Free Katie Holmes!

Confirmed: Bride of Scientology expected to give birth in silence.

Topics: Tom Cruise, Broadsheet, Scientology, Love and Sex,

It appears that the rumors are true. No, not the rumors that Katie Holmes was impregnated by L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm, though we’re still checking the Smoking Gun for that one every day. The rumors that according to the practice of Scientology — of which her boyfriend, Dawson’s Creep, is a devout follower — Katie Holmes intends to give birth not only without drugs (as many mothers choose to do) but also in silence (to which many mothers who’ve given birth without drugs say, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!”). That is, if you believe the Sun, which reports — with photos! — that Scientology “elders” have brought six-foot signs into the couple’s Hollywood mansion bearing admonitions such as, “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.” Also somewhere in the fine print: Newborns may not receive medical testing — or be spoken to — for seven days. Why not? Because, as an earlier MSNBC story put it, “babies go through so much pain during the birth, they shouldn’t have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.” Such as getting the silent treatment from their parents?

Broadsheet’s Special Forces units are currently mobilizing to infiltrate the couple’s home and strategically place an additional sign reading “Run, Katie, run!” (“And whatever you do, don’t talk to this guy.“)

Award-winning journalist Lynn Harris is author of the comic novel "Death by Chick Lit" and co-creator of BreakupGirl.net. She also writes for the New York Times, Glamour, and many others.

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