a fashion faux pas caused by women wearing snug pants; the term suggests a visual analogy.” It would have been delicate, that is, if the words weren’t permanently emblazoned on the consciousness of anyone who ever suffered through eighth grade. As the writer, Kelefa Sanneh, writes in his appreciation of the song’s retro exuberance, “You could be eavesdropping on a junior high school playground.”

Well, yes, but junior high school playgrounds have never been very fun places to be. In fact, they were where the explosions of your changing adolescent body were most likely to erupt in shame, in that nightmare twilight zone when the relative innocence of grade school twitters — “Your epidermis is showing!” “Are you afraid of heights? Because your zipper is!” — gave way to new, much more terrifying insults, ones that singled you out for mockery before you even know what they meant. Remember not needing a bra yet, but already having nipples — witchy titties, bullets or, as we called them in New Jersey, a place never known for subtlety or euphemism, THOs, or titty hard-ons?

My first encounter with the horrors of the labial lapse hit right on cue. I was 12 years old, living in a desolate town outside of Fort Dix, where no coolhunter has ever set foot. And the first day I wore my new Sergio Valentes, dark blue, astronomically expensive at $32, and so tight that I couldn’t fit my hot-pink hair brush into the back pocket and had to store it in my LeSportsac knockoff, I sauntered into Ms. Nadolny’s class expecting to inspire envy and awe. But instead I got slapped with hushed whispers and giggles, which culminated in an anonymous note in my locker reading “cameltoe alert!” When I finally figured out what it meant, I was so mortified that I started wearing two pairs of underwear.



But why should the debut of my first pair of designer jeans have been such a walk of shame? And why, 20 years later, should it be so again? Is it not time to dump the epithet “cameltoe” in the trash can of history, next to “plumber butt” and “THOs”? In an age when J.Lo hires nipple tweakers to stand by on the sets of her videos, and butt cleavage is no longer a humiliating revelation but a virtual precondition for getting signed to a major label, why should the cameltoe carry any shame or stigma? Just visit The Camel-Toe Report, and click through its loving (if not quite respectful) photo gallery and tribute to a cameltoes of yore — from Daisy Duke’s early ’80s short-short pinup to Jennifer Capriati’s sweat-drenched tennis shorts, to Britney’s famous red leather pantsuit.

Forget the hecklings of the Fannypack girls, who at ages 16, 18 and 21 ought to know better. Bury the memory of schoolyard taunts behind the swing set of your old junior high, and flaunt your nether lips with pride!

Sheerly Avni is a freelance writer living in Oakland.

Featured Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • 1 of 11
  • Close
  • Fullscreen
  • Thumbnails
    Burger King Japan

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.

    Elite Daily/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    McDonald's Black Burger: Because the laws of competition say that once Burger King introduces a black cheeseburger, it's only a matter of time before McDonald's follows suit. You still don't have to eat it.

    Domino's

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.

    Arby's/Facebook

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Arby's Meat Mountain: The viral off-menu product containing eight different types of meat that, on second read, was probably engineered by Arby's all along. Horrific, regardless.

    KFC

    2014's fast food atrocities

    KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.

    Michele Parente/Twitter

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.

    Taco Bell

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.

    Pizzagamechangers.com

    2014's fast food atrocities

    Boston Pizza's Pizza Cake: The people's choice winner of a Canadian pizza chain's contest whose real aim, we'd imagine, is to prove that there's no such thing as "too far." Currently in development.

    7-Eleven

    2014's fast food atrocities

    7-Eleven's Doritos Loaded: "For something decadent and artificial by design," wrote one impassioned reviewer, "it only tasted of the latter."

  • Recent Slide Shows

Comments

0 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>