2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Oh, Los Angeles. Sometimes I think we should cut it some slack. I mean, it’s not like every person there is a Scientologist with fake boobs.
We just got word, though, of a contest that makes it seem as if there are plenty of people who wouldn’t mind a free set of the latter: According to the Los Angeles Times, the V20 Nightclub in Long Beach recently concluded a special spring break contest in which the lucky winner received a boob job. The contest, which was named “The Spring Break Breast Augmentation Contest Series” (thereby proving that titties are so inherently interesting that you can have the lamest name ever and still draw a crowd) included a “bobbing for boobs” apple-bobbing contest (OK, that’s catchy) and, as the grand finale, a limbo contest. Tag line: “How low will they go to get a set of new boobies?”
Apparently, pretty low. The L.A, Times includes a little video of the event, and I can’t say I’d recommend watching it if you’re already feeling worried about America’s future. In it, the contestants shimmy their way under the limbo bar as the Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps” plays in the background — thus exemplifying the only situation I can possibly conceive of where the lyrics “my lovely lady lumps” are actually less stupid than what is happening onstage.
The contest’s promoter, 23-year-old Jason DeLeon, told the Times that the club came up with the idea by asking why most people came to the club (answer: for girls) and then trying to figure out how to attract more ladies to V20. “How would we attract that demographic?” he said. “Plastic surgery. It’s what they’re into.”
DeLeon is on to something. “I need it! I need it!” one contestant screams into the camera before dancing off to limbo. Another told the Times that she joined the contest “to get boobs. More self-esteem.” Apparently, in the crowd hanging out at V20, she’s not off-base. When asked if they liked the idea of women winning boob jobs, a couple of guys at the club told the reporter, “All guys do, come on! It’s not a question; all guys want to see that.”
The article doesn’t clarify who won the new set of lady lumps, but I have a different question: What is the club’s next promotion going to be? I suggest that it stick with the “My Humps” theme and give away some free liposuction, using another Peas-inspired contest slogan — “Whatcha gonna do with all that ass?”
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.