2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
I have figured out why the people in those Apple commercials are always dancing around, and it has nothing to do with listening to cool music on their iPods. I’m pretty sure that, like me, they’ve used their new MacBook Pro before reading the users guide, and are having the normal human reaction that occurs when receiving second-degree burns to the upper thighs.
Just like a Ferrari owner who privately admits the back window is too small and makes parallel parking a nail-biter, but publicly tells people that, yeah, as a matter of fact he did mean to back into that parking meter, I too hate to admit that my new Intel Core Duo, 1.83 gigahertz MacBook Pro runs hot. Not kinda warm. Not “Jiminy Cricket, that’s sort of uncomfortable” but “Holy crud, call 911″ hot.
Like any self-respecting techie, I did not read the users manual before unpacking my new MacBook Pro, setting it directly on my lap, turning it on and immediately taking dozens of pictures of myself using the built-in camera and distorting the images with several of the Photo Booth effects, and then assembling them into a hilarious story line using Comic Life. While I busily e-mailed my new comic strip to everyone in my address book, I noticed something that smelled like bacon wafting from my laptop.
At first, I thought those guys at Apple were geniuses for making the built-in DVD burner smell like my favorite low-carb treat. Then I felt a stinging in my thigh muscles, although stinging isn’t quite the word I’m looking for to describe the burning sensation. It was more of a scalding, or a scorching, that felt worse than a rug burn but not as bad as, let’s say, reentry heat.
I considered calling Apple customer support, but I was already absorbed in making an iMovie from last year’s vacation footage. So I checked the users guide to see if something was up with the fan malfunctioning. The appendix directed me to Page 107, which contained a statement so shocking that I immediately posted it on my blog space I had just created using .Mac. The statement said: “Do not leave the bottom of your MacBook Pro in contact with your lap or any surface of your body for extended periods. Prolonged contact with your body could cause discomfort and potentially a burn.”
An important statement like that should be brought to the user’s attention a bit earlier than Page 107. Being etched on the cover of the laptop in raised neon lettering would be more appropriate. But I could see how that would mess with the sleek, spacecrafty design. So I forgave Apple for this oversight and decided to come up with a few accessories that address the heat issue in a very creative and Mac-like way. My list is broken into three sections: first aid, food and other.
iMedic: A first-aid kit that contains iBand-Aids for light burns. Includes iAloe: Used quickly, it prevents blistered skin from getting too crusty. iSkin: If iAloe application has been delayed, a square yard of lab-grown artificial skin is provided for later grafting procedures.
With the medical intervention out of the way, let’s get to the lunch/dinner/snacking section.
iRotisserie: Hooks up to your USB port so you can cook crispy barbecue chicken right under your MacBook Pro. Can be used in tandem with iJerky, a drying rack that allows you to make beef, salmon and turkey jerky, dried sausages and whole smoked hams (can also be used to dry socks in a pinch.) Optional iToast grill pan also available.
iCorn: Two heat ‘n’ serve bags of frozen corn to be placed between your lap and the MacBook Pro. Keeps thighs cool and breezy underneath, while on top, the bottom of your MacBook Pro broils up a nice side dish for the chicken. For non-veggie lovers or those on a low-carb diet, iDry, in dry ice format, is also available. Business travelers are strongly urged to purchase the optional iFan that blows away all that cool white smoke caused by the dry ice. Especially useful in situations where cool white smoke emanating from electronic equipment might raise eyebrows, such as the business lounge at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.
And now those items that didn’t really fit into any one category, but would be quite useful nonetheless.
And finally …
Gabriella Papic is a freelance writer based in Toronto.More Gabriella Papic.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.